Experiences with wealthy(ier) people being petty?

[jeromedawg]

Hi all,

Curious what your experiences are as far as the weatlhy(ier) people in your social circles and how they view relationships (specifically in terms of who they want to be friends with or associate with) - I live in Southern California (South OC to be exact) and in this area and surrounding areas, for the most part, there is a larger concentration of people with pretty high annual salaries and/or net worth. Maybe this isn't a new thing or maybe it's just a microcosm in my area, but it *seems* like those with higher socioeconomic standing tend to associate with each other while ignoring or leaving the lesser-income families out of the equation (kind of a country club mentality).
Anyway, I've gotten a sense of this from certain other parents at our kids' school (and even one of my friends). There's one couple in particular who, while they aren't necessarily snotty towards us, tend to ignore us whether at school or other events. My wife had talked to the dad before during volunteer events last school year but something changed after we went to a bday party they threw for their daughter - after that, the both of us would see them around at different events and either say "Hi" or make eye-contact, smile, etc but both of them just keep a straight-face and don't say a word or seem to acknowledge (maybe except for a nod). Even at a bday party of another friend of our daughters, both the husband and wife mostly ignored or disregarded us. They are both quite outspoken social butterflies who love being the center of attention in group settings and we see them chatting it up all the time with other people. Anyway, the party was relatively small and my wife was kind of sitting around in the "conversation circle" by the pool but was quiet (we both are but will engage if the opportunity is there). We talked to nearly everyone else except for them.  The only thing my wife can think of is that we gave their daughter a "low-value" birthday present (it was a puzzle set - we don't know them well and weren't going to randomly splurge on them) and so maybe they're super upset about it and think we're cheap and don't want to associate with us anymore? We were hesitant to go to the party in the first place because neither of us knew the parents (especially the wife) well at the time; we mostly went because our daughter said sometimes she plays with that girl at school (also, if it means meeting another family and possible future play dates, then sure why not?). At the party, we also had an old friend there who it turns out works with the wife so that helped break the ice (or so we thought) - the wife, especially, has a strong personality (very blunt - and my wife already has trouble relating with these kinds of people).

Have any of you had similar types of experiences where you brought a gift that maybe "wasn't good enough" and it resulted in the receiver not thinking fondly of you?  Not saying that this is what's going on, but we can't think of anything else... my wife is considering asking the husband if they are holding something against us if she sees him around and has the opportunity but for the most part, we're thinking it's best just to let them be them and we move on from thinking about it. I mean, maybe there's a factor of "they're extroverts and we're introverts" but it feels like it's more than that.

[GilesMM]

For whatever reason they don’t like you. Forget them and move on. You have done nothing wrong. People in SoCal can be very shallow and petty.

[charis]

There's an old adage that people are thinking about you way less than they think you are.  If it's a matter of people you don't know very well talking to you less than the little bit they used to, I wouldn't read anything into other than they already have a lot friends and gravitate toward couples who are more extroverted. 

If they are obviously treating you very differently, suddenly, it still may be unrelated to the value of your gift.  I'm a proponent of being up front, so I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that you noticed something "off" in your interactions recently and was wondering if they wanted to clear the air about anything.  However, I don't think it will help if they are just being snobby, it's not like they are going to tell you the gift was too cheap or anything like that.

[jeromedawg]

For whatever reason they don’t like you. Forget them and move on. You have done nothing wrong. People in SoCal can be very shallow and petty.

It's just awkward in those situations like small gatherings where there's crossover/overlap in mutual friends and there's obvious tension with that other couple. Like you want to hang out with the other kids/parents...just not them hahaha

There's an old adage that people are thinking about you way less than they think you are.  If it's a matter of people you don't know very well talking to you less than the little bit they used to, I wouldn't read anything into other than they already have a lot friends and gravitate toward couples who are more extroverted. 

If they are obviously treating you very differently, suddenly, it still may be unrelated to the value of your gift.  I'm a proponent of being up front, so I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that you noticed something "off" in your interactions recently and was wondering if they wanted to clear the air about anything.  However, I don't think it will help if they are just being snobby, it's not like they are going to tell you the gift was too cheap or anything like that.

Not just more extroverted but also wealthier ;) I'm *guessing* it's a blend of both those things and the gift merely was a way for them to confirm who they want to associate with and who they don't. Just by observing the way they talk and relate to other people as well as to their kids, they are not people that we would want to be friends (or at least close friends) with anyway.  Very braggadocios and full of pride... Friendship/close friendship aside, the tension in the air around them is something that's more uncomfortable. You don't have to be friends to have the common decency to say "Hi" back to someone when they greet you versus looking way/the other direction and ignoring the person outright. But maybe they are just rude and brash people in general who don't think greeting or responding is important or decent.

[charis]

For whatever reason they don’t like you. Forget them and move on. You have done nothing wrong. People in SoCal can be very shallow and petty.

It's just awkward in those situations like small gatherings where there's crossover/overlap in mutual friends and there's obvious tension with that other couple. Like you want to hang out with the other kids/parents...just not them hahaha

There's an old adage that people are thinking about you way less than they think you are.  If it's a matter of people you don't know very well talking to you less than the little bit they used to, I wouldn't read anything into other than they already have a lot friends and gravitate toward couples who are more extroverted. 

If they are obviously treating you very differently, suddenly, it still may be unrelated to the value of your gift.  I'm a proponent of being up front, so I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that you noticed something "off" in your interactions recently and was wondering if they wanted to clear the air about anything.  However, I don't think it will help if they are just being snobby, it's not like they are going to tell you the gift was too cheap or anything like that.

Not just more extroverted but also wealthier ;) I'm *guessing* it's a blend of both those things and the gift merely was a way for them to confirm who they want to associate with and who they don't. Just by observing the way they talk and relate to other people as well as to their kids, they are not people that we would want to be friends (or at least close friends) with anyway.  Very braggadocios and full of pride... Friendship/close friendship aside, the tension in the air around them is something that's more uncomfortable. You don't have to be friends to have the common decency to say "Hi" back to someone when they greet you versus looking way/the other direction and ignoring the person outright. But maybe they are just rude and brash people in general who don't think greeting or responding is important or decent.

But you don't like them either.  Isn't it possible that they could sense this and/or that you are not a good fit as friends?  I wouldn't assume they are looking down on your wealth status, it's much more likely that they don't like you for a different reason.  Sorry to be harsh, but you created a post to basically talk cr*p about them.

[ChpBstrd]

@jeromedawg could there be a flipside where you are interested in them because they are wealthy? I.e. if some of the less wealthy parents came across as dismissive, would you care as much?

The experience of being wealthy appears to be about other people constantly trying to kiss ass or worm their way into obtaining your money. Contractors, wealth managers, charities, mechanics, employees, and salespeople of all types are constantly hitting you up. Wealthy people probably do respond to certain stimuli with a less-welcoming demeanor, if for no other reason than to head off these awkward encounters. They probably open up to people who they decide aren't necessarily trying to build a client relationship - and that's other rich people.

