Getting married next week, should we have 1 checking account or seperate ?

[MikeJones2001]

We both are employed and as of now we have our paycheck direct deposited into separate checking accounts. I was trying to get yalls opinion on a joint checking account versus having separate accounts.

Also what do yall think about me and my wife to be having a joint checking and then separate checking accounts for personal use.

[Michael in ABQ]

Joint checking. Not yours or mine, but ours. No need for separate accounts. Just establish amongst yourselves how you're going to handle your finances. Is a $20 charge something you don't even think about, or is the threshold $5, or $100? At what point do you discuss a purchase, and at what point is it not significant. That's for you two to decide.

[ixtap]

Whatever y'all can agree to will be just fine. It may even change over time.

[Wolfpack Mustachian]

This is one of the topics typically brought up.

Some people will say joint always.

Some will say separate always.

Some will say whatever feels best for you.

Ultimately, in different situations, different options have their advantages. My family has everything together. My wife and I are about as completely on the same page committed to each other in life and in finances as we could possibly be, and I couldn't imagine it any other way (not disparaging others or saying if you have separate checking accounts you're not committed, of course). I'm glad, too, because keeping things separate sounds like a real pain in the butt.

[Abe]

My wife and I had pre-existing checking accounts before we were married. Over time I just stopped using mine because it's such a hassle to keep track of two bank accounts. Less chance for financial fraud with fewer accounts, in my opinion.

[dividendman]

If you haven't talked about how you're going to handle your finances as a married couple, perhaps question the marriage more than the types of accounts you're going to have.

[mspym]

Another vote for 'whatever works best for you as long as you are aligned in your expectations and share a vision for the future'.

We maintain entirely separate finances ten years in and it works for us - because we have existing agreements about who pays for what, how bills get split, and regularly talk openly about finances and how it ties in with our shared future.  Even when accounts are merged, I think there is still a need for each person to have some money that they can spend without any form of oversight or judgement. Heck, that's part of the freedom of adulthood that we were promised!

[Metalcat]

I think you should have figured this out well before deciding to get married, but here we are so here's my advice.

Start having DAILY conversations about money, what it means to you, what your hopes are, your plans, and most importantly your fears.

Compare what your parents taught you, what parts make sense and what parts seem stupid.

Talk about what you would do as a couple if one of you lost your job, became disabled, or died. Talk thoroughly about insurance options for all of the above.

Talk EXTENSIVELY about how you perceive each other's incomes and your expenses. Are they separate with shared expenses? If so, how will you split them? If shared, how will you share? Will you have any separate money?

Also, find out what the laws are regarding finances that you will be agreeing to when you get married. If you don't know these, you are signing a contract totally blind. Many couples keep their finances separate only to find out upon divorce that everything is considered shared and the private debt accrued by one partner is now 50% the responsibility of the other. A marriage contract is a contract, there are terms you should know, otherwise how can you legitimately consent to signing it?

Having a joint account or not is totally irrelevant. Some people have a joint account as a way of facilitating totally split finances and the joint account is where they each deposit their carefully calculated share of costs so that bills come out of one account.

Meanwhile, some fully shared finances don't have any shared accounts, each partner has access to each account and they move money as needed as makes sense. Like on person's salary pays all of the bills and the other person's salary goes to savings, but it's all one big pot.

So whether you get a joint account or not makes absolutely no difference to anything.

I say none of this to be harsh. In fact, having these conversations openly and regularly are what make my marriage so strong and happy.

We've handled me getting very ill and losing my career due to disability, and actually become even happier along the way because in the years leading up to it, we prioritized talking about everything financial, so when the huge hit of losing my income happened, we were already so aligned, that it was obvious how we wanted to pivot together and embrace a new path.

Master this stuff now before you need it, and your marriage will be much smoother and easier for the rest of your life.

[Metalcat]

Another vote for 'whatever works best for you as long as you are aligned in your expectations and share a vision for the future'.

We maintain entirely separate finances ten years in and it works for us - because we have existing agreements about who pays for what, how bills get split, and regularly talk openly about finances and how it ties in with our shared future.  Even when accounts are merged, I think there is still a need for each person to have some money that they can spend without any form of oversight or judgement. Heck, that's part of the freedom of adulthood that we were promised!

We don't have this, never have, and it's never been an issue. I understand why a lot of couples do, but it's definitely not needed by everyone.

We don't police each other's spending, but we're fully aware of every cent the other person spends because we have full access to each other's accounts, and review all of our accounts together regularly.

[Omy]

We have one joint account and individual retirement and non-retirement investment accounts. We also each have fun money that we can spend without consulting the other. We seeded these slush funds a couple of years ago when we FIREd and give ourselves monthly infusions of cash to spend as we wish.

I am the beneficiary on all of his accounts and he is the beneficiary on all of mine. We know each other's passwords. We decided early on to let the other person know any time we were considering a purchase greater than $100.

We check all accounts at least quarterly. I can't remember ever having a significant disagreement about money - we are fortunate that our spending and financial goals are pretty much aligned.

My first marriage was challenging because exH was a big spender, and I wanted to save so we could retire early. We fussed about money on a regular basis. I cannot stress enough how important it is to go into marriage understanding your spouse's approach to spending and saving. If your financial goals are not compatible, you're setting yourself up for a lot of aggravation.

