Friends Wedding Getaway

[MissionPossible]

I have a friend who is getting married in January in a tropical spot. When he invited me they wanted me to enrol in some kind of a package that a wedding lady was selling, I guess that's what everybody else who is going is doing. It includes all inclusive hotel, flight etc. I politely declined as I wanted to use my mustachian ways to go for much less than what that deal was for.

Now i'm wondering what the hell i'm going to do. All in that package was something like $2500ish for a week. I'm sure it would be a great time but the mustachian in me is going crazy. Booking a flight separately is about $500 round trip. It's in a beautiful tropical spot so we're going to be out all day, i'm never down with spending a lot of money on a hotel so i'm fine with some $50/night Airbnb place. So $300ish for accommodation. So we're up to $800. Add in a bit of food and we'll call it $1200 that I would like to pay compared to the $2500 all inclusive.

Only problem is i'll be separated from everyone to some extent except when they leave the hotel etc. I feel like it will be awkward coming and going. I guess this is where I think to myself "See, now this is why i'm a bit different..."

What to do mustachians...what to do?

[Retire-Canada]

How good of a friend is it?

[Pigeon]

Personally, I think destination weddings are obnoxious, so I would spend a little money on a gift and decline wasting my vacation time and squandering many hundreds of dollars.

[MissionPossible]

How good of a friend is it?

Pretty good. I don't see him very much right now because we live in different cities, but he's certainly what I would consider a good buddy. And I feel like not going would damage that. But at the same time i'm silently shaking my head. I spent about $2500 to go to Europe for 3 weeks this year to 3 different countries. Goes very against my normal spending to blow $2500 on one week to a place i've already been, even though it is for a good friends wedding. But then staying somewhere that's not at the resort would be weird I feel.

[Basenji]

Don't go. Send a nice present.

[asiljoy]

Personally, I think destination weddings are obnoxious, so I would spend a little money on a gift and decline wasting my vacation time and squandering many hundreds of dollars.

This is what I wished I would have done in a tactful manner. Instead, I reflexively said yes and dropped 3,000 between a flight/car/accommodations (for my husband and I) because it was for my best friend. Now I'm flip flopping between 1) wft the was I thinking??? 2) trying to have a positive attitude so the money doesn't go to waste. 

Honestly, this seems like the perfect wedding for them and makes sense with our group of friends. We all travel a lot and have traveled together before. It just isn't a good time for our family... I guess for me it's a good lesson in thinking something through before agreeing to do it...

[tvan]

Personally, I think destination weddings are obnoxious, so I would spend a little money on a gift and decline wasting my vacation time and squandering many hundreds of dollars.

Actually destination weddings are very mustachian....for the wedding couple.

[fishnfool]

Personally, I think destination weddings are obnoxious, so I would spend a little money on a gift and decline wasting my vacation time and squandering many hundreds of dollars.

Actually destination weddings are very mustachian....for the wedding couple.

My thoughts exactly!

My wife and I married 12 years ago in Hawaii alone, had a wonderful dinner reception at our house when we got back from the honeymoon. I would never expect friends and family to spend their money to join us. But I've heard of people doing this and throwing a huge wedding with tons of guests at a far away resort. I wouldn't go if it were me.

[Terrestrial]

I will probably break from most of the posts you will get on this but if you can afford it (i.e. the 1k difference isn't a backbreaking ammt of money, you didn't have to charge it on a CC, etc) i would have just paid for it if it's a really good friend and some of your other friends are going. I love traveling and to me great experiences with friends and family are what i save all the $$ for, it's worth the premium it sometimes takes to do stuff like that IMO.

If you decide to go through with the staying separate thing at least try to air bnb it close enough that its easy for you to be at the hotel for when everyone leaves for the day trips and what not.

[Kiwi Mustache]

Life is for living, not being a no fun tight ass spendthrift.

Save money on other things. But if this is one of your better friends then go for it. Just skip your next vacation or big ticket spend item instead.

[okits]

How much do you save if you go for 3-4 days instead of the entire week?

[Retire-Canada]

Don't go. Send a nice present.

That's a reasonable alternative.