[jeromedawg]

@jeromedawg could there be a flipside where you are interested in them because they are wealthy? I.e. if some of the less wealthy parents came across as dismissive, would you care as much?

The experience of being wealthy appears to be about other people constantly trying to kiss ass or worm their way into obtaining your money. Contractors, wealth managers, charities, mechanics, employees, and salespeople of all types are constantly hitting you up. Wealthy people probably do respond to certain stimuli with a less-welcoming demeanor, if for no other reason than to head off these awkward encounters. They probably open up to people who they decide aren't necessarily trying to build a client relationship - and that's other rich people.

Good question - Definitely wouldn't be interested in them for their wealth. There are other parents who my wife has expressed concern over because it can feel like they're ignoring her too and they aren't "wealthy" - this just feels different though for some reason (like we're being looked down upon for whatever reason). I understand the dilemma of wealthier people having friends who are less wealthy and the possibility that the friend of lesser wealth may just be trying to take advantage of the "benefits" of having a wealthier friend. I had to navigate this myself when my friend, who used to own a boat, would take me out fishing. At first he said don't worry about paying for short trips; then it became him asking for money to cover costs, etc. We never went out all that much together to begin with but it got a little awkward: there was never clear amount of money defined - sometimes it would feel like I was giving too little but he never would just outright say if it was enough or not, even if I asked him how much I owed him. At some point between that and dealing with a hand injury, I just couldn't go out with him as much. He ended up selling the boat later on. I think originally we were thinking maybe we'd get really into it and possibly find clients where we could do guided trips but it never came to fruition with our busy schedules and little time to go out (and it's a lot of hard work). I don't think he ever felt taken advantage of but I think we both realized how much work it was to upkeep his boat (and he was very particular about keeping it in pristine condition) - not just money-wise but time-wise with helping him clean it up after trips or sometimes checking things on it between trips. All that to say: I was his friend before he got really wealthy (to the point of being able to afford a nice boat at least) - from my perspective, his wealth doesn't change the way I view him as a friend (e.g. I don't try to hang out with him any more than I did before because he has something I need or want - I was never close friends with him to begin with). But I would say that wealth has changed his view of our friendship a bit (e.g. he would rather hang out and associate with other friends who have money). So I do think a big factor in terms of friendships, specifically, is socioeconomic status.

For whatever reason they don’t like you. Forget them and move on. You have done nothing wrong. People in SoCal can be very shallow and petty.

It's just awkward in those situations like small gatherings where there's crossover/overlap in mutual friends and there's obvious tension with that other couple. Like you want to hang out with the other kids/parents...just not them hahaha

There's an old adage that people are thinking about you way less than they think you are.  If it's a matter of people you don't know very well talking to you less than the little bit they used to, I wouldn't read anything into other than they already have a lot friends and gravitate toward couples who are more extroverted. 

If they are obviously treating you very differently, suddenly, it still may be unrelated to the value of your gift.  I'm a proponent of being up front, so I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that you noticed something "off" in your interactions recently and was wondering if they wanted to clear the air about anything.  However, I don't think it will help if they are just being snobby, it's not like they are going to tell you the gift was too cheap or anything like that.

Not just more extroverted but also wealthier ;) I'm *guessing* it's a blend of both those things and the gift merely was a way for them to confirm who they want to associate with and who they don't. Just by observing the way they talk and relate to other people as well as to their kids, they are not people that we would want to be friends (or at least close friends) with anyway.  Very braggadocios and full of pride... Friendship/close friendship aside, the tension in the air around them is something that's more uncomfortable. You don't have to be friends to have the common decency to say "Hi" back to someone when they greet you versus looking way/the other direction and ignoring the person outright. But maybe they are just rude and brash people in general who don't think greeting or responding is important or decent.

But you don't like them either.  Isn't it possible that they could sense this and/or that you are not a good fit as friends?  I wouldn't assume they are looking down on your wealth status, it's much more likely that they don't like you for a different reason.  Sorry to be harsh, but you created a post to basically talk cr*p about them.

You wouldn't like someone either if you greeted them (on multiple occasions) first and they ignored you or brushed you off (every time), would you? And hearing them overtalk about themselves (and talk poorly to their children) in a public setting definitely wouldn't help either. That aside, whether they "sense"  if we would be friends or not has no bearing on a person's capability to have common decency. I guess my original question should have been more centered around *that* than anything pertaining to friendships. 

[mistymoney]

For whatever reason they don’t like you. Forget them and move on. You have done nothing wrong. People in SoCal can be very shallow and petty.

It's just awkward in those situations like small gatherings where there's crossover/overlap in mutual friends and there's obvious tension with that other couple. Like you want to hang out with the other kids/parents...just not them hahaha

There's an old adage that people are thinking about you way less than they think you are.  If it's a matter of people you don't know very well talking to you less than the little bit they used to, I wouldn't read anything into other than they already have a lot friends and gravitate toward couples who are more extroverted. 

If they are obviously treating you very differently, suddenly, it still may be unrelated to the value of your gift.  I'm a proponent of being up front, so I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that you noticed something "off" in your interactions recently and was wondering if they wanted to clear the air about anything.  However, I don't think it will help if they are just being snobby, it's not like they are going to tell you the gift was too cheap or anything like that.

Not just more extroverted but also wealthier ;) I'm *guessing* it's a blend of both those things and the gift merely was a way for them to confirm who they want to associate with and who they don't. Just by observing the way they talk and relate to other people as well as to their kids, they are not people that we would want to be friends (or at least close friends) with anyway.  Very braggadocios and full of pride... Friendship/close friendship aside, the tension in the air around them is something that's more uncomfortable. You don't have to be friends to have the common decency to say "Hi" back to someone when they greet you versus looking way/the other direction and ignoring the person outright. But maybe they are just rude and brash people in general who don't think greeting or responding is important or decent.

But you don't like them either.  Isn't it possible that they could sense this and/or that you are not a good fit as friends?  I wouldn't assume they are looking down on your wealth status, it's much more likely that they don't like you for a different reason.  Sorry to be harsh, but you created a post to basically talk cr*p about them.

yeah - I'm wondering why you are reaching to an economic explanation when there appears to be mutual antipathy.

[FINate]

I don't think pettiness is specific to the wealthy.

Those with less wealth often feel uncomfortable/judged/looked down upon around those with more. It's possible that you're projecting your own insecurities onto this other family.

While statistically speaking wealthy folks are likely to have lower empathy, I don't think that's what's happening here. Wealthy folks are often guarded, trying to avoid social climbers that seek to use them for their wealth and connections, so this could be a factor.

