The Money Mustache Community
Learning, Sharing, and Teaching => Ask a Mustachian => Topic started by: sjc0816 on October 11, 2017, 07:16:11 PM
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I'm turning 40 next month and tonight, my dh surprised me with a new Apple Watch as a gift. I flipped out. The main reason I flipped, is because he got me the 2nd generation Apple watch LAST year for my birthday too. We don't typically do "expensive" gifts for each other and I am very practical (much more practical than DH)....so I wasn't exactly "thrilled" when he got me the watch last year....but I sucked it up and thanked him and ended up loving the watch.
But ANOTHER one? Sometimes I think he doesn't even know me AT ALL. We've been married 15 years. He thinks I will love the cellular option on the new watch because I am a runner and don't like running with my phone. I'm sure that would be great. But I don't need or want another expensive tech gadget.
So I asked him to return it.....and he thinks I'm being nasty and ungrateful.
So give it to me straight. Are we required to accept every gift with a smile?
I will add, we are fine financially but we certainly need to watch our spending. And we just rescued a puppy....another expensive item (that we are all thrilled about).
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I would definitely tell my h to return it.
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Are your finances entirely joint or is there some separation?
If joint, this might be a good time to start a discussion to set a limit on how much one spends without consulting the other.
If separate, learn to say thank you.
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Being grateful is important to the intimacy of the relationship I reckon. I have been reading Laura Doyle's book The Empowered Wife which has helped me deal with some of these issues much better. Not that I agree with everything in the book, but I definitely do on these topics.
You could consider selling or gifting the older one if having two is not useful.
It sounds like he knows you well -he chose an upgrade of a gift he got you last year and which you really like, which will suit your lifestyle better than the old one.
What are you afraid of?
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I'm not really afraid of anything. I'm planning a weekend away with my two best girlfriends and he knew that's what I really wanted for my birthday. The girls weekend plus these two watches will total close to $1500...and that's a lot for a couple of birthdays. We have plenty of other things we can save that money for (carpet, vacations, etc).
I do appreciate your perspective, though. I'm going to get that book because I struggle with these things.
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Well, if your finances are really separate, you're kind of a bit*h, I guess. But if you're planning and saving together, then really gift-spending comes out of the common purse, and the fact that it's a gift doesn't keep it from being lavish spending on a wholly unneeded luxury. I would certainly be annoyed if my wife pulled this on me. (She wouldn't, but she's had twenty-five more years to get the hang of it than your husband has.)
Of course you've got to coo over gifts in any event, at least that's the rules at our house, but you do get to then turn around and say "it goes right back to the store, of course, what the hell were you thinking of?"
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We have 100% joint finances.
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I think nicely say you’d rather have the girls weekend and he should return the watch, maybe don’t flip out 😀 possibly too late for that!
Some people are just bad gift givers, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t know you or care. My dh is bad at choosing gifts. I tell him exactly what I want, usually with a link to it if it’s a “thing.” If he’d be receptive to that, might make it easier in future. If you want a surprise, maybe give him a few choices.
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So what i'm hearing here is you dh wants your new or old apple watch? :) I would return it and if you don't like the other one, give it to your dh.
My husband is also horrible at getting me gifts. He tries, but it was always something i didn't want at all or just wasn't me. We've resolved this by coming to an agreement that he please not get me any gifts anymore. If there's something i want, i will get it. I don't need a gift to know he loves or appreciates me and after i explained to him that i was 100% on board with no-gifts and wouldn't hold it against him, he agreed. He does come how with picked flowers for me and sometimes little drawings or home made gifts. Those are always ok.
I do buy gifts for him still, he likes getting them, i like giving them. Go figure.
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I would not want an upgrade to a gadget that is only a year old. I would probably try to be more diplomatic about it than "flipping out" by saying something about it being really thoughtful, but that I think the current watch has lots of life left in it, so I'd really rather return it.
I agree with the others that if you had separate finances it might be a different story, but since you have combined finances you should be having discussions about what's an acceptable amount to spend without checking with the other, and what's a reasonable amount to spend on gifts for the other. We budget an amount every month (we track closely with YNAB) and a reasonable maximum would generally be 3 months worth (2 major events each between birthdays and the holidays) unless we've underspent at past times. We don't even always do gifts though.
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You're not a bitch. It's silly and wasteful to have two apple watches. But I hope you let him down easy though - maybe he really thought you would like it for some reason?
In the future you could give him some hints about what you would like. I know it's not romantic but my husband just asks me what I want for my birthday. Usually I pick dinner and a movie. Maybe you can teach your husband to be better at planning dates than giving gifts.
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Nope. I'd likely be upset about how little he actually thought about me or things I actually like if my husband did something like this.
It is a basic lack of thought - buy the techy gadget based off of a superficial reason coupled with the idea that it's expensive enough to look like a "worthy" gift if someone asked what he got you.
Now if you really did flip out and get upset with him and even yell, that's kind of mean (but I kind of think justified since a gift from someone is supposed to love you and be super close to you shouldn't be so terrible). But just saying no thank you and can I return it? No, not mean.
And if he does this sort of thing often, then maybe sit down and make a list of stuff you like and would like to receive as gifts. If he has a decent assortment of ideas to work with, he might start figuring out things similar that would be a nice surprise eventually on his own.
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If I was in that exact situation, I would probably sell the old one on Craigslist and start using the new one. But there would definitely be a change in the gift-giving system afterwards, to either "no gifts" or "pre-approved gifts only".
Our personal system that we use is primarily no gifts, plus small stockings with consumables at Christmas, and pre-approved birthday presents (typically concert tickets, a massage, or a video game, but always agreed upon in advance). I'm actually pretty good at buying gifts, but my boyfriend finds the process very stressful, so this benefits him a lot. We switched to this system very early on in our relationship, and I totally recommend it.
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I'd suggest switching to no gifts for the future. My DH and I switched to no gifts soon after we got married and I love it. We do occasionally get each other something here or there, but its on random birthdays/Christmas and never anything expensive. One memorable Christmas, I got an IOU circled on a flyer for a padded toilet seat! (it was going on a super sale the next day). I was thrilled since it was something I had been wanting (the bathroom in our house then was freezing cold all the time) and yet had a hard time spending the money on. Plus, it makes for a hilarious story!!
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This reminds me of someone I know. Spouse A has always been a big reader, and embraced e-readers early on as a great convenience. Spouse B kept buying the newest latest greatest Kindle as a gift for Spouse A. So they ended up with a ton of Kindles. I think for people who aren't very good at gifts, they latch on to that one gift they got one time that the recipient seemed to really like and use a lot, and try to stick to the theme because they think it will continue to be a hit. Sometimes it works out great (chocolates, whiskey, books, event tickets) and sometimes it's a little bit dumb (Apple watches, Kindles). But probably well-meaning.
