Author Topic: For love or money?  (Read 13089 times)

sekritdino

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For love or money?
« on: December 08, 2014, 12:34:49 AM »
I have a dilemma that I need a bit of help figuring out.

Right now I work at a big fancy pants company making a fancy pants salary of around $125k per year including some stock from my hiring package that vests at 25% of the amount per year.

My fiance and I have been dating for 5 year and are ready to settle down. Unfortunately, the last 3 years of our relationship has been long distance because of me moving a few hours away to go back to school for the fancy pants career, then him finishing his PhD and getting a research position, and now in January he is going to start a new awesome job teaching on the opposite side of the country from where I am now.

Here is the dilemma: I'm going to move out there but I can't decide when.

I can quit my job in a few weeks and go out with him in January. I don't have a job yet in the new city but he makes enough for us to both live on, I have savings, and he said he is fine with supporting me for a few months if I want to learn some new job skills to get  job I like better than my current one.

On the other hand, if I stay where I am until April 17th I'll get this year's vested stock which is about $17,000 worth of stock (before taxes). That means the money I get between Jan 1 and April 17 will be about $50,000. That's a lot of money!

I'm just frustrated with my current job as the work isn't interesting and I am given few opportunities to work on what I like. I also really want to be living with my fiance again and the long distance relationship has been hard, especially the last few months.

So what do I do? Move in January for my mental health or stick it out until mid April for my financial health?

firelight

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2014, 12:36:54 AM »
If they fired you tomorrow, would you be relieved or sad? If you'd be relieved, just quit and go! If sad, stay till April, collect money and then go!

ShortInSeattle

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2014, 12:50:20 AM »
What does your fiance think you should do?

sekritdino

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2014, 12:52:37 AM »
Cutenila, I'd be relieved but the thought of missing out on an easy 17 grand is nagging at me.

ShortInSeattle, fiance says I should work a few weeks in January and I really hate it I should just move. Basically he is as wishy washy on it as I am but will support my decision either way.

marty998

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2014, 12:53:24 AM »
3 months for $50k? I'd stick around for that, but only you can answer how horrible your workplace is.

3 months is 13 work weeks or 65 days. If you can take leave, vacation, couple of days sick, couple of days on training/courses you could conceivably cut it down to 40-45 days of actual work. If you have public holidays in that part of the year then it's even better (Easter as well is 1st week of April)

When you think about it that way it's not really a long time in the office.

kyanamerinas

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2014, 01:28:32 AM »
I am not the most mustachian person on these board by any stretch of the imagination.
I definitely think sometimes spending more to earn more is worth it.
I have done long distance and it is particularly hard with no set end in sight. From my experience, seeing each other every other weekend was great, once a month or so harder but bearable and every 8 weeks was our limit for tolerable.
I don't know how far apart you are in terms of time and cost but I would stay for the extra money if you then manage to see each other a little more (for longer or more often or both) using holiday and the fact you are gaining a notable amount thanks to this. Also. Set that moving date in stone.

deborah

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2014, 01:30:30 AM »
SO and I lived apart for a total of 11 years during our working careers, and that is just a blip on the horizon compared with how long we have been together. We hated it. When I saw him off at the airport for 3 years in the US I thought I would never see him again. The eight years he was 8 hours travel away, he visited me every second weekend, and things were much better.

We didn't move back together sooner because it was difficult for me to get a job where he was, and he wanted to retire back to where I lived.

If we were making your decision, we would have stayed in different cities until April. If you do, I suggest that you earmark some of that $17k for travel expenses, as it is surely feasible to travel to see each other during that time. I think it is important that you both work out where you are going to live, rather than it being his decision only, and it is important for you to get a good idea of the new city, so I would suggest that you travel to see him.

Is it difficult for you to get a job in the city where he works? Another idea is to see if it is possible for you to telecommute and continue to work for your current employer.

midweststache

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2014, 05:50:19 AM »
Quote
3 months is 13 work weeks or 65 days. If you can take leave, vacation, couple of days sick, couple of days on training/courses you could conceivably cut it down to 40-45 days of actual work. If you have public holidays in that part of the year then it's even better (Easter as well is 1st week of April)

This. Make sure you're using those days, because once you leave you can never get them back. Personal days. Sick days (mental health days). Telecommuting (my partner telecommutes one day and its the best). Often times we feel guilty for using these benefits, but they're part of your contract so make sure you take advantage of them!

Guesl982374

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2014, 06:18:48 AM »
Stay and look for a job while going out there every other week (weekends, vacation time, sick time). Put your current job on "cruise control" while you wait out the golden handcuffs and quit the day of the payout.