[DeltaBond]

Can you just go for the wedding and reception, or just send a nice gift?  Honestly, I got married recently, as did an in-law and destination weddings upset a lot of people, they feel obligated, and end up having to put off paying for something they need just to go attend someone else's big day.  For that matter, just renting a tux for a few hundred bucks can upset a lot of people.  I personally feel its too much to ask other people to spend a few THOUSAND dollars on someone ELSE's wishes.  If you're good friends, they'll understand, if you're not good friends, why are you going?

[FrugalShrew]

Don't go. Send a nice present.

And plan a trip to visit your friend some time in the near future so you get in some quality time with him!

[neo von retorch]

Only problem is i'll be separated from everyone to some extent except when they leave the hotel etc. I feel like it will be awkward coming and going. I guess this is where I think to myself "See, now this is why i'm a bit different..."

On a good TRIP, you don't spend much time in the hotel except for sleep, so I wouldn't let that particular concern bother you. You have $1300 left over to buy a round of drinks at the hotel bar if they happen to do something social indoors.

[Blonde Lawyer]

If the bride and grooms friends and relatives are all scattered around the country or the world, they had to pick a destination, any destination.  If you have to shell out money to get to a destination, isn't it better that it is in a preferred vacation spot rather than some random town 3 hours from an airport?

With weddings, you can't win.  Someone will always be upset w/ your choice.  My family is all in one spot and my husband's is scattered so we chose my hometown so half of our guests didn't have to travel.  Some of his guests were annoyed b/c my small town wasn't a preferred vacation place and not super convenient to the airport despite the fact that my in-laws had arranged transportation for everyone.  Some of them thought, gee, if we all have to travel anyway, why not (insert more fun locale?) Once they realized my family didn't have to travel they were more okay with it.

Same thinking for my husband's high school reunion.  He went to an American School in an overseas country.  The reunion was in Vegas.  Cheaper than bringing everyone back to foreign country, few of the students already lived in Vegas so almost everyone would share equally in travel and the flights and accommodations could be had on the cheap.

[DeltaBond]

Or, people can just do their wedding and not expect everyone to pay to come.  My in-law did a slight destination wedding, a few hours away and tried to pressure everyone into several nights in a hotel, tux rental, etc.  Most of the people walking around before the wedding were complaining.  I did a county clerk thing and just sent out announcements and I got a lot of thank you's after that... other than one selfish person saying, "Your wedding isn't for YOU, its for the family!"... I just laughed that one off.

Someone asking you to spend a few thousand is extreme, period.

[use2betrix]

Don't go if you don't want. They should understand that goes along with having a destination wedding. My fiance and I may be having one and we don't plan on a ton of people coming and other than immediately family we don't mind too much.

[AZDude]

I would pay the $2500, have a good time, and just accept that this was a once-in-a-great-while treat. A short vacation from normal mustachianism. If a friend was invited to my wedding, and they could easily afford it but chose instead to send a gift, I would be very unhappy and possibly unfriending them, as long as this is wedding #1.

Certain life events you expect your good friends to be there to celebrate with you. A wedding is one of them. You should go.

[Apples]

I would pay the $2500, have a good time, and just accept that this was a once-in-a-great-while treat. A short vacation from normal mustachianism. If a friend was invited to my wedding, and they could easily afford it but chose instead to send a gift, I would be very unhappy and possibly unfriending them, as long as this is wedding #1.

Certain life events you expect your good friends to be there to celebrate with you. A wedding is one of them. You should go.

+1.  If you just went on a trip to Europe (I can't remember if that was OP or someone else), or generally have cash floating around, just go.  Spend the money.  Is it possible to cut down the number of days you're there?  You could always say that work won't let you off for a full week to cut down on time, but then you're still staying with everyone.  The other important factor is whether a good number of other friends are going.  Who are you going to hang out with other than the wedding couple?  There could be a lot of down time to mingle with other people.  This friend is a good buddy of yours, and sometimes we do things out of normal for friends.  Mustachianism to me is about spending on priorities, and celebrating with a good buddy on one of the biggest days of their lives is a priority in my book.  If you're not strapped for cash, do the whole shebang.

