Finding a lost identity, or reestablishing a new one

[elaine amj]

Super difficult situation and I really hope you figure a way to tell if the story is true or not. Its so hard to be on the sidelines though. And naturally your sister wants to trust her BF.

My stepfather had a really convoluted story that wound round in circles for years and to this day I am still suspicious. (They lived across the world so I had to handle everything via phone with a mother who got insanely defensive when I hinted at being careful). That said, they were happily married for 5 yrs until he passed away almost instantly from a sudden heart attack. My aunts and uncles (who are savvy people I trust) had amazing things to say at his funeral so maybe he was all legit.

He had no money (my mom paid for everything) but had a complicated out-of-a-movie-script story about how he was going to get a fortune "very soon". This required my mom give several thousands of dollars for various reasons for 5 years.  I kept trying to convince her that the rollercoaster was not worth it as they could live perfectly comfortably on her savings but rationale was that it was a "small investment for a big payoff". Even after he died she kept giving money to one of his friends.

She was right though - it ended up not being too giant a sum of money to be thrown away. However, she was so focused on giving the both of them an amazing life (big parties and vacations) and spending his future "fortune" to make up for his past troubles that she ran through quite a chunk of her retirement savings and was left with only just enough funds rather than the more luxurious surplus she had before.

All that said - even if he was a con man (some of his story was definitely true - I tracked down news stories, etc to confirm plus I met his family at the funeral), on reflection, I think the five very happy years he gave my mother was worth the money she spent. It's only money after all.

I really, really hope it works out well for your sister and your parents. He may just be a harmless con man who will be content with a comfortable, stable family life.

Sent from my VCE-AL00 using Tapatalk

[Joel]

Posting to follow. Good luck.

[slappy]

PTF.

[zygote]

What a tough situation.

I recommend doing a preliminary search with everything you know just to see if you can find anything concrete. You can sign up for free trials on ancestry.com and myheritage. Both sites have a huge database of public records. Depending on what state he was born in, you may be able to find the birth record or his parents' marriage license.

Good luck.

[frugalnacho]

What a tough situation.

I recommend doing a preliminary search with everything you know just to see if you can find anything concrete. You can sign up for free trials on ancestry.com and myheritage. Both sites have a huge database of public records. Depending on what state he was born in, you may be able to find the birth record or his parents' marriage license.

Good luck.

We've been down this path.  No one has been able to locate anything.  It's almost like he doesn't exist, and his parents didn't exist. 

If this situation was easily solvable by just google fu I think someone would have cracked the case by now.  I got all the information I could, and I can't find an online presence, or even any indication any of these people ever existed.  That's what seems so fishy, because even with the small amount of limited information that's been given you should easily be able to find all kinds of records to verify it, which would lead to much more specific info.  But it's a dead end right out of the gate.  No record of his birth, no record of his family's death, or even their existence.  No marriage licenses.  No property records. 

If this was his real name, and the names of his family, I would think you'd find SOMETHING to at least indicate they actually existed.  But nothing.  Which is making me thinking it's potentially fabricated.  If his name, and his family name, and the DOB, and circumstances around his family are all just fabricated, then of course any searches are going to lead to dead ends because none of it actually exists.  It's a wild goose chase. 

My sister stopped responding to me when I suggested she sign up for credit karma and check all the accounts in her name just to make sure everything is on the up and up.  I tried to frame it not like I think he is doing something...but it's a good idea overall to keep tabs on that stuff.  But no response since then.  I know she's getting communications though because we've been talking in the family group chat about our parents.  My mom is in the hospital after suffering a stroke, and my dad, who was already starting to lose his mind IMO, has been bonkers and I think this whole stroke event has pushed him a bit further over the edge, and a TON of family drama has ensued in the chaos.  I also questioned her about the 23andme results, but she obviously dropped the issue and isn't going to pursue it.

So I don't know if she's aware of his actual past and is in on the cover up, or if she's just in denial about it and refusing to pursue answers.   Neither of my parents are really approachable about the subject right now. 

The alarm bells are still going off inside my head, but I don't know how to approach it without cooperation from my family.  I like the guy, and he seems nice, and all of his actions seem to indicate he is genuine.  He's deep into the family and putting up with shit from them, and it doesn't seem to make any sense to me unless he was genuinely in love with my sister.  I can't figure out what the grift is if there is indeed a grift.  But also nothing about it is adding up to me and it's making me uneasy because I don't understand it. 

