Author Topic: fight husband or settle  (Read 5909 times)


  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
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fight husband or settle
« on: December 30, 2014, 01:15:24 PM »
So I consider myself pretty smart when it comes to money but apparently not mates.  Second divorce and this time around more at stake.  We own 6 properties but two were mine premarital that I rent out.  I live in an equitable division state.  Trying to decide if it is worth the 400/he to fight with my attorney or just get out with mediation which costs me 50/hour but is not in my corner per say as they must maintain neutrality.  My husband has a home he had premarital and he had an option arm loan on it.  I used my home equity to pay off a second mortgage 40k.  I know stupid move but love is forever yeah yeah.  So I want nothing to do with this house and am willing to kiss that money good bye.  It is worth 150k and we owe 185k plus it is old and needs repairs.  Home we live in now I recently paid off second mortgage and best scenario is we sell for 30k less that what we bought it for.  I am thinking if I stay here it would be ok for awhile as long as I got said child support of 1100/month from husband plus another home we own that has cash flow of 400/no.  The home he wants to move in has 200/no cash flow so taking a hit a little there.  This home has 40k in equity.  The other home has 55k in equity.  So would I be selling myself short as and is it worth trying to trace assets so I can keep the home my husband wants t o move into?


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Re: fight husband or settle
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2015, 07:08:14 PM »
It is probably best to get legal advice on this one.  Not necessarily to "fight," but to determine what course of action to take.

(Keep in mind they have a financial incentive to have you do so, so take that into consideration when weighing their advice.)
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  • Pencil Stache
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Re: fight husband or settle
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2015, 07:41:48 PM »
(Keep in mind they have a financial incentive to have you do so, so take that into consideration when weighing their advice.)

I've heard it's often a good idea to "get a second opinion" on these matters from someone who doesn't have their own stake in the matter (i.e. consult with an attorney who is not going to be representing you.)


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Re: fight husband or settle
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2015, 02:28:05 PM »
I definitely agree with both above posters.  Be smart because you will have to live with your financial choices for a long time. Sometimes because it is so emotional you just want to get it over with but please look out for your own best interest.  Good luck!

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Re: fight husband or settle
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2015, 03:21:35 PM »
I struggled to understand exactly what you have, but I think -

Wife: 2 pre-marriage rentals, no further info
Husband: 1 pre-marriage house, worth $150,000 and needing repairs, subject to $185,000 option arm loan, wife paid off second mortgage of $40,000
Marital home owned jointly, subject to a mortgage (second mortgage paid off recently), worth $30,000 less than purchase price
Rental owned jointly, $55,000 equity, cash-flow $400 per month
Rental owned jointly, $40,000 equity, cash-flow $200 per month

You want to stay in the marital home and keep the first of the jointly owned rentals, husband wants to move into the second jointly owned rental.    You are happy for husband to keep his pre-marriage house, and presumably expect to keep your two pre-marriage rentals.  You want $1,100 per month child support.  You are asking whether you should fight to also keep the second jointly owned rental, as you think you may be able to trace other assets your husband owns and the existence of which you presumably think would justify you keeping that rental under the rules of an equitable division State.

I would just say that if you get into the need to trace assets you are into serious litigation, quite possibly lasting for years, and serious legal and accountancy costs.

The other point that sticks out to me here is that you have a child of the marriage.  It is in the best long-term interests of that child for it to maintain a relationship with both parents (unless one of those parents is abusive, of course) and for those parents to have an amicable relationship between themselves.  Personally, I would put the value of your child's healthy and happy relationship with two parents above getting into a fight to keep all three of your jointly owned properties.   My view on this is coloured by the fact that I heard yesterday that the son of a friend, with whom he lost touch after a bitter divorce, has just died of a drugs overdose aged 20.  The long-ago fight over money which poisoned the relationship between that child's parents and led to my friend not seeing his son for the last 8 years is looking like a pretty poor choice at the moment.

Bob W

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Re: fight husband or settle
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2015, 03:34:16 PM »
Mediation or you'll spend all your money on attorneys.  Best of luck.  Stay single in the future.


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Re: fight husband or settle
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2015, 04:10:15 PM »
I would suggest quietly having a meeting with an attorney to determine what would likely happen if the court determined the split.  That way you'll know in mediation what's a "fair" settlement and can better evaluate proposed settlements.

Be sure to include tax ramifications in your split.  If you aren't familiar with taxes then spend a bit of money on a CPA.  By that I mean knowing that 401ks and tIRAs are taxed differently than investment real estate which is also treated different than income property.   


  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
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Re: fight husband or settle
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2015, 02:00:50 PM »
Thank you for the advice.  I did consult with another attorney for free and he definitely gave me some good free advice.  I am continuing on with mediation.  I tend to agree the relationship and the kids are the most important thing here.  I actually have three children, my son who my current husband has helped raise from the time he was 18 months old and my two daughters with my current husband.  I am not getting the 1100/mo child support we agreed on $970 with a kids checking account to handle other expenses like school lunches, field trips, copays, clothing and the like.  I think this is better because if my kids decide to be in an expensive sport I won't be in a position to automatically say no as he has to pay 55% of the costs and I pay 44%.  I am getting the marital home and the rental that makes $400/mo in extra income.  All said and done I think I could continue to save a generous amount.  You can't do over your kids childhood so you have a valid point.  My kids staying in the home they have only known and going to the public school which they love is worth it.  I may have to look into selling my current home down the road and keep an eye out for a home to downsize to.  I also just found out about the clep program for college and will seriously consider having all three kids taking these tests once they are in 9th grade to offset costs and also do college in the schools which allows them to take the local community college classes right in the high school.  That way I won't feel like they are getting short changed on this.  Oh and in minnesota they only use the figure for contributions while married so we actually are only about $3000 difference at the moment.  The $50/hour for the mediator as opposed to $400/hour is money better spent.  Of course my attorney I will pay the big bucks to review and make sure it is "equitable".


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Re: fight husband or settle
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2015, 02:38:54 PM »
It took me 5 1/2 years to get my ex-husband to agree to mediation, actually go to mediation, and get a settlement.  It was easier in our case in that our child was older, and that the property involved was less.  The advantage of mediation is that the mediator truly is neutral, and so can point out when one party is being unrealistic or unreasonable without being seen to be partisan.  Odds are that in one session both of you will be getting that.  I have to admit, there were times when I was purposely "clueless" about something XDH was being consistently clueless about, so that the mediator would point it out to me and he got the message without being "picked on".  Your tactics may need to differ.

Having the second opinion so that you know what is reasonable is sensible.  One hopes your husband does the same thing, so that his expectations are not out of line.

Good luck. 


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Re: fight husband or settle
« Reply #9 on: January 11, 2015, 02:56:07 PM »
I would suggest consulting an attorney first, but not retaining one unless it turns into an epic battle. Mediation can be great, but both parties have to want it to work. With a child involved, this is most likely your best option, provided your ex-to-be is willing. Good luck!