[Abe]

It’s worth discussing your spending and retirement goals, and maybe come up with some broad plan. I wouldn’t get too worried about it unless you all are cash-strapped. My wife and I never did. We knew each other well enough to know that neither of us spend on frivolous things, agreed on what counted as frivolous, and that we both wanted to retire before 60. We do have the privilege of high-income jobs, but even if you don’t a basic plan is sufficient for now. If you can decide how much is “too much” for various categories, you’ll be fine. I’d assume you have an idea of how your soon to be spouse spends, but if that’s a mystery - figure it out! congratulations  on your wedding!

Oh and also get term life insurance. It’s so cheap and with each other as dependents, there’s a point to getting it now.

[ixtap]

Another vote for 'whatever works best for you as long as you are aligned in your expectations and share a vision for the future'.

We maintain entirely separate finances ten years in and it works for us - because we have existing agreements about who pays for what, how bills get split, and regularly talk openly about finances and how it ties in with our shared future.  Even when accounts are merged, I think there is still a need for each person to have some money that they can spend without any form of oversight or judgement. Heck, that's part of the freedom of adulthood that we were promised!

We don't have this, never have, and it's never been an issue. I understand why a lot of couples do, but it's definitely not needed by everyone.

We don't police each other's spending, but we're fully aware of every cent the other person spends because we have full access to each other's accounts, and review all of our accounts together regularly.

It would drive DH crazy right now to have to keep track of his own expenses and bills. I took over when he had to cut back his time at the computer due to his health issues and we haven't looked back. He just pays his medical bills out of the HSA.

[Metalcat]

Another vote for 'whatever works best for you as long as you are aligned in your expectations and share a vision for the future'.

We maintain entirely separate finances ten years in and it works for us - because we have existing agreements about who pays for what, how bills get split, and regularly talk openly about finances and how it ties in with our shared future.  Even when accounts are merged, I think there is still a need for each person to have some money that they can spend without any form of oversight or judgement. Heck, that's part of the freedom of adulthood that we were promised!

We don't have this, never have, and it's never been an issue. I understand why a lot of couples do, but it's definitely not needed by everyone.

We don't police each other's spending, but we're fully aware of every cent the other person spends because we have full access to each other's accounts, and review all of our accounts together regularly.

It would drive DH crazy right now to have to keep track of his own expenses and bills. I took over when he had to cut back his time at the computer due to his health issues and we haven't looked back. He just pays his medical bills out of the HSA.

Yeah, sometimes when DH is overworked, I take over reviewing accounts myself. But my point was that tons of people claim that all couples need at least some private spending money that the other partner has no say over, and I don't agree that it's necessary for *all* couples. Needing private spending money would never even occur to us until I constantly saw it mentioned as a "must have" for marriages.

[Radagast]

We had/have joint. Then DW decided she needed her own separate account, probably because of something a friend said. Within a month I had memorized the PW to both, and she had forgotten both. So here we are three or so years later, with one joint and one separate, and I access both and she accesses neither unless she asks me to remind her what her PW is.

Not sure it really matters that much.

[Erma]

I would say it depends on the laws. Here banks can block a joint account as soon as one partner dies until it is clear who inherits the money. So worst case is your partner is dead and you can't pay the bills because you don't have access to the money.

[cupcakery]

I guess whatever works for you.  We have everything combined.  I can't imagine having separate finances and don't feel that it would work well for us.  Many people seem to disagree.  DH works with this guy who was talking about how if they didn't have separate finances they'd be divorced and how everyone should do that.  DH quipped, "We'd be divorced if we did."

[Fire2025]

I'm not married to my SO of 20+ years, so add grain of salt, to taste. 

Do what works for you guys and don't waste time trying to fix anything that's not broken just because other relationships look different or do things differently.

We keep everything very separate and that has worked great for us.  He FIRED five years ago, I'll FIRE end of 2025.  People say this would be different if we were married, but I can't imagine that it would.

I've always been very comfortable with the idea that the only two people in our relationship is us, so it only needs to work for us. 

Congratulations and best of luck!!!!!!

[brandon1827]

+1 to the above post. Wife and I have been together 23 years. We started out with separate accounts, ended up getting a joint account, she added a separate account later on, then added me to that one later still. You guys will find the balance that works for you. There is no one size fits all way to do this. As others have mentioned, just communicate with each other about it and don't try to hide anything from each other. You'll find the best way to manage it that works for you soon enough. Congrats!

[iris lily]

Another vote for 'whatever works best for you as long as you are aligned in your expectations and share a vision for the future'.

We maintain entirely separate finances ten years in and it works for us - because we have existing agreements about who pays for what, how bills get split, and regularly talk openly about finances and how it ties in with our shared future.  Even when accounts are merged, I think there is still a need for each person to have some money that they can spend without any form of oversight or judgement. Heck, that's part of the freedom of adulthood that we were promised!

We don't have this, never have, and it's never been an issue. I understand why a lot of couples do, but it's definitely not needed by everyone.

We don't police each other's spending, but we're fully aware of every cent the other person spends because we have full access to each other's accounts, and review all of our accounts together regularly.

It would drive DH crazy right now to have to keep track of his own expenses and bills. I took over when he had to cut back his time at the computer due to his health issues and we haven't looked back. He just pays his medical bills out of the HSA.

Yeah, sometimes when DH is overworked, I take over reviewing accounts myself. But my point was that tons of people claim that all couples need at least some private spending money that the other partner has no say over, and I don't agree that it's necessary for *all* couples. Needing private spending money would never even occur to us until I constantly saw it mentioned as a "must have" for marriages.

I guess I agree with this. Not sure. I don’t see how any of the money either DH or I spends is “private” so yeah.

I spend what I want to spend.He spends what he wants to spend.For me, it all goes on a charge card that he reviews if he wishes because he pays that bill out of a joint checking account. For him, he gets cash out of the ATM now and then, so I dont have the ability to see what he is spending it on, only have the ability to see how much is coming out of the ATM.