FYI - My wife and I did long distance for 3+ years before we were married. Trust me when I say you can handle the 3.5 months.

EDSMedS

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2014, 07:42:38 AM »
Mustachianism is about capturing time, not money.  If your stash is comfortable, fuck making more money!

As a vet, DW and I have done our fair share of living apart.  It was worth it b/c it was early in our lives/careers so the time-value of money was huge.  If you have been making ~$125K/yr for >5yrs, you should have at least $300K saved that can grow.  You WILL make more money in your life.  You CAN'T make more time.

I say go yesterday.

Cococola

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #10 on: December 08, 2014, 09:19:26 AM »
You said if you stay til Arpil, you would make 50k, if you factor taxes, you will save more, but your travel can be costly. Like suggested, you could look for a job while keeping your current one.  You are in the cross road, that's why it's frustrating. Once you make the decision(either way), you will feel much better.

Best Luck!

The_path_less_taken

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #11 on: December 08, 2014, 10:04:42 AM »
If it were me I'd try and find out how much credit card churning could get you in free miles.

I'd then factor that into the 50k you'd be saving: I can't imagine it costing you that much to see each other EVERY weekend for 4 months. And you could Skype every day in the interim for face time.

Odds are that you could also be applying to jobs in the 4 months so you could save some money that way as well.

Best of luck.

MooseOutFront

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #12 on: December 08, 2014, 12:17:39 PM »
Sounds like a perfect timeline to find a new gig while getting paid handsomely for this one.  I would plan on staying until April for the vesting and if something great pans out before then be willing to roll out.

*caveat: I like money

JKLescher

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #13 on: December 08, 2014, 01:17:25 PM »
I would go sooner rather than later. Only an amount of money that would allow both myself and my husband to retire immediately would cause me to spend 3.5 months away from him. I am just that into him and I value his day-to-day company that highly.

Given the two options you're considering, move out there with him in January. That way the experience is new for both of you at the same. You get the adventure of exploring a new place together and developing new habits and routines together.

With earning power that puts you into six figure salaries, who cares about $17k + salary? As EDSMedS said, you can't make more time. It is a resource that you have an ever decreasing supply of and nobody knows how much they have ahead of time.

In the worst case scenario, if your fiance died tomorrow would it be worth $50k to have just one more day with together? How about over 100 days (which is what you're giving up)?
If you both live until you're over 100 and you look back are you really going to say "I wish I'd made that $50k a little sooner."
There are far less drastic cases than both of those, but in all of them my answer and therefore my advice would be the same.

Yes, that probably sounds like a very casual 'who cares' where $50k is concerned. When the trade off is time with your beloved, there is absolutely no contest.

socaso

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #14 on: December 08, 2014, 07:10:18 PM »
I am the type of person who can still remember with annoyance times that I spent money or missed out on money or made a bad financial decision. So my question for you is: are you this type of OCD? If not you will probably forget all about it within a couple of years but if you are anything like me you will never forget it. If it were my decision about my life I would stay. And I second the poster who suggested taking any vacation time you have coming to you and going out to see your fiancÚ.

deborah

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #15 on: December 08, 2014, 08:27:47 PM »
How much sooner will you FIRE with the extra money?

DecD

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #16 on: December 08, 2014, 08:52:27 PM »
I'd probably stick it out until April.

Long-distance relationships really stink.  I've done them before too, and my husband and I have chosen to avoid them at all costs in the future.  We spent about 4 months living several states apart at the start of our relationship and it wasn't fun.

Still, $50K is nothing to sneeze at.  April will be here before you know it. 

(On the other hand, he quit his job to move to where I was without a job lined up.  It took several months for him to find a job.  It was 100% worth it for us.  So I wouldn't judge you either way.  I'd still probably stick it out in your situation, though.)

frugaldrummer

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #17 on: December 08, 2014, 09:53:37 PM »
Well, let's look a little closer at your financial assumptions.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you could get a job for the same $125k salary in boyfriend's new city. Let's also assume that, whenever you move, it will take 3 months after you move to get that new job.(so the sooner you move, the sooner you get a new job).

Let's also assume that your living expenses will be less once you move in with boyfriend.

In this situation, you are NOT talking about an extra $50k by April. You are only talking about an extra $17k, minus the difference in living expenses between your current place and living with boyfriend.

