Thanks everyone! Good insights!
Being a powerful, well-regarded woman at work is also setting a good example for your kids. Any parent that makes thoughtful decisions, has clear priorities, etc., is a good role model, so it's not a matter of what you do so much as how you're doing it.
Thank you especially for this!
Several people suggested outsourcing the chores. That's probably the best solution; a lawn service and grocery delivery and a housekeeper. And a nanny. Right now I pay for after-school care and I love that my little one gets a snack and a chance to play with other kids and there's a craft project. But she is so mentally worn out by the time I pick her up at 5pm that she has a meltdown over doing homework. My biggest motivator to drop my hours is actually guilt that I am a Bad Mom for having her in childcare when she could be home doing homework earlier (and loving it, says my subconscious) and then playing with the neighborhood kids. Maybe an after school nanny is the bridge, to pick her up from school at 3:15 and make sure she has her homework done by 5pm so I get the "fun" time instead of the "meltdown" time.
I need to think a lot more about my priorities, and whether I need this job to feel like I'm doing enough, or just a job, or if volunteering on my own terms would be making enough of a difference in the world to stroke that part of my ego.
Ah, this is a toughie. I worked PT (30-32 hr/week) for a total of 2.5 years around when my boys were little (in 2 different chunks), and it was GLORIOUS. Because you are just overall more relaxed. Yes, I worked for people who felt "lesser" of me at one of those jobs (when really, what it meant was that I offloaded the lower level, repetitive stuff to the two people who worked for me - meanwhile training them to move up! Win win!) That was frustrating. The second time around, I switched back to FT because I had even MORE people working for me, and I just couldn't touch base with the night shift often enough. Well, I went back FT and then my company fixed that by laying every fucking one of them OFF except one. Yay.
So, both my kids are / were in after school care. With kid #1 it was fine. He happily did his homework at school in the after school program, and then at home we ate, played, and read. Once a month he negotiated early pickup on a Friday (meaning, no after school care).
Kid #2 is harder. He's in 1st grade. Hasn't negotiated that day off. I can tell he's a bit more needy. He doesn't do much homework at after school care, leaving it for home. We don't get home until 5:30 pm (and by "we", I mean, husband and kid and big kid). That leaves 3 hours for dinner, relaxing, dishes, 2 pages of homework and 20 minutes of reading. And...he's tired. He melts down about it. I think part of it is just his personality, part of it is that he PLAYS in after care instead of doing homework, and part of it is the husband dynamic. I get home later and pretty much the kids are watching TV. Well, when you don't even START homework until after 7 pm, and bedtime is at 8:30...
Generally I try and break it up more when spouse is out of town because I go to bed early, often before the kids. So I'll make him sit down and read for 10 minutes with me BEFORE dinner.
But sometimes, we don't sweat the 20 minutes of reading. He's 6 for crying out loud, and reading at almost a 3rd grade level.
It's hard when you are comparing yourself to others too. I've got a friend who has 4 kids, 2 of them are my kids' ages. She invites me out sometimes, and I literally cannot go because of homework (when husband traveling). Her kids get home at 3:30 and do homework. Mine don't.
For me though, part time work was the best. I was able to pick and choose what to spend my time on at work, and we weren't so stretched at home. Nowadays, I'm the "go to" person, but I certainly ain't getting paid for it, so I bug out early when needed and don't sweat it at all!