We used to have a spoken agreement of $100 as the amount at which we flag the other person. But that was decades ago now we just spend what we want to spend. OK there are exceptions where I wrestle with something that I consider “luxurious” and I talk to him about that.

Unless one of us wants to support a sugar baby, there’s no need to have a mechanism to hide personal spending.

Let me also say that when I got married, merging the money wasProbably the biggest measure of intimacy for me. Money is a really big deal for me.

[tygertygertyger]

I'm not married to my SO of 20+ years, so add grain of salt, to taste. 

Do what works for you guys and don't waste time trying to fix anything that's not broken just because other relationships look different or do things differently.

We keep everything very separate and that has worked great for us.  He FIRED five years ago, I'll FIRE end of 2025.  People say this would be different if we were married, but I can't imagine that it would.

I've always been very comfortable with the idea that the only two people in our relationship is us, so it only needs to work for us. 

Congratulations and best of luck!!!!!!

Yep, similarly I'm not married to my partner of 10+ years. We keep things separate, which has always worked for us. Maybe we'll change this at some point in the future, but it's not nearly as important as knowing we're on the same page. Happily neither of us are big spenders, but we do come from families that handled finances very differently, so talking through how we handle finances has been incredibly helpful.

[K_in_the_kitchen]

We combined accounts after we got engaged.  We'd never heard of anyone doing it any other way, and dropping my account saved us the service charge (we were far too broke to avoid fees).  33 years later having a joint account still works for us.  But we're the committed types -- we never planned for the end of things because it was unfathomable to us.  We were too young for one of us to bringing huge debt to the marriage (although DH had a car loan and a computer loan).  We both came from poor families so we just didn't think along those lines.  There has never been yours and mine when it comes to money.

We don't have separate spending money, etc.  We tried it for a short time and it wasn't for us -- all it showed us what that one person liked to spend small amounts of money on little things like coffee out and the other liked to save for larger purchases.  It was a hassle to have two small individual accounts, using cash didn't work, and we always knew what the other person was buying because we share our lives.  We realized individual "personal money" wasn't necessary for us.

[Britan]

I doubt this is the question you are asking (“should we combine finances or keep separate?’). However, while my husband and I joined finances, we also have to keep our separate bank accounts that we had prior to getting married. Primarily, this has been important because some institutions (eg our 529) cannot possibly fathom that two names might be on an account (I mean how many kids have two parents amirite? /s), and will not allow us to auto deduct via online transaction from a joint account with two names on it. It’s wildly bizarro, but I literally called customer service for the 529 and they said they can only accept online transactions from a bank account with one name. So to avoid having to remember to mail a check monthly, we transfer from joint to one of our bank accounts and then from there to the 529. In terms of transparency, we budget with YNAB and connect our separate accounts there too, so we both have visibility into all accounts. The separate accounts aren’t used for anything other than these loony tunes transfers.

[K_in_the_kitchen]

I doubt this is the question you are asking (“should we combine finances or keep separate?’). However, while my husband and I joined finances, we also have to keep our separate bank accounts that we had prior to getting married. Primarily, this has been important because some institutions (eg our 529) cannot possibly fathom that two names might be on an account (I mean how many kids have two parents amirite? /s), and will not allow us to auto deduct via online transaction from a joint account with two names on it. It’s wildly bizarro, but I literally called customer service for the 529 and they said they can only accept online transactions from a bank account with one name. So to avoid having to remember to mail a check monthly, we transfer from joint to one of our bank accounts and then from there to the 529. In terms of transparency, we budget with YNAB and connect our separate accounts there too, so we both have visibility into all accounts. The separate accounts aren’t used for anything other than these loony tunes transfers.

Our sons had 529 accounts started by a grandparents when they were very young (with just a small deposit from the death of a great-grandparent) which we took over soon after.  Even though we married long before the accounts were opened there could only be one custodian of each 529 account (not true everywhere, not sure if it's by state of financial institution).  I think it's a little different because the child is the owner and beneficiary of the account and these kinds of accounts usually only have one custodian.  Back in the day I was a bank manager and when we opened UTMA accounts for customers they could only have one custodian on those as well.

But any of us could go into a branch and make a deposit to the 529 -- as you are pointing out your issue was with auto transfer from a joint account.

[yachi]

We had two checking accounts when we got married, but everything automated (credit card payments, direct deposit, tie ins to investment accounts) ran through my account.  When we had some fraud on my spouse's account we decided to close it, and we've operated using one account ever since.  It's worked out great.  I think we made the switch the first year we were married.

We keep 4K to 6K in it, which is enough to pay the mortgage and credit card statement, and then we don't bother tracking what payments we've scheduled or what checks we've written out of it.  If it ever goes too low we pull money from a brokerage account and try and reduce spending for a while.  If it gets too high, we pull money into the brokerage account.

We are both frugal and discussed that part of our lives before marriage, but never gave the day-to-day much thought.

[Kris]

How you do it is wayyyyyy less important than whether you are both fully on the same page about it.

[Heywood57]

My wife has never had a dollar she couldn't spend twice.

Separate accounts, share the bills, dodge the arguments about where the money went.

[GuitarStv]

We kept separate accounts for the first seven or eight years we were together . . . but eventually jointly decided it wasn't worth the hassle so consolidated.  For the past decade or so we've just had one joint bank account and a couple of joint credit cards.  Makes life a lot easier, and it's not like we ever needed to hide financial information from each other.

[yachi]

My wife has never had a dollar she couldn't spend twice.