So.....let's say you'll save $800 a month in living expenses once you move in with boyfriend. (This may or may not be true, depending on your current living sitch). if so, the benefit of staying there until April is only $17k minus $800/mo x 4mos = 17,000 - 3200= 13800.  Subtract a couple extra roundtrip airfares: 13800 - 1200= 12600.

Now, that's still nothing to sneeze at. If you're drowning in debt, it would seem smart to pick up the extra. But otherwise I'd say move now IF boyfriend wants you to. (If he's not anxious to start living with you then I would reconsider the whole idea of moving to be with him. )

sekritdino

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #18 on: December 09, 2014, 02:08:21 AM »
Thanks for all the input everyone! I'll try to address some of the questions

For vacation time, I get 3 weeks paid per year (so one week between now and the end of April) and one personal day. The only paid holiday I get is new year's day (I'm jealous of Aussies who get the whole week of Easter off paid!) The problem isn't the financial burden of travel (I have a ton of Southwest miles from travel and good credit card churning), but the lack of vacation time. When it takes 6 hours to fly across the US, not including travel time to the airport, security and waiting, layover in Chicago, and the actual times of the flights, you lose a whole day on either end to travel.

Neither fiance nor I have any debt, but we are far from FIRE. (My net worth is about $40k at the moment and I just paid off that much in student loans this past year.) The extra money would be a big boost to what we have at the moment, but in the long run in our careers our earnings will overshadow it by a lot. We're looking at about $250k per year combined income and we are both early in our careers.

Fiance definitely wants me to go out there, the question is just when. Also, it was our mutual decision to move to his city.

For living expenses, we'd save $1300/month in my rent costs alone, but the fee to break my lease early is almost two months rent.

deborah

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #19 on: December 09, 2014, 02:23:40 AM »
I'm jealous of Aussies who get the whole week of Easter off paid!
Only 2 days - Good Friday and Easter Monday. Occasionally Easter is near the end of April when we have the ANZAC day holiday (your memorial day I think) on 25th, so we might get three days.

sekritdino

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #20 on: December 09, 2014, 10:18:03 AM »
Oh that's interesting. I work with an Australian and he said they got the week off but maybe he meant a lot of people take the entire week off.

Future Lazy

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #21 on: December 09, 2014, 10:56:39 AM »
Just for perspective, it currently takes me twelve months to make $25,000 - and I don't get to keep all of it like a bonus, that's just my yearly income... So, uh, I would suck it up and stay the extra four months, especially if you've currently only got the 40k in net worth... The extra 50k makes your April 2015 net worth projection over 90k, which is a very healthy chunk of money in the right direction.

Even if it sucks, that 50k and four months of possible torture now means many, many extra months of FIRE in the future.

EDSMedS

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #22 on: December 09, 2014, 01:17:35 PM »
Just for perspective, it currently takes me twelve months to make $25,000 - and I don't get to keep all of it like a bonus, that's just my yearly income... So, uh, I would suck it up and stay the extra four months, especially if you've currently only got the 40k in net worth... The extra 50k makes your April 2015 net worth projection over 90k, which is a very healthy chunk of money in the right direction.

Even if it sucks, that 50k and four months of possible torture now means many, many extra months of FIRE in the future.

Now that we know your NW, I'm gonna pull a 180 and agree with Kayla.

A bigger question arises though: why is your NW only $40K if you make $125K/yr? You must be 1) young, 2) new to MMM, and/or 3) ripe for some face punches. Either way, doubling your NW in 4 months (if you can get expenses under control) is a big deal! You seem to be well practiced at long-distance love.  I'm sure we all look forward to hearing about your decision!

Pigeon

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #23 on: December 09, 2014, 01:25:29 PM »
For me, it would depend on what the new area would offer in terms of finding a new job.  You also mentioned taking time off to get new job skills.  Is that going back to school for years for a degree or something shorter?

I would be afraid that if I quit now and moved with him, it would be hard to find a new job.  This would be a bigger factor in my mind than the salary and stock I would be passing up.  If you find a new job, the salary component could be a wash anyway.  In my experience, it is much easier to find a job if you are currently employed than it is if you are unemployed.  So, I would tend to stick it out and start sending out resumes and networking to find something in the new location.

Bob W

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #24 on: December 09, 2014, 01:34:08 PM »
The correct answer is stay at least until June as a courtesy to your employer and to reap your benefits.

I think the mental health aspect is overrated.

If you like, book a flight for every Friday and Monday morning for around 8K between then and now.  Every weekend will be a honeymoon.   I guarantee it won't last like that forever.   


sekritdino

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #25 on: December 18, 2014, 11:35:24 PM »
I thought I should follow up and let everyone know my decision: I'm going the first week of January! I gave my two weeks notice yesterday.