[ysette9]

In your shoes I’d have a conversation with a PI or two just to get a sense of what may be possible.

[former player]

The good explanation is that he is in love with your sister and sees a way for himself into a normal family life.

The bad explanation is that he is a paedophile who is grooming your sister and his family to give him access to your niece.

[Kris]

What a tough situation.

I recommend doing a preliminary search with everything you know just to see if you can find anything concrete. You can sign up for free trials on ancestry.com and myheritage. Both sites have a huge database of public records. Depending on what state he was born in, you may be able to find the birth record or his parents' marriage license.

Good luck.

We've been down this path.  No one has been able to locate anything.  It's almost like he doesn't exist, and his parents didn't exist. 

If this situation was easily solvable by just google fu I think someone would have cracked the case by now.  I got all the information I could, and I can't find an online presence, or even any indication any of these people ever existed.  That's what seems so fishy, because even with the small amount of limited information that's been given you should easily be able to find all kinds of records to verify it, which would lead to much more specific info.  But it's a dead end right out of the gate.  No record of his birth, no record of his family's death, or even their existence.  No marriage licenses.  No property records. 

If this was his real name, and the names of his family, I would think you'd find SOMETHING to at least indicate they actually existed.  But nothing.  Which is making me thinking it's potentially fabricated.  If his name, and his family name, and the DOB, and circumstances around his family are all just fabricated, then of course any searches are going to lead to dead ends because none of it actually exists.  It's a wild goose chase. 

My sister stopped responding to me when I suggested she sign up for credit karma and check all the accounts in her name just to make sure everything is on the up and up.  I tried to frame it not like I think he is doing something...but it's a good idea overall to keep tabs on that stuff.  But no response since then.  I know she's getting communications though because we've been talking in the family group chat about our parents.  My mom is in the hospital after suffering a stroke, and my dad, who was already starting to lose his mind IMO, has been bonkers and I think this whole stroke event has pushed him a bit further over the edge, and a TON of family drama has ensued in the chaos.  I also questioned her about the 23andme results, but she obviously dropped the issue and isn't going to pursue it.

So I don't know if she's aware of his actual past and is in on the cover up, or if she's just in denial about it and refusing to pursue answers.   Neither of my parents are really approachable about the subject right now. 

The alarm bells are still going off inside my head, but I don't know how to approach it without cooperation from my family.  I like the guy, and he seems nice, and all of his actions seem to indicate he is genuine.  He's deep into the family and putting up with shit from them, and it doesn't seem to make any sense to me unless he was genuinely in love with my sister.  I can't figure out what the grift is if there is indeed a grift.  But also nothing about it is adding up to me and it's making me uneasy because I don't understand it.

Honestly, at this point, if your sister is shutting you out and your parents don’t want to hear it, I think you’re gonna have to let it go. Nothing you say at this point will change their minds, and if they’re digging in their heels, anything more that you say will likely just make them dig in deeper.

I hate to say it, but I think you should give it up.

[iluvzbeach]

Because a minor child is involved, I don’t feel frugalnacho can just let this go. Adults have an obligation to protect the children in their lives and there are just too many suspicious circumstances in this situation to let it go. Does the child have a father in the picture? Does this father know that a man whose identity cannot be confirmed is spending time around his child?

@frugalnacho, how would you feel down the line if you found out this man abused your niece/nephew and you’d not pursued confirming he’s not a dangerous criminal?

I totally realize that there are many, many dangerous people out there whose identities can be confirmed (and yet we never have an inkling that something bad is going on), but there are so many alarm bells going off in this situation that you must press further to protect the safety of this child.

Please, please listen to your gut.

[marble_faun]

I like the guy, and he seems nice, and all of his actions seem to indicate he is genuine.  He's deep into the family and putting up with shit from them, and it doesn't seem to make any sense to me unless he was genuinely in love with my sister.  I can't figure out what the grift is if there is indeed a grift.  But also nothing about it is adding up to me and it's making me uneasy because I don't understand it.

Con-artist types can be VERY charismatic.  Something is not right here. 

[Sibley]

Everyone's focused on the child, but the elderly parents (one's in the hospital, the other is mentally fragile?) are also at risk. For financial abuse if nothing else. Is that angle covered?