[little_brown_dog]

depends - is this all inclusive the place where the wedding and alot of the events will be held? if so, it might be worth it to eat the extra cost (reduced hassle of getting to the venues, ability to hangout late after the event or mingle with other friends/guests at the pool during off times). if the hotel is a different one than the venue don't feel bad about staying elsewhere.

we just returned from a tropical destination wedding and opted not to stay at the recommended hotels due to expense. we found a less expensive option nearby and many of the other guests did the same thing, so we didn't miss out on anything other than a high bill!

[jeromedawg]

For me, it would really depend on the level of friendship I have with the friend. If it's someone who invited me just to "fill seats" and who I didn't really know too well or who was more of an 'acquaintance', I'd be less-inclined to go.

But, other circumstances withstanding, if it were a pretty good or close friend who I enjoy hanging out with, I'd be open to going.

Now, as far as the option to take in terms of staying at the same place or somewhere else, it would really depend on how far away the 'cheaper' places are to the hotel as well as how many other people are at the hotel vs off-site. The other factor that would make a difference is if any other friends/family are going who I'm close with and what they would decide to do. I do agree that it would be a bit odd if you were the *only* one who was off-site and you were like 50 miles away (and it probably wouldn't be worth the trouble) but if you're at a place down the street and especially if other friends/family are doing the same or similar, why not go with the cheaper option?

Unless your friend has specifically requested that everyone stay together and for good reason, I'd definitely research and consider alternatives.

Oh yea the other factor of course is if I actually had time and *wanted* to go to such a wedding. Weighing in all the factors should help you have a better idea at least...

[nobody123]

I wonder if the travel package is like tuxedo rental -- if you get X number of people to rent it, the groom's tux is free.  I bet the couple got a free / cheaper travel deal if enough of their guests bought the package too.

I would only foot the bill to go to a destination wedding if it was an immediate family member or if I actually wanted to go to that place.  If your friend gets upset that you didn't go, just lie and say you couldn't afford it. 

[DeltaBond]

I keep coming back to this thread, I guess because I've seen this happen so many times.  I hope you can come to terms with a decision, but honestly, if he truly is a good friend, why would not going damage the friendship??  You're planning a vacation you actually want to go on, and that's not a cheap thing to do.... the fact that you're on here asking about it and considering other options says you're simply not interested in spending your money this way.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I, personally, would go from viewing someone as a good friend to a so-so friend of they made me feel that it would damage our relationship if I did not spend $2500 on something I didn't really want to do.  He wasn't worried about damaging the friendship by putting you in an uncomfortable position.  just sayin'

[JustGettingStarted1980]

Pretty good friends are very hard to make and keep in life. Take care of them. Nurture them. Show that you value them.  $1500-3000 spent on a tropical paradise wedding for a good friend is peanuts in consideration of the lifetime value of an excellent friendship.

As long as it's not a One-way Taker-Giver relationship, I say go to the wedding with open arms and a big smile and have a great time.

[I'm a red panda]

Only problem is i'll be separated from everyone to some extent except when they leave the hotel etc. I feel like it will be awkward coming and going. I guess this is where I think to myself "See, now this is why i'm a bit different..."

On a good TRIP, you don't spend much time in the hotel except for sleep, so I wouldn't let that particular concern bother you. You have $1300 left over to buy a round of drinks at the hotel bar if they happen to do something social indoors.

On an all inclusive trip though, often people stay and hang out at the hotel. The "trip" is sitting by the pool and enjoying drinks.

[Katsplaying]

Only problem is i'll be separated from everyone to some extent except when they leave the hotel etc. I feel like it will be awkward coming and going. I guess this is where I think to myself "See, now this is why i'm a bit different..."

On a good TRIP, you don't spend much time in the hotel except for sleep, so I wouldn't let that particular concern bother you. You have $1300 left over to buy a round of drinks at the hotel bar if they happen to do something social indoors.

Some all-inclusives can get a bit snippy about people enjoying their amenities without paying full-freight to stay there (I actually typed "full-fright" which I guess is also accurate) so do some judicious inquiring about policies for guests of guests.

On an all inclusive trip though, often people stay and hang out at the hotel. The "trip" is sitting by the pool and enjoying drinks.

[neo von retorch]

On an all inclusive trip though, often people stay and hang out at the hotel. The "trip" is sitting by the pool and enjoying drinks.