Financially, staying may have been the better option but I am ready to go. Additionally, I already have a job interview lined up for the middle of next month at an even fancier pants company and I have leads on several others but I'm waiting until after the move to get things into motion on them.

Thanks for your help everyone! I did carefully consider everyone's input.

kyanamerinas

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #26 on: December 19, 2014, 02:50:21 AM »
congrats on making a decision and it sounds like you have some really good leads. pleased to hear it should all pan out well and enjoy ending the distance! good luck!

EDSMedS

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #27 on: December 19, 2014, 04:22:21 AM »
That should make the holidays both more exciting and more stressful, lol!

Congrats on your decision and best of luck on the move, the interviews, and the relationship!  Thanks for the update.

NICE!

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #28 on: December 19, 2014, 05:15:59 AM »
Apologies in advance because I'm in the military. You're getting a rant here. Sorry for being insensitive.

FACE PUNCH.

Are you serious? 4 months? What type of complainy-pants BS is this? 4 months is such a small portion of your life that it is laughable. It isn't like you're in a war zone or living in a hut in the developing world (unless you are, in which case, I apologize). Your life doesn't totally suck where you are, does it? And by totally suck I mean does the electricity work, is the water clean/available, and/or is someone shooting at you?

You can probably manage to visit once or twice, maybe even for free if you do the right CC offers.

Wow.

However, money isn't the only thing in life...So if you can manage it, I guess you can do it.

MooseOutFront

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #29 on: December 19, 2014, 06:21:35 AM »
Haha.  Love the facepunch to the follow up.  At least OP delivered.  No small thing.

sekritdino

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #30 on: December 19, 2014, 09:48:18 PM »
You might want to retract your facepunch when I get an offer for a new job. Because of the new location, I'm looking at about a 30% pay increase, not including bonuses. Additionally, I'll get a whole new starting bonus of cash and stock. Not getting that would be abnormal in my field.

lovesasa

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #31 on: December 19, 2014, 11:21:54 PM »
Out of self serving curiosity, what is your field? That salary is nothing to sneeze at...

NICE!

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #32 on: December 22, 2014, 10:13:03 AM »
You might want to retract your facepunch when I get an offer for a new job. Because of the new location, I'm looking at about a 30% pay increase, not including bonuses. Additionally, I'll get a whole new starting bonus of cash and stock. Not getting that would be abnormal in my field.

Apparently you're a consequentialist. I am not. I'm truly happy it all worked out for you, but that has nothing to do with the pre-game analysis. The New York Giants won Super Bowl XLII but you'd be hard-pressed to make a solid argument that any team was better than the Patriots that year.

I can't live without my SO for 4 months is an emotion that deserves to be checked by reality (oh there goes gravity) and I won't back down from calling it out. This is especially true because it wouldn't have actually been that long (you could've traveled).

LadyStache

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #33 on: December 22, 2014, 10:27:29 AM »
I can't live without my SO for 4 months is an emotion that deserves to be checked by reality (oh there goes gravity) and I won't back down from calling it out. This is especially true because it wouldn't have actually been that long (you could've traveled).

Actually, sekritdino has been in a long-distance relationship for 3 YEARS. That's a long time. I wouldn't have wanted to do an extra 4 months if I was in that position either.

mm1970

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #34 on: December 22, 2014, 11:00:08 AM »
Out of self serving curiosity, what is your field? That salary is nothing to sneeze at...
Ditto!

I can sympathize with the military guy (or gal).  I was living on the opposite coast from my fiance/husband for 2 years.  It was tough, wouldn't wish it on anyone.  But we survived.

Personally I would have waited till April.

NICE!

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #35 on: December 23, 2014, 01:18:53 AM »
Actually, sekritdino has been in a long-distance relationship for 3 YEARS. That's a long time. I wouldn't have wanted to do an extra 4 months if I was in that position either.

But you weren't in that position. You don't know how you adjust to things, which by the way you totally do, just like people adjust to having more/less luxury (hedonic treadmill). ESPECIALLY because in this day and age we have skype. We have air travel. We have cell phones. We have email.

My wife worked overseas 5000 miles away for 2 years and just took another gig 10000 miles away for 1 year.  My uncle and aunt lived apart (read literally on the other side of the globe) for the better part of 20 years with only a month or two per year together so he could earn his pension in his wealthy country. My best friend had a long distance relationship for 5 years of dating, 1 year of engagement, and 6 months of marriage. If anything, these relationships are now stronger due to such hardships.