Being extremely realistic and practical: Frugalnacho can't do anything. He has no legal rights or responsibilities over anything or anyone in this situation. He will only further isolate his sister by pushing at this. That won't help. Send her a message, telling her you're sorry you overstepped, you love her, and you want her to be happy. If this guy makes her happy and treats her well, that's a good thing. Then drop it.

By NOT alienating the sister, if the SHTF, there's a better chance that he'll be able to help then. He may able be able to keep an eye on the kid better. Remember, at this point, this mystery guy has been around for a while. If the sister's fallen for a con artist or something, embarrassment or challenging her may lead her to dig in. Don't make her dig in. There's no proof of ill intent or harm at this point, so the authorities don't care.

Make sure the elderly parents are protected. Then wait. If this guy is bad news, your sister is an adult and has the right to make poor decisions. Yes it sucks. But unless and until he does something bad, drop it.

[bacchi]

You can always give the guy a clean glass and then get a fingerprint lifted.

[charis]

You can always give the guy a clean glass and then get a fingerprint lifted.

There's no logical reason why the DNA thing is being dropped. So, it does seem like your sister knows more than she's letting on. Either way, mend bridges with them and befriend this guy, stay close to the your neice, and grab a DNA sample sometime if you are still worried.

[Metalcat]

You can always give the guy a clean glass and then get a fingerprint lifted.

There's no logical reason why the DNA thing is being dropped. So, it does seem like your sister knows more than she's letting on. Either way, mend bridges with them and befriend this guy, stay close to the your neice, and grab a DNA sample sometime if you are still worried.

Never underestimate the power of self deception and fear of conflict. I wouldn't assume the sister knows more than she is letting on, just that she has a strong motivation not to engage in active questioning.

People are capable of an extraordinary level of wilful blindness in relationships.

[elaine amj]

From your sister's point of view, being with someone involves a certain level of trust, right? She has chosen to love him and part of that means she has chosen to trust him. Constantly questioning all this could make her feel like she is NOT trusting him, something that damages the fabric of any relationship.

If only she can be gently persuaded that all this questioning is to HELP him and HELP their relationship so they can pursue their goal of getting married. (Sadly, if he is a con man, he will be doing everything he can to persuade her otherwise).

I would back off for now since things are tense and then continue to gently persuade  her that this is in his best interests and that she can help the man she loves by helping him find his identity. This might take time though. And I agree - the last thing you want is to be shut out and kept in the dark about everything. 

Most of us have had a "bad" friend our parents warned us about. Don't know about you but complaints from my mother simply heightened my defense of my friend since loyalty is important to me. She backed off and eventually other things happened and the friendship fizzled out. You don't want to trigger her defensiveness and loyalty to the man she loves.

Hmmm...maybe you can gently prod her by pointing out various ways helping him will also help her child? The stability of marriage? Any govt benefits? Triggering the mama bear protective instinct is the one thing that can trump defending her BF. BUT - I would not bring up molestation.  Of course she knows him inside out and of course that is an impossibility.  She will just tune you out as loony sibling who thinks awful things about her oh-so-wonderful, look-at-how-he-helps-us BF.

Sent from my VCE-AL00 using Tapatalk

[Jon Bon]

I would find a way to run a background/fingerprint/DNA test on this guy. He does not have to know, I assume there are ways. I bet PI could do this for you, or at least they can in the movies.....

I mean lets face it, they are NEVER getting married. To do that he would have to establish his identity. Which he cannot, because he does not want too because he has things to hide. Run that check ideally without his knowledge.  Them never being legally joined is an advantage as it makes things easier to unwind if/when it goes to pot.

Just a single antidote. I had some gross sexual abuse happen really close to home. It was traumatic even if we were not directly involved. That being said I had several close friends open up to me about how this exact same type thing happened in their own families. My point is this stuff is everywhere, people just covered it up for the good of the child. It happens all the damn time unfortunately. 

I would however stop actively trying to convince your sister for now. Gather evidence on your own. Guys who live on the streets or whatever for years eventually get fingerprinted by law enforcement right?

[deborah]

There are some pretty big holes in the Internet - and they include the time you’re talking about. History tends to be written 20 years or so later, so stuff that’s more than about 30 years old is on the internet. Stuff that’s happened since the internet was ubiquitous is also there. But stuff in the time in between isn’t. Even if his story’s true, it will still be difficult to find information because of that gap.