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Sure, we all get where you’re coming from, this is MMM after all. That said, sheesh, he was thinking of you. He knows you love running and thought this would be a great gift for you. Why flip out? Why make him feel like shit for trying to do what he thought was right? You’re financially fine, just say thanks for being thought of and make some joke about having two watches and sell the old one and put that towards whatever you want. I don’t call women the B word, but I do think you were insensitive and mean. He gave you a gift, he didn’t have an affair or something horrible, you over-reacted. I hope you have the emotional maturity to apologize.
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Honestly, your reaction makes you one, not the motivation or thought process. You should have said thank you and that it looks awesome. Then the next day say that you were thinking about the watch, and say that you honestly are ok with the watch from the previous year and that it is more important to you that you spend the money on (XX, YYY, "Experiences", "saving for retirement", or whatever you truly want). This will allow him to have better ideas in the future and give him insight on what you really care about.
Focus on saying you liked the thought but just don't feel it is worth it. He won't be as offensive. You should also let this lead into a conversation of any purchase over X amount that isn't a necessity should be agreed upon.
Also, this is why I like separate or discretionary funds. You adjust the percentage by your point in life (I know my portion will be cut when I become a dad). If he doesn't like the idea of a gift needed to approved, you can look into this.
So say 5-10% of each total income goes into each discretionary account. He can use his on fantasy football and you on a spa day, and neither can judge. You make your own budget in that agreed upon amount. Then if he saves up watch for you, it is truly a gift instead of stealing from the cookie jar to buy the gift.
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Honestly, your reaction makes you one, not the motivation or thought process. You should have said thank you and that it looks awesome.
Jeez, judgemental much?
I overreact about my partner’s purchases sometimes. And she sometimes overreacts about mine. Humans are silly creatures. Maybe her partner could have reacted differently and not been such a pissy little bitch about wanting her to fawn over his oh so special and thoughtful gift?
Next time he’ll think twice before making dumb financial choices.
Good relationships will deal with the fact that both spouses are idiots sometimes. A bit of overreaction can go a long way to other people really understanding where you draw your lines. Tell him to get over it and return the damn watch and get you what you actually wanted.
I have been on the other side of this story, and swallowing my pride is something everyone needs to know how to do.
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Keep the puppy. Return the watch thing.
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Whether you were bitchy depends, to me, on your reaction. You say you "flipped". What does that mean?
While it missed the mark, it doesn't seem like this was actually a thoughtless gift, since the running and phone thing has been something you've clearly mentioned. He was aware of a problem and sought to fix that problem for you via a gift. Yes, the calculus of size of problem vs. return on the investment in the problem-solver was not a match for your personal evaluation of that comparison, but it doesn't seem like it was thoughtless. Not all gifts get it right.
I'd probably say something like, "thank you, DH. I appreciate that thought and understand why you thought that the cell capability would be great for my runs. But I can't mentally justify the cost of this, so I don't think I could ever really enjoy it. So I think I'm going to return it, but I do truly appreciate the thought and generosity." If you truly did "flip out", then I think do you owe him an apology.
Not wanting, liking, or keeping a gift isn't bitchy. Being rude in the face of a generous and fairly thoughtful gift is, however.
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Damn, you people sound like fucking robots. What's wrong with a person flipping out every now and then?
Be realistic for gods sake, emotions are a thing, you know? And sometimes those emotions get tangled up with important life goals, like a combined financial situation?
Do you honestly expect her to say "thank you, DH. I appreciate that thought and understand why you thought that the cell capability would be great for my runs. But I can't mentally justify the cost of this, so I don't think I could ever really enjoy it. So I think I'm going to return it, bla bla fucking bla" when her amygdala is rattling off like a bump stock in Vegas (too soon)?
Life is messy. Flip out if you want. Be a bitch. Be yourself. What's the big deal? If he loves you he'll deal with it.. and he sure as hell won't buy any more stupid watches.
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Damn, you people sound like fucking robots. What's wrong with a person flipping out every now and then?
Be realistic for gods sake, emotions are a thing, you know? And sometimes those emotions get tangled up with important life goals, like a combined financial situation?
Do you honestly expect her to say "thank you, DH. I appreciate that thought and understand why you thought that the cell capability would be great for my runs. But I can't mentally justify the cost of this, so I don't think I could ever really enjoy it. So I think I'm going to return it, bla bla fucking bla" when her amygdala is rattling off like a bump stock in Vegas (too soon)?
Life is messy. Flip out if you want. Be a bitch. Be yourself. What's the big deal? If he loves you he'll deal with it.. and he sure as hell won't buy any more stupid watches.
Right. And when you flip out and are a bitch, after the emotions have settled, you apologize to the person to whom you were bitchy. Not sure what is robotic about that. The ideal response would have been to not flip out in the first place. For some reason, this was especially emotional for her, so she did. It's not a big deal. But she asked the question, so of course people offered their thoughts, perhaps trying to get her to see his side and understand. And no one called her an awful person for it. I made sure I didn't even call her a bitch, despite her using that term. It was a bitchy moment. They happen. Even to decent, kind, thoughtful people. And decent, kind, thoughtful people generally own up to it after the fact, especially when it may have hurt someone they love. Or do only her feelings matter, and not his?
If he loves her, yes, he'll deal with it. But if I love someone and realize I flipped out on them when they didn't really do anything wrong, I apologize. To me, that seems pretty realistic, and also decent and thoughtful.
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My DW would have done the same thing. You're fine.
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Honestly, your reaction makes you one, not the motivation or thought process. You should have said thank you and that it looks awesome.
Jeez, judgemental much?
I overreact about my partner’s purchases sometimes. And she sometimes overreacts about mine. Humans are silly creatures. Maybe her partner could have reacted differently and not been such a pissy little bitch about wanting her to fawn over his oh so special and thoughtful gift?
Next time he’ll think twice before making dumb financial choices.
Good relationships will deal with the fact that both spouses are idiots sometimes. A bit of overreaction can go a long way to other people really understanding where you draw your lines. Tell him to get over it and return the damn watch and get you what you actually wanted.
I have been on the other side of this story, and swallowing my pride is something everyone needs to know how to do.
Didn't mean to be judgmental. She asked for our opinion and, yes, that one reaction was bitchy in my mind. Should have clarified it doesn't make her a bitch :) I'm just being honest that I feel you should never lash out against your SO. Does it happen to everyone and will your relationship survive? Yeah, but I'm not excusing the behavior. Are you anti-mustachian because you slipped and bought an expensive car? Yea, you deserve a face punch. Again, doesn't mean it defines the person if it was a one-time thing but you don't just ok the behavior.
I totally disagree with your feelings about overreactions. The few times I've flipped out at my wife, it didn't end well. She got defensive and those issues become a touchy subject. My wife has the Italian temper every once in a while she'll blow up. Yeah, you are damn right I won't make the same mistake twice, but I will also be less willing to try to new things to show appreciation and probably resent her for little bit. No one has a right to lash out at another human when they are well intention-ed.
Humans aren't that different than dogs. You can scream at them if they misbehavior and it will probably correct the behavior. Doesn't mean it is healthy and their aren't more efficient ways of training good habits into a dog.
