How great is it that I can get get intelligent supportive advice from this community, thank you from the bottom of my heart! I can't tell you how helpful this is, both logistically and otherwise.
Ok, here's the cold hard facts:
1. Siblings and I met with lawyer 5 years ago to discuss possibility of situation. Lawyer said mom taking financial gamble and I was taking caregiving gamble. Both of us fine with it then and now. Mom said " it's my $ and I can do what I want with it". Spent 100k to build her little dream house exactly the way she wanted it, and says often that it was the best decision she ever made. Not really rentable due to codes, town laws etc.
2. When she moved in 3+ years ago, we agreed on $250/month for utilities, taxes etc. 2 years ago she decided to increase it to $500, which is a more accurate portion according to our records of monthly expenses. It's been that amount up until now.
3. Gets 2k monthly in SS, pension, annuities that I have access to and pay for her food and hygiene needs as well as 15 hours for HHA at $26/hour. It's expensive but with an agency so we are not open to liability which we would be with under the table care. She's been in and out of hospital so spending has been down which is good. She has a nest egg separate from this that may have to be cracked open at some point but that's where things could get even more yucky.
3. MIA sisters live 4 and 10 miles away. They spend significant time in warmer climes. One of them is the most vocal of how "unfair" things are and the least likely to visit. She left this week for 3+ months in the Caribbean. No I am not making this up. Have one brother that lives local that visits (his wife is my angel) and another brother down south that doesn't visit much but when he does he's a huge help.
4. I work full-time, husband retired in Last spring and does all of the am care. I do the rest and my sister and SIL each do 1 night a week. I had to let go of 2 side gigs due to increasing needs, so it's had a specific financial impact on us.
5. She is declining physically and cognitively and talks about being "ready to go". I am fine discussing that and other dementia-laced meaningful topics often. My goal is to make her laugh often and my best holiday 2014 memory is the adventurous hours spent writing cards and checks for children and grandchildren with her. My stomach hurt from laughing. That's what so sad, she is still the same awesome person and they have written her off.
6. Had a sibling meeting last spring where I felt like I had gotten run over by a truck. Not psyched to do that again, but will if I have to.
So, with the sage MMM community advice, I am thinking of:
1. Making another appt with moms lawyer, with whom I met after sibling meeting. He told me then that sibs have no claim to apt legally and time-wise she has gotten a good return on her 100k when other alternatives are compared such as assisted living or nursing home care.
2. Up until now the passive aggressive in me balled up and threw away the receipts for Depends etc because I can't wrap my mind around that. But....I guess I should keep them. How sad, IMO.
Any and all feedback is appreciated, I'm trying to see this from an angle that is more business like and less emotional.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!