Author Topic: Frustration with Spendthrifts  (Read 29080 times)

BPA

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #50 on: March 14, 2013, 10:43:42 AM »

luckily, these family members already see me as a selfish uptight bitch, so i know they will never ask me for money, because they already know the answer will be "not a dime."

ha ha ha ha  I already thought I was a selfish, uptight bitch.  Need to work on those skills, I guess.  ;)

kisserofsinners

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #51 on: March 14, 2013, 04:25:33 PM »
While I refuse to pick of the slack, my continual refrain is "I can't afford that.  I can't afford that."  I guess it's just a good thing we don't live together.

I told him to suck it up and that I couldn't afford to replace both the textbook and his shoes and he'd have newer shoes if he had been more responsible.

I have explained and explained to the people in my life that I can't afford to do what they want many times.  Why are they not getting it?

And I am so sick of saying "I can't afford it" over and over and over.

You're working too hard. Don't explain a damned thing. People are far more motivated to misunderstand then to get it. Further, "explaining" creates an opening for others to "fix your problem" they're trying to help. I would also like to differentiate between "explaining" and "excusing" when you say, "I can't afford it" you are actually excusing yourself, not explaining yourself. The difference is implying that there is something that can be done, like your friend who got shoes for your kid.

I would stick to being more direct. Stay away from "I can't afford it", because you can. and especially stay away from saying...

It might seem like I make a lot of money, I have many expenses and want to save so that I can pay off my house and retire in 5.5 years, she doesn't get it. 

ever. Really, anyone who isn't on the same page with us here will find this offensive. It is literally, offensive to people who are convinced they will forever be barely making it. Is it actually offensive? No. It is technically their problem, but it can still be a big downer in your daily.

I might help to say, "I don't want to."
or simply, "No thanks"
or "I don't have money for [*that*]."

Good Luck

BPA

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #52 on: March 14, 2013, 07:55:43 PM »
@Kisserofsinners:  Thanks for the advice.  Today when I was helping my son with a project, I pointed out that this was why I work part-time, so that I will have more time to help him with school work and deal with stuff.  He is needier than other kids his age.  He was so cute and said, "I was a douche when I complained before.  Sorry, Mom."

He's a sweet kid, but you are right.  Sometimes you need to explain things to kids and sometimes they just need to accept what is is.

tmac

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #53 on: March 15, 2013, 06:58:56 AM »
BPA: I had a similar conversation with one of my little kids a few weeks back. We were at the playground across the street from our house after school, and she was begging for a new backpack, even though the 2-year-old one she has is in excellent shape.

I explained that we didn't choose to spend our money on extra things like that, so she asked why I didn't just "get a regular job" and then we'd have more money. (I have two part-time jobs that I do from home, and I spend a lot of time at home reducing our expenses by scratch cooking, etc.)

"I didn't say we don't HAVE the money; we just choose to use it in other ways. And, if I worked full-time, we wouldn't be at the park right now. I'd be at an office and you'd still be at school."

"Oh. I guess I'd rather have you with us than have a new backpack. Never mind."

:)

kisserofsinners

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #54 on: March 15, 2013, 01:02:50 PM »
@Kisserofsinners:  Thanks for the advice.  Today when I was helping my son with a project, I pointed out that this was why I work part-time, so that I will have more time to help him with school work and deal with stuff.  He is needier than other kids his age.  He was so cute and said, "I was a douche when I complained before.  Sorry, Mom."

He's a sweet kid, but you are right.  Sometimes you need to explain things to kids and sometimes they just need to accept what is is.

Sounds like a sweet kid. I'm glad you appreciated it. I hit "enter" before realizing this convo is a month old. :)  I too get caught up in excusing/explaining myself and am working hard to stop. I would love it if i would listen to my own advice.

momo

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #55 on: March 15, 2013, 01:22:30 PM »
While I refuse to pick of the slack, my continual refrain is "I can't afford that.  I can't afford that."  I guess it's just a good thing we don't live together.

I told him to suck it up and that I couldn't afford to replace both the textbook and his shoes and he'd have newer shoes if he had been more responsible.

I have explained and explained to the people in my life that I can't afford to do what they want many times.  Why are they not getting it?

And I am so sick of saying "I can't afford it" over and over and over.

You're working too hard. Don't explain a damned thing. People are far more motivated to misunderstand then to get it. Further, "explaining" creates an opening for others to "fix your problem" they're trying to help. I would also like to differentiate between "explaining" and "excusing" when you say, "I can't afford it" you are actually excusing yourself, not explaining yourself. The difference is implying that there is something that can be done, like your friend who got shoes for your kid.

I would stick to being more direct. Stay away from "I can't afford it", because you can. and especially stay away from saying...

It might seem like I make a lot of money, I have many expenses and want to save so that I can pay off my house and retire in 5.5 years, she doesn't get it. 

ever. Really, anyone who isn't on the same page with us here will find this offensive. It is literally, offensive to people who are convinced they will forever be barely making it. Is it actually offensive? No. It is technically their problem, but it can still be a big downer in your daily.

I might help to say, "I don't want to."
or simply, "No thanks"
or "I don't have money for [*that*]."

