Author Topic: Getting married... and what's next?  (Read 3097 times)

GorgeJorgeJerzy

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Getting married... and what's next?
« on: May 04, 2018, 05:52:24 PM »
Hello dear Mustachians,
This summer I'm getting married to my beloved redhead. Everything seems lovely except...

I have no idea how to keep any job without going insane.

I just managed to get out of crippling depression after a serious spine injury. Two suicide attempts later, after excruciating pain and plenty of work in therapy and rehab, I got back to being more or less physically fit. But I'm not the same as before. I'm still broken mentally. I just manage to get out of bed without meds.

I'm 25 and cannot keep a single job for longer than 6 months.

My parents got bankrupt and in debt. They closed their company and opened a new one. I was always engaged in the company and had put a lot of work into it, both as a physical worker on the construction site and in the office.

Now I'm a figurehead. On the paper, I'm the owner of the company while in reality, I have nothing to say, until they need me again. Prospect employers don't look kindly on workers with their own businesses.

I tried many things: working as a cashier (14 hours a day 6 days a week and still terrible pay), as Tech Support, as an inspector on the production site (I was too inquisitive and detailed, asking too many questions), as a tutor (it got me quite a lot of money, but then the supply skyrocketed cutting rates by half), as a translator (I also quit because wages got lower and lower).
Now I'm working as a forwarding agent with Spanish (4 months now), but honestly, I suck at it.

It looks like I'm running out of options.
What can a young man speaking Polish, English, Spanish and Norwegian do?
I cannot risk working physically again because of my back. I have no qualifications. I'm just about to finish my thesis and get Bachelor's degree in Norwegian study.
I'm pretty good at teaching people. I can learn dry facts and raw data really fast. I take long time learning skills.
Everybody tells me I'm susceptible to stress and it seems to be true.

Any ideas?



MDM

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2018, 08:59:48 PM »
There is 50 Jobs over $50,000 Without a Degree (Part 1) and Part 2 (link in part 1).

Otherwise - what degree? current location? geographically mobile?

GorgeJorgeJerzy

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2018, 01:09:08 AM »
I've read the articles several times.
I live in Poland and cannot travel because of my gf's health insurance.
Right now I won't risk working phisically (it would cost me too much if something happened to my back).

I thought about programming, but I'm still lingering.
It would take at least 2 years to get going.

I'm finishing Norwegian studies (Norwegian language and culture.


use2betrix

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2018, 10:34:26 AM »
Surely when you decided on that major you had a career path in mind?

GorgeJorgeJerzy

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2018, 12:22:50 PM »
Honestly, I had no idea. I thought Norwegians have money, let's learn Norwegian.

elliha

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2018, 02:01:15 PM »
If you speak Norwegian, have you considered looking for jobs in Norway? How about Sweden or Denmark? If you speak Norwegian you can understand Swedish and Danish too if you make an effort. It might not be for you but don't rule it out without checking it out. 

GorgeJorgeJerzy

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2018, 03:01:45 PM »
I speak pretty decent Norwegian and a bit of Swedish. I have been successfully communicating with Danish.

I thought about learning java, javascript, css or just html and hitting a remote job in a Norwegian company.

Is it too much of a long shot?

elliha

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2018, 03:12:09 PM »
I speak pretty decent Norwegian and a bit of Swedish. I have been successfully communicating with Danish.

I thought about learning java, javascript, css or just html and hitting a remote job in a Norwegian company.

Is it too much of a long shot?

I don't know much about the computer world I am afraid but I don't think it is completely far out. I assume that you can charge less in Poland than in Norway so both of you "win" and you can communicate with them in their native language (and English if necessary). Do some research and see if it is feasible.

marty998

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2018, 03:47:56 PM »
Work at the Polish embassy in Norway, Madrid or London as a translator?

Obviously this only works if your future wife can go with you and take her career on the road too.

GorgeJorgeJerzy

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2018, 02:32:11 PM »
I've tried applying there several times. Most of the answers are that I lack experience for the job.

The relocation is the tricky part. My gf has a serious health condition and needs medical supervision, so we cannot leave Poland.