[wenchsenior]

You can always give the guy a clean glass and then get a fingerprint lifted.

That's what I'd do. Better safe than sorry.


This all seemed interesting (I actually know someone who faked their own death after some bad financial shenanigans, and he managed to avoid detection by the cops for about 5 years, and only got caught b/c he kept sneaking back to his hometown to observe his young son from a distance, so people can definitely live off-grid successfully for long periods if they are motivated enough), but mostly not actively scary until the mention of the young niece. Then all my alarm bells went off.

[Imma]

There are some pretty big holes in the Internet - and they include the time you’re talking about. History tends to be written 20 years or so later, so stuff that’s more than about 30 years old is on the internet. Stuff that’s happened since the internet was ubiquitous is also there. But stuff in the time in between isn’t. Even if his story’s true, it will still be difficult to find information because of that gap.

But it is possible to research old newspapers who would have reported this tragic accident at the time. And those archives are often available digitally, going back decades.

[Esquinkle]

I think you mentioned that he was able to get a false id at some point - he should use that to run an FBI fingerprint check (https://www.fbi.gov/services/cjis/identity-history-summary-checks). It's a bit sloppy, since it's not his "true" identity, but any results would be based on fingerprints and show any arrests nationwide. This advice, however, appears moot since it seems that he and your sister do not want to cooperate at this point. My guess is that he's hiding something in his background (criminal history, prior/current family) and not providing his real name. But, as many other eloquent posters have pointed out, whether it's mental illness/trauma or purposeful hiding, further alienating your family members in order to push this issue could backfire. Appear friendly, BE friendly, and keep an eye out. I'm also sorry to hear what is happening with your parents, which must be a very stressful situation.

[frugalnacho]

There are some pretty big holes in the Internet - and they include the time you’re talking about. History tends to be written 20 years or so later, so stuff that’s more than about 30 years old is on the internet. Stuff that’s happened since the internet was ubiquitous is also there. But stuff in the time in between isn’t. Even if his story’s true, it will still be difficult to find information because of that gap.

But it is possible to research old newspapers who would have reported this tragic accident at the time. And those archives are often available digitally, going back decades.

But are they digitized and searchable by keywords?  All I have is:

1. his full name (first middle last)
2. name of mom, dad, and brother (first name only - I assume same last name) and he's not sure about the spelling, and each name has multiple variations it can spelled
3. Approximate year of demise in an unspecified accident (I'm making an assumption of the year based on DOB and age he claims it happened), and
4. No idea where it happened

All of this information was relayed to me by my sisters.  Sister #2 (not the fiance) took him to a lawyer and already tried to get to the bottom of this, and was unable to get any more information than what I included above.  I haven't spoke to him directly about this, but I assume my questioning will come off as an interrogation, and is unlikely to unearth anything that sister #2 was not able to get.  I've been unable to find anything based on this information.

I wonder how it's possible to not know the spelling of your family's names.  Or where they lived before you were 10.  Or where they lived when they died. But maybe being only 10 years old, and getting sent away to live with your aunt, and then having them die, then having your aunt die, and not having any family or any place to go would really traumatize you.

I also don't understand why he would agree to go to the lawyer with sister #2 in the first place.  If this is all a ruse, why even agree to go? Just waste everyone's time and potentially send the lawyer on a wild goose chase?  If you're into an elaborate identity scheme this deep, why can't you just make up an excuse to not go visit a lawyer in search of the truth?

FYI my niece is a teenager.  We have regular contact with her.  We've been doing a "friday pizza night" where we pick her up and hang out on friday night.  Started out as pizza night where we would make home made pizza, but that got old week after week so it just turned into us hanging out with her, but still calling it "friday pizza night".   We started doing that like 10 years ago.  The last couple years as she's become a teenage it's become less and less, and we maybe only pick her up once every 6-8 weeks now.  She's getting her own friends and no longer wants to spend friday night with her aunt and uncle. 

[mozar]

I wonder how it's possible to not know the spelling of your family's names.

Even if you were able to suss out an explanation for every single behavior it wouldn't matter. What matters is if he is a danger to your family. If he was convicted of money laundering in another state you would want to know that right?

You'll likely never find a motive even if you were able to get his full background information. It's better to focus on finding out if he has a record than pondering his memory skills.