EDSMedS

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #36 on: December 23, 2014, 04:32:52 AM »
Actually, sekritdino has been in a long-distance relationship for 3 YEARS. That's a long time. I wouldn't have wanted to do an extra 4 months if I was in that position either.

But you weren't in that position. You don't know how you adjust to things, which by the way you totally do, just like people adjust to having more/less luxury (hedonic treadmill). ESPECIALLY because in this day and age we have skype. We have air travel. We have cell phones. We have email.

My wife worked overseas 5000 miles away for 2 years and just took another gig 10000 miles away for 1 year.  My uncle and aunt lived apart (read literally on the other side of the globe) for the better part of 20 years with only a month or two per year together so he could earn his pension in his wealthy country. My best friend had a long distance relationship for 5 years of dating, 1 year of engagement, and 6 months of marriage. If anything, these relationships are now stronger due to such hardships.

Anecdotes... so I'll add a reverse anecdote.

My wife and I have done long-distance quite a bit in the last 6 years.  I was military, and post-mil our careers took us to different cities.  Most recently we lived apart from Sept 2013-Jun 2014.  We nearly stopped communicating - what (?!), but what about TECHNOLOGY?!?! - and we both harbored bitterness and suspected the other person had fallen out of love.  Our #1 "love language" is PHYSICAL.  We both read love from touch, and you just can't do that when you are living 2,000 miles apart and trying to accumulate wealth (plus, airports/planes are the worst!).

MMM is not a blog about wealth, it is a blog about life choices supporting health and well-being.  She made a choice to support her happiness and well-being; she didn't buy a fucking SUV while in debt!  She is still going to accumulate wealth and NOW she gets to do that while sleeping in the same bed with the person she loves.  I say HOORAH!

NICE!

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #37 on: December 24, 2014, 10:08:42 AM »
My wife and I have done long-distance quite a bit in the last 6 years.  I was military, and post-mil our careers took us to different cities.  Most recently we lived apart from Sept 2013-Jun 2014.  We nearly stopped communicating - what (?!), but what about TECHNOLOGY?!?! - and we both harbored bitterness and suspected the other person had fallen out of love.  Our #1 "love language" is PHYSICAL.  We both read love from touch, and you just can't do that when you are living 2,000 miles apart and trying to accumulate wealth (plus, airports/planes are the worst!).

MMM is not a blog about wealth, it is a blog about life choices supporting health and well-being.  She made a choice to support her happiness and well-being; she didn't buy a fucking SUV while in debt!  She is still going to accumulate wealth and NOW she gets to do that while sleeping in the same bed with the person she loves.  I say HOORAH!

I respect your opinion, especially since we're both coming from the same background (mil), but my words are the opposite - "somebody call the waaammbulance." I'm sure you can see the origin of my sentiments. I do get that your love language is physical, that isn't easy. Mine is acts of service (giving and receiving), which is easier to do from afar than physical love, but still difficult. But I'd still ask where the stoicism went, my brother (or sister) in arms?

There are a billion people making about a buck a day. Temporary discomfort, which is hardly discomfort at all in our developed country, is but a blip on the life radar. There are people dying of x disease or y war. We're not talking about the end of life here.

I do agree that this blog does not say that $ is the end-all-be-all, but it also does not say that avoiding momentary discomfort is the way to go, either.

People are also conveniently ignoring travel. It isn't as if you can't see your loved one at all.

sobezen

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #38 on: December 24, 2014, 10:57:13 AM »
sekritdino:  Congratulations on your decision to settle down and start a new adventure.  You are incredibly blessed to have a fancy pants job with incredible income and benefits!  Yes you will change to a new job and good luck with the search.  I think it's also great you can choose to stop working and your fiance is able and willing to support you for a few months too!  All around sheer awesomeness! 

Your concern about timing your move to join your fiance is valid.  Glad you both agreed on the early move.  Personally, I would've stay at your company until your stock vests to get the $50,000, while actively researching opportunities in the new city, re-tooling skills and taking care of personal housekeeping.  I feel anyway you slice and dice your options, you are going to come out on top and physically, emotionally and financially!  Good luck and let us know how things develop after your move.  Cheers!
« Last Edit: December 24, 2014, 11:39:54 AM by sobezen »

lackofstache

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Re: For love or money?
« Reply #39 on: December 24, 2014, 11:04:09 AM »
I agree with most; stay until vested & then hit the road. A few months is pretty short in the grand scheme of things considering how far ahead the $50K would put you.