Receiving a small inheritance. What to do? Bit of drama.

[moosejaw]

Long story short.  My mom passed away in 2006.  Her father just passed away in his late 90's.  So I am receiving a share of his estate since my mom is no longer here, as is my sister.

However, instead of 33/33/33 split among her other siblings, brother/brother/mom, the split is 40/40/10/10.  The 10/10 going to my sister and I, essentially shorting my mother's share by 14% of the total estate.

One uncle says an attorney suggested my grandfather change it(the will was changed shortly after my mother passed.)  The other uncle says it wasn't my mother's share as much as a thoughtful gift from my grandfather.

Either way it feels disrespectful to my mother and her memory as she wasn't treated very well by her family growing up.  So it is sort of par for the course they give her less as it always felt they thought of her as less than.

I'm still figuring out if I should respond but don't want to come off as a greedy jerk.

The amount will end up being around $51,000 to me. 

Should I invest it, or simply pay my house down which automatically puts more money down towards the principal with our regular payment?

[omachi]

I'd take the money and run. The harsh truth - it was your grandfather's money to do with as he pleased, not something owed to his children or their heirs. While I am prone to agree that passing a third to your late mother's heirs seems the fair thing to do, it's not by any means a requirement. Assuming he was of sound mind when the change was made, you don't have anything to protest on legal ground. With their responses, your uncle don't seem eager to change the arrangement on grounds of fairness, either.

But, even if the change was made at a time where he wasn't of sound mind, you're looking at $35k more if you got an even split. Fighting it will eat a bunch of money and it doesn't seem to me like fighting a 12 year old will change is even close to a slam dunk case that assures you'd win. So you could end up with less going that route. Not to mention the bad blood that dragging it to court would cause with relatives, win or lose, because then they're spending on attorneys' fees as well.

It may be disrespectful of your mother. It may be poor treatment of her memory and of you. Your uncles might even be terrible people, I couldn't say. I can tell you that court is a terrible place to resolve those issues. Nobody wins but the lawyers. Enjoy that you were important enough to the man to get something and enjoy the advantages that money brings you.

[moosejaw]

I am definitely on the side of taking the high road.  I am struggling with whether I respond with what I feel it represents to me. 

I don't think it will have the impact I think and may come off as a guilt trip.

The only way I could rightfully do it is if I told them to shove the money up their ass.

[Frankies Girl]

Your mom is gone, and nothing said/done at this point is going to hurt her. She's beyond being hurt by how her father left his estate. I get you're incensed on her behalf, but since your grandfather is gone too... all the major players are literally beyond feeling anything at this point. Nothing you do is going to revenge your mother's memory at this point, so save your breath.

Your telling the uncles how you're enraged on your mother's behalf? Useless. Rant about it if you absolutely must to your spouse or your sibling - but don't bother soapboxing for those that aren't going to care other than labeling you as greedy or stupid (if they believed the same as your grandfather NOTE: I'm not calling you greedy/stupid just that assholes are likely to do so). You aren't going to suddenly have a breakthrough with them where they break down in tears crying over the mistreatment of their sibling all those year and rend their shirts in guilt and tell you how right you are... you're not going to get a satisfactory outcome here and just end up feeling worse and get all tied up in knots worse than you already are.

So your grandfather was an asshole who treated your mom poorly, but no matter how massive a douche he was, inheritances are not owed to any family members. He could have left you nothing and been completely legal and correct about it. Especially since it doesn't sound like you were that close (if you don't like him and he didn't like you... the idea that he left you even a dollar is a huge windfall).

Take the money, don't engage more than absolutely necessary with the uncles if they are also jerks; be polite but distant like they were people you don't know well. Do with it as you wish. I wouldn't personally tell anyone handing me money to shove it. Keep in mind, you don't take it, the jerk uncles get it. Don't be impulsive or throw away free money that your mother would have wanted you to have or reward the uncles' jerk behavior. Consider reframing that inheritance as a lovely surprise from your mom instead. Your grandfather and uncles are nothing - so don't spare a single thought for them and thank your mom for the gift.

[omachi]

I am definitely on the side of taking the high road.  I am struggling with whether I respond with what I feel it represents to me. 

I don't think it will have the impact I think and may come off as a guilt trip.

The only way I could rightfully do it is if I told them to shove the money up their ass.

Anything you can say other than honoring the man who passed is not going to go over well. It'll come off as a guilt trip, greed, or just plain disrespect. As it benefits them, your uncles have already made peace with the uneven split and have told you as much. You won't find satisfaction with them.

Even if you told them to shove it and left the money with them, what does that get you? "Oh no, we didn't care about moosejaw enough to make things even, and now he's given us more money. What will we do?" You're out $51k and what have you gained for it? The joy of playing into their hands?