Classism is alive in well in the US, and it cuts both ways. By default people tend to self sort into their own socioeconomic and cultural groups.

I've had people very obviously ghost me because I was too liberal, whereas other have broken off connection because I'm a Christian. Life is short, you can't control how others treat you, there's not much to do except move on.

[Villanelle]

So people you don't like and think are snobs don't like you, and you assume it's because you got their kid a mediocre gift?  This post reads more to me like you are insecure about your income and economic status.  And since you say there are other people your wife has had similar situations with and they aren't wealthy, I find it somewhat interesting that in this case, you assume it's the money, when clearly it isn't in those cases.  Why is it that with those other people, it's something else, but with the rich people, you assume it's money? Maybe you guys give off an aloof vibe.  Maybe your introversion comes off as aloof or disinterested--or it does to at least some people. 


You said you talked to nearly everyone but them at the party.  Maybe they found that off-putting.  Or maybe not off-putting, but enough to make them say, "okay, the Dawgs aren't really our people", so they moved on.  Or maybe they sense that you think they are braggy and shallow and prideful.  People usually pick up on that kind of thing pretty easily, in which case of course they aren't going to be your BFFs in the school parking lot.  You think they are assholes, and you are upset that they avoid you?  They probably can tell you think they are assholes, so they avoid you.  And that's fine.  Not everyone is a good fit for everyone else.  And that has nothing to do with money.

I'm from SoCal (OC) though it's been a while since I moved away.  But I find the people there to be no more or less "petty" or unwilling to mix with the un-riched masses than anywhere else. 

[jeromedawg]

For whatever reason they don’t like you. Forget them and move on. You have done nothing wrong. People in SoCal can be very shallow and petty.

It's just awkward in those situations like small gatherings where there's crossover/overlap in mutual friends and there's obvious tension with that other couple. Like you want to hang out with the other kids/parents...just not them hahaha

There's an old adage that people are thinking about you way less than they think you are.  If it's a matter of people you don't know very well talking to you less than the little bit they used to, I wouldn't read anything into other than they already have a lot friends and gravitate toward couples who are more extroverted. 

If they are obviously treating you very differently, suddenly, it still may be unrelated to the value of your gift.  I'm a proponent of being up front, so I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that you noticed something "off" in your interactions recently and was wondering if they wanted to clear the air about anything.  However, I don't think it will help if they are just being snobby, it's not like they are going to tell you the gift was too cheap or anything like that.

Not just more extroverted but also wealthier ;) I'm *guessing* it's a blend of both those things and the gift merely was a way for them to confirm who they want to associate with and who they don't. Just by observing the way they talk and relate to other people as well as to their kids, they are not people that we would want to be friends (or at least close friends) with anyway.  Very braggadocios and full of pride... Friendship/close friendship aside, the tension in the air around them is something that's more uncomfortable. You don't have to be friends to have the common decency to say "Hi" back to someone when they greet you versus looking way/the other direction and ignoring the person outright. But maybe they are just rude and brash people in general who don't think greeting or responding is important or decent.

But you don't like them either.  Isn't it possible that they could sense this and/or that you are not a good fit as friends?  I wouldn't assume they are looking down on your wealth status, it's much more likely that they don't like you for a different reason.  Sorry to be harsh, but you created a post to basically talk cr*p about them.

yeah - I'm wondering why you are reaching to an economic explanation when there appears to be mutual antipathy.

The way you frame it here might be right in that regard then - I guess I was just trying to rule it out. So the bigger question, which I actually asked my wife a while before these responses, was "if they weren't wealthy do you think you would ever want to be friends with or associated with them?" and she said no.

As a side note: even if it may not be the case here, necessarily, I would say it's *possible* that wealth and economic status still can play a very big factor in all this stuff (whether it's being friends or simply saying "Hi" back when someone greets you)

[jeromedawg]

I don't think pettiness is specific to the wealthy.

Those with less wealth often feel uncomfortable/judged/looked down upon around those with more. It's possible that you're projecting your own insecurities onto this other family.

While statistically speaking wealthy folks are likely to have lower empathy, I don't think that's what's happening here. Wealthy folks are often guarded, trying to avoid social climbers that seek to use them for their wealth and connections, so this could be a factor.

Classism is alive in well in the US, and it cuts both ways. By default people tend to self sort into their own socioeconomic and cultural groups.

I've had people very obviously ghost me because I was too liberal, whereas other have broken off connection because I'm a Christian. Life is short, you can't control how others treat you, there's not much to do except move on.

So people you don't like and think are snobs don't like you, and you assume it's because you got their kid a mediocre gift?  This post reads more to me like you are insecure about your income and economic status.  And since you say there are other people your wife has had similar situations with and they aren't wealthy, I find it somewhat interesting that in this case, you assume it's the money, when clearly it isn't in those cases.  Why is it that with those other people, it's something else, but with the rich people, you assume it's money? Maybe you guys give off an aloof vibe.  Maybe your introversion comes off as aloof or disinterested--or it does to at least some people. 


You said you talked to nearly everyone but them at the party.  Maybe they found that off-putting.  Or maybe not off-putting, but enough to make them say, "okay, the Dawgs aren't really our people", so they moved on.  Or maybe they sense that you think they are braggy and shallow and prideful.  People usually pick up on that kind of thing pretty easily, in which case of course they aren't going to be your BFFs in the school parking lot.  You think they are assholes, and you are upset that they avoid you?  They probably can tell you think they are assholes, so they avoid you.  And that's fine.  Not everyone is a good fit for everyone else.  And that has nothing to do with money.

I'm from SoCal (OC) though it's been a while since I moved away.  But I find the people there to be no more or less "petty" or unwilling to mix with the un-riched masses than anywhere else. 

Good breakdowns here - it might very well be that we're projecting insecurities onto them. My wife told me she has struggled with this kind of thing growing up (because she grew up poor). I didn't have the same experience growing up in those circumstances but maybe her insecurities are also influencing me. For some reason, this whole situation has been bothering her a lot (and it now bothers me because I've experienced it first hand with this couple as well). I guess I'll tell my wife to stop trying to say "Hi" to them from now on and just ignore them or whatever. And if there are any future gatherings, either don't go or suck it up and see what happens if we attempt small-talking them LOL

[charis]

For whatever reason they don’t like you. Forget them and move on. You have done nothing wrong. People in SoCal can be very shallow and petty.

It's just awkward in those situations like small gatherings where there's crossover/overlap in mutual friends and there's obvious tension with that other couple. Like you want to hang out with the other kids/parents...just not them hahaha

There's an old adage that people are thinking about you way less than they think you are.  If it's a matter of people you don't know very well talking to you less than the little bit they used to, I wouldn't read anything into other than they already have a lot friends and gravitate toward couples who are more extroverted. 