Do you have any experience in working remotely for companies in different countries?

AMandM

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2018, 04:37:13 PM »
Could you get work as a tour guide, museum docent, that sort of thing? I'd think your languages and your ability to learn facts quickly would be real assets there. And Poland is a country where relatively few foreign tourists will speak the local language.

However, I also think that looking for suggestions of jobs is not really the right track for you.  Your real problem is this:

I have no idea how to keep any job without going insane.

I just managed to get out of crippling depression after a serious spine injury. Two suicide attempts later, after excruciating pain and plenty of work in therapy and rehab, I got back to being more or less physically fit. But I'm not the same as before. I'm still broken mentally. I just manage to get out of bed without meds.

I'm 25 and cannot keep a single job for longer than 6 months.

and there's no perfect job that will magically make you want to work for years. Every job is going to have drawbacks, patches of boredom, infuriating colleagues, etc. I think you have to figure out how you can strengthen yourself, mentally and emotionally as well as physically, so as to be able better to withstand such difficulties and endure working for more than 6 months. Maybe counseling, maybe meditation/prayer, maybe physiotherapy, maybe exercise, maybe some combination. I wish you the best of luck, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

catccc

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2018, 07:54:22 PM »
I wonder how much of your mental health is tied to this dilemma of what to do for a job, and unnecessarily so... is there any way to shift your thinking and not make it such a big decision?  My husband is this way, but much less these days than he used to be.  He put so much worth into what he "does" for a living and I think it is hugely to his detriment. 

I like what I do, it is fine and it suits me... but I don't rely on my job itself to provide much happiness for me.  My family, friends, and hobbies fill that role.  Sure, I get a boost from a job well done, but my job isn't my life and that's the way I like it.

Krolik

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2018, 02:29:56 PM »
I've tried applying there several times. Most of the answers are that I lack experience for the job.

The relocation is the tricky part. My gf has a serious health condition and needs medical supervision, so we cannot leave Poland.

Do you have any experience in working remotely for companies in different countries?

Hi Jerzy,

Poland is in EU so your wife would have access to health insurance in Norway. Look into European Health Insurance Card. Polish people are the biggest immigration group in Norway so if you really are serious about moving there it should be relatively easy to connect with people who already live there and can share first hand information what it means to move to Norway.
Immigration is not an easy process and takes a lot of determination and hard work to become successful (can mean different things to different people) in a foreign country. You need to be strong mentally to immigrate to a different country because you will start there from 0.
Your knowledge of Scandinavian languages is a huge advantage and I don't think it would be difficult for you to find a job there. You have to keep in mind that first job will be probably something basic but with time it will become easier and easier to move up if you are mindful about the process, flexible and willing to to pursue your goals.

I am also polish and my husband and I moved to US right after college 14 years ago. We both had engineering degrees but my US 'career' started from waiting the tables. In the meantime I volunteered for research organization I wanted to work for and eventually I got a job there. It was a turning point and put me on a path to well paying and professional jobs. Today we both work as professionals and our income puts us in upper middle class. But it didn't happen magically. It took many years of hard work, determination and many difficult moments when I was ready to pack everything up and go back home.
We are in a very good place now and I am glad we did it but it wasn't easy, but can be done.

Chances of finding a work remotely for a foreign company while living in Poland are very slim in my mind. You need to be a professional with experience. Get experience first, network and then it will be much easier to find something.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.

GorgeJorgeJerzy

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #13 on: May 14, 2018, 09:56:55 AM »
Thank you all for your replies. You don't know how much it means to me.

Update. I just got fired today. Stress took a toll on me. I have made several mistakes in the documentation. Thankfully I managed to straighten everything up and I'm not in any kind of debt. (Which paradoxically makes me richer than most of my friends).

Could you get work as a tour guide, museum docent, that sort of thing?
I checked. It doesn't pay very well at the moment. It used to. And it takes some time to start making money. First, you need to put money into courses and permits. Right now I cannot afford that (wedding). But thank you very much for the suggestion. It's good to have options.