The reasonable thing is to take the money, be grateful you received it, and if you're bent out of shape, distance yourself from the remaining family. Quiet. Drama free. Live your life a little bit richer and put the past that you can't change back in the past.

Then think long and hard about what it is you wanted to get out of telling them off. Do something with a little of the money that'll get you a little of that. If it's respect for your late mother, do something like put flowers on her grave yearly or make a donation in her honor to something she cared about. Give her the respect others aren't, with the money they'd happily take if it didn't go to you.

[frugaliknowit]

I don't think you have anything to be angry or resentful about.

Your grandfather, for whatever reason, chose to give the 2 grand children (collectively) 20% (instead of the 40% he gave each sibling).  Be grateful for what you got.

[MoseyingAlong]

moosejaw,

Condolences on the deaths of your mother and grandfather and the raising of these issues.

While I doubt talking to your uncles will change anything, I do think discussing this can do something. That is, if you think the division was set up that way due to your mom being a daughter, not another son, and not for some other reason. It was eye-opening when I learned some clients were basically disinherited by their father because they were girls, the vast majority of the estate went to their brother. And no, it was not because of a closer relationship, greater economic need, etc., it was strictly sexist. (And I admired how the sisters did not hold it against their brother; they reserved their ire for their father.) I didn't realize that still happened in this day and age and in my "cultural" group. So if you share your story, it may open someone else's eyes and make them more aware of inequalities in the world.

Otherwise, I second the suggestion to use the money to honor your mother in some way. That way could be investing for your own financial independence and being grateful to your mom when that day arrives.

[hoodedfalcon]

I don't think you have anything to be angry or resentful about.

Your grandfather, for whatever reason, chose to give the 2 grand children (collectively) 20% (instead of the 40% he gave each sibling).  Be grateful for what you got.

Agreed. Your mother had passed when he made out his will. He KNEW it wasn't going to her, so it wasn't her "share" so to speak and it really wasn't about her. It seems his intention was to recognize you and your sibling, which I would take as thoughtful and generous and nothing else. 

Also, very sorry about both your grandfather and your mother.

[robartsd]

As far as dealing with the windfall goes, assuming you don't have enough to pay the mortgage off completely I'd invest rather than pay down a mortgage. Assuming you have a decent mortgage, the expected return of stocks is much higher than the return for making extra principle payments. Investments are also more flexible - freeing up cash flow by paying down a mortgage requires getting the loan recast.

I do like the idea of doing something with the money to honor your mother.

[bugbaby]

I'm like your mother: my parents  disfavor me and I have a distant relationship with them. My young children and I will never get a penny of the inheritance. It just never occurred to me to get mad about that. I hope my kids don't either.

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[mxt0133]

Like other's have said it's not your money and you can feel disrespected all you want, unfortunately you cannot talk to you grandfather as to why it was changed.  I can tell you from my perspective that my will is currently set up to distribute my estate evenly between my three children if they survive my wife and I.  If any one of them pass then the entire estate is split evenly among the our surviving children.  It has no stipulation for our grandchildren. 

It is not to disrespect any potential grandchildren, but I choose to only worry about my immediate children.  If we do end up having grandchildren and some of my kids have more kids than others, I will divide up the estate evenly among my immediate children and not worry about making sure each grandchild gets a fair share, it's just too much of a headache.  I do plan on discussing my estate as often as I can so that no one's feeling get hurt or at least they know why the have the estate is the way it is.

If one of my grandkids feels the same way as you do that they are being short changed somehow, I would do my best to explain to them why I think it is fair, but point out to them that they are entitled to nothing.  If it causes more drama, then I can simply donate it all to charity to avoid the headache.

If you feel that your mother's honor is being disrespected, then I would politely decline the inheritance as that would leave a very bad taste in my mouth knowing that I took money from someone that did not treat my mother with the proper respect.

[Rosy]

Hush and take your 10% - $51K is a damn nice sum to give to your granddaughter. Your grandfather didn't have to leave you anything at all.
You don't know for sure what went on in his head to even include you in the will.
To me, it looks like there is a distinct possibility that he meant to do something nice and honor your mother's memory by giving something to her children - while taking something away from both of his sons.

The uncles - well, they probably hoped their share would increase to 50% each since their sister died, instead they are now getting 10% less.
You know it does no good to perpetuate family drama and bring up things that happened decades ago.
I wouldn't dream of refusing this inheritance - it is a gift specifically meant for you.

If you can't graciously accept it and enjoy it, don't care to forgive and forget even after the man is in his grave then, by all means, refuse the inheritance. Alternatively, you could accept on your mom's behalf and donate it in her name to a cause that was close to her heart.
Whether you see it that way or not, you are not really entitled to anything at all.

Smile and move on - the universe just gave you an opportunity to take away something from your uncles whom you don't seem to be fond of either.