[Imma]

There are some pretty big holes in the Internet - and they include the time you’re talking about. History tends to be written 20 years or so later, so stuff that’s more than about 30 years old is on the internet. Stuff that’s happened since the internet was ubiquitous is also there. But stuff in the time in between isn’t. Even if his story’s true, it will still be difficult to find information because of that gap.

But it is possible to research old newspapers who would have reported this tragic accident at the time. And those archives are often available digitally, going back decades.

But are they digitized and searchable by keywords?  All I have is:

1. his full name (first middle last)
2. name of mom, dad, and brother (first name only - I assume same last name) and he's not sure about the spelling, and each name has multiple variations it can spelled
3. Approximate year of demise in an unspecified accident (I'm making an assumption of the year based on DOB and age he claims it happened), and
4. No idea where it happened

All of this information was relayed to me by my sisters.  Sister #2 (not the fiance) took him to a lawyer and already tried to get to the bottom of this, and was unable to get any more information than what I included above.  I haven't spoke to him directly about this, but I assume my questioning will come off as an interrogation, and is unlikely to unearth anything that sister #2 was not able to get.  I've been unable to find anything based on this information.

I wonder how it's possible to not know the spelling of your family's names.  Or where they lived before you were 10.  Or where they lived when they died. But maybe being only 10 years old, and getting sent away to live with your aunt, and then having them die, then having your aunt die, and not having any family or any place to go would really traumatize you.

I also don't understand why he would agree to go to the lawyer with sister #2 in the first place.  If this is all a ruse, why even agree to go? Just waste everyone's time and potentially send the lawyer on a wild goose chase?  If you're into an elaborate identity scheme this deep, why can't you just make up an excuse to not go visit a lawyer in search of the truth?

FYI my niece is a teenager.  We have regular contact with her.  We've been doing a "friday pizza night" where we pick her up and hang out on friday night.  Started out as pizza night where we would make home made pizza, but that got old week after week so it just turned into us hanging out with her, but still calling it "friday pizza night".   We started doing that like 10 years ago.  The last couple years as she's become a teenage it's become less and less, and we maybe only pick her up once every 6-8 weeks now.  She's getting her own friends and no longer wants to spend friday night with her aunt and uncle.

I'm not sure about American newspapers, but yes, in my country most are digitized and searchable. My impression is that it's the same in many places in the US. Plus, any court files should be public too. If you happen to be on Reddit you could maybe ask for tips at https://www.reddit.com/r/UnresolvedMysteries/ . These people manage to find tons of old sources.

Of course it would help very much if he could tell you where to look, it's very convenient that he can't. He must be able to at least know a general area. It seems not everyone here has very detailed recollections of the past like I do, so not knowing a street name might be possible, but it's impossible to not know if you grew up in Texas or New York, rural/urban, desert/mountains/woods, warm/cold etc.

Once you know the state, I think a car accident that killed a whole family would be easy to find. Actually, car accidents where both parents and one kid die and the other survives may well be so rare that you get a limited amount of hits in a newspaper archive, without even limiting to a state. Say the search period is 1989-1991. You'd only find a handful of hits for this particular scenario (assuming for a minute he's telling the truth, which I don't think he is since you've caught him in a lie already).

[Frankies Girl]

Like Imma pointed out - the fact that he can't say the STATE he grew up in and lived with his family before moving with the aunt is completely unbelievable.

And despite the fact that deaths in car accidents is sadly very common - a whole family dying in one (mom/dad/one child) and having a surviving child is one of those things that is going to have been noted in a database and made news in that town. And there will be police/hospital/child services people that would remember this event even 20 years later. If he remembered the state, it would actually be likely easy to find for a decent searcher.

And something else that really bothered me: why wasn't he with his family when they died in a car accident? Why was he sent to live with an aunt many states away when he was either 7 or 10 years old? Why is he so unsure of his address as a teenager as well - he lived with his aunt in Florida for at least 7 years if not more... what city in Florida?

And as I don't believe his story, I believe that the reason he went to the lawyer with the other family member is because he knew there's no chance anyone is going to find anything because he's given vague enough answers that no one is going to find anything, so he looks like he's trying... and is bluffing all the doubters in your family.  I doubt he had any family deaths, I doubt his whole story. I think it's way more likely he's running from a crime or child support or something else that means he needs to keep off grid.