Separate accounts, share the bills, dodge the arguments about where the money went.

If that were the case for either one of us, it would necessitate a different approach than we have, like separate accounts and bill sharing like you do.  But it's complicated by the fact that one of us is a stay at home parent...

[Raenia]

We kept our separate accounts and opened a joint account when we got married.  It was just easier - didn't have to change my direct deposit, auto-transfers to Vanguard, etc.  We pay for pretty much everything out of the joint account, though.  Only exceptions are gifts that we want to keep "secret."  Gift giving wouldn't be as much fun (for us) if he could look at the joint statement and see "$XXX charge for [thing he's been wanting]."

The important thing for us isn't what accounts we have or where the money is sitting at any given time, that's all window dressing.  The important part is that our financial planning is entirely done together - budgeting, savings goals, investment strategies, all take into account both our salaries as one pot.  The fact that some of it sits in my account, some in the joint account, and some in his has very little impact.  Being on the same page about how to handle money has all the impact.

[joe189man]

FWIW we have dual accounts that were separate accounts at the same bank that are now linked, as in we are both listed on each account - so we can see each others activity and have debit cards for each others account.

[seattlecyclone]

I think it's extremely convenient to have a joint account for the joint expenses at a minimum. You presumably live together and therefore have shared rent/mortgage/utilities, maybe other stuff like groceries as well. Much easier to pay for that out of a joint account than to have one partner pay and the other reimburses half or whatever. Whether you fully marry your finances or keep separate accounts is for the two of you to decide amongst yourselves. My wife and I have fully merged accounts (IRAs excepted) but every couple is free to decide for themselves on this.

[Villanelle]

This is like asking the internet what color you should paint your walls.  No one can give you the answer that is right for you.

For DH and me, we've had combined accounts from day 1.  Technically, we both kept the primary credit cards we had before marriage so those are separate, but we have access to one another's log-ins as needed and they are paid out of our joint account.  We did that for ease and credit history, not any perceived privacy or separateness.  We don't have the "blow money" or "allowance" accounts, or whatever people call their separate money.  It has never been needed.  We discuss large purchases.  We have similar enough spending styles and enough trust and respect that nothing else has been needed for us.

This worked for us when DH brought debt and a negative net worth into the marriage and I had modest savings, and when we were both working at professional, salaried jobs, and when I gave up my job to follow him overseas.  It worked when he was deployed and we couldn't easily communicate about purchases, and it worked we ended each month with nearly nothing less and eating a Taco Bell dinner once a month was a treat, and when we essentially have enough money to afford whatever we want.

I firmly believe this approach is what is best for us.  But that doesn't mean it is the right or best way for everyone.

Talk with your partner.  Is it important to one or both of you to have truly private money, and if so, what do you each think is reasonable.  If there is anything other than "everything is combined", then figure out what sort of things will fall outside the joint money.  Is someone spending $200 every 2 months to get hair color (as an example, and I could be way off on price as I don't color my hair) a joint expense, or private expense? What is one person wants to buy groceries for a really fancy meal?  Gifts for each person's family?  If there is (now, or in the future) a large income disparity, how will you handle that, especially if you split any bills? 

For me, the difficulty of splitting things up is a primary reason that anything short of "fully joint" probably wouldn't work for me.  The way my brain works, if we are splitting stuff, then suddenly I would need to get it exactly right.  What if DH wants a fancier car than I have?  Should the difference come out of his "fun" money?  What if I want a larger home and he's good with a smaller one?  Or one person wants to buy lobster and fancy cheeses at the grocery store?  Or one wants to go on a fancy cruise and the other would rather stay at home and go to free local museums?  If we are splitting the grocery bill, is it fair to do it 50/50?  I would be an absolute insufferable mess once we tried to divide things up because my brain works overtime on categorizing things and I can't do that in half measures.  So once we have to determine whether an expense is mine or his, or ours (and then to what degree is it each persons), I would suddenly be evaluating each expense.   So I'm thankful that the person I choose is good with everything combined, and that his level of frugality is pretty much in line with mine so no one feels the need to police the other, and there are no worries. 

In 20+ years, we have not had a single fight about money, and things were pretty tight in the early years. 

But of course, many people do this splitting approach without any of those problems, though I think the "splitters" that are most successful usually talk through these details in advance.  Otherwise, one person might be thinking "we split the bills" means 50/50 on everything and then each person keeps the rest of their paycheck, and the other might think that it's more fair to split based on $ of household income (the person who makes 65% of the income pays 65% of rent, utilities, groceries).  Or if there is a private  fun money amount each month, one person might feel that grooming and new clothes (whether truly needed or just wanted) fall into that category and another might think those are household expenses and should be split.  I think the more specific you can be, the better. 

[Metalcat]

I think it's extremely convenient to have a joint account for the joint expenses at a minimum. You presumably live together and therefore have shared rent/mortgage/utilities, maybe other stuff like groceries as well. Much easier to pay for that out of a joint account than to have one partner pay and the other reimburses half or whatever. Whether you fully marry your finances or keep separate accounts is for the two of you to decide amongst yourselves. My wife and I have fully merged accounts (IRAs excepted) but every couple is free to decide for themselves on this.

This entirely depends on if the finances are pooled or not.

If all finances are pooled, then there's no reimbursement. When DH and I got together, we pooled everything but didn't combine anything, meaning all money coming in belonged to both of us regardless of whose account it was in. The bills he had always paid came out of his accounts, the bills I had always paid came out of mine. No need for contributions to be even and nothing to reimburse. I moved into his house, so almost all of the bills came out of his accounts. Remainders went to debt and investments.