If they are obviously treating you very differently, suddenly, it still may be unrelated to the value of your gift.  I'm a proponent of being up front, so I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that you noticed something "off" in your interactions recently and was wondering if they wanted to clear the air about anything.  However, I don't think it will help if they are just being snobby, it's not like they are going to tell you the gift was too cheap or anything like that.

Not just more extroverted but also wealthier ;) I'm *guessing* it's a blend of both those things and the gift merely was a way for them to confirm who they want to associate with and who they don't. Just by observing the way they talk and relate to other people as well as to their kids, they are not people that we would want to be friends (or at least close friends) with anyway.  Very braggadocios and full of pride... Friendship/close friendship aside, the tension in the air around them is something that's more uncomfortable. You don't have to be friends to have the common decency to say "Hi" back to someone when they greet you versus looking way/the other direction and ignoring the person outright. But maybe they are just rude and brash people in general who don't think greeting or responding is important or decent.

But you don't like them either.  Isn't it possible that they could sense this and/or that you are not a good fit as friends?  I wouldn't assume they are looking down on your wealth status, it's much more likely that they don't like you for a different reason.  Sorry to be harsh, but you created a post to basically talk cr*p about them.

yeah - I'm wondering why you are reaching to an economic explanation when there appears to be mutual antipathy.

Thank you - this was my point.  You can tell they don't like you, they can tell you don't like them.  End of story (most likely).

[jeromedawg]

For whatever reason they don’t like you. Forget them and move on. You have done nothing wrong. People in SoCal can be very shallow and petty.

It's just awkward in those situations like small gatherings where there's crossover/overlap in mutual friends and there's obvious tension with that other couple. Like you want to hang out with the other kids/parents...just not them hahaha

There's an old adage that people are thinking about you way less than they think you are.  If it's a matter of people you don't know very well talking to you less than the little bit they used to, I wouldn't read anything into other than they already have a lot friends and gravitate toward couples who are more extroverted. 

If they are obviously treating you very differently, suddenly, it still may be unrelated to the value of your gift.  I'm a proponent of being up front, so I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that you noticed something "off" in your interactions recently and was wondering if they wanted to clear the air about anything.  However, I don't think it will help if they are just being snobby, it's not like they are going to tell you the gift was too cheap or anything like that.

Not just more extroverted but also wealthier ;) I'm *guessing* it's a blend of both those things and the gift merely was a way for them to confirm who they want to associate with and who they don't. Just by observing the way they talk and relate to other people as well as to their kids, they are not people that we would want to be friends (or at least close friends) with anyway.  Very braggadocios and full of pride... Friendship/close friendship aside, the tension in the air around them is something that's more uncomfortable. You don't have to be friends to have the common decency to say "Hi" back to someone when they greet you versus looking way/the other direction and ignoring the person outright. But maybe they are just rude and brash people in general who don't think greeting or responding is important or decent.

But you don't like them either.  Isn't it possible that they could sense this and/or that you are not a good fit as friends?  I wouldn't assume they are looking down on your wealth status, it's much more likely that they don't like you for a different reason.  Sorry to be harsh, but you created a post to basically talk cr*p about them.

yeah - I'm wondering why you are reaching to an economic explanation when there appears to be mutual antipathy.

Thank you - this was my point.  You can tell they don't like you, they can tell you don't like them.  End of story (most likely).

It wasn't like this from the beginning - I think I mentioned that my wife had talked with the dad on a few different occasions and those conversations were normal. Something changed after the bday party - *that* is what we are most confused by. Besides the whole gift thing, maybe they observed something about us at the party that they didn't like? We hadn't met the wife until that point in time and we thought everything was pretty normal while we were there - it was a pool party and there were a lot of people there. It was a pretty relaxed occasion - no drama - we weren't off in the corner doing our own thing. We were "among the crowd" with all of them.

[charis]

For whatever reason they don’t like you. Forget them and move on. You have done nothing wrong. People in SoCal can be very shallow and petty.

It's just awkward in those situations like small gatherings where there's crossover/overlap in mutual friends and there's obvious tension with that other couple. Like you want to hang out with the other kids/parents...just not them hahaha

There's an old adage that people are thinking about you way less than they think you are.  If it's a matter of people you don't know very well talking to you less than the little bit they used to, I wouldn't read anything into other than they already have a lot friends and gravitate toward couples who are more extroverted. 

If they are obviously treating you very differently, suddenly, it still may be unrelated to the value of your gift.  I'm a proponent of being up front, so I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that you noticed something "off" in your interactions recently and was wondering if they wanted to clear the air about anything.  However, I don't think it will help if they are just being snobby, it's not like they are going to tell you the gift was too cheap or anything like that.

Not just more extroverted but also wealthier ;) I'm *guessing* it's a blend of both those things and the gift merely was a way for them to confirm who they want to associate with and who they don't. Just by observing the way they talk and relate to other people as well as to their kids, they are not people that we would want to be friends (or at least close friends) with anyway.  Very braggadocios and full of pride... Friendship/close friendship aside, the tension in the air around them is something that's more uncomfortable. You don't have to be friends to have the common decency to say "Hi" back to someone when they greet you versus looking way/the other direction and ignoring the person outright. But maybe they are just rude and brash people in general who don't think greeting or responding is important or decent.

But you don't like them either.  Isn't it possible that they could sense this and/or that you are not a good fit as friends?  I wouldn't assume they are looking down on your wealth status, it's much more likely that they don't like you for a different reason.  Sorry to be harsh, but you created a post to basically talk cr*p about them.

yeah - I'm wondering why you are reaching to an economic explanation when there appears to be mutual antipathy.

Thank you - this was my point.  You can tell they don't like you, they can tell you don't like them.  End of story (most likely).

It wasn't like this from the beginning - I think I mentioned that my wife had talked with the dad on a few different occasions and those conversations were normal. Something changed after the bday party - *that* is what we are most confused by.

But the point is that could be something about your behavior that was off putting to them that is completely unrelated to the gift.  Maybe they thought you were rude, aloof, cold, sarcastic, etc, maybe your kid clogged the toilet or called another kid a nincompoop, or you tracked dirt on the carpet, or they overheard you calling your mother-in-law a jerk and they though you were talking about them...  Do you see where I'm going with this, it could be anything.  But you are immediately jumping to their wealth.

[jeromedawg]

For whatever reason they don’t like you. Forget them and move on. You have done nothing wrong. People in SoCal can be very shallow and petty.

It's just awkward in those situations like small gatherings where there's crossover/overlap in mutual friends and there's obvious tension with that other couple. Like you want to hang out with the other kids/parents...just not them hahaha

There's an old adage that people are thinking about you way less than they think you are.  If it's a matter of people you don't know very well talking to you less than the little bit they used to, I wouldn't read anything into other than they already have a lot friends and gravitate toward couples who are more extroverted. 

