Giving & Receiving Gifts on Xmas & Birthdays is such a Pain!

[FruGirl]

As someone who embraces frugality and minimalism, I have to say I REALLY HATE the exchange of gifts on Xmas and birthdays! It's a 'tradition' in my husband's family and we are obliged to participate every year. Since we got married 16 years ago, I have received countless UNWANTED GIFTS (I do feel bad saying this) like clothes, shoes, bags, watches, jewelry and the list goes on. Although I truly appreciate the thought, I think it's a total waste of money, especially since I don't even like most of the gifts, which get more expensive with each passing year. Over the years, I have given away some gifts to my sisters, friends and even my mom's maid (people who will make full use of the items). The rest are just clutter in my home.

Buying gifts is another BIG headache because I have officially run out of ideas for each and every single member of the family. Oh, did I mention that it costs us more than $1,000 a year? In case you're wondering, simple gifts like a box of cookies or a good book won't cut it. And I have given up on trying to convince them that there's more to Xmas and birthdays than exchanging gifts. Consumerism is not a dirty word to them and minimalism is not even in their dictionary. Sigh! What should I do??

[meghan88]

I feel your pain and share your sentiments.  If I don't already have it, it's because I don't need it or want it.  It used to be the same thing in my SO's family, but it's no longer the case.  We managed to dial it down by means of one-on-one chats at opportune moments.  Explained that we really have everything we need, and could we perhaps maybe stick to exchanging a nice edible or drinkable, like a good bottle of wine.

Or gently insist that in lieu of any gifts, you'd prefer that they make a charitable donation, because you really don't have the space for anything at all.

As for buying gifts (if you absolutely have to), give gift cards.  Saves the hassle of agonizing over what to choose.

[Frankies Girl]

You sit the relatives down, tell them that you love them, but going forward you will no longer be exchanging gifts with them.

In my family's case, I told them that we have an abundance of material things, and no real wants that we haven't satisfied easily, and they are also blessed with more than they could ever want or need, so going forward I plan to donate to worthy causes to help those less fortunate in their name, and ask that they do the same for any special occasions like birthdays or Christmas. If they complained, I just explained again that I have no wants and so anything given would be sold or donated, and my love for them shouldn't be measured by the cost or type of gifts I give them.

So TL/DR: tell them how you plan to go on going forward; no material gifts given, any given to you will be sold/donated. Politely but firmly without trying to convince them that your way is the right way for all, but this is how you will be handling things on your end in the future.

You are an adult and as such, allowed to disagree with family members. You may have to face consequences like upsetting the status quo, or facing anger or disappointment, but their acceptance isn't on you. You just have to stay polite but firm about what you want to do, and do it.

Saying you have to convince them or can't do what you want to do isn't true; you just have to deal with the fallout in a mature, calm manner and remember - you are allowed to do what you think is right and best for your own household. 

[life_travel]

Had similar issues but with MY family which is of course easier than in-laws . It's really scaled down now after I gently said each time that we don't need anything , mentioned dollar figure ( like $20-30 max) , mentioned that minimalism makes me REALLY happy, etc.
I think the hardest part was that THEY still expected gifts from us regardless so I've gone down to cheaper route first and then last year didn't do presents at all , just cards .
I hope they don't secretly think that I'm a jerk . My family is not spendy though so I may need to rethink my strategy and go back to $20 pp present at Xmas and birthday.

[FruGirl]

Thanks everyone for your empathy and advice. Much appreciated!

Yes, it's a sticky situation because they are my in-laws. For the first few years, I only dared to drop hints but when that didn't work, my husband and I just told them straight (A FEW TIMES). His sister's latest response was 'I don't care. I'll still buy.' No joke! The thing is, to us, this is just being sensible (saying no to the commercialisation of Christmas) but to them, it's being stingy and probably unappreciative. It's a matter of perspective and lifestyle choice.

My husband thinks we should lead by example and just not buy them anything from this year onwards. If not, buy them something inexpensive but practical. Honestly, I haven't found the courage to do that, especially when they are still giving us unwanted material items that cost a few hundred dollars each! Yet, here I am lamenting. Am I hopeless or what?! Guess I should just be firm, huh?

[life_travel]

Buy small, buy practical and maybe let your husband to talk to them in private about these things so it's not coming from you , it's easier within immediate family ... Good luck !

[meghan88]

Guess I should just be firm, huh?

Yep.  Go with Frankies Girl's advice and, if they just won't accept that you'd really prefer to dial it all down to just a card or some baked goods or something thoughtful, tell them that you plan to donate to worthy charities in their name.  Then follow through on that.  They should get the message in a year or so.

I just googled "I don't want gifts so how do I convince my relatives" and the first two hits were from the MMM forums, 2012 and 2014.   Too funny.  A search for "I hate gifts" yielded this:  https://mic.com/articles/130379/merry-christmas-here-s-why-people-hate-giving-and-receiving-gifts#.gmlcmTBXo

What I like about that last article is the following sentiment:  "If you truly care about people you're spending the holidays with, your presence will be a gift. Be a good listener, give hugs, lend a hand."

In other words, stay hugely positive and don't let the gift thing be a buzzkill on your mood to the point where you're resentful and defensive.

[FruGirl]

Thanks Meghan88! You sound like a really sweet person! I wish I can take you and Frankies Girl to my Xmas gathering this year as reinforcements! LOL!

[2Birds1Stone]

Unfortunately your situation sounds a ton like my own, except I am the one with the family who has these deeply seeded traditions.

SO and I have made a point to tell people not to get us stuff, and we try to go for $25-50 gifts for parents/siblings/godson.

[ketchup]

I try to lead by example and give either nothing or something consumable (usually food, money or money-like object).  It usually works.  And the best part: if they don't like it, they can lie and then never have to think about it again after it's gone.

[mcneally]

The year before last my parents spent ~$700 on Christmas gifts for me, and I didn't really want any of it (I made them return the GoPro, but not the rest), so last year I told my mom that I didn't want gifts for Christmas/ my birthday (actually I said just one thing costing no more than $50) and that receiving gifts is even a mild source of anxiety because you're supposed to react positively when opening them. I even suggested donating to charity instead. She more or less told me I was being selfish for not allowing her to buy me things I don't want.

[galliver]

I don't quite relate to the "ugh, gift giving" thing, but OP, I think your family sound like great candidates for experiences-as-gifts...gift certificate for a class (dance? cooking? yoga? glassblowing? etc?) or an indulgence (spa/massage? nice dinner?) or tickets to a show would all come off as "fancy" and be worth about the same as their gifts (if keeping up on perceived/actual cost is an issue), but you don't have to run around to do the shopping. And once you establish this as a valid gift idea, you can start asking for experiences of your own that and having less stuff cluttering your life. Except maybe for you it's an annual membership to a new organization every year (museum, aquarium, zoo, botanical gardens/arboretum, NPS pass...) so you get a great value.

[Tasse]

My family is running into this in the context of having had 4 foster children join our family this year. (My parents are doing the fostering; they're my much-younger siblings.) We've been scaling back on the consumerist holidays as my bio siblings and I have become adults, and suddenly we have to do childhood celebrations again - for kids whose expectations are entirely out of our control. I'm also across the country, so I feel like gifts are a rare opportunity for me to forge connections and show I care, but little kids aren't necessarily that enthused by practical or DIY gifts...

Birthdays have all been well-received so far, but I know my parents are nervous about Christmas.