Author Topic: Financial differences in a relationship; when are they too much?  (Read 28910 times)

frompa

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Re: Financial differences in a relationship; when are they too much?
« Reply #50 on: October 22, 2012, 05:31:20 AM »
TapeMouse - While the advice you hear from others is likely to be of use to you, only you can know which way you ought to go.  It sounds like you have serious concerns, based on good reasons.  I would say the one thing to add to your decision making is the consideration that you only get one life, and although you may feel like you have time on your side, the years fly by with remarkable speed.  So listen to what everyone else says, and then really ask yourself what you ought to do -- in whatever ways you can do that most effectively. Maybe write yourself a long letter, putting everything into words; or invite over three of your best and closest friends for the express purpose of them listening to you as you say everything you can about this.  This isn't just about avoiding the hard parts -- you may have difficulties, whether you stay with him or break it off.  But such difficulties are endurable if you are as sure as you can be of the "rightness" of your decision.  So go deep, be honest with yourself, and you will reach a sound settling spot.  Good luck.

Ellen

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Re: Financial differences in a relationship; when are they too much?
« Reply #51 on: October 22, 2012, 06:37:15 AM »
I think the boyfriend sounds like a really good guy, to be honest: he helps friends out (sometimes to his detriment, yes, but there are far worse things to be); does what it takes to help his girlfriend pass a class she failed; and provides actual physical care to his bedridden mother to offer caregiving relief to his dad.

All of this said, I don't think he's a great fit for the OP: money abuse, pot use, not quite as driven/ambitious as she'd like her SO to be. She worries that she sounds like a controlling person, which she assures us is not the case. I believe her, but think that she will become the nag she doesn't want to be if the relationship continues. Two years is long enough to see if you're ready to make a relationship permanent. At the very least, OP should take a 6-month break and see how she feels then.

Done by Forty

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Re: Financial differences in a relationship; when are they too much?
« Reply #52 on: October 22, 2012, 09:56:52 AM »
Change is always possible, but it doesn't happen in a relationship without shared goals, plans, and commitment.  My advice is for the both of you to try your hardest to find a plan that will work, and don't give up until you've reached the point you've set as your boundary.  Then, if you still can't come together, move on. 

All the best.

Uncephalized

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Re: Financial differences in a relationship; when are they too much?
« Reply #53 on: October 23, 2012, 02:53:21 PM »
I'm surprised by the preponderance of zero-tolerance anti-weed people in this thread. I completely agree that OP's preference for a non-smoking boyfriend is a legitimate desire and that it's up to her personally whether it would be something she would consider leaving the relationship over, but come on guys, weed is just not that big a deal. A ton of people smoke it regularly, and plenty of heavy users (even daily smokers) are perfectly normal, well-adjusted, happy and productive members of society. The major downside of the stuff is that it's illegal, which has nothing to do with the drug per se and everything to do with bad drug policy.

OP, your boyfriend is not likely to actually quit smoking if it's something he likes doing. He's more likely to just start resenting you for trying to change him and forcing him into hiding it. FYI that's not because weed is an evil, super-addictive substance, it's because prohibitions and ultimatums are not characteristic of open, respectful communication and compromise in relationships.

Overall, though, it sounds like maybe you guys have some differences that are only going to become more and more obvious and important as time goes by, and you should give serious thought to ending the relationship and sparing both of you some future suffering.

AdrianM

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Re: Financial differences in a relationship; when are they too much?
« Reply #54 on: October 23, 2012, 09:35:50 PM »
OP, it sounds like to me you are searching for the justification to end it, but just don't want to be the one who calls it quits.

From what you tell me about your BF it seems that he is just not that into you.

So do yourself a favour, end it and chalk it up to experience.

AdrianM

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Re: Financial differences in a relationship; when are they too much?
« Reply #55 on: October 23, 2012, 09:37:47 PM »
I'm surprised by the preponderance of zero-tolerance anti-weed people in this thread. I completely agree that OP's preference for a non-smoking boyfriend is a legitimate desire and that it's up to her personally whether it would be something she would consider leaving the relationship over, but come on guys, weed is just not that big a deal. A ton of people smoke it regularly, and plenty of heavy users (even daily smokers) are perfectly normal, well-adjusted, happy and productive members of society. The major downside of the stuff is that it's illegal, which has nothing to do with the drug per se and everything to do with bad drug policy.

Seconded

thrifted

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Re: Financial differences in a relationship; when are they too much?
« Reply #56 on: October 23, 2012, 11:14:32 PM »
This is a really interesting thread.

You've done an amazing job and you've had amazing support. But you're not just a lucky person.  You've clearly laid out your ambitions and demonstrated your ability to see your financial plans through. You're smart and thoughtful. And you've been growing your mustache.

When are financial differences in a relationship too much? It depends.  I've been with my boyfriend for ages and we've always had differences about finances. But that's not a deal breaker for me.

I think it's important to figure out how mustachian you want to go. How soon do you want to be FI? Will it be important that both you and your partner save 50% or more? Because being FI requires a set of very very specific goals, values, and abilities.

I think smoking is an antimustachian habit. I think transferring to a 0% interest rate credit card is mustachian. Roommates - mustachian. Roommates that don't pay - not so mustachian. He just doesn't sound very driven for FI to me.

Change is always possible, but it doesn't happen in a relationship without shared goals, plans, and commitment.  My advice is for the both of you to try your hardest to find a plan that will work, and don't give up until you've reached the point you've set as your boundary.  Then, if you still can't come together, move on. 

All the best.

That is an excellent point!

Good luck!

Erica/NWEdible

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Re: Financial differences in a relationship; when are they too much?
« Reply #57 on: October 23, 2012, 11:44:53 PM »
Things that are very, very important after 10+ years of marriage:
-Honest communication.
-Being able to tackle really big things together, and pulling in the same direction towards goals.
-Being totally proud of the person your parter is.

Things that are way less important after 10+ years of marriage:
-Fantasy smack and tickle games.

Which is not to say the latter doesn't happen (actually, it gets better in my experience, if you don't resent the hell out of your partner by then because they blew all your money on pot) but the partnership evolves into how you walk through life together, not how you roll through sheets together.

You sound like a total catch. I think you should keep looking. But then, the smell of pot makes me want to puke so I might be biased that way. Good luck to you, whatever your decision. :)

CB

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Re: Financial differences in a relationship; when are they too much?
« Reply #58 on: October 24, 2012, 07:40:49 AM »
I'm surprised by the preponderance of zero-tolerance anti-weed people in this thread.

I think the responses would be similar if someone were spending 'stache money on legal drugs like cigarettes or alcohol; chain smoking and binge drinking are pretty un-mustachian, too.  It's not necessarily the illegality, it's the wasting of resources, particularly on something that can be bad for your health (though a joint a week is apparently not that bad for you.)