If they are obviously treating you very differently, suddenly, it still may be unrelated to the value of your gift.  I'm a proponent of being up front, so I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that you noticed something "off" in your interactions recently and was wondering if they wanted to clear the air about anything.  However, I don't think it will help if they are just being snobby, it's not like they are going to tell you the gift was too cheap or anything like that.

Not just more extroverted but also wealthier ;) I'm *guessing* it's a blend of both those things and the gift merely was a way for them to confirm who they want to associate with and who they don't. Just by observing the way they talk and relate to other people as well as to their kids, they are not people that we would want to be friends (or at least close friends) with anyway.  Very braggadocios and full of pride... Friendship/close friendship aside, the tension in the air around them is something that's more uncomfortable. You don't have to be friends to have the common decency to say "Hi" back to someone when they greet you versus looking way/the other direction and ignoring the person outright. But maybe they are just rude and brash people in general who don't think greeting or responding is important or decent.

But you don't like them either.  Isn't it possible that they could sense this and/or that you are not a good fit as friends?  I wouldn't assume they are looking down on your wealth status, it's much more likely that they don't like you for a different reason.  Sorry to be harsh, but you created a post to basically talk cr*p about them.

yeah - I'm wondering why you are reaching to an economic explanation when there appears to be mutual antipathy.

Thank you - this was my point.  You can tell they don't like you, they can tell you don't like them.  End of story (most likely).

It wasn't like this from the beginning - I think I mentioned that my wife had talked with the dad on a few different occasions and those conversations were normal. Something changed after the bday party - *that* is what we are most confused by.

But the point is that could be something about your behavior that was off putting to them that is completely unrelated to the gift.  Maybe they thought you were rude, aloof, cold, etc, maybe your kid clogged the toilet or called another kid a nincompoop, or you tracked dirt on the carpet, or they overheard you calling your mother-in-law a jerk and they though you were talking about them...  Do you see where I'm going with this, it could be anything.  But you are immediately jumping to their wealth.

Yea maybe... I mean, we had what I thought was a nice conversation with the wife (when we saw our friend there and found out they work together). But yea who knows... it could have been anything. I would say that we are pretty self-aware people and our kids aren't jerks to others (and if they are acting like ones we take action on it). They just seem disinterested in talking with (and especially now acknowledging) us at all - my wife in the past has come off as being stand-offish or cold but considering the fact that she had already spoken with the dad previously and we met the wife and had a pretty normal conversation initially, I wouldn't think any of that would have been a factor. *shrug*. The whole wealth thing stemmed from my wife's initial insecurities about the "low-cost" gift not being good enough. She also said that we didn't get a chance to say "Bye and thank you" to them at the very end - we were at pool making sure the kids weren't drowning and didn't realize they had left... so maybe they felt like we were ungrateful?

To make it very clear: the whole assumption that we think they're A-holes is not accurate in the sense that we *always* felt that way about them from day one. It was when they ignored and didn't acknowledge my wife (when she would greet them) that made us feel that way about them. Up until the birthday party, we thought they were normal people. But yes, you could be right - there might have been something about us or something we did that they didn't like that led them to acting that way. Or not and that's just how they are, at least towards us, for some unspecified reason. My original question apart from that I think FINate answered though - most people who are wealthy likely don't look down on or hold grudges against people who give their kids inexpensive gifts... at least, I would hope that's the case here.   

[FINate]

I don't think pettiness is specific to the wealthy.

Those with less wealth often feel uncomfortable/judged/looked down upon around those with more. It's possible that you're projecting your own insecurities onto this other family.

While statistically speaking wealthy folks are likely to have lower empathy, I don't think that's what's happening here. Wealthy folks are often guarded, trying to avoid social climbers that seek to use them for their wealth and connections, so this could be a factor.

Classism is alive in well in the US, and it cuts both ways. By default people tend to self sort into their own socioeconomic and cultural groups.

I've had people very obviously ghost me because I was too liberal, whereas other have broken off connection because I'm a Christian. Life is short, you can't control how others treat you, there's not much to do except move on.

So people you don't like and think are snobs don't like you, and you assume it's because you got their kid a mediocre gift?  This post reads more to me like you are insecure about your income and economic status.  And since you say there are other people your wife has had similar situations with and they aren't wealthy, I find it somewhat interesting that in this case, you assume it's the money, when clearly it isn't in those cases.  Why is it that with those other people, it's something else, but with the rich people, you assume it's money? Maybe you guys give off an aloof vibe.  Maybe your introversion comes off as aloof or disinterested--or it does to at least some people. 


You said you talked to nearly everyone but them at the party.  Maybe they found that off-putting.  Or maybe not off-putting, but enough to make them say, "okay, the Dawgs aren't really our people", so they moved on.  Or maybe they sense that you think they are braggy and shallow and prideful.  People usually pick up on that kind of thing pretty easily, in which case of course they aren't going to be your BFFs in the school parking lot.  You think they are assholes, and you are upset that they avoid you?  They probably can tell you think they are assholes, so they avoid you.  And that's fine.  Not everyone is a good fit for everyone else.  And that has nothing to do with money.

I'm from SoCal (OC) though it's been a while since I moved away.  But I find the people there to be no more or less "petty" or unwilling to mix with the un-riched masses than anywhere else. 

Good breakdowns here - it might very well be that we're projecting insecurities onto them. My wife told me she has struggled with this kind of thing growing up (because she grew up poor). I didn't have the same experience growing up in those circumstances but maybe her insecurities are also influencing me. For some reason, this whole situation has been bothering her a lot (and it now bothers me because I've experienced it first hand with this couple as well). I guess I'll tell my wife to stop trying to say "Hi" to them from now on and just ignore them or whatever. And if there are any future gatherings, either don't go or suck it up and see what happens if we attempt small-talking them LOL

If it really bothers you there is something you can do: talk to them. There's an art to doing this in a way that's not creepy stalkerish, and of course stop if they are very obviously trying to avoid and get away. Even if you find the right time and situation (school event?), this is never going to work if you go into it assuming they're the issue. You have to go into with humility and openness. Like "hi, is everything okay between us? It seems like you're avoiding me, and I just want to make sure I didn't do anything to offend you." Listen, don't argue, and apologize.

[jeromedawg]

I don't think pettiness is specific to the wealthy.

Those with less wealth often feel uncomfortable/judged/looked down upon around those with more. It's possible that you're projecting your own insecurities onto this other family.

While statistically speaking wealthy folks are likely to have lower empathy, I don't think that's what's happening here. Wealthy folks are often guarded, trying to avoid social climbers that seek to use them for their wealth and connections, so this could be a factor.

Classism is alive in well in the US, and it cuts both ways. By default people tend to self sort into their own socioeconomic and cultural groups.

I've had people very obviously ghost me because I was too liberal, whereas other have broken off connection because I'm a Christian. Life is short, you can't control how others treat you, there's not much to do except move on.