Poland is in EU so your wife would have access to health insurance in Norway.
My fiancee has a rare disease and the only two places in UE that take care of similar conditions are in Poland and eastern Germany. Besides she earns very well here and only speaks Polish and German. To move anywhere except for Germany, she would have to pass remission(2 years) and learn English. That would be very selfish from my side.

Chances of finding a work remotely for a foreign company while living in Poland are very slim in my mind. You need to be a professional with experience. Get experience first, network and then it will be much easier to find something.
I've checked better offers for newbie programmers in Norway. Technically I could start very soon but to be on the safe side I've decided that I need to master the basics first and work for a polish company for at least 3 years. (In case of remote work I might get fined if I fail at a deadline or make a mistake. That would be a loss instead of gain.) I've consulted that well enough, even found a mentor (my cousin, who is a very successful developer and manager. Although he wouldn't hire me due to obvious reasons, he offered to guide me).

I wonder how much of your mental health is tied to this dilemma of what to do for a job, and unnecessarily so... is there any way to shift your thinking and not make it such a big decision?  My husband is this way, but much less these days than he used to be.  He put so much worth into what he "does" for a living and I think it is hugely to his detriment. 

I like what I do, it is fine and it suits me... but I don't rely on my job itself to provide much happiness for me.  My family, friends, and hobbies fill that role.  Sure, I get a boost from a job well done, but my job isn't my life and that's the way I like it.
I've also put a lot of pressure on my results at work. I define myself by it. For example, when I was tutoring I got a lot of high from my pupils' results. I didn't tire at all. When I was closing the deals in my parent's company I could sleep in the office to get up early and push forward feeling fresh.

I know I need more diversification. I shouldn't put everything on one card- work. Either I do well and get high or I'm worthless when I do not close a deal. That is not the way to go.

I'm trying to get back to exercise and meditation. It's getting better, only now am I able to see my progress. I try to enjoy little things like a walk in a park or a cup of a nice tea.
I'm getting back to fireshow (dancing with fire). It used to bring me some nice money besides being a satisfying hobby.

Now I need to get hooked on any kind of job for next few months until I'm able to move forward.

and there's no perfect job that will magically make you want to work for years. Every job is going to have drawbacks, patches of boredom, infuriating colleagues, etc. I think you have to figure out how you can strengthen yourself, mentally and emotionally as well as physically, so as to be able better to withstand such difficulties and endure working for more than 6 months. Maybe counseling, maybe meditation/prayer, maybe physiotherapy, maybe exercise, maybe some combination. I wish you the best of luck, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
Thank you. I'm still looking for ways to harden myself, or just get better. Now I know that for now, I cannot go overboard with extremely stressful professions. I need to take it easy... for now.



historienne

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #14 on: May 14, 2018, 10:33:57 AM »
I just managed to get out of crippling depression after a serious spine injury. Two suicide attempts later, after excruciating pain and plenty of work in therapy and rehab, I got back to being more or less physically fit. But I'm not the same as before. I'm still broken mentally. I just manage to get out of bed without meds.

Does this mean that you are not on medication for your depression?  If not, that seems like something definitely worth exploring.

robartsd

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #15 on: May 14, 2018, 10:40:11 AM »
I've also put a lot of pressure on my results at work. I define myself by it. For example, when I was tutoring I got a lot of high from my pupils' results. I didn't tire at all. When I was closing the deals in my parent's company I could sleep in the office to get up early and push forward feeling fresh.

I know I need more diversification. I shouldn't put everything on one card- work. Either I do well and get high or I'm worthless when I do not close a deal. That is not the way to go.

I'm trying to get back to exercise and meditation. It's getting better, only now am I able to see my progress. I try to enjoy little things like a walk in a park or a cup of a nice tea.
I'm getting back to fireshow (dancing with fire). It used to bring me some nice money besides being a satisfying hobby.

Now I need to get hooked on any kind of job for next few months until I'm able to move forward.
You sound a bit bi-polar. Have you sought out professional help for your mental condition? I hope your relationship is an asset that will help strengthen you mentally as you grow closer together. Please do allow her to a be a partner and support to you, don't try to shut her out from your struggles. It is hard to see people you love going through these type of things, it is even harder when they shut you out from it.