[I'm still figuring out if I should respond but don't want to come off as a greedy jerk.

The amount will end up being around $51,000 to me. 

Should I invest it, or simply pay my house down which automatically puts more money down towards the principal with our regular payment?/quote]

It is all about choices in life...

[cchrissyy]

The way your grandfather split it is normal and good. The way you wish he had done it is also a normal and good way to do it. 
There is truly nothing for you to do here. Please don't make an issue out of this! He picked one valid and common approach that he preferred and not the other one. Fine.
Just be thankful and put the money to good use.

[BicycleB]

I think it's common to view grandkids as "deserving" a smaller share than the kids. My family did it that way; I'm happy to receive anything. As has been mentioned, in any case, it's up to the person who made the will. As a practical matter, fighting it will accomplish nothing.

It is not clear to me whether you feel your uncles were part of treating your mom as "less than", but your grandfather is dead, so if he's the cause of it, it's too late for revenge. I don't think you'll accomplish much either by hassling the uncles over it, but whether you do so is up to you. My personal belief is that family is in limited supply, and treating them kindly is better, even for your own heart.

That said, you seem to feel unresolved anger. Perhaps spend part of the inheritance to counsel on the matter, so that your feelings do not obstruct whatever remaining love can be exchanged with the family?

The rest I would invest, unless your interest rate on the mortgage is high and you don't have a way to reduce the rate. Best of luck in any case.

[NextTime]

I don't think you have anything to be angry or resentful about.

Your grandfather, for whatever reason, chose to give the 2 grand children (collectively) 20% (instead of the 40% he gave each sibling).  Be grateful for what you got.

Agreed. Your mother had passed when he made out his will. He KNEW it wasn't going to her, so it wasn't her "share" so to speak and it really wasn't about her. It seems his intention was to recognize you and your sibling, which I would take as thoughtful and generous and nothing else. 

Also, very sorry about both your grandfather and your mother.

I agree. It sounds like before she passed away (condolences) there was an even split amongst the siblings. That doesn't sound like disrespect. He then changed it to give his surviving children a greater share, but still left a tidy sum to his grandchildren. I probably would have left it the way it was and given the grandchildren the 1/3. But I don't see it as disrespectful or unfair that he changed it. No one can tell you how to feel, but I can assure you that being bitter won't benefit you in any way. Easier said than done.

Here's a thought though. It seems to me that a lot of grandparents are absolutely nuts about their grandkids these days. But I think the older generations, while they still cared, put their own children far ahead of the grandkids. I know my grandmother did.

[honeybbq]

Agreed with others here, let it go and run away with the money.

I don't think you have anything to be upset about.

[Noodle]

My parents aren't planning on leaving anything to their grandchildren, other than small items to remember them by. The estate will be evenly split between their kids, and the kids can choose (or not) to pass on some of it to the grandkids. Which is how their parents handled it. I can guarantee it has nothing to do with how much they love any of their grandchildren, which is immensely. I honestly don't know what my parents would do if one of their children with kids predeceased them...they might very well decide to do exactly what your grandfather did, especially as there is an imbalance of affluence among family members.

[mm1970]

Long story short.  My mom passed away in 2006.  Her father just passed away in his late 90's.  So I am receiving a share of his estate since my mom is no longer here, as is my sister.

However, instead of 33/33/33 split among her other siblings, brother/brother/mom, the split is 40/40/10/10.  The 10/10 going to my sister and I, essentially shorting my mother's share by 14% of the total estate.

One uncle says an attorney suggested my grandfather change it(the will was changed shortly after my mother passed.)  The other uncle says it wasn't my mother's share as much as a thoughtful gift from my grandfather.

Either way it feels disrespectful to my mother and her memory as she wasn't treated very well by her family growing up.  So it is sort of par for the course they give her less as it always felt they thought of her as less than.

I'm still figuring out if I should respond but don't want to come off as a greedy jerk.

The amount will end up being around $51,000 to me. 

Should I invest it, or simply pay my house down which automatically puts more money down towards the principal with our regular payment?

Invest it.

I feel for you a bit.  My mom died in 2011.  My grandfather's second wife died a few years ago.  My grandfather's estate was held in trust until her death.

His will was different - as my mother had 3 children, her share was split by thirds.  That meant we each got 1/12 of the total.

But my grandfather had *two* trusts.  The large one (half a million) split between two sons and the small one ($180k) split among 3 daughters, a surviving daughter in law and her children.  Women were just valued less, and it sort of sucks.  But I knew that his will was written that way back in the 1980s when my grandmother died.  It was no surprise (well, the surprise came from the lawyer's office who said I'd get 1/7, and I could NOT figure out how THAT math worked.  My sister had to send them a letter with a copy of the original trust to tell them that their math was off).