So people you don't like and think are snobs don't like you, and you assume it's because you got their kid a mediocre gift?  This post reads more to me like you are insecure about your income and economic status.  And since you say there are other people your wife has had similar situations with and they aren't wealthy, I find it somewhat interesting that in this case, you assume it's the money, when clearly it isn't in those cases.  Why is it that with those other people, it's something else, but with the rich people, you assume it's money? Maybe you guys give off an aloof vibe.  Maybe your introversion comes off as aloof or disinterested--or it does to at least some people. 


You said you talked to nearly everyone but them at the party.  Maybe they found that off-putting.  Or maybe not off-putting, but enough to make them say, "okay, the Dawgs aren't really our people", so they moved on.  Or maybe they sense that you think they are braggy and shallow and prideful.  People usually pick up on that kind of thing pretty easily, in which case of course they aren't going to be your BFFs in the school parking lot.  You think they are assholes, and you are upset that they avoid you?  They probably can tell you think they are assholes, so they avoid you.  And that's fine.  Not everyone is a good fit for everyone else.  And that has nothing to do with money.

I'm from SoCal (OC) though it's been a while since I moved away.  But I find the people there to be no more or less "petty" or unwilling to mix with the un-riched masses than anywhere else. 

Good breakdowns here - it might very well be that we're projecting insecurities onto them. My wife told me she has struggled with this kind of thing growing up (because she grew up poor). I didn't have the same experience growing up in those circumstances but maybe her insecurities are also influencing me. For some reason, this whole situation has been bothering her a lot (and it now bothers me because I've experienced it first hand with this couple as well). I guess I'll tell my wife to stop trying to say "Hi" to them from now on and just ignore them or whatever. And if there are any future gatherings, either don't go or suck it up and see what happens if we attempt small-talking them LOL

If it really bothers you there is something you can do: talk to them. There's an art to doing this in a way that's not creepy stalkerish, and of course stop if they are very obviously trying to avoid and get away. Even if you find the right time and situation (school event?), this is never going to work if you go into it assuming they're the issue. You have to go into with humility and openness. Like "hi, is everything okay between us? It seems like you're avoiding me, and I just want to make sure I didn't do anything to offend you." Listen, don't argue, and apologize.

Yea, my wife has been considering this if there's an opening to do so with the dad, since they've obviously talked before and he's slightly more approachable (and usually he's around more from what I understand).

BTW: This post and thread is basically on behalf of my wife. If she were writing it, it probably would have been way more concise, clear and to the point. I ended up making a mess with these threads but she won't do it because she's not a "ask questions on a forum" type of gal.

[Villanelle]

You said you barely spoke to them at the party.  (Though now you say your wife had a conversation with the wife, but I'm assuming it was short since you said you didn't walk much with them.)

Depending no how little you spoke to them, could it be that they felt kind of blown off?  If I invite someone to my home and they barely speak to me, I'm going to likely feel that the message is they aren't that in to me, and depending on how little they spoke to me and when, and what was said, I might also think somewhat negatively about them.  (Not to the point that I wouldn't return a "hello". It would take something major for me to blow off a polite greeting without returning it in kind and then moving away.  But still, a negative overall impression.)  Did you say goodbye and thank them for having you over when you left? 

Regardless, all you can control is yourself.  It doesn't matter why they are this way toward you and your wife, or what their motivation is.  Try to work on not caring if people--people you don't like--don't like you.  I know that's easier said than done as I tend to dwell on that kind of things, but make it the goal and work toward that. 

[jeromedawg]

You said you barely spoke to them at the party.  (Though now you say your wife had a conversation with the wife, but I'm assuming it was short since you said you didn't walk much with them.)

Depending no how little you spoke to them, could it be that they felt kind of blown off?  If I invite someone to my home and they barely speak to me, I'm going to likely feel that the message is they aren't that in to me, and depending on how little they spoke to me and when, and what was said, I might also think somewhat negatively about them.  (Not to the point that I wouldn't return a "hello". It would take something major for me to blow off a polite greeting without returning it in kind and then moving away.  But still, a negative overall impression.)  Did you say goodbye and thank them for having you over when you left? 

Regardless, all you can control is yourself.  It doesn't matter why they are this way toward you and your wife, or what their motivation is.  Try to work on not caring if people--people you don't like--don't like you.  I know that's easier said than done as I tend to dwell on that kind of things, but make it the goal and work toward that.

We both spoke with the wife and what made it easier was that we had a mutual friend (unbeknownst to all of us) so that "broke the ice" and we chatted for a good 5-10 minutes (nothing super long but a little more than a very brief introduction). Both the husband and the wife seemed to be busy during the whole event - the husband was on phone half the time and the mom was running around doing different things.  Didn't get any negative vibes or anything like that from them the whole time.

I think I mentioned above that we didn't have a chance to say "Bye" or "Thank you" at the end because we were at the pool watching the kids (and not just ours but others parents' kids too) and the husband and wife were already out of the gate talking with someone else and leaving. That was the only other thing my wife could think of - that we didn't say "Bye" and "Thank you" to them at the very end.  It was one of those events (at a neighborhood community pool) where it just seemed extremely informal and people were coming and going.

If my wife had seen them the next day at school, I'm sure she would have said "Sorry we didn't get a chance to say bye but thank you!" but she either didn't OR if the opportunity did come up by that point both of them were already blowing her off.

[clarkfan1979]

You said you barely spoke to them at the party.  (Though now you say your wife had a conversation with the wife, but I'm assuming it was short since you said you didn't walk much with them.)

Depending no how little you spoke to them, could it be that they felt kind of blown off?  If I invite someone to my home and they barely speak to me, I'm going to likely feel that the message is they aren't that in to me, and depending on how little they spoke to me and when, and what was said, I might also think somewhat negatively about them.  (Not to the point that I wouldn't return a "hello". It would take something major for me to blow off a polite greeting without returning it in kind and then moving away.  But still, a negative overall impression.)  Did you say goodbye and thank them for having you over when you left? 

Regardless, all you can control is yourself.  It doesn't matter why they are this way toward you and your wife, or what their motivation is.  Try to work on not caring if people--people you don't like--don't like you.  I know that's easier said than done as I tend to dwell on that kind of things, but make it the goal and work toward that.

We both spoke with the wife and what made it easier was that we had a mutual friend (unbeknownst to all of us) so that "broke the ice" and we chatted for a good 5-10 minutes (nothing super long but a little more than a very brief introduction). Both the husband and the wife seemed to be busy during the whole event - the husband was on phone half the time and the mom was running around doing different things.  Didn't get any negative vibes or anything like that from them the whole time.

I think I mentioned above that we didn't have a chance to say "Bye" or "Thank you" at the end because we were at the pool watching the kids (and not just ours but others parents' kids too) and the husband and wife were already out of the gate talking with someone else and leaving. That was the only other thing my wife could think of - that we didn't say "Bye" and "Thank you" to them at the very end.  It was one of those events (at a neighborhood community pool) where it just seemed extremely informal and people were coming and going.