I just managed to get out of crippling depression after a serious spine injury. Two suicide attempts later, after excruciating pain and plenty of work in therapy and rehab, I got back to being more or less physically fit. But I'm not the same as before. I'm still broken mentally. I just manage to get out of bed without meds.

Does this mean that you are not on medication for your depression?  If not, that seems like something definitely worth exploring.
Yes, I hope you were specifically talking about getting off the pain meds due to your spine injury (very useful) not trying too hard to get off meds that assist you with your mental health (though I do understand that getting the right meds/dosage for these types of meds takes a lot of exploration which can be quite scary - a road best traveled with lots of help from both a great doctor and an outside partner you trust completely).

Dicey

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #16 on: May 14, 2018, 10:43:53 AM »
Have you considered postponing marriage until you are on more solid financial and emotional footing? I hear a lot of excuses about why you can't hold down a job, yet you are obviously intelligent. It might be wise to address these issues before saying "I do."

GorgeJorgeJerzy

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #17 on: May 14, 2018, 11:41:05 AM »
You sound a bit bi-polar. Have you sought out professional help for your mental condition? I hope your relationship is an asset that will help strengthen you mentally as you grow closer together. Please do allow her to a be a partner and support to you, don't try to shut her out from your struggles. It is hard to see people you love going through these type of things, it is even harder when they shut you out from it.
[...]
Does this mean that you are not on medication for your depression?  If not, that seems like something definitely worth exploring.
I checked if I'm bipolar. I also suspected that. Apparently, I'm not. Just every time I see I'm falling down I try to pull myself up by force. Often it seems fake. I was thought "Fake it till you make it".
Although, I was diagnosed with depression and nervous breakdown. I went on therapy, used prescribed meds. After 6 months I gradually left the meds and therapy. I was supervised by a specialist. After the first hiccups in a new job "inspector on the production site" under pressure, I broke down. I try to hide it. I don' t want to bother others or be perceived as weak. There is always someone at any job that would notice that I'm down and try picking on me.
This is how people are. Right now I'm not very good at dealing with it. This is a part of the puzzle.

Another part is that I need proof for everything. In order to feel successful, I need proof that I'm actually good or at least pretty decent at something. After so many failures I need plenty of evidence. My mood is dependant on outcomes and external factors. I probably should work on that too.

Have you considered postponing marriage until you are on more solid financial and emotional footing? I hear a lot of excuses about why you can't hold down a job, yet you are obviously intelligent. It might be wise to address these issues before saying "I do."
Basically, you are right. From a logical point of view. We've considered it. The decision to get married was spontaneous after my gf went out of the hospital. It was now or never type of a deal. Now it's a bit too far. Everything has been set in motion and paid for. Guests have been invited. It kind of filled me with hope and allowed to keep going. There was something to look up for.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2018, 02:10:54 PM by GorgeJorgeJerzy »

CestMoi

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #18 on: May 14, 2018, 02:19:02 PM »
I have a few suggestions:

1. Consider going back to tutoring for now, while you look into other training and options for the future--for example in programming or translation work. Are there ways for you to learn programming without paying much? I know there are many web sites that offer instruction in various programming. Study them and build a web site for yourself on your own as practice and proof of experience. I realize you said that the pay for tutoring has gone down, but if you keep looking, you may find some decent-paying gigs. Your English seems pretty good judging from your post. Is English tutoring in demand where you live? Are there alternate venues for tutoring you can look into?

2. Look into medication for your depression, maybe an SSRI. It's important to treat depression as well as you can, because everything will be more difficult if you don't.