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I didn't actually flip out in a "lose-my-mind" kind of way. I had just gotten home after chauffeuring kids around all night and when I saw the box on the counter I knew exactly what it was and I said..."honey, no...I'm not keeping that!"...in a fairly excitable tone. I wasn't rude but I did act shocked that he would buy me another expensive gift.
It doesn't hurt my feelings for people to tell me I acted bitchy...that's why I asked. Sometimes I can be bitchy...and I definitely don't always handle situations at home in the best way...with my husband or my kids.
After the kids went to sleep, I apologized and told him how much I appreciate the thought...and that it's an awesome watch, but I'd rather go on my girls weekend and we can't afford both. He told me he had to order the watch two months ago...which was before he knew I was planning on going away with my girlfriends. He said he wouldn't have bought it if he knew. He is returning it today at lunch.
I am going to have a conversation with him at some point about discussing any purchase over a certain amount of money. It honestly has never been an issue (neither of us are spenders) until my birthday last year and now this year. He typically gets me chocolate and a card as a gift (which I love). lol
Completely appreciate the feedback!
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The thing is, it was a shitty gift for multiple reasons (lazy because you didn't really want it and he was just upgrading what you had, out of your gift budget, etc).
You don't need to do emotional labor around his feelings. It's not your job to make him feel ok about getting you a shitty gift.
Tell him how you feel and if he doesn't like it maybe he won't keep buying you this stuff.
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Maybe her partner could have reacted differently and not been such a pissy little bitch about wanting her to fawn over his oh so special and thoughtful gift?
Next time he’ll think twice before making dumb financial choices.... A bit of overreaction can go a long way to other people really understanding where you draw your lines.
Life is messy. Flip out if you want. Be a bitch. Be yourself. What's the big deal? If he loves you he'll deal with it..
I was in a relationship once with a person whose views and statements matched the ones you just posted. Longest two years of my life. After it was over (all night one-way screaming match), I remember sitting on the floor with my back pressed against the locked and bolted front door of my crummy little apartment, and realizing the unfamiliar feelings starting to trickle through my brain as the sun rose were safety and peace.
Treating someone loving you as a license to be as brutal as you like to them is a great way to ensure that (sooner or later) they won't love you anymore.
@sjc, obviously none of the above applies to your situation. It sounds like you were taken by surprise and naturally gave the first and strongest reaction you had to seeing the gift, then were self aware in realizing it might now have been the most effective way to convey your feelings and figured out at way to correct the situation later that night (while still ensuring the watch got returned).
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Maybe her partner could have reacted differently and not been such a pissy little bitch about wanting her to fawn over his oh so special and thoughtful gift?
Next time he’ll think twice before making dumb financial choices.... A bit of overreaction can go a long way to other people really understanding where you draw your lines.
Life is messy. Flip out if you want. Be a bitch. Be yourself. What's the big deal? If he loves you he'll deal with it..
I was in a relationship once with a person whose views and statements matched the ones you just posted. Longest two years of my life. After it was over (all night one-way screaming match), I remember sitting on the floor with my back pressed against the locked and bolted front door of my crummy little apartment, and realizing the unfamiliar feelings starting to trickle through my brain as the sun rose were safety and peace.
Treating someone loving you as a license to be as brutal as you like to them is a great way to ensure that (sooner or later) they won't love you anymore.
@sjc, obviously none of the above applies to your situation. It sounds like you were taken by surprise and naturally gave the first and strongest reaction you had to seeing the gift, then were self aware in realizing it might now have been the most effective way to convey your feelings and figured out at way to correct the situation later that night (while still ensuring the watch got returned).
I agree. Yes I make stupid mistakes sometimes and my DH deals with it and forgives me. Doesn't mean I shouldn't strive to be better. And why oh why do we treat our friends and casual acquaintances better than the people we love?
I am having this ongoing discussion with my DH (it is taking years). When he gets upset, he likes to yell at the kids and I. Afterwards, he says he feels better. I am trying, trying ,trying to get it into his thick skull that making someone else feel bad is NOT a good way to make yourself feel better. In the meantime, I understand and am gentle with him during those moods. I have learned to let it all roll off my back and am teaching the kids to do the same. And if he gets really unreasonable, I will call him out on it and put my foot down (that does often descend into noisy screaming matches though as I succumb to temptation so I generally avoid it).
He's slowly, very slowly getting better. I usually try to wait until later when he is calm to discuss what he is doing and he has apologized to me and to the kids several times. He still hasn't fully accepted my point of view but eventually he'll get there :)
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No, but his way of loving you is not the way you want to be loved.
Seriously: try the book 5 Love Languages.
the 5 ways are
Words of Affirmation,
Quality Time,
Receiving Gifts,
Acts of Service, and
Physical Touch
People usually have a strong 1st preference and a less strong 2nd; and little or no interest in the other 3. They perform and expect to receive the above as expression of love.
DH may be strong on Gifts; while you want something else.
In my case I am strong on Acts of Service; so I am always doing stuff for DW, who would prefer me to quit working on stuff, and spend more Quality Time with her! and even though i know this intellectually, it hard to live it, because it is not natural for me.
Good luck!
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I didn't actually flip out in a "lose-my-mind" kind of way. I had just gotten home after chauffeuring kids around all night and when I saw the box on the counter I knew exactly what it was and I said..."honey, no...I'm not keeping that!"...in a fairly excitable tone. I wasn't rude but I did act shocked that he would buy me another expensive gift.
It doesn't hurt my feelings for people to tell me I acted bitchy...that's why I asked. Sometimes I can be bitchy...and I definitely don't always handle situations at home in the best way...with my husband or my kids.
After the kids went to sleep, I apologized and told him how much I appreciate the thought...and that it's an awesome watch, but I'd rather go on my girls weekend and we can't afford both. He told me he had to order the watch two months ago...which was before he knew I was planning on going away with my girlfriends. He said he wouldn't have bought it if he knew. He is returning it today at lunch.
I am going to have a conversation with him at some point about discussing any purchase over a certain amount of money. It honestly has never been an issue (neither of us are spenders) until my birthday last year and now this year. He typically gets me chocolate and a card as a gift (which I love). lol
Completely appreciate the feedback!
Glad you reflected and made amends. He’s probably thinking that you’ve been sacrificing for years and now that you’re financially fine then he can splurge a bit on you because you deserve nice things.
To be fair, your original post was a bit dramatic. This post far more level-headed. You know you over-reacted, apologized, communicated and you both listened. Not sure what motivated you to have strangers judge your character when you seem to have worked it all out?
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Apologize, accept the watch and get on with life.
I have a hard time receiving gifts and my husband often gets it wrong, but if I could do it again, I'd accept every not so great gift with a smile.
You're not a bitch, but you should look at the big picture, and the watch is small stuff.
ETA: Looks like you have it settled, so enjoy your girls' trip! Make sure you show appreciation for whatever junk he buys you for the next time -- Christmas / anniversary, etc.