If my wife had seen them the next day at school, I'm sure she would have said "Sorry we didn't get a chance to say bye but thank you!" but she either didn't OR if the opportunity did come up by that point both of them were already blowing her off.

I personally wouldn't worry about it. It doesn't really seem like you can do anything about it. I would just continue to be nice and see what happens.

If you want a shallow explanation of their behavior, it could be very possible that they are upset that you made it into the neighborhood on a lower salary. You might be dragging down the status of the neighborhood with your 10K car.

One of my friends parents sold their house in Laguna Nigel for millions and then decided to rent for a few years. They didn't drive fancy cars and the wife liked to do her own gardening and landscaping. They were ridiculed by the neighbors for being poor renters that didn't belong. They actually shot their dog with a bb gun. BB's were removed after a vet visit. At the time, they had millions in the bank, so the neighbors assumptions about them were not very accurate.

[jeromedawg]

You said you barely spoke to them at the party.  (Though now you say your wife had a conversation with the wife, but I'm assuming it was short since you said you didn't walk much with them.)

Depending no how little you spoke to them, could it be that they felt kind of blown off?  If I invite someone to my home and they barely speak to me, I'm going to likely feel that the message is they aren't that in to me, and depending on how little they spoke to me and when, and what was said, I might also think somewhat negatively about them.  (Not to the point that I wouldn't return a "hello". It would take something major for me to blow off a polite greeting without returning it in kind and then moving away.  But still, a negative overall impression.)  Did you say goodbye and thank them for having you over when you left? 

Regardless, all you can control is yourself.  It doesn't matter why they are this way toward you and your wife, or what their motivation is.  Try to work on not caring if people--people you don't like--don't like you.  I know that's easier said than done as I tend to dwell on that kind of things, but make it the goal and work toward that.

We both spoke with the wife and what made it easier was that we had a mutual friend (unbeknownst to all of us) so that "broke the ice" and we chatted for a good 5-10 minutes (nothing super long but a little more than a very brief introduction). Both the husband and the wife seemed to be busy during the whole event - the husband was on phone half the time and the mom was running around doing different things.  Didn't get any negative vibes or anything like that from them the whole time.

I think I mentioned above that we didn't have a chance to say "Bye" or "Thank you" at the end because we were at the pool watching the kids (and not just ours but others parents' kids too) and the husband and wife were already out of the gate talking with someone else and leaving. That was the only other thing my wife could think of - that we didn't say "Bye" and "Thank you" to them at the very end.  It was one of those events (at a neighborhood community pool) where it just seemed extremely informal and people were coming and going.

If my wife had seen them the next day at school, I'm sure she would have said "Sorry we didn't get a chance to say bye but thank you!" but she either didn't OR if the opportunity did come up by that point both of them were already blowing her off.

I personally wouldn't worry about it. It doesn't really seem like you can do anything about it. I would just continue to be nice and see what happens.

If you want a shallow explanation of their behavior, it could be very possible that they are upset that you made it into the neighborhood on a lower salary. You might be dragging down the status of the neighborhood with your 10K car.

One of my friends parents sold their house in Laguna Nigel for millions and then decided to rent for a few years. They didn't drive fancy cars and the wife liked to do her own gardening and landscaping. They were ridiculed by the neighbors for being poor renters that didn't belong. They actually shot their dog with a bb gun. BB's were removed after a vet visit. At the time, they had millions in the bank, so the neighbors assumptions about them were not very accurate.

Yea, that's the plan. Was more just curious as to why they come off the way they are (not so much about not wanting to be friends as much as blowing off and ignoring my wife when she tries to greet them).

As far as neighborhoods - they don't even live in the area. Their kids just go to the same school and they commute from a nearby city (which, in its own right has a just as if not more wealthy population). So I don't think it has to do with the homes that we live in - I'm pretty sure they have no clue where we live either.

[JupiterGreen]

Hi all,

Curious what your experiences are as far as the weatlhy(ier) people in your social circles and how they view relationships (specifically in terms of who they want to be friends with or associate with) - I live in Southern California (South OC to be exact) and in this area and surrounding areas, for the most part, there is a larger concentration of people with pretty high annual salaries and/or net worth. Maybe this isn't a new thing or maybe it's just a microcosm in my area, but it *seems* like those with higher socioeconomic standing tend to associate with each other while ignoring or leaving the lesser-income families out of the equation (kind of a country club mentality).
Anyway, I've gotten a sense of this from certain other parents at our kids' school (and even one of my friends). There's one couple in particular who, while they aren't necessarily snotty towards us, tend to ignore us whether at school or other events. My wife had talked to the dad before during volunteer events last school year but something changed after we went to a bday party they threw for their daughter - after that, the both of us would see them around at different events and either say "Hi" or make eye-contact, smile, etc but both of them just keep a straight-face and don't say a word or seem to acknowledge (maybe except for a nod). Even at a bday party of another friend of our daughters, both the husband and wife mostly ignored or disregarded us. They are both quite outspoken social butterflies who love being the center of attention in group settings and we see them chatting it up all the time with other people. Anyway, the party was relatively small and my wife was kind of sitting around in the "conversation circle" by the pool but was quiet (we both are but will engage if the opportunity is there). We talked to nearly everyone else except for them.  The only thing my wife can think of is that we gave their daughter a "low-value" birthday present (it was a puzzle set - we don't know them well and weren't going to randomly splurge on them) and so maybe they're super upset about it and think we're cheap and don't want to associate with us anymore? We were hesitant to go to the party in the first place because neither of us knew the parents (especially the wife) well at the time; we mostly went because our daughter said sometimes she plays with that girl at school (also, if it means meeting another family and possible future play dates, then sure why not?). At the party, we also had an old friend there who it turns out works with the wife so that helped break the ice (or so we thought) - the wife, especially, has a strong personality (very blunt - and my wife already has trouble relating with these kinds of people).

Have any of you had similar types of experiences where you brought a gift that maybe "wasn't good enough" and it resulted in the receiver not thinking fondly of you?  Not saying that this is what's going on, but we can't think of anything else... my wife is considering asking the husband if they are holding something against us if she sees him around and has the opportunity but for the most part, we're thinking it's best just to let them be them and we move on from thinking about it. I mean, maybe there's a factor of "they're extroverts and we're introverts" but it feels like it's more than that.

You're giving them a lot of power here. My advice is to avoid people and places you dislike. But if it is a must for your child just go in with no expectations, remember you are only there for your kid. If people talk to you at these kid events, great. If not, their loss. Boundaries my friend. If this is triggering some childhood poverty trauma for your wife, therapy can help her learn to let go of allowing other people to define her.

