The Money Mustache Community
Learning, Sharing, and Teaching => Ask a Mustachian => Topic started by: MyPlanBLife on June 29, 2017, 10:24:58 PM
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So...throughout my truly wonderful 28 yr marriage, I managed our money (my standard line was "he makes it, I invest it!") Well, I invested well, and tho' we live in one of Canada's most $$$ cities, and he made just $70, and me $35, I did it! Freedom 55! Kids grown & independent, and we can FIRE! ...and...he explains...sorry, we're done.
So...I'm now on my own - I enjoy my job, but after imagining being FIREd at this stage, I don't know that I want to keep working...but, I imagined FIREing with him - travelling, boating, skiing, rocking to PearlJam in NYC...etc
Any mustachians out there who've retired alone? How do you ensure you stay engaged and happy? I don't want to quit a challenging, fulfilling job, and then stare at 4 walls all day...
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MyPlanBLife, I am so sorry to hear this, it must be quite devastating at the moment.
If you still like your job, then I'd be inclined to stay there for a bit while you take some time to work out what you are going to do next. It's good to have a bit of a routine and social support.
There seems to be quite a few people on here who FIRE by themselves, so I expect you'll get some great advice shortly.
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Awww, thank you, Sapphire, but not to worry, I'm good. It's been 18 months. I was absolutely stunned and saddened, of course, but thanked him for 28 wonderful years, and extricated myself with kindness and compassion, (and half of everything) and the tiniest legal fees ever! So, I'm healthy, financially strong, grateful for a great marriage (now over), and ready for the next chapter. Just not sure how to do it alone!
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Oy :( What a gamechanger!
To answer your Q, I'm solo (and raising a kid 24/7), and FIREd.
My thoughts:
1. If your job is fulfilling and challenging, it might be worth keeping. I, too, find some careers super fun, and if I weren't caring for a child 24/7/365, I would likely have one still/again!
2. It can get odd and isolated/isolating, because a lot of young people with energy and excitement are...working!
3. Whether solo FIREing is a fit I think depends on one's temperament. An extreme introvert might love reading, playing music, gardening...and barely notice there's no one around. An extreme extrovert would likely run out into the world to play every day -sports, Meetups, shows, volunteer gigs, etc. Someone in between might do well to ask herself: How many hours do I prefer spending alone in a day/week and how many with people? Is it important to me to spend time with others my age? If so, how available is that demographic? How willing am I to step out into unfamiliar places and boldly introduce myself? Etc.
I like to spend about 3/4 of my time alone, and the other 1/4 in neat groups. I'm very willing to step out there, make groups, meet strangers, host, etc, so I find this very doable. I spend a lot of time with awesome seniors -when we have interests in common, I find the age difference a nonissue. I also have few "rules" about who I spend time with and where -different religions, various cultural events, etc. If people are kind, I'm game.
Some people join social, fitness, or travel groups specific to their gender, etc, and have a great time in facilitated get-togethers.
Do you have a sense of what you need, in terms of time and activity with people, focus, activity, etc?
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It sounds to me that you need to tip-toe into being a solo traveler and adventurer. You can begin by not looking at those 4 walls on weekends. Doing solo adventures to locally interesting places for the weekend will prime you for adventures further afield. Every place has really interesting stuff close by - you just have to find it (while you invested, was he the suggester? - you may need to get together your own suggestions). Many places have walking clubs and other activity based groups that you could join to have company while you are finding interesting stuff - so you can try it on your own, or in a group, and see what you prefer about each. Do things in steps. Weekends first, then longer - maybe even a sabbatical to see if it is for you - but after you've done the small steps, so you have confidence, and a feeling for what works for you as a solo. Close to home first, then further away, for the same reasons.
Both my partner and I are FIRE, but we rarely do things together - I go on trips by myself a lot. It can be daunting - one day my car broke down on a road that has only a couple of cars go along it in a week, with no phone reception, and houses 50 miles apart - but I had potentially put myself in that situation when I went to such a uninhabited area, so I had enough food and water for a couple of weeks with me, and I was fine.