If it was me, I would look into hiring a private investigator to do a background check. You don't have to have anyone's permission and I would tell the investigator at this point you just want to make sure this guy isn't hiding from the law or a scammer as he is living with your parents and sister and her teen daughter and you are concerned about the safety of your family. I would get a decent photo of him, the name his is currently using, and something with finger prints on it so they can run them for a criminal/background check. I would ask for the aunt's name/his address or at least city he lived in with her as they can do property records searches (trust me - property tax records are gonna be in a good database).

At the very least, you could lay out all the facts for a consult with an investigator and see what they think and what they'd charge.

[TheFrenchCat]

Does he say why he can't remember the places he lived?  Sorry if I missed it.  However, I've lost memories due to mental illness and medical procedures,  but I still remember every city where I lived.  That's not normally the kind of memory effected by trauma,in my experience.  And 17 is way too old not to remember due to age.  So I'd be very curious what explanation he has for that.

Overall, I think the advice of reaching out to your niece and not causing your sister to dig her heels in is good.  But I definitely wouldn't trust him.

[frugalnacho]

He wasn't with his family when they died, he was sent to live with his aunt before that.  I don't know the reason why he was sent off or for exactly how long he lived with with aunt before his family died. 

[elaine amj]

That's lively that you have built such a loving relationship with your niece and kept it up through the years. Keep on reaching out to her so that at the very least she knows she has a safe place to turn to.

I agree there are way too many holes in his story and a PI may be well worth it to protect your niece and your parents. So tough though -  it is one of those things that could deeply anger your sister and alienate her from you.

Sent from my VCE-AL00 using Tapatalk

[charis]

He wasn't with his family when they died, he was sent to live with his aunt before that.  I don't know the reason why he was sent off or for exactly how long he lived with with aunt before his family died.

This seems incredible and incredibly convenient.  He can't remember anything and anyone who could remember anything is dead. 

I agree with hiring a PI and/or getting a DNA sample tested on your own.

[yachi]

Is your family in Michigan?  It seems an unlikely state to chose over Florida for a transient person.  You can search Michigan Absconders by age, race and tattoos without needing a name: https://mdocweb.state.mi.us/otis2/otis2.aspx to make sure he didn't skip out on parole or probation.  You'll get 150 or so parole absconders, but 800 probation absconders.  You could narrow it down using one of his first, middle, or last name.  It looks quite common for people to use at last one real name for an alias.  Maybe try a similar search in Florida, but I would start with the state he currently lives in.

[iris lily]

In answer to OP’s question about newspapers being digitizeD anD indexed:

Generally speaking,  major city newspapers are  digitized. Some finding mechanism exists for them, sometimes in an electronic index, sometimes machine keyword access.

The digitization of newspapers started at the top with the big national newspapers and has worked its way down in size. There’s a pretty good chance that a family killed in a car accident would make it as a news article in the nearest city newspaper. But since the suspect doesn’t know the name of his town, you can’t know which city newspaper to look in can you?

But I don’t think that matters all that much.  I agree with the people who are saying to check his fingerprints and see what’s on record for him now as an adult.

I also want to know how old the niece is. OP, if you don’t want to give her  age, could you tell us if she under 10? Is she ages 10 to 15? Is she over age 15?

And sexual predators are not necessarily limited to one type of person. A sexual predator takes advantage of the weak and vulnerable,  and it might be taking advantage of the OP’s sister, the OP’s parents, the OP’s niece. All if them.

[Jon Bon]

And sexual predators are not necessarily limited to one type of person. A sexual predator takes advantage of the weak and vulnerable,  and it might be taking advantage of the OP’s sister, the OP’s parents, the OP’s niece. All if them.

I hope he is none of these, but you'd rather know than not. There are definitely signs.


http://dhss.alaska.gov/ocs/Pages/childrensjustice/reporting/know_sa_parent.aspx

[Bettersafe]

Just curious if there's any progress on finding his identity?

[Simpli-Fi]

reminds me of a story in Louisiana where a shady dude got involved with a SIL and a different girl went missing and an Internet forum broke the case...from sexual offender to abuse and finally convinced of two murders 10 years or more apart

https://www.tigerdroppings.com/rant/o-t-lounge/dateline-tonite-at-9--missing-mickeyshunick/71774497/

PTF

[Kwill]

I can't remember if someone mentioned it before, but what about a photo search? If the person is that closely involved with your family, you probably already have some digital photos. It might not turn anything up, but it could be interesting to do some web searches to see if a person with the same face and a different name turned up. Or maybe the same face and the same name and story as you already know.