That's why I mentioned in my previous post that joint accounts can sometimes be most useful for couples who keep their money separate. 

[turketron]

Do what works for you, and what you are both comfortable with.

We have our own individual accounts that our paychecks go into. We then have a joint account that all bills and shares expenses come out of, that is funded equally from our personal accounts. We have some joint credit cards as well, that are also paid for out of the joint checking.

[ixtap]

I think it's extremely convenient to have a joint account for the joint expenses at a minimum. You presumably live together and therefore have shared rent/mortgage/utilities, maybe other stuff like groceries as well. Much easier to pay for that out of a joint account than to have one partner pay and the other reimburses half or whatever. Whether you fully marry your finances or keep separate accounts is for the two of you to decide amongst yourselves. My wife and I have fully merged accounts (IRAs excepted) but every couple is free to decide for themselves on this.

When we had separate accounts, we just had a "you pay this, I pay that" arrangement.

[Darian]

DH and I have everything separate, and he transfers a set amount of money into my account every month that covers his share of mortgage, kids 529s, utilities, etc. He HATES paperwork-like tasks and is more than happy to let me take on the chore of paying everything. Large one-off expenses like a car repair are discussed and his share is added to the following month's transfer. That could work for you guys if one of you has a similar mindset. I agree with what others have said the most important thing is to have a discussion now and make sure you're both on the same page. You can always revisit your choice later.

[Rosy]

CONGRATS!:)

Of course, you need to discuss your combined finances:).
Start with a list of both income and debt, discuss your hopes and dreams and make a plan on how to get there together.

No internet stranger can advise you on what will work best for you.
For instance, if your income represents 60% and hers only 40% - it would not be fair for her to pay 50% of all expenses.
Has that occurred to you?
Remember you can always change your setup - as things change so might each of your contributions, even just temporarily.

This is a good time to also think about if one of you lost their job could you both live on one income and pay all your bills? If not that is something to work on and include in your planning. $hit happens all the time - so an emergency fund covering six months to a year of income or investments you could liquidate if needed are important for your future financial stability.

Who is the saver and who is the spender, are you on the same page financially? Will you discuss finances once a month over Sunday coffee and one of you will handle all financial matters, like reviewing the home or car insurance once a year for the best deal or starting a new investment account the next time you get a raise?
Who will keep an eye on the food budget and set a limit for eating out and entertainment?
What discretionary income will each of you allow the other - without question?

What about debt? If one of you has a ridiculously high car payment or way too many small debts or a horrific student loan that leaves no money on the table - will you work on this together, maybe re-finance and discuss the best way to tackle whatever debts there are?

We were an older couple and I was terrified of giving up my financial independence. For over ten years we had separate accounts. After a couple of discussions, we agreed on who would pay for what from their own accounts. We always discuss major expenditures. 
Since then we have added each other on all of our accounts and combined finances although we each still use primarily our own accounts.
 
There are a thousand reasons why people set up their accounts a certain way and give open access or limited access to no access at all including ignorance, laziness, trust issues, need to protect assets, family reasons/obligations, control freaks ... who knows. 

We felt it was extremely important to have immediate full access in case one of us died unexpectedly. We added an endorsement to all of our accounts that says the other will instantly become the sole account holder. A good move if you do not yet have a will. It is a routine amendment, free of charge, offered by all banks and CU's.

Good Luck!

[Dicey]

I really don't understand separate accounts in all but a few specialized cases. If you don't trust each other with your money, why get married?

DH and I married late in life. We were both pretty much FI. Getting hitched just sent us into the stratosphere. It is fucking bliss not to disagree on or even worry about money. Had we not been of similar mindset, we wouldn't have gotten married. Our ninth anniversary is just around the corner, and life is so good.

[Kris]

I really don't understand separate accounts in all but a few specialized cases. If you don't trust each other with your money, why get married?

DH and I married late in life. We were both pretty much FI. Getting hitched just sent us into the stratosphere. It is fucking bliss not to disagree on or even worry about money. Had we not been of similar mindset, we wouldn't have gotten married. Our ninth anniversary is just around the corner, and life is so good.

I don’t think it’s necessarily about not trusting each other with money.

DH and I know a lot of couples who have separate finances, and interestingly, two of the most “solid” couples we know (as in, we respect and admire their relationships as true committed partnerships) fit into this category.

Marriage isn’t (just) about money. And neither is trust.

[ixtap]

I really don't understand separate accounts in all but a few specialized cases. If you don't trust each other with your money, why get married?

DH and I married late in life. We were both pretty much FI. Getting hitched just sent us into the stratosphere. It is fucking bliss not to disagree on or even worry about money. Had we not been of similar mindset, we wouldn't have gotten married. Our ninth anniversary is just around the corner, and life is so good.

I don't think it is even usually about trust. It can be lazy (see above re: maintaining direct deposit without any fuss). It can be different account styles. It can be that after after years of maintaining your own accounts it is just what you are used to. It can be that each partner prefers a different institution.

When we finally created a joint checking, it was just because I no longer had any free options, so it made sense to add me to his account to save us money. And now, he really likes never worrying about the bills.

[Dicey]

I really don't understand separate accounts in all but a few specialized cases. If you don't trust each other with your money, why get married?

DH and I married late in life. We were both pretty much FI. Getting hitched just sent us into the stratosphere. It is fucking bliss not to disagree on or even worry about money. Had we not been of similar mindset, we wouldn't have gotten married. Our ninth anniversary is just around the corner, and life is so good.

I don’t think it’s necessarily about not trusting each other with money.