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I didn't actually flip out in a "lose-my-mind" kind of way. I had just gotten home after chauffeuring kids around all night and when I saw the box on the counter I knew exactly what it was and I said..."honey, no...I'm not keeping that!"...in a fairly excitable tone. I wasn't rude but I did act shocked that he would buy me another expensive gift.
It doesn't hurt my feelings for people to tell me I acted bitchy...that's why I asked. Sometimes I can be bitchy...and I definitely don't always handle situations at home in the best way...with my husband or my kids.
After the kids went to sleep, I apologized and told him how much I appreciate the thought...and that it's an awesome watch, but I'd rather go on my girls weekend and we can't afford both. He told me he had to order the watch two months ago...which was before he knew I was planning on going away with my girlfriends. He said he wouldn't have bought it if he knew. He is returning it today at lunch.
I am going to have a conversation with him at some point about discussing any purchase over a certain amount of money. It honestly has never been an issue (neither of us are spenders) until my birthday last year and now this year. He typically gets me chocolate and a card as a gift (which I love). lol
Completely appreciate the feedback!
Glad you reflected and made amends. He’s probably thinking that you’ve been sacrificing for years and now that you’re financially fine then he can splurge a bit on you because you deserve nice things.
To be fair, your original post was a bit dramatic. This post far more level-headed. You know you over-reacted, apologized, communicated and you both listened. Not sure what motivated you to have strangers judge your character when you seem to have worked it all out?
I worked it out after my post. Guilty feelings motivated me to make the post....and I wanted to post it here, with frugal-minded people who might understand me better than most super-consumers.
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+1 to the 5 Love Languages.
DH is into Acts of Service - which drives me crazy because I'm a thoughtless, spoiled brat. Over the years, I've learned to humor him and do the little things he likes. Makes zero sense to me (why does water taste better when I bring him the cup?!), but hey...it keeps the man happy.
I like Words of Affirmation myself. My cooking typically becomes good after a few days of praise :) Too much grumbling and only disaster comes out of my kitchen. He's getting better ;)
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I like Words of Affirmation myself. My cooking typically becomes good after a few days of praise :) Too much grumbling and only disaster comes out of my kitchen. He's getting better ;)
LOL!
My instinctive tendency is to only compliment for something exceptional. I expect routine excellence because that is the standard I have in my head and (try) to hold myself to. Routine compliments sound fake to me and I probably come off as an arrogant ass to others!
But the more I affirm DW, the more she likes it and the harder she tries. It's like water & sunlight. Pretty amazing. And it makes both of us happier, so win-win!
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I'm turning 40 next month and tonight, my dh surprised me with a new Apple Watch as a gift. I flipped out. The main reason I flipped, is because he got me the 2nd generation Apple watch LAST year for my birthday too. We don't typically do "expensive" gifts for each other and I am very practical (much more practical than DH)....so I wasn't exactly "thrilled" when he got me the watch last year....but I sucked it up and thanked him and ended up loving the watch.
But ANOTHER one? Sometimes I think he doesn't even know me AT ALL. We've been married 15 years. He thinks I will love the cellular option on the new watch because I am a runner and don't like running with my phone. I'm sure that would be great. But I don't need or want another expensive tech gadget.
So I asked him to return it.....and he thinks I'm being nasty and ungrateful.
So give it to me straight. Are we required to accept every gift with a smile?
I will add, we are fine financially but we certainly need to watch our spending. And we just rescued a puppy....another expensive item (that we are all thrilled about).
My wife is the same way. She equates love with expensive gifts even though she knows my number one goal in life is to save money and retire as early as possible. She just can't understand me, even though I've been telling her about Mr. Money Mustache for the past four years. I'd already be retired if I had a frugal wife but now I've just accepted the fact that I'll retire at approx. age 47. We're happily married with a baby and we live car-free so we're both pretty happy with our life. I'll retire a decade later than some people on this site but I can live with that.
My advice would be to accept the gift for the sake of the marriage but keep trying to convince your husband that you don't need fancy gadgets to be happy.
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I'm turning 40 next month and tonight, my dh surprised me with a new Apple Watch as a gift. I flipped out. The main reason I flipped, is because he got me the 2nd generation Apple watch LAST year for my birthday too. We don't typically do "expensive" gifts for each other and I am very practical (much more practical than DH)....so I wasn't exactly "thrilled" when he got me the watch last year....but I sucked it up and thanked him and ended up loving the watch.
But ANOTHER one? Sometimes I think he doesn't even know me AT ALL. We've been married 15 years. He thinks I will love the cellular option on the new watch because I am a runner and don't like running with my phone. I'm sure that would be great. But I don't need or want another expensive tech gadget.
So I asked him to return it.....and he thinks I'm being nasty and ungrateful.
So give it to me straight. Are we required to accept every gift with a smile?
I will add, we are fine financially but we certainly need to watch our spending. And we just rescued a puppy....another expensive item (that we are all thrilled about).
I don't think this has anything to do with money. It's about courtesy and gracefully accepting a gift, especially from someone you care about. Besides, you said yourself that you ended up loving last year's watch. Maybe he knows you better than you think.
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+2 or +3 or whatever to the love languages.
Obviously you two are communicating, but at the same time are not fully happy with the complete picture. Learning and applying ways to sort out and improve on squishy yet important things like the love languages can make a big difference. Basically you have a chance to eliminate unnecessary problems through better understanding... understanding that will make each person feel better. You'll find the relationships easier to maintain, and more fulfilling to be in. You can do this just on your side, with extra benefit if he learns a bit about it too - by which I don't mean to endorse unequal efforts, simply I mean that your own understanding by itself can improve relations, so you have lots of power to improve things. Much more important than one watch.
Best wishes in all aspects of your marriage.
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I don't think you are, but I can also see how he might take it that way. Many years ago (though I now know I did not NEED to do this), I decided to give my then almost-husband permission to get me inexpensive gifts, and be lavish in my praise of said gifts. I wanted to make inexpensive gift giving not just OK but EASY for him. The first REAL example? Fancy dried beans.
If I buy dried beans at the grocery or bulk foods store, I buy the $.79/pound dried beans: cheapest type. But, there are these OTHER beans. Rancho Gordo beans. They grow heirloom varieties (SUCH DELICIOUS heirloom varieties), and support indigenous crops in Mexico, and YOU GUYS, they are SO TASTY. They're also $5.95-$6.95/pound. So, I don't let myself buy them.
One Christmas, as a joke, Best Husband stuffed my stocking with three bags of different Rancho Gordo beans, and I was so happy and excited I actually *cried*. Now he knows, REALLY KNOWS, that I LOVE to get them and that they are all I REALLY want.
Maybe, if you can find a small, inexpensive thing, or a few, that you genuinely LOVE and that he BELIEVES you love, he will not get you fancier things like the watch. Maybe! I wish you luck.
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I like Words of Affirmation myself. My cooking typically becomes good after a few days of praise :) Too much grumbling and only disaster comes out of my kitchen. He's getting better ;)
LOL!