Ew. :) Not that I don't occasionally enjoy a little lazy downtime, but I like my trips to be novel and adventurous!

[I'm a red panda]

On an all inclusive trip though, often people stay and hang out at the hotel. The "trip" is sitting by the pool and enjoying drinks.

Ew. :) Not that I don't occasionally enjoy a little lazy downtime, but I like my trips to be novel and adventurous!

Yeah, it isn't the kind of vacation I enjoy either; but if the friend's wedding is at an AI, I wouldn't assume that staying at another hotel means you get to do much more at their hotel than attend the ceremony (and even then you may have to purchase a day pass to the resort.)  The number of excursions the other guests take would vary based on the group.  But some people never leave the gates.

I'd either call it a sunk cost to enjoy the wedding vacation, or I wouldn't go.  I don't think staying separately would be worth it, unless that was a vacation I already wanted to take.

[Jouer]

My wife and I got married at a Caribbean location at an all-inclusive resort. I live half-way across the country from most of my family and childhood friends and my wife comes from a military family so her family is all over the place as well.

A couple of close friends could not make it for $$ reasons and lots of extended family could not make it for $$ and/or timing reasons. I told people that I would never want them to break the bank to attend my wedding; if they could make it, that would be great, but there was no obligation to do so. Our friendship certainly did not rise & fall based on whether they came or not. It was our choice to have the wedding out of country so we had to live with the consequences of some people not being able to attend.

For what it is worth, my friends rave over how great a time we had. It's hard for some people to get away on these kinds of trips - part of the fun was having a great group of people together on one vacation.

[Bob W]

On an all inclusive trip though, often people stay and hang out at the hotel. The "trip" is sitting by the pool and enjoying drinks.

Ew. :) Not that I don't occasionally enjoy a little lazy downtime, but I like my trips to be novel and adventurous!

So my wife forced me into a week at an all inclusive deal at Iberostar resort in Mexico.  Basically it was a prison.  If you wanted off the resort you had to pay.  We sat around the pool and drank lots.  Ironically we live less than a mile from a water park we haven't been to in years but somehow sweating the high humidity Mexican heat was supposed to be a vacation?

Nope,  I'll never do that again.   Apparently these all inclusive resort prisons are for people with money to burn and lack of creativity?   Believe me -- sitting around a pool all day for days in a row is now my version of hell.

My opinion on this particular event is to politely decline.   Say something like "Bro,  I'm very happy for you but the time and money commitment for this is more than I can handle.   I hope you understand?"   Send them a nice gift or a check or something if you desire.

You realize of course that "all inclusive is a misnomer?"   While there you will be required to attend the off resort bach party which will probably run $250.  They will want you to attend a couple of other off resort deals to the tune of $300.   They will also expect a nice gift so add another bunch.    Oh and don't forget tipping,  gas to the airport,  a passport (if you don't have one?)  Long term parking etc.. 

So yeah,  be polite,  value your friendship etc...

By the way,  if I were planning such an event,  I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to show except the mother-in-laws family.   

Most people attending will be quietly bitching about the cost.

And also,  the cost of this wedding is uber high.  You can therefore assume that the marriage will end before the wedding is paid off. 

[ReadySetMillionaire]

I had a good friend get married in Brooklyn this past Friday. I didn't go because of work obligations (which I might have been able to get out of, but might have looked bad) and the cost. Driving there plus hotel was going to run about $1,200 and I just couldn't stomach that.

I already regret it, quite a lot actually. A ton of my friends from Ohio State that I haven't seen in too long were there and I missed a truly great get-together. Those friendships are harder and harder to keep as time goes on, and I missed a really good opportunity to see all of them.

Barring some sort of family event or emergency, I don't plan on turning down a wedding invitation for a good friend ever again.

[I'm a red panda]

That is honestly one of the highlights of my life, it was an amazing time...

Of course it was! It was your wedding!


(However, I suspect your guests who went had a very nice time.)