DH and I know a lot of couples who have separate finances, and interestingly, two of the most “solid” couples we know (as in, we respect and admire their relationships as true committed partnerships) fit into this category.

Marriage isn’t (just) about money. And neither is trust.

Agreed.

[Metalcat]

I really don't understand separate accounts in all but a few specialized cases. If you don't trust each other with your money, why get married?

DH and I married late in life. We were both pretty much FI. Getting hitched just sent us into the stratosphere. It is fucking bliss not to disagree on or even worry about money. Had we not been of similar mindset, we wouldn't have gotten married. Our ninth anniversary is just around the corner, and life is so good.

I don't think it is even usually about trust. It can be lazy (see above re: maintaining direct deposit without any fuss). It can be different account styles. It can be that after after years of maintaining your own accounts it is just what you are used to. It can be that each partner prefers a different institution.

When we finally created a joint checking, it was just because I no longer had any free options, so it made sense to add me to his account to save us money. And now, he really likes never worrying about the bills.

Again, let's distinguish between shared accounts and pooled resources

Shared accounts are often used to facilitating keeping finances separate. Meanwhile resources can be pooled with any orientation of accounts, shared or individual.

These are entirely separate issues.

But I also agree that not pooling resources isn't necessarily a matter of lack of trust. I have a lot of friends and colleagues who keep their finances totally separate, often because of owning businesses, having children from previous marriages, etc, etc.

However, these people also have the appropriate prenups in place, because keeping separate finances is beyond useless in the event of a divorce.

[maisymouser]

I really don't understand separate accounts in all but a few specialized cases. If you don't trust each other with your money, why get married?

DH and I married late in life. We were both pretty much FI. Getting hitched just sent us into the stratosphere. It is fucking bliss not to disagree on or even worry about money. Had we not been of similar mindset, we wouldn't have gotten married. Our ninth anniversary is just around the corner, and life is so good.

It's not always about *trust*. DH and I totally trust each other about what we spend on, but we are in very different places financially (him being 11 years my senior). So, it is much simpler for us to keep things divided- including separate checking accounts*, investments, and FI numbers. I don't want resentment either way when one of us decides to pull the trigger based on our numbers.

Of course we split big purchases and don't sweat the small stuff. Of course it's nice to know that DH has my back financially and vice versa. But we very much prefer knowing where we are at individually, even as we are married. We touch base regularly to see where we are at jointly in terms of NW. Takes us a total of maybe an hour a year. :)

*We do have a joint account but use it primarily as a vehicle to send money to one another's individual accounts when the need arises (property taxes, annual insurance bills, etc).

[GuitarStv]

I really don't understand separate accounts in all but a few specialized cases. If you don't trust each other with your money, why get married?

DH and I married late in life. We were both pretty much FI. Getting hitched just sent us into the stratosphere. It is fucking bliss not to disagree on or even worry about money. Had we not been of similar mindset, we wouldn't have gotten married. Our ninth anniversary is just around the corner, and life is so good.

It's not always about *trust*. DH and I totally trust each other about what we spend on, but we are in very different places financially (him being 11 years my senior). So, it is much simpler for us to keep things divided- including separate checking accounts*, investments, and FI numbers. I don't want resentment either way when one of us decides to pull the trigger based on our numbers.

This is actually the part I don't get.  Since we were married, my wife and I share everything.  Two people become one united front.  My money is her money, and her money is my money.  How could two people in a marriage be in different places financially?

The only way that it makes sense to me is if for some reason you don't trust your spouse with your money and there is no 'our' money, only mine and hers.  But then that brings up Dicey's question.

Honest question, this is something I've never understood about people who are married with different finances.  I get that it works for some couples . . . but just don't understand the mindset.

[Metalcat]

I really don't understand separate accounts in all but a few specialized cases. If you don't trust each other with your money, why get married?

DH and I married late in life. We were both pretty much FI. Getting hitched just sent us into the stratosphere. It is fucking bliss not to disagree on or even worry about money. Had we not been of similar mindset, we wouldn't have gotten married. Our ninth anniversary is just around the corner, and life is so good.

It's not always about *trust*. DH and I totally trust each other about what we spend on, but we are in very different places financially (him being 11 years my senior). So, it is much simpler for us to keep things divided- including separate checking accounts*, investments, and FI numbers. I don't want resentment either way when one of us decides to pull the trigger based on our numbers.

This is actually the part I don't get.  Since we were married, my wife and I share everything.  Two people become one united front.  My money is her money, and her money is my money.  How could two people in a marriage be in different places financially?

The only way that it makes sense to me is if for some reason you don't trust your spouse with your money and there is no 'our' money, only mine and hers.  But then that brings up Dicey's question.

Honest question, this is something I've never understood about people who are married with different finances.  I get that it works for some couples . . . but just don't understand the mindset.

Okay, here's an example.

Many business partnerships require a prenup that protects the stake in the business. Otherwise the business is one nasty divorce from having a share of the business be awarded to one member's angry ex spouse, which could be devastating.

So if I'm said partner, and my spouse is not entitled to the value of my equity share, then we might be inclined to equalize our wealth in the event of a divorce, whereby we put investments equivalent to the value of the business in my partner's name, which would also be protected with the prenup.

In this example, the reasons for having finances not pooled is actually because I'm trying to look out for my partner's interests.

Now imagine another scenario. I'm a business owner in my late 50s with 5 children who have worked their entire lives to help the family business. I get remarried to a woman with a solid career and a federal government pension. She plays no role in the business at all. After we get married, thanks to the brilliant work of my daughter, the business explodes in value and earnings. My wife wants no claim over the value or profits of a business she has had no impact on. She insists we keep our finances separate, and also insists on a prenup that keeps her pension hers and my business mine, to be passed down to my children, not her in the event of my death.