My instinctive tendency is to only compliment for something exceptional. I expect routine excellence because that is the standard I have in my head and (try) to hold myself to. Routine compliments sound fake to me and I probably come off as an arrogant ass to others!
But the more I affirm DW, the more she likes it and the harder she tries. It's like water & sunlight. Pretty amazing. And it makes both of us happier, so win-win!
DH is the same way. But he's been trying harder and even when it's a bit forced, it's still nice to hear "thanks for working hard on dinner, honey", "that was a great meal - thanks" or better yet, "it's OK that you burnt that. It happens".
Our home is happiest when we all start every other sentence with " thanks.."
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Wow, this reminds me of me and my ex. We just didn't understand each other about gifts.
For us, it boiled down to, me and my family don't mind other people exchanging/returning gifts to get something they want/need better. He was offended if someone returned or exchanged a gift. OTOH I would spend a lot of time and thought trying to get something the other person would like. He instead liked to get gifts at the last minute without checking on the other person.
In your case, I think this boils down to more money issue; you share joint purchases, and are probably only open to an expensive gift if discussed ahead of time.
Maybe have an agreement that gifts over a certain amount ($50) be discussed? I am the same way, where if I feel I am pinching pennies, someone else in household splashes out on something you didn't feel were consulted on, even if it's a gift for you. To me it feels like a waste of money.
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Oh, wow, do I identify with this. For Christmas last year my very sweet and kind husband gave me a brand new iPad, which would have been great if I didn't already have an iPad that worked perfectly fine. In fact, it was a downgrade since the new one didn't have cell capability. I thanked him and am still using it, but he could tell I was disappointed and it made me feel guilty. I was having the same internal dialogue you mentioned, does he know me? I am the person who gets a kick out of using things until they break beyond repair.
Le sigh. I agree with what others said about the love languages. I prefer Acts of Service. He prefers Gifts. It's easier for me that he prefers Gifts. I get him the latest, most expensive gadget, he's happy. It's harder for him because he can do something really nice for me, but then he feels guilty that we spend far more money on him overall. (Which I could give a hoot less about. If you really want to even it out, do it by spending less on you, not more on me. There's an Act of Service, LOL.)
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Prior to MMM, our problem was I’m pretty good at gifts but go overboard and was spending a lot of money trying to “buy” my partner’s happiness, which only worked for the moment. My partner has a great heart but isn’t great at buying me gifts that I want or find practical, which I found frustrating but kept to myself, just rarely used the gifts.
But then MMM came into our lives and what a difference. First, I now have a reason to stop spending so much on gifts because we have to look at the bigger picture. We also had a conversation about literally having everything we need and not needing new or more stuff. If anything, we need to get rid of stuff. Lastly, the mantra now is, spend money on experiences, not things. It’s taken a couple slip ups but this now sticks for us. Of course, every now and then a physical present is nice, but so is a night out, a show or a weekend trip together. Experiences, not things.
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... the idea that it's expensive enough to look like a "worthy" gift if someone asked what he got you.
This just gave me instant insight into why my husband was mortified when I asked for a new butter dish for my birthday (the lid broke on the current one), then ordered it on eBay and had it sent to him at work.
Him: I'm not giving you a butter dish for your birthday.
Me: But I want it.
Him: No, we need it. That's different.
Me: No, I could keep using the lid that's been glued back together. That means a new one is a want. :D
As far as love languages, I don't think anyone has mentioned that people can give and receive in different love languages.
I am acts of service for both. I take on a lot for other people as a way of showing love, and having someone take something off my plate is a huge relief.
My husband is physical touch to receive, and gifts when it comes to showing love for others.
I manage gifts for our family and friends, and 90 per cent of the time he will say that I didn't spend enough.
I think it stems from insecurity and from having a cheap (not frugal, cheap) mother.
He's away so I texted him about this thread. He said, "I want you to have nice things. I want to be generous."
Awesome thread, guys.
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I also come from a relationship in which gift-giving is poorly matched between my spouse and me. ptf.
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We have had similar problems too. It doesn't really sound like you were a bitch, just honest.
We now have basically a no gift policy. Sometimes we get pre-approved gifts like stuff we need or fun experiences. We try to celebrate holidays by doing fun things instead.
DH also has a small budget for doing whatever without me having any say since I do all the finances but want to stay married. Otherwise, he lovingly refers to me as "procurement" since I approve all purchases just like he has to do at work.
On a side note I told my family we were only giving Christmas gifts to kiddos a few years back and I'm pretty sure I made my Gift loving mother cry. So the 5 languages thing is definitely real. Just glad DH is not one.
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Every gift should be appreciated. The recipient should always show gratitude, especially to his or her spouse, who is -- after all -- the most important person in your life.
However, not all gifts are well thought-out. This repeat-watch seems like one of what-were-you-thinking gifts. I don't think the problem was the gift so much as the way you reacted. If you'd said -- in a kind voice, "Oh, I absolutely love it, and you were so generous to get this for me -- but don't you remember that you gave me the same thing last year? I love the one I have, and it's still working perfectly well. What will I do with a second one?" He'd probably have been a bit shame-faced and would've thought of returning it himself.
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What's wrong with a person flipping out every now and then?
It's not something I do. It's not something my husband does.
"Flipping out" isn't a consequence-free action. Mean things are said, feelings are hurt, and those things aren't forgotten. It sets a bad example for children. It gives your spouse permission to treat you the same way later. No, "flipping out" is something I see my students do at school occasionally -- they do it when they're out of control and aren't bothering to think /behave rationally. Not an acceptable choice.
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Let me show you the thoughts you're having:
1. This gift is wasteful
2. My husband doesn't know me
3. I don't want this
I encourage you to think this way:
1. My husband is an adult and can do whatever he wants, his job is to love me
2. I'm an adult and can do whatever I want, my job is to love him
These second two thoughts allow him to buy you the watch and you to return the watch without nearly the drama you have posted.
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You're not a bitch for thinking he spent too much on your (mostly unnecessary) gift. It's more the way you go about telling him that. It was a gift, after all. Express yourself, but be considerate. It's not just that he gave you something you don't really need; you also feel the gift was overly expensive, and he should know that. If you don't tell him somehow, you may get a new watch next year.
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DH is poor gift giver. He thinks a lot about the person, then explains the reasoning for a specific present, so it is sweet. But the gifts are bad and overpriced. He also waits until the last minute to get something, often. (ok. Maybe not last minute, but the week for before christmas, day before or day of birthday).
After sweetly saying thank-you and using the gifts over the years, I finally put my foot down. Flipped out. No more presents with electrical cords. No more tech gadgets. Nothing over $150, that I haven't previously suggested.