[daymare]

I agree with others that if the package is for an all-inclusive hotel at a tropical destination, it's likely that most guests will be lounging around the pool with drinks, and sticking to the hotel.  If you know the other guests, staying at the hotel with everyone else will be an amazing opportunity for quality time with your friends (where everyone is relaxed and doesn't have to plan anything).  If I were you, I would think about how close you are to the couple (and whether you want to remain close in the future), and how you feel about the monetary cost.  I would either go, and do the whole package and eat the cost, or decide not to attend and as graciously as possible break the news to the couple (and send a card + gift, if I want to show I value their friendship).  If you choose not to attend, I might reference work constraints - the fact that you recently went on an extended vacation might actually be an explanation as to why you can't take yet another vacation.  Or perhaps you can reference the timing not working with your company's cycle.

It's worth remembering that weddings are rife with symbolism for everyone involved - which is why if you say 'the cost isn't feasible', the couple might hear 'your wedding isn't a priority - I'll spend on my own vacation, but not your destination wedding'.  Remember, a wedding invitation isn't a summons - you don't have to attend, and in fact shouldn't attend if the cost is such that you'll be in a bad mood for the duration of the trip.  You don't owe an explanation for why you can't make it, either, but if this is a good friend (who you want to keep) it'll go a good long way to call and reiterate how excited you are for the wedding, how beautiful you're sure it will be, and that you regret it won't be possible for you to attend (but you look forward to planning a trip to see them later, or hearing all about the wedding).

I got married about a year ago, and while I don't have any negative feelings towards anyone who couldn't make it, it is undeniable that I feel warm fuzzy feelings towards everyone who DID attend, who showed their love and support by attending, and who is part of my memory of what was such a tremendous and joyful experience.  And there were some friends who I took some time in deciding whether to invite - old coworkers (who I now lived in a different city from) - the symbolism of my inviting them showed that I wanted them in my life, to be my friends in the future.  Not saying we wouldn't have stayed friends otherwise (I'm still friends with many people I didn't invite), but it was a pretty significant action on my part, which then lead to them seeking my out when visiting my new city.  So just saying that their attendance sent a strong signal that they wanted me in their life in the future, and that we were on the same page regarding that.

[mm1970]

Personally, I think destination weddings are obnoxious, so I would spend a little money on a gift and decline wasting my vacation time and squandering many hundreds of dollars.

Actually destination weddings are very mustachian....for the wedding couple.

I used to think so, until one of my engineers had a destination wedding that cost $40,000.

I don't think destination weddings are much worse for an attendee than an out-of-state wedding.  Pre-kid days, we attended 4 weddings (at least) of good friends (they were our wedding attendants).  They were all out of state: NM, NY, CO, PA.  They all required flights and hotels.

We were able to get together with our friends while there for dinners and hikes and such, because they made effort to arrange that.  Though one of the weddings, my friend (the husband) was busy with wedding stuff, so a bunch of us other guests got together.

Note that these flights were on the order of 3-6 hours from home, not 10+ hours (how far you travel matters), so the trips were 4 days max, which limited the cost of housing. 

I'd say we spent $600-$1000 per weekend, noting that the most recent one was around 2002 or so, so you'd need to factor that in.  Airfare was cheaper a decade ago.

[mm1970]

If the bride and grooms friends and relatives are all scattered around the country or the world, they had to pick a destination, any destination.  If you have to shell out money to get to a destination, isn't it better that it is in a preferred vacation spot rather than some random town 3 hours from an airport?

With weddings, you can't win.  Someone will always be upset w/ your choice.  My family is all in one spot and my husband's is scattered so we chose my hometown so half of our guests didn't have to travel.  Some of his guests were annoyed b/c my small town wasn't a preferred vacation place and not super convenient to the airport despite the fact that my in-laws had arranged transportation for everyone.  Some of them thought, gee, if we all have to travel anyway, why not (insert more fun locale?) Once they realized my family didn't have to travel they were more okay with it.

Same thinking for my husband's high school reunion.  He went to an American School in an overseas country.  The reunion was in Vegas.  Cheaper than bringing everyone back to foreign country, few of the students already lived in Vegas so almost everyone would share equally in travel and the flights and accommodations could be had on the cheap.

When we got married, husband was in CA and I was in DC.  His family is in NY and mine is in PA. 