Another scenario is that I'm in my early 40s and I'm an early retiree with just enough 'stache to cover my expenses. I marry a man who has a great career that he loves, but little savings thanks to his very expensive divorce. His ex wife racked up a ton of debt and they were never on the same page financially. He's happy to work until traditional retirement age and I'm perfectly happy to do my own thing until then. However, I would like to keep my 'stache as my stache, and his investment style is very different from mine, so he wants to manage his own growing 'stache as he sees fit. We keep up a friendly competition as to whose investment strategy yields the best returns over time. So far, mine is winning ;) And yep, you guessed it, we have a prenup because otherwise the bulk of my 'stache would belong to me, but so would half of his, and I don't think that's fair.

[maisymouser]

I really don't understand separate accounts in all but a few specialized cases. If you don't trust each other with your money, why get married?

DH and I married late in life. We were both pretty much FI. Getting hitched just sent us into the stratosphere. It is fucking bliss not to disagree on or even worry about money. Had we not been of similar mindset, we wouldn't have gotten married. Our ninth anniversary is just around the corner, and life is so good.

It's not always about *trust*. DH and I totally trust each other about what we spend on, but we are in very different places financially (him being 11 years my senior). So, it is much simpler for us to keep things divided- including separate checking accounts*, investments, and FI numbers. I don't want resentment either way when one of us decides to pull the trigger based on our numbers.

This is actually the part I don't get.  Since we were married, my wife and I share everything.  Two people become one united front.  My money is her money, and her money is my money.  How could two people in a marriage be in different places financially?

The only way that it makes sense to me is if for some reason you don't trust your spouse with your money and there is no 'our' money, only mine and hers.  But then that brings up Dicey's question.

Honest question, this is something I've never understood about people who are married with different finances.  I get that it works for some couples . . . but just don't understand the mindset.

Okay, here's an example.

Many business partnerships require a prenup that protects the stake in the business. Otherwise the business is one nasty divorce from having a share of the business be awarded to one member's angry ex spouse, which could be devastating.

So if I'm said partner, and my spouse is not entitled to the value of my equity share, then we might be inclined to equalize our wealth in the event of a divorce, whereby we put investments equivalent to the value of the business in my partner's name, which would also be protected with the prenup.

In this example, the reasons for having finances not pooled is actually because I'm trying to look out for my partner's interests.

Now imagine another scenario. I'm a business owner in my late 50s with 5 children who have worked their entire lives to help the family business. I get remarried to a woman with a solid career and a federal government pension. She plays no role in the business at all. After we get married, thanks to the brilliant work of my daughter, the business explodes in value and earnings. My wife wants no claim over the value or profits of a business she has had no impact on. She insists we keep our finances separate, and also insists on a prenup that keeps her pension hers and my business mine, to be passed down to my children, not her in the event of my death.

Another scenario is that I'm in my early 40s and I'm an early retiree with just enough 'stache to cover my expenses. I marry a man who has a great career that he loves, but little savings thanks to his very expensive divorce. His ex wife racked up a ton of debt and they were never on the same page financially. He's happy to work until traditional retirement age and I'm perfectly happy to do my own thing until then. However, I would like to keep my 'stache as my stache, and his investment style is very different from mine, so he wants to manage his own growing 'stache as he sees fit. We keep up a friendly competition as to whose investment strategy yields the best returns over time. So far, mine is winning ;) And yep, you guessed it, we have a prenup because otherwise the bulk of my 'stache would belong to me, but so would half of his, and I don't think that's fair.

Exactly this. It's not about 'trust' necessarily as much as logistics, or sometimes just being respectful to the spouse and/or yourself. Our reasoning behind keeping our accounts separate is a relationship equally built on trust- I trust that I don't need DH to put his money into a shared account solely for the reason that "we're married and that's what married people are supposed to do".

Sure, if we split up, divvying up what each is owed is much, much easier. Obviously that's not what people plan for, but it happens. Basic stats. No one PLANS on getting divorced when they get married and create joint accounts. We are the kind of people who do have a prenup. I don't really want to ever be in the situation where things are crazy messy because we didn't plan for an unlikely situation.

On the other hand- if we never split up, there's no reason to merge anything anyway, because one of us will bite the dust before the other and it will all end up in the other person's name.

@GuitarStv My husband worked damned hard to get to the financial place he is at, and I respect that he has invested a lot more of his time/effort than I have to make it there. He was Mustachian far before I had heard of the term, back before MMM was even a thing. Knowing the sacrifices that it takes to be the level of frugal badass that DH is, I don't really feel the need to lay claim to any of it and treat it as 'ours'. For a while he was the breadwinner, and I would have felt kind of weird or in a potential power dynamic situation spending money he earned. That situation is beginning to flip, interestingly enough- I now earn more than him- so it will eventually be nice to keep what I'm earning in my own account. I have the same situation as Malcat, it's a very very friendly competition where we both win no matter what.

Bottom line, it's all personal. We all have our own relationships with partners and money that are highly individualistic, and as long as both parties feel healthy about it all, who cares?

[Kris]

Yep.

I don’t want to divulge how we deal with our accounts, exactly. But I will say this: DH was married previously, with children from that marriage. I was also married previously, but with no children.

There were a lot of complications arising from this.

I trust my husband implicitly. But a lot of the choices we made regarding our finances might look on the surface as if I didn’t.

[Metalcat]

[quote author=maisymouser li fair.