Past presents as examples:
An iron -- because he saw how frustrated about ironing I was, and how much I disliked it. (Two thirds of the ironing was for his shirts. The true gift would have been for him to take over ironing his own shirts before we go out for dinner with my parents, or just hang his shirts to dry)
A vacuum (don't buy your wife a vacuum at Christmas, just, don't... buy it and bring it into the house on a non-holiday and wrap something else)
A wine cooler. (uses power and I tend to buy a bottle, drink a bottle, so only 1 bottle at a time in there.)
A plug-in coffee mug for the car $30, fell apart after 5 uses. Instead of a Contigo insulated coffee mug (on my gift list, not tech enough)
A car wash "ionizer"/ soft water sprayer -- because I got a "new to me" car the prior year that I liked, but he noted that I seemed to like washing cars because I would wash his, too, every month or two (he never did it, it drove me nuts if I had to take his dirty car sometimes). He wanted to get a present that related to something I must be excited about (the new to me car).
Here is a beauty -- I asked one year for a CD walkman with headphones ($25), to use while walking the neighborhood. This was pre-ipods. He bought a $480 mp3 player, circa 1998. Sound quality was.. not great.... In today's money, that would be a $650 tech gadget.
We, too, had wholly joint finances at the time. I was usually the only one working, and tightly budgeting the grocery bill and scrimping on my work wardrobe to afford extras, like a nicer fridge or to pay for my night school, and he ends up buying tech gadgets. Gah.
Took me 6 years to flip out. Put my foot down.
Best choice ever.
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DH is poor gift giver. He thinks a lot about the person, then explains the reasoning for a specific present, so it is sweet. But the gifts are bad and overpriced. He also waits until the last minute to get something, often. (ok. Maybe not last minute, but the week for before christmas, day before or day of birthday).
After sweetly saying thank-you and using the gifts over the years, I finally put my foot down. Flipped out. No more presents with electrical cords. No more tech gadgets. Nothing over $150, that I haven't previously suggested.
Past presents as examples:
An iron -- because he saw how frustrated about ironing I was, and how much I disliked it. (Two thirds of the ironing was for his shirts. The true gift would have been for him to take over ironing his own shirts before we go out for dinner with my parents, or just hang his shirts to dry)
A vacuum (don't buy your wife a vacuum at Christmas, just, don't... buy it and bring it into the house on a non-holiday and wrap something else)
A wine cooler. (uses power and I tend to buy a bottle, drink a bottle, so only 1 bottle at a time in there.)
A plug-in coffee mug for the car $30, fell apart after 5 uses. Instead of a Contigo insulated coffee mug (on my gift list, not tech enough)
A car wash "ionizer"/ soft water sprayer -- because I got a "new to me" car the prior year that I liked, but he noted that I seemed to like washing cars because I would wash his, too, every month or two (he never did it, it drove me nuts if I had to take his dirty car sometimes). He wanted to get a present that related to something I must be excited about (the new to me car).
Here is a beauty -- I asked one year for a CD walkman with headphones ($25), to use while walking the neighborhood. This was pre-ipods. He bought a $480 mp3 player, circa 1998. Sound quality was.. not great.... In today's money, that would be a $650 tech gadget.
We, too, had wholly joint finances at the time. I was usually the only one working, and tightly budgeting the grocery bill and scrimping on my work wardrobe to afford extras, like a nicer fridge or to pay for my night school, and he ends up buying tech gadgets. Gah.
Took me 6 years to flip out. Put my foot down.
Best choice ever.
Oh these are gold!
It's not just about money, but not paying attention or putting in the effort.
For me, there was the year that I didn't get a Christmas present because I wanted to go whale-watching and he said that would be my present. But we never went. When I mentioned it he said, "Well you never organised it."
Last year, for my 30th, he gave me a pathetic excuse for a birthday card. I love beautiful stationery. I have a box full of cards, and I love picking something beautiful to send to friends and family. I have a fountain pen, personalised address labels, rubber stamps, washi tape, the whole deal. I'm that person. He knows this. He bought me a hideous pink card with a picture of a bumble bee. It said, "Bee happy." I didn't want a gift because I had a party instead, so it was just the card. Woo...
I didn't say anything at the time, but came across it six months later and reminded him, he was embarrassed. Gave me the usual spiel about how busy he is, etc. The supermarket that we can see from our driveway, where we goes every week to buy food, sells cards.
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He's salty his gift wasn't liked. I would be too. But I recognize that as my own male fragility. If you buy someone a gift that they do not want, there's a failure at some point in the gift buying process. The only active participant in the process -- the one who bought the gift -- is probably the one who fucked up. That's a harsh reality, but far less harsh than what many people have to deal with every day. He is old enough that it would be reasonable for you to expect him to pull up his big boy pants and accept this fact.
You asked at the beginning if you're a bitch. Based on this one event, I'd say, no, definitely not. That said: if you want to coddle him and spare his feels, say, "thank you so much, honey! But I don't think I really need the cellular bits of this watch, so, let's take it back and retire a day earlier. :)" Not that you need me to tell you what you've probably had to do more than once in the years of your marriage. If you don't want to spare his feels, it seems like you've done just fine. Which strategy will work out best for you in the long run depends on what kind of man he is, and what kind of man he is daily choosing to become.
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DH is poor gift giver. He thinks a lot about the person, then explains the reasoning for a specific present, so it is sweet. But the gifts are bad and overpriced. He also waits until the last minute to get something, often. (ok. Maybe not last minute, but the week for before christmas, day before or day of birthday).
After sweetly saying thank-you and using the gifts over the years, I finally put my foot down. Flipped out. No more presents with electrical cords. No more tech gadgets. Nothing over $150, that I haven't previously suggested.
Past presents as examples:
An iron -- because he saw how frustrated about ironing I was, and how much I disliked it. (Two thirds of the ironing was for his shirts. The true gift would have been for him to take over ironing his own shirts before we go out for dinner with my parents, or just hang his shirts to dry)
A vacuum (don't buy your wife a vacuum at Christmas, just, don't... buy it and bring it into the house on a non-holiday and wrap something else)
A wine cooler. (uses power and I tend to buy a bottle, drink a bottle, so only 1 bottle at a time in there.)
A plug-in coffee mug for the car $30, fell apart after 5 uses. Instead of a Contigo insulated coffee mug (on my gift list, not tech enough)
A car wash "ionizer"/ soft water sprayer -- because I got a "new to me" car the prior year that I liked, but he noted that I seemed to like washing cars because I would wash his, too, every month or two (he never did it, it drove me nuts if I had to take his dirty car sometimes). He wanted to get a present that related to something I must be excited about (the new to me car).
Here is a beauty -- I asked one year for a CD walkman with headphones ($25), to use while walking the neighborhood. This was pre-ipods. He bought a $480 mp3 player, circa 1998. Sound quality was.. not great.... In today's money, that would be a $650 tech gadget.
We, too, had wholly joint finances at the time. I was usually the only one working, and tightly budgeting the grocery bill and scrimping on my work wardrobe to afford extras, like a nicer fridge or to pay for my night school, and he ends up buying tech gadgets. Gah.
Took me 6 years to flip out. Put my foot down.