Edit: here is another website with some suggestions: https://facedetection.com/online-reverse-image-search/

[Villanelle]

Is anyone else in your family suspicious?  Is there a way to get his DNA and perhaps submit it yourself (assuming it is legal to do that)?  And making sure you check the button to opt-in for police searches. 

I'd also consider hiring a PI if you can't bring yourself to walk away, but you have almost nothing to go on so it could get very expensive and/or futile. 

Best case, I think this person is a troll/catfisher type who just does it for amusement and the sense of superiority that comes from fooling people.  Medium case, he has a shady past--which could be varying levels of shady from victimless crimes to major felons and/or a family he's trying to escape.  Worst is that he's a predator.  But I see no scenario in which this is benign and legit.   

[frugalnacho]

No progress.

My sister is also suspicious, but she has 2 infants at home and is somewhat preoccupied.

My mom had a stroke and is not doing very great, even though she's back home now.  Still mostly paralyzed in her right side.  My dad is old and losing his mind, and none of us think he can do an adequate job caring for my mom.  My other sister (the one engage to the mystery man, also the one with a teenage daughter) is living with mom and dad and taking care of mom.  She seems disinterested in pursuing the truth.  The mystery man has been around and is helping.  He helped install a lot of necessary handles and handrails throughout the house and modifications in the shower and bathroom to accommodate my mom.  He also works as an independent contractor and has submitted plans for a wheelchair ramp to the city already, and is going to do the building of the ramp once the plans are approved. 

[Psychstache]

Is anyone else in your family suspicious?  Is there a way to get his DNA and perhaps submit it yourself (assuming it is legal to do that)?  And making sure you check the button to opt-in for police searches. 

I'd also consider hiring a PI if you can't bring yourself to walk away, but you have almost nothing to go on so it could get very expensive and/or futile. 

Best case, I think this person is a troll/catfisher type who just does it for amusement and the sense of superiority that comes from fooling people. Medium case, he has a shady past--which could be varying levels of shady from victimless crimes to major felons and/or a family he's trying to escape.  Worst is that he's a predator.  But I see no scenario in which this is benign and legit.

Actual best case is that his story is eseentially accurate and he is actually in love. Highly improbable, but certainly best case.

[frugalnacho]

Yeah I still don't know what the deal is.  My bullshit detector is still going off, but I don't know what I can do about it when the other people involved don't want to help the situation. 

Like I said in the original post, he seems genuine, like he genuinely wants to be with my sister and involved with my family, and there is seemingly nothing for him to gain.  He's hanging around and helping a lot around the house, and will be taking lead on building the wheelchair ramp my mother is going to need.  My father is supplying the $ for lumber, but mystery man is supplying all the other hardware and cement from his own pocket to complete the project. 

[Villanelle]

Is anyone else in your family suspicious?  Is there a way to get his DNA and perhaps submit it yourself (assuming it is legal to do that)?  And making sure you check the button to opt-in for police searches. 

I'd also consider hiring a PI if you can't bring yourself to walk away, but you have almost nothing to go on so it could get very expensive and/or futile. 

Best case, I think this person is a troll/catfisher type who just does it for amusement and the sense of superiority that comes from fooling people. Medium case, he has a shady past--which could be varying levels of shady from victimless crimes to major felons and/or a family he's trying to escape.  Worst is that he's a predator.  But I see no scenario in which this is benign and legit.

Actual best case is that his story is eseentially accurate and he is actually in love. Highly improbable, but certainly best case.

Actual best case is that he is not only in love, but he is also some sort of angelic being sent to aid this family in ways magical and divine.

I dismiss both out of the "actual" category, because I find them about equally probable. 

[the_fixer]

Something is not right.

I grew up moving every couple of months, bounced between living with different family members and friends, was homeless at times, lived in a home for abused woman / children and a commune and I can tell you SOMETHING about every single place that would easily identify the location enough to figure it out.

I have almost no documentation / mementos from growing up (only about 10 pictures) because we moved all of the time but I have been back to the towns I was in and have located where we lived by looking on maps for things I remember or driving to where I thought we lived.