Exactly this. It's not about 'trust' necessarily as much as logistics, or sometimes just being respectful to the spouse and/or yourself. Our reasoning behind keeping our accounts separate is a relationship equally built on trust- I trust that I don't need DH to put his money into a shared account solely for the reason that "we're married and that's what married people are supposed to do".

Sure, if we split up, divvying up what each is owed is much, much easier. Obviously that's not what people plan for, but it happens. Basic stats. No one PLANS on getting divorced when they get married and create joint accounts. We are the kind of people who do have a prenup. I don't really want to ever be in the situation where things are crazy messy because we didn't plan for an unlikely situation.

On the other hand- if we never split up, there's no reason to merge anything anyway, because one of us will bite the dust before the other and it will all end up in the other person's name.

@GuitarStv My husband worked damned hard to get to the financial place he is at, and I respect that he has invested a lot more of his time/effort than I have to make it there. He was Mustachian far before I had heard of the term, back before MMM was even a thing. Knowing the sacrifices that it takes to be the level of frugal badass that DH is, I don't really feel the need to lay claim to any of it and treat it as 'ours'. For a while he was the breadwinner, and I would have felt kind of weird or in a potential power dynamic situation spending money he earned. That situation is beginning to flip, interestingly enough- I now earn more than him- so it will eventually be nice to keep what I'm earning in my own account. I have the same situation as Malcat, it's a very very friendly competition where we both win no matter what.

Bottom line, it's all personal. We all have our own relationships with partners and money that are highly individualistic, and as long as both parties feel healthy about it all, who cares?
[/quote]

Just FYI none of my examples are anything like my situation.

DH works for the government, and plans to until full retirement, at which point he will have a generous pension. I was a medical professional who made about double what he did.

We have always maintained separate accounts, but all of our resources are pooled. What mine is his, what's his is mine, so it doesn't matter what account it's in, all accounts belong to both of us.

However, I have a 'stache, and he has his pension, and they are valued at a nearly identical amounts, so in the event of a divorce, I take my 'stache, he keeps his pension, and we split the equity in the house.

So our accounts are entirely separate except for one joint account that only I use, because I basically just added his name to my existing chequing account so that he could get free VIP banking under my umbrella, but he never touches the shared account.

But our resources are entirely pooled. There is no his money or my money, it's all shared resources, regardless of the source.

That is, unless I enter into another business partnership that requires a prenup. But I doubt I'll ever do that again, I don't have the stomach for business partners.

[Dicey]

Your points make sense, but I have to say that the main reason I answered as I did was that OP is a week (now less) from getting married and they haven't figured this out yet. Instead of discussing it with their soon-to-be spouse, they have turned to this forum for advice. To be blunt, that's fucked up, which makes it very much a trust issue and a red flag of the highest order in my opinion.

[Imma]

I really don't understand separate accounts in all but a few specialized cases. If you don't trust each other with your money, why get married?

DH and I married late in life. We were both pretty much FI. Getting hitched just sent us into the stratosphere. It is fucking bliss not to disagree on or even worry about money. Had we not been of similar mindset, we wouldn't have gotten married. Our ninth anniversary is just around the corner, and life is so good.

It's not always about *trust*. DH and I totally trust each other about what we spend on, but we are in very different places financially (him being 11 years my senior). So, it is much simpler for us to keep things divided- including separate checking accounts*, investments, and FI numbers. I don't want resentment either way when one of us decides to pull the trigger based on our numbers.

This is actually the part I don't get.  Since we were married, my wife and I share everything.  Two people become one united front.  My money is her money, and her money is my money.  How could two people in a marriage be in different places financially?

The only way that it makes sense to me is if for some reason you don't trust your spouse with your money and there is no 'our' money, only mine and hers.  But then that brings up Dicey's question.

Honest question, this is something I've never understood about people who are married with different finances.  I get that it works for some couples . . . but just don't understand the mindset.

Well, the thing is. Not everyone feels like "two people become one united front". I know two become one is what the church teaches us. But it's not what everyone feels like. Some people enter marriage and similar arrangements (at least in Europe many countries recognize legal /civil partnerships as being equal to marriage) for different reasons. Our reason to formalize our relationship was mainly so we would become each other's next of kin, since our legal next of kin was dropping the ball and we needed to have an alternative. We still feel like we are adults and we are both responsible for our own lives. We enjoy being together and we are very happy but that doesn't mean that we are one now. We're still seperate people.

My civil partner and I have a pre-nup and we don't consider ourselves "two become one". We have a very solid relationship and we've been together for almost a decade. Some friends have gotten married and divorced in that timeframe and we're still extremely happy together. We have both joint and seperate accounts. The most important thing is, we are keeping our finances in line with our pre-nup.

I think that advice holds true for any kind of relationship: keep your real life situation in line with your legal situation. If you don't have a pre-nup, I don't think it would be wise to have completely seperate accounts that the other doesn't have access to, because the other person may get overdrafts, loans or creditcards that you don't know about and could still be liable for (everyone says that won't happen to them but I've known a few people who had that happen). If you have legally seperate property, it makes sense to keep things actually seperate because otherwise it may invalidate the pre-nup that you probably had a good reason for to draw up in the first place.

When we wrote our pre-nup we both owned businesses. I work as an employee again now but it's very important for us to keep our businesses seperate. We have not worked for eachother's businesses ever (very specialized businesses the other can't help with) so we felt it would be very unfair if the other person got a part of that if we divorced. We don't plan on divorcing, but both our parents were divorced. We are realistic about divorce. It can happen even though you never thought it would be happening to you.