Best choice ever.
ooh, I totally emphathize. The stuff you listed, god I would hate that crap. My ex would literally go out shopping on Christmas eve, to get me and the kids presents. So, the kids would get comics (not even ones they necessarily even were looking for) while I have gotten things like yes an iron, a toaster, and an alarm clock. And he would usually put them under the tree and not even wrap them. The kids would have made lists months ago, I also would drop hints, even had an accessible list that he could look at for ideas, but he never used or looked at those lists. So yes then there was disappointment and hurt feelings. There were also many years he hurt my feelings by not acknowledging certain holidays (mother's day "you're not my mother", Valentines "it's a Hallmark Holiday").
One thing he did do towards the end, was to get me some not too expensive but nice loose tea, and chocolate. That's why in the last couple years of our relationship I suggested we just do stocking stuffers for each other.
He also learned (but it was too late for our relationship in general) that for me one of the nicest gifts was to clean/pick up the house and have flowers in the house. No matter what occasion or even for no reason you will have my heart to do that.
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Well, I would do the same thing so . . . . if you're a bitch . . . you have company! My DH works for AT&T so he's constantly bring crap home we don't need. Finally, after about 17 years of marriage, he's figured out I don't want that crap.
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Here's an off the wall suggestion. It may be that his "love language" is gifts so that is how he shows love to others. Your "love language" may be acts of service so gifts don't do as much for you as they do him. I'd recommend reading Gary Chapman's "Five Love Languages". It's very quick and there's a quiz you can take to show what your primary love languages are. It's pretty eye opening and will likely change how you view your relationships with others going forward.
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Hate to say it, but reading the listing of gifts, you may be teetering on the brink of bit*h territory.
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Hate to say it, but reading the listing of gifts, you may be teetering on the brink of bit*h territory.
Talltexan, I think (guessing wildly and applying my own feelings to the situation) that a large problem is OP has 100% joint finances, and is a MMM reader, so having someone buy her a $400 watch, same type, every year, WITH HER OWN MONEY, is driving her nuts. If this was a $50 Timex, there would be no argument. I think the upset is partly about a mismatch in money values, which many here can relate to.
Take it to the next level of spending...
What would you do if your other half bought you a car as a gift, a car that you did not choose or need, by signing you (jointly) up for 5 years of car payments, and thus, you can't put in the second bathroom that you had personally saved over the last year for?
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Hate to say it, but reading the listing of gifts, you may be teetering on the brink of bit*h territory.
Talltexan, I think (guessing wildly and applying my own feelings to the situation) that a large problem is OP has 100% joint finances, and is a MMM reader, so having someone buy her a $400 watch, same type, every year, WITH HER OWN MONEY, is driving her nuts. If this was a $50 Timex, there would be no argument. I think the upset is partly about a mismatch in money values, which many here can relate to.
Take it to the next level of spending...
What would you do if your other half bought you a car as a gift, a car that you did not choose or need, by signing you (jointly) up for 5 years of car payments, and thus, you can't put in the second bathroom that you had personally saved over the last year for?
I'd be annoyed if my DH bought me a $50 watch haha! Our watches are in the $10-20 territory around here. Unless it's a gift from my Father at which point it does not come from my bank account so I just accept and enjoy.
If one partner likes to spend more on gifts and finances are joint, then the best option is likely for each to get a "fun money" account and use that for gift giving. That way, the spender can "save up" for fancy gifts and it won't come from the vacation budget - especially if the other spouse has been denying herself meals out, lattes, etc to add to that budget.
I'm too practical and we quit giftgiving a long time ago. It's our money anyway and we buy what we want when we want it. I'd like to convince my mother to quit gifts too but she LOVES getting expensive gifts (although prefers to choose them herself). Makes no sense to me so I am gave up - she tells me what she wants and I buy it. I think this year I am going to try to convince her not to buy anything for DH and I. Something small for the kids to open on Christmas is sufficient.
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Hate to say it, but reading the listing of gifts, you may be teetering on the brink of bit*h territory.
Talltexan, I think (guessing wildly and applying my own feelings to the situation) that a large problem is OP has 100% joint finances, and is a MMM reader, so having someone buy her a $400 watch, same type, every year, WITH HER OWN MONEY, is driving her nuts. If this was a $50 Timex, there would be no argument. I think the upset is partly about a mismatch in money values, which many here can relate to.
Take it to the next level of spending...
What would you do if your other half bought you a car as a gift, a car that you did not choose or need, by signing you (jointly) up for 5 years of car payments, and thus, you can't put in the second bathroom that you had personally saved over the last year for?
Your example is a car that I did not need.
OP lists gifts like an iron and a vacuum and makes it sound as though they are at least marginally useful. OP tries to make the case that the inherent utility of these gifts actually makes them unsuitable, which undercuts the value of usefulness in a gift. Seems like an impossible standard for husband of OP to meet.
A more interesting example would be: my car is obliterated by an alien death ray 36 hours before my birthday, so my spouse takes the insurance money as a down payment and signs me up for an eight-year lease of a Mercedes Benz (when a used car purchased for that down payment would suffice to meet my need). Indeed I would be horrified to receive such a gift, but the scale of this gift is so far beyond any of the ones that OP lists.
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Tall texan, I think you mixed up OP and me, that's fine. I gave the iron and vacuum as examples of poor gift giving choices of my DH, not the OP. Not because the items have no value but because, essentially:
a) Both items were tools to make a chore that was HIS chore, easier for ME to do. For example, another chore that I refuse to do is to pick up dead animals. Don't ask me why, but I refuse, and there have been several times (maybe 5) in my life where this was required of someone in home. If he had bought me a useful present consisting of gloves and tongs to make it more palatable for ME to pick up dead animals, it would still suck as a gift because he would be transferring a distasteful job that HE is responsible for, onto me.
b) A gift should show a bit of thought of what the recipient would like.
but the scale of this gift is so far beyond any of the ones that OP lists.
That is my point -- it is about different values. Elaine amj would hesitate over the $50 watch, I don't like $100+ presents that I can't use or need, you set the standard in the $000's.
The OP's DH in this thread may think $400 is a nice, generous present but OP thinks anything over $150 should be discussed first. This alone detracts from the "gift" value of it.
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Well-argued, and I apologize for confusing gifts you list with the OP.
I think we'd all agree that getting on the same page about household finances includes getting on the same page about gifting expectations, both within the family and to people outside of the family.
I hope I can take some of the things you guys have said and produce a good gift outcome for my anniversary that is coming up in about two weeks.
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Seems like the OP has the situation under control. I think many situations boil down to the Platinum Rule, which could be construed as a condensed version of the love languages.
The rule - Treat others how they want to be treated.
Learn what makes the other person tick or is a no-no and proceed with actions/inactions. This is easier said than done and is why spousal relationships take constant communication/maintenance. Have a partner that reciprocates the gist of this rule and you're golden good to go. The Golden Rule is a solid starting point but all too often projecting your preferences onto someone else does not always work.