My guess?

Hiding a criminal past, on the run or hiding something he does not want anyone to find out about?

Seems his story is unlikely, but I am sure there are a few people out there that are raised in odd situations but highly unlikely. It would literally have to be a cult, captive or crazy situation.

As other have said, homeless advocates, PI, DNA, finger prints ETC.

If you are worried about your family enough to warrant it a call to the police letting them know that you are concerned for a minor and elders that are living with someone with a fake identity and an unknown past might get some answers but would likely have a large impact on your relationship with that sister.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Gondolin]

But are they digitized and searchable by keywords?  All I have is:

They are on newspapers.com. It’s a huge digital database - I found dozens of mentions of my wife’s grandfather (born 1920) in local papers through the decades in about 3 seconds.

Of course, it won’t help if the names you’ve been given are fake.

Best of luck - this really sounds like a no win scenario.

 

[iris lily]

It is time that we have an update to this.

[Dicey]

It is time that we have an update to this.

Geez, could you at least ask @frugalnacho nicely?

[frugalnacho]

No updates.  As far as I know nothing was figured out, and they don't seem like they want my help. 

[RetiredAt63]

No updates.  As far as I know nothing was figured out, and they don't seem like they want my help.

If so far nothing has gone wrong, that is good news.  Let it go, keep in touch/good relations, just in case it all goes south at some point.

[iris lily]

It is time that we have an update to this.

Geez, could you at least ask @frugalnacho nicely?

you are reading a tone into my query that  isn’t there.

Thanks frugal nacho, glad things are quiet on that front.

[Dicey]

It is time that we have an update to this.

Geez, could you at least ask @frugalnacho nicely?

you are reading a tone into my query that  isn’t there.

Thanks frugal nacho, glad things are quiet on that front.

No tone reading at all. It was the actual words.

[frugalnacho]

I'm not offended by iris lily's bluntness. 

No progress.

My sister is also suspicious, but she has 2 infants at home and is somewhat preoccupied.

My mom had a stroke and is not doing very great, even though she's back home now.  Still mostly paralyzed in her right side.  My dad is old and losing his mind, and none of us think he can do an adequate job caring for my mom.  My other sister (the one engage to the mystery man, also the one with a teenage daughter) is living with mom and dad and taking care of mom.  She seems disinterested in pursuing the truth.  The mystery man has been around and is helping.  He helped install a lot of necessary handles and handrails throughout the house and modifications in the shower and bathroom to accommodate my mom.  He also works as an independent contractor and has submitted plans for a wheelchair ramp to the city already, and is going to do the building of the ramp once the plans are approved.

As for a more detailed update: The family member involved with this guy doesn't seem interested in my help, or me questioning anything, so I am just keeping the peace and not pushing the issue.  I am still suspicious, but not actively doing anything about it.  I only saw this guy a couple of times and only for a few minutes since this thread was last active, and the timing didn't seem right to launch into an interrogation.  I also saw him for a weekend in September when he and I constructed the wheelchair ramp for my mother, but we were working our asses off and it also didn't seem like the right time.   We cut down our visits to family greatly after that, and haven't visited them at all since October, so all our communication is over the phone or zoom. 

[mistymoney]

When I read this, I also thought, maybe he is concealing his identity because he's got some skeletons in his closet (child molestation charges?  murder?) so he doesn't want anyone to find out his real identity. 

Part of the story seems plausible but not the part where he doesn't remember where he lived.  As a little kid, maybe.  Not after about 7-8 though.

My immediate thoughts as well.

he could start with a dna test for one, easy, cheap, been around for a decade or more for the consumer....

[mistymoney]

First thing I would consider are fingerprints. It’s possible his fingerprints were taken as a child, and most (but not all) states forward their fingerprints to the FBI for their AFIS database. But then he could get in trouble for the fake ID, so maybe not.

Next option would be genetic genealogy. I think most companies offer lists of probable relatives, and you could also upload the profile to GEDmatch for an even wider search.  It would take some detective work, but they can detect relatives up to eighth cousins (whatever that means) and then you’d have to work through the family trees. Hopefully that would get you names and a birthdate

I think it is footprints they take of infants.

It's possible that if he was homeschooled his whole life (parents, then aunt too? Implausbile...but if) that it was a home birth/not recorded.