We chose DC.
My mother was upset that I didn't get married at home, like everyone else.  You know, the full Catholic mass with a reception at the VFW hall.  She'd say "I know you want to get married where your friends live".
No mom, I want to get married where *I* live.  I don't want to plan a wedding 6 hour drive away.  I want to walk across the street to the hotel to taste the food.

Added benefit is that spouse has European relatives, and it was MUCH easier for them to travel when they could fly home out of DC, with a choice of airports!  My family's home is 2 hours from the nearest major airport.

[mm1970]

Only problem is i'll be separated from everyone to some extent except when they leave the hotel etc. I feel like it will be awkward coming and going. I guess this is where I think to myself "See, now this is why i'm a bit different..."

On a good TRIP, you don't spend much time in the hotel except for sleep, so I wouldn't let that particular concern bother you. You have $1300 left over to buy a round of drinks at the hotel bar if they happen to do something social indoors.

On an all inclusive trip though, often people stay and hang out at the hotel. The "trip" is sitting by the pool and enjoying drinks.

And he's got friends there, so bonus!  We went on a trip recently (not an all inclusive, but a timeshare hotel).  Great pool and water slide for the kids.

Our friends stopped by for a night, but stayed in a different place.  They hung out at the pool, bought drinks and food, without the price tag.

Note he said the lady was selling an "all inclusive trip" but it wasn't clear that it was an all inclusive resort.  May have just been flight/ hotel/ car.

[DeltaBond]

MissionPossible, I hope you come back to update how things pan out for you.  Granted, I have a pretty negative view of these types of expectations on friendships, I hope you can enlighten me to not be so negative in the future towards such an invitation.  There are some good points here, definitely one of a warning about even more costs being possible... seems more of the people encouraging you to go are the very people who's weddings were destination weddings, but not all.

Don't feel badly for spending money on your own vacation before this... that's not something you can fairly be judged over anyway.  Of course you're supposed to spend money on your own vacation, lol.

[Candace]

I second that -- to the OP, please come back and update us.

I only have three weeks a year of paid time off (other than federal holidays), including sick time. If anyone wanted me to use part of it to come to their wedding, more than maybe a day or two, I'd be pretty resentful. The time is even more of an issue for me than the money.

There's a big world out there and I only have so much time off of work. If I have the nerve to get sick enough to miss work, I have even less time to take for my own travel priorities, let alone letting someone else (other than my SO) have a big influence over how I spend this precious time. After I'm FIRE, taking time for a destination wedding will be less of an issue for me.

That being said, some people here have made some very good points in favor of just going with it and enjoying it. I'm curious to see how it turns out.

I have a pretty good friend who is engaged and was talking about a destination wedding as one alternative. I was cringing inside and tried to gently express myself in favor of staying local. Now, a year on, the couple is still together but the wedding is postponed. I have to confess I'm a little relieved. How awful is that? I'm ashamed of myself! My own feelings just point up to me that a couple should make these choices deliberately, realizing that they will never be able to make everyone happy.

[I'm a red panda]

Only problem is i'll be separated from everyone to some extent except when they leave the hotel etc. I feel like it will be awkward coming and going. I guess this is where I think to myself "See, now this is why i'm a bit different..."

On a good TRIP, you don't spend much time in the hotel except for sleep, so I wouldn't let that particular concern bother you. You have $1300 left over to buy a round of drinks at the hotel bar if they happen to do something social indoors.

On an all inclusive trip though, often people stay and hang out at the hotel. The "trip" is sitting by the pool and enjoying drinks.

And he's got friends there, so bonus!  We went on a trip recently (not an all inclusive, but a timeshare hotel).  Great pool and water slide for the kids.

Our friends stopped by for a night, but stayed in a different place.  They hung out at the pool, bought drinks and food, without the price tag.

Note he said the lady was selling an "all inclusive trip" but it wasn't clear that it was an all inclusive resort.  May have just been flight/ hotel/ car.

If it's not an all inclusive resort, then going and hanging out with his friends will be easy.  If it is an all inclusive resort, day passes often cost $100 or more to be able to go in an hang out with them, and they are often available only during certain hours, and in some cases are presold or not available if occupancy is high.

I'd be pretty pissed if I got sold an "all inclusive" trip that didn't include food and drinks.