I generally despise surprise gifts (receiving gifts is my lowest love language). If required to participate in some sort of gift receiving ceremony, my natural reactions are best when the gift I receive is something from a short list I have distributed in the past. These gifts are typically very practical. My wife is the polar opposite. A tchotchke out of the blue keeps her elated and somehow makes her think I am the most thoughtful person ever. I actually love giving her gifts but acting in accordance with how we would want to be treated with regard to gifts would not work.
If you don't know what your partner's preferences are from observation or any other contextual clues - ask! Money is a sensitive modifier. The more money involved with a type of gift, act of service, etc. - the better it is to double-check (slyly if need be). This is probably more apt for the OP's husband.
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I'm so pissed at all the people that said that, yes, your reaction makes you a bitch.
We're on the mr money mustache forum - the guy that talked about hedonic adaptation, and yet people don't understand that you don't want to consume shit again and again.
Buying an apple watch every year seems so stupid to me.
Are most people clowns here?
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So this is a scenario that played out almost exactly in a Louis CK sitcom: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003PDSPRE?ref_=imdbref_tt_wbr_piv&tag=imdbtag_tt_wbr_piv-20 (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003PDSPRE?ref_=imdbref_tt_wbr_piv&tag=imdbtag_tt_wbr_piv-20)
Watch starting at 6:25.
Basically: Louis brings his wife red roses. She hates red roses. They get in a fight where she accuses him of not listening to her (she has said before she doesn't like red roses!), and he accuses her of being ungrateful - because he went out out of his way to do a nice thing for her.
So the deal is that both things can be true and both things are worthy of discussion. She doesn't feel heard, and he doesn't feel recognized. So there are two topics in play and thus two separate conversations to have.
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I'm so pissed at all the people that said that, yes, your reaction makes you a bitch.
We're on the mr money mustache forum - the guy that talked about hedonic adaptation, and yet people don't understand that you don't want to consume shit again and again.
Buying an apple watch every year seems so stupid to me.
Are most people clowns here?
Just another example of the forums going soft is all.
Who even needs a watch? I've not had one for thirty years. If I want to know what time it is I look at all the other things that tell time or I look up at the sky and see where the sun is and figure out about what time it is. No idea, maybe it's because of not wearing a watch, but I can usually be within 15 minutes of the actual time when anyone asks me what time it is, so I just use my internal clock. It freaks people out that I can be that accurate without a watch.
But answering the OP, I'd just work on the reaction. Tactfully explaining why you do not want another expensive watch versus flipping out would make the message a little easier to digest perhaps.
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OP: Is there any way your DH thought you were dropping hits about wanting the new watch? And old GF and I had a thing years back where she was miffed for a week about what I got her until we talked about it and I quoted back to her three things she said that were b-day hints to get the thing she got. She was not intending to drop hints but hearing them she had to agree they came off that way. No clue if that happened here or not but is a possibility; and hits could be interpreted as permission to spend the money.
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I'm turning 40 next month and tonight, my dh surprised me with a new Apple Watch as a gift. I flipped out. The main reason I flipped, is because he got me the 2nd generation Apple watch LAST year for my birthday too. We don't typically do "expensive" gifts for each other and I am very practical (much more practical than DH)....so I wasn't exactly "thrilled" when he got me the watch last year....but I sucked it up and thanked him and ended up loving the watch.
But ANOTHER one? Sometimes I think he doesn't even know me AT ALL. We've been married 15 years. He thinks I will love the cellular option on the new watch because I am a runner and don't like running with my phone. I'm sure that would be great. But I don't need or want another expensive tech gadget.
So I asked him to return it.....and he thinks I'm being nasty and ungrateful.
So give it to me straight. Are we required to accept every gift with a smile?
I will add, we are fine financially but we certainly need to watch our spending. And we just rescued a puppy....another expensive item (that we are all thrilled about).
We would need more details to make the call. There are lots of little social nuances that determine whether your action was good or bad. It would depend on your personality types. If you have a relationship where the two of you are very blunt with each other and that makes up most of your actions, then no. If you two are more sensitive and need to be nicer to each other, then yes. The fact that you state "I don't think she he knows me AT ALL" says a lot. On the other hand, he got you this gift last year, and you ended up loving it. This might have encouraged him to keep doing this sort of thing.
Just have an open honest discussion with him. Most likely yes, you were a little bitchy, unless this really was a gift for himself. It sort of sounds like he did some research and tried to do something sweet. You should at least recognize his efforts and express appreciation of them, but state that you don't want to spend money on an expensive gift like that.
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I'm so pissed at all the people that said that, yes, your reaction makes you a bitch.
We're on the mr money mustache forum - the guy that talked about hedonic adaptation, and yet people don't understand that you don't want to consume shit again and again.
Buying an apple watch every year seems so stupid to me.
Are most people clowns here?
It seems most people said it was bitchy, not that she is a bitch. There's a difference. Also, I'm one of those people, and I said that she should not keep the watch. So I'm not sure what's clownish about that.
A few posts up, someone suggested that it was "coddling" to soften the blow with some appreciation before telling him she won't keep the gift. I think that's asinine. Graciously accepting a gift is basic manners to me, not "coddling". "Thank you, I appreciate the thought, but I have no use for this/it doesn't fit/I already have one/I think I look jaundiced when I wear yellow/whatever." That's pretty simple. I actually chuckled out loud at the notion that someone sort of chuffed is somehow a reflection on the "type of man they want to be", and is some special snowflake that needs to be handled with extreme caution. I guess if wanting someone to be polite makes me needy, then I'm a needy bitch. I'm pretty cool with that!
I've returned many gifts from DH. And sometimes he gets a little sad about that, but mostly he's fine with it because I let him know that while I appreciate that he wants me to have X thing and felt it was worth stretching our usual frugal ways, *FOR ME* there utility for the price just wasn't there, so I would return it. But I'm polite and I graciously acknowledge the effort that went in to the gift regardless of whether I keep it or not. That's basic manners to me, not coddling.
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A few posts up, someone suggested that it was "coddling" to soften the blow with some appreciation before telling him she won't keep the gift. I think that's asinine. Graciously accepting a gift is basic manners to me, not "coddling".
I'm the person who said that. I'm not convinced it's asinine. If this is the first time he's missed the mark with a gift, I'd encourage the recipient to accept it gracefully. From what I can see in the OP's post, this is not the first time a her husband has put little thought into his gift-giving. I think if it's a pattern, expressing some frustration is reasonable. There are more and less productive ways to do that, but I think that the act in and of itself is neither bitchy nor makes someone a bitch. Many other women on the thread have expressed similar sentiments and described similar experiences.
Granted, I'm reading between the lines, but so is anyone who tells me I'm wrong (besides OP). This was just my reaction based on my perception of the subtext.
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I get to call someone a bitch without consequences so rarely...
Seriously, OP, I think you have some pretty good advice here about understanding the deeper issues...it's fundamentally about meeting and understanding how your spouse thinks. Best of luck with jointly finding a solution.