3. What kind of experience is needed to work for the embassy as a translator? Is there some way you can get more translation experience to move in that direction? Languages seem to be a strong area for you.

robartsd

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #19 on: May 14, 2018, 03:07:44 PM »
Although, I was diagnosed with depression and nervous breakdown. I went on therapy, used prescribed meds. After 6 months I gradually left the meds and therapy. I was supervised by a specialist. After the first hiccups in a new job "inspector on the production site" under pressure, I broke down. I try to hide it. I don' t want to bother others or be perceived as weak. There is always someone at any job that would notice that I'm down and try picking on me.
This is how people are. Right now I'm not very good at dealing with it. This is a part of the puzzle.
I wasn't trying to say that you shouldn't try to hide your struggles from your everyday co-workers, but that you should let your loved ones be partners in dealing with your struggles.

GorgeJorgeJerzy

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #20 on: May 14, 2018, 03:37:37 PM »
I have a few suggestions:

1. Consider going back to tutoring for now, while you look into other training and options for the future--for example in programming or translation work. Are there ways for you to learn programming without paying much? I know there are many web sites that offer instruction in various programming. Study them and build a web site for yourself on your own as practice and proof of experience. I realize you said that the pay for tutoring has gone down, but if you keep looking, you may find some decent-paying gigs. Your English seems pretty good judging from your post. Is English tutoring in demand where you live? Are there alternate venues for tutoring you can look into?
The wages got a lot lower (English, Spanish, Norwegian, math). At least by half in the part of the city, I live in. Demand is low. I could consider moving to outskirts where the demand is higher. Silly. I considered moving to a different city but I overlooked moving to a different part of my city. The rent would be lower too. The only downside is that I don't have a car or license yet.

2. Look into medication for your depression, maybe an SSRI. It's important to treat depression as well as you can, because everything will be more difficult if you don't.
I need to try different meds. The ones I used made me feel dull. I want to stay sharp and focused. I'll try different ones. Maybe the ones helping with neurogenesis. Students often fake depression to get them. They help with studying and other cognitive functions.

3. What kind of experience is needed to work for the embassy as a translator? Is there some way you can get more translation experience to move in that direction? Languages seem to be a strong area for you.
Don't laugh here. Not trying to bang the daughter of a Norwegian consular would help. They don't like me there. For other places like NATO and Spanish Council, I lack working in one position for longer than 6 months. I just need to work in one place for a longer period of time.


I wasn't trying to say that you shouldn't try to hide your struggles from your everyday co-workers, but that you should let your loved ones be partners in dealing with your struggles.
I tell her everything and she knows what I went through. I just don't want to burden her anymore. It was a difficult year for both of us. Unfortunately, there is no one else I could trust besides her. I was too busy pursuing the one perfect job to keep in touch with my friends. And the family is no good since there are too many unresolved issues around my parent's company. I don't want any more conflict, so I just sit quiet.

robartsd

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Re: Getting married... and what's next?
« Reply #21 on: May 14, 2018, 05:31:29 PM »
The wages got a lot lower (English, Spanish, Norwegian, math). At least by half in the part of the city, I live in. Demand is low. I could consider moving to outskirts where the demand is higher. Silly. I considered moving to a different city but I overlooked moving to a different part of my city. The rent would be lower too. The only downside is that I don't have a car or license yet.
My understanding is that public transit is a viable option in much of Europe. Personally I love cycle commuting - excercise can be great at improving mood after a bad day at work.

I need to try different meds. The ones I used made me feel dull. I want to stay sharp and focused. I'll try different ones. Maybe the ones helping with neurogenesis. Students often fake depression to get them. They help with studying and other cognitive functions.
Sounds like it would be worth a discussion with your doctor on that.

I tell her everything and she knows what I went through. I just don't want to burden her anymore. It was a difficult year for both of us. Unfortunately, there is no one else I could trust besides her. I was too busy pursuing the one perfect job to keep in touch with my friends. And the family is no good since there are too many unresolved issues around my parent's company. I don't want any more conflict, so I just sit quiet.
It's OK to vent here to the internet rather than rehashing what you've already shared with her, but do keep her updated on how you're doing/what you're thinking about trying. Trust her if she tells you she wants to know and/or doesn't consider it a burden. I can understand making a different choice for how you deal with the family you were born to vs. the family that you are choosing.

Are you blamed in the family for any issues around your parent's company? I don't like the description of the situation you've described and wonder if they are being fraudulent in a way that could come back to hurt you.