Good Luck

Looking over your thought process kisserofsinners, I completely agree. It is far easier to not offer any explanation and just let them deal with your brief answers at face value. I should try this more myself too.

momo

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #56 on: March 15, 2013, 01:24:16 PM »
@Kisserofsinners:  Thanks for the advice.  Today when I was helping my son with a project, I pointed out that this was why I work part-time, so that I will have more time to help him with school work and deal with stuff.  He is needier than other kids his age.  He was so cute and said, "I was a douche when I complained before.  Sorry, Mom."

He's a sweet kid, but you are right.  Sometimes you need to explain things to kids and sometimes they just need to accept what is is.

Thanks for sharing this story BPA. Your son's words really made my day! Cheers! :)

retiredat58

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #57 on: February 15, 2016, 09:51:40 AM »
When my sister's daughter comes to visit her for a week, her daughter buys all the groceries for herself, her  two kids and my sister for the whole week ! It's been going on for years and I think it's outrageous !

ohana

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #58 on: February 15, 2016, 10:19:52 AM »
I wonder if you can give your son a yearly budget somehow, so that if he messes up that money comes out of HIS money not yours?  I had a clothing budget when I was in middle and high school, and that made me much more cautious about buying silly things.  And yes, I lost money out of it once when I needed to replace a calculator.  That hurt!

tobitonic

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #59 on: February 15, 2016, 12:02:24 PM »
To play devil's advocate for just a wee bit (and I realize this is an old thread), if you were making 63k while working part time, you *did* make a fantastic amount of money compared to the typical (median) individual salary, which was closer to 28k. Even when you only factored in full time individuals (and as you noted, you weren't full time), you were much still higher than their median of around 51k. If you went about saying you couldn't afford things to people who made significantly less than you do (which was apparently the majority of individuals in the country), it made sense, parental and boundary issues aside, that you'd have been met with pushback and resentment. You *could* afford lots of things; you just didn't want to spend the money on them. But that didn't absolve you of the fact that you did have more money at your disposition than they did.

That said, I fully agree that you needed to change how you approached these folks and simply be more assertive, which it sounds like you did. It's just worth noting that being frugal on a higher income doesn't negate the fact that you have a higher income. This comes up time and again on the forums when folks go about saying they make 100k but spend 50k so they're really middle class.

SwordGuy

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #60 on: February 15, 2016, 12:23:55 PM »
I have to say, I'm very simple about things.

If someone stiffed me for the check at a restaurant, and then tried to do it again, I would tell them "I'm just paying for my own bill.  You will have to take care of your own."

I would pay my bill and make sure the waitress had my contact info in case they stiffed the waitress, too.

I believe in being nice, but I don't believe in enabling bad behavior.

BPA

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #61 on: February 15, 2016, 06:27:28 PM »
Ha!  A lot has changed since three years ago tomorrow when I started this thread.  :)

Now that I am no longer working, people assume I have less money than I do instead of more.  My boyfriend and I made a commitment to do more frugal date things.  My son gets that my money has to last for the rest of my life and he also picks up jobs from time to time now that he is older.  My mother and brother both get that I can't be subsidizing everyone in a way they didn't before.

I guess this was a case of "giving it time" solved the problem, because it wound up annoying me on occasion until I FIREd.  My son did get better about expecting stuff at least and didn't lose another textbook or calculator after that. 

dragoncar

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #62 on: February 16, 2016, 02:51:11 AM »
Ha!  A lot has changed since three years ago tomorrow when I started this thread.  :)

Now that I am no longer working, people assume I have less money than I do instead of more.  My boyfriend and I made a commitment to do more frugal date things.  My son gets that my money has to last for the rest of my life and he also picks up jobs from time to time now that he is older.  My mother and brother both get that I can't be subsidizing everyone in a way they didn't before.

I guess this was a case of "giving it time" solved the problem, because it wound up annoying me on occasion until I FIREd.  My son did get better about expecting stuff at least and didn't lose another textbook or calculator after that.

Are you getting tired of telling people "I can afford it?"

BPA

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Re: Frustration with Spendthrifts
« Reply #63 on: February 16, 2016, 06:32:22 AM »
Ha!  A lot has changed since three years ago tomorrow when I started this thread.  :)

Now that I am no longer working, people assume I have less money than I do instead of more.  My boyfriend and I made a commitment to do more frugal date things.  My son gets that my money has to last for the rest of my life and he also picks up jobs from time to time now that he is older.  My mother and brother both get that I can't be subsidizing everyone in a way they didn't before.

I guess this was a case of "giving it time" solved the problem, because it wound up annoying me on occasion until I FIREd.  My son did get better about expecting stuff at least and didn't lose another textbook or calculator after that.

Are you getting tired of telling people "I can afford it?"

I've said that once about a $14 bottle of wine.  :)  My boyfriend, who often works where I used to work, is the one who has assured people that I can afford my life.  Teachers here don't quit their careers 2/3 of the way through, so a number of our colleagues freaked out when I did.  When one women he finds particularly irritating said, "But how will she pay her rent?!?!?" he understood part of my frustration.  He said, "She actually did think about that."

But for the most part, I'm liking that people are not assuming that I can subsidize their lives anymore.  Especially when those lives are pretty spendy compared to mine.