[GilesMM]

Not sure your definition of "wealth" but in the US that has historically been a class of people who have had a vastly unique upbringing, share generational wealth, and if they work at all is at the family company.  They don't live in suburban neighborhoods or attend kid functions much less rub shoulders with strangers except perhaps at charity functions.  You may or may not know where they live or how many different properties the family owns.  They may dress inconspicuously and drive pedestrian vehicles (Subaru, Chevy).  They tend to socialize at private clubs or homes.


In SoCal (and elsewhere) you will frequently run into the furiously social-climbing nouveaux riches.  These are folks of modest upbringing (at best) who probably have day jobs (for both parents!) and spend very conspicuously on appearance-related things - clothes, cars, homes, vacations, birthday gifts, etc.  Most have well under $10 million net worth, so fairly low on the grand totem pole.  They can be very sensitive to with whom they are seen with regard to apparent "wealth", race, skin tone, religion, etc. Avoid them like the plague!

[Dancin'Dog]

I'd just keep saying "hello" whenever you see them.  If they never want to chat with you, "who cares"?  If you don't worry about it, it isn't your problem. 




If you want to mess with them, the next time you see them ask what their names are again.  That will let them know how much they mean to you.  It might be fun.  It might "reset" their attitudes. 


Who knows?  Who cares?

[lifeisshort123]

Sometimes people are not interested in talking with you at a party.  My advice is if you have that experience, commiserate with your spouse for a few moments about it, and then move on with your life.

Who knows why they didn't like you, and I wouldn't worry about it. Also, maybe they didn't get to know you enough to like or dislike you, and just don't know you.

[Metalcat]

Yes, most of my colleagues and friends in my former profession were high income and they often avoided socializing with people who weren't similar SES to them.

Part of this was snobbery, part of it, ironically was fear of awkward situations. People who make less money can often get really weird around people who make more money.

The combo made them very insular.

Maybe this is the case for your assholes, maybe not. I live on the opposite side of the continent with very different norms.

In the end, none of it matters. These people are being exclusionary and weird. I would just engage with them as little as possible. It doesn't sound like they're folks you would want to associate with much.

I personally am quite happy not to have much association with my former colleagues except for the few who were actually cool.

Because guess what? A lot of them don't know how to be around me anymore now that I'm not a high earning professional anymore. Their discomfort is palpable because talking about spending is what they do, and they don't know if they should freely do that around me anymore.

[Just Joe]

Sometimes people are not interested in talking with you at a party.  My advice is if you have that experience, commiserate with your spouse for a few moments about it, and then move on with your life.

Who knows why they didn't like you, and I wouldn't worry about it. Also, maybe they didn't get to know you enough to like or dislike you, and just don't know you.

Maybe the wife is insecure about her marriage to the husband (the other couple) and gets jealous when he talks to other people? Maybe their marriage is not a strong one?

Move on. All this worry about people who aren't really important to you can cause alot of emotional wear and tear. Work on your DGAF muscles and move on. Be friendly with everyone else. Maybe the other couple will come back around. Or maybe this is some sort of weird power play.

Like others here have mentioned, people ghost others for all sorts of reasons. I had a roommate who went cold once upon a time. I asked for explanation so I could fix anything I might have caused - for the peace and happiness of the living arrangement. Their frequent guest friend couple also went cold at the same time. Took a long time to figure out that it was a religious thing. They were religious and I wasn't. It looked like a sermon steered them to alienate me b/c I wasn't the right flavor of believer like them. Its very difficult to demand an explanation and squeeze one out of a person who doesn't want to be honest - but that is what it apparently came down to.

Very christian of them, huh? I lost sleep over that until I didn't. I had been very warm, generous and kind to them along the way. If they were replaying that kindness like that. I DGAF and wouldn't let their aloofness have that much power over me again. I traded up on roomies soon after that too.

I've also witnessed people go cold and distant b/c of politics, LGBTQ+ support, bank account size, new cars vs old cars, brands vs brands, neighborhood choice, white collar vs blue collar, racial problems, etc. We lost a number of friends and a few relatives to the "culture wars" starting with the 2014 elections. We simply didn't participate in the BS rumor mill. Not good enough. We apparently needed to hold up our beers and holler "hell yeah!" every time a hair brained rumor blew through that denigrated the liberals. And no half measures or nuance allowed. ;)

We struggled a bit with that too b/c it was isolating. The power of the rumors were stronger and more important than our friendships and kinship? Apparently. Then we remembered our DGAF muscles.

Do NOT put too much time and energy into a relationship that might be derailed by whether a gift was "expensive enough". If your connection to them is that tenuous, move on.

Finding MMM along the way has helped DW and I b/c here are a bunch of thoughtful, intelligent people trying to optimizing their lives and freely sharing their best ideas. Good luck to you.

[Catbert]

I would not talk to them about "why".  That could be the most awkward conversation of your life for no good reason.  What could they possibly tell you that would help?  You're too poor?  Your wife came on to my husband?  My child doesn't like yours?  You're too standoffish?  Wrong religion?  Wrong politics?

If this were a family member or nextdoor neighbor who you'd previously had a good relationship with, sure have that conversation if you're brave enough. 

[ChickenStash]

I would just smile, nod, and be reasonably cordial but if they don't really want to engage don't pressure them into it. There's a myriad of reasons why they might be standoffish. Maybe they don't like people acting poor or maybe you unintentionally offended them (this happens a lot), maybe they feel somehow inferior or superior, maybe it's just a bad vibe/instinct.

Who knows, who cares. It's not reasonable to assume everyone will like you and that the reasons they don't even make sense. Move on and spend more time with the people you do like and like you in return.

[Cassie]

I wouldn’t ask them about it. I would acknowledge them if I saw them and that is all.  It’s not worth your life energy.

[Sandi_k]

Since you admit that you didn't have a chance to thank them for their hospitality at the community pool party, I would send a brief email to them, noting that you were sorry you didn't have that chance, and that you enjoyed the party.

I might comment on the "small world" of having a mutual friend, note that you will see them "around" over the next year, and wish them and their kid(s) a good school year.

I would still say "hi" because I don't want to be that grudge-holding a-hole. Politeness is who I try to be, and that costs me nothing.

And then let it go.

[Bee21]

You seem to be distressed about a social rejection and that's ok. It happens to everybody, and it is not a nice feeling.

You will never find out what went wrong and i strongly recommended not asking them about it. Don't  put yourself in an awkward position. If a close friendship cooloed off suddenly, it would be worth the effort, but not with acquaintances like this. All you can do is accept the situation and move on. Be very nice and polite to them if you run into each other and that's all. You will find your people eventually.

  Maybe think of what you would do differently to improve your social skills or how to build your social life where you feel valued and accepted. Social butterflies like these 2 seem to be attract a lot of attention, but they can be cruel. Thry are not the people you want to be associated with.