When I drove an RV (a relocation from Seattle to Anchorage) last year, everyone was surprised when I stepped out ALONE. Universally they said "You're brave". That's thinking wrong - why weren't they brave too? And was I still "brave" catching the Alaskan Marine Ferry back down the coast and stopping at just about every port? If you enjoy doing the sorts of things you've said you enjoy, you just need to do them. I like mixing things around - a few days on a group tour, a few weeks by myself - but you need to find your own ideal mix. It's important to me to have people know where I am, and I do a blog post each day I'm away. If I don't post for a few days without notice (there are places without reception - but I know beforehand), I know someone will come looking for me.
Soon, I'm going to Iceland (in a camper) and Greenland (up the coast on the ferry). I am really looking forward to it.
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THANK YOU! These are brilliant posts, and I love the introvert/extrovert bit - I would also describe myself as very comfortable on my own, yet able to be with others too, so probably 70/30, which is probably a good mix.
As for the comment "(while you invested, was he the suggester? - you may need to get together your own suggestions)." nope, it was all me, and in fact I put my $$ into a condo for me, and bought a house in a nearby less expensive city for revenue (most of my friends and coworkers wanted me to get angry and bitter, but I kept laughing, saying "I'd rather spend my half on investments, than a legal fees" - which is, amazingly, exactly what I've done! I think I coped with all this because I've always had huge compassion for my parents, and the tragic childhoods they both somehow survived in WWII, and have always been so grateful for my very good life, so as hugely sad as this was for me, I also found compassion for him not appreciating the truly beautiful marriage we had.
So, I will soldier on alone, and I love your brilliant suggestions! Funny, I recently saw a woman at the wheel of a smaller RV, and I thought, could I do that? Now, I think I'll look into it next summer!
Life is waaay to short to live in the past, right? Thank you for your encouragement and support!
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Sorry, I meant - was he the suggester of where you would go to spend the investments - not of where you would invest! I thought that if he WAS, you may be adrift about where you personally really want to go and what you really want to do.
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Firstly, you've managed to have a happy and peaceful divorce, this must have taken nerves of steel and amazing interpersonal skills, and superior control of your emotions. Don't think this was a trivial undertaking, you are in the minority.
And I think these skills will help you enjoy your retirement either alone, or with new friends....all the activities you have suggested make great group outings, and can also be done alone. If solo travel feels too much, there are lots of group options to get you started....you can do a bit on your own, do a group tour, then another bit alone.
And yes, why on earth could you not drive an RV? You have a license yes, you are sorted. :) Female truckers will tell you it's all about spacial awareness, judging speed and pushing pedals, there is no advantage to being male whatsoever.
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I don't have any suggestions, but I just wanted to post my admiration and echo what others have said. Your positive attitude and level-headed decision making are inspirational!
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So glad you are going okay PlanB and congratulations for getting through your divorce as amicably as you did.
I think at the end of the day, life is about having meaning and purpose and this is true whether you are single or in a relationship. You know best of all what motivates and inspires you, so plan out what that looks like.
It sounds to me that you need to tip-toe into being a solo traveler and adventurer. You can begin by not looking at those 4 walls on weekends. Doing solo adventures to locally interesting places for the weekend will prime you for adventures further afield. Every place has really interesting stuff close by - you just have to find it (while you invested, was he the suggester? - you may need to get together your own suggestions). Many places have walking clubs and other activity based groups that you could join to have company while you are finding interesting stuff - so you can try it on your own, or in a group, and see what you prefer about each. Do things in steps. Weekends first, then longer - maybe even a sabbatical to see if it is for you - but after you've done the small steps, so you have confidence, and a feeling for what works for you as a solo. Close to home first, then further away, for the same reasons.
^^^ This is good advice. Start small and go from there.
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Thank you so much for all your wonderful posts! What a wonderful community of support this is! I will start small, and slowly spread my wings until I'm flying high and strong, all by myself! :-)
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Thank you so much for all your wonderful posts! What a wonderful community of support this is! I will start small, and slowly spread my wings until I'm flying high and strong, all by myself! :-)
Time to start your own journal. ;) I've really enjoyed writing about my trials and tribulations and the community provides you with some pretty amazing advice like above.
Good luck!
And if you do, let us know about it in your signature so we can support your path (and live vicariously, or whatever the case may be lol!).