Entitled Family

[IslandFiGirl]

My parents recently passed away.  I inherited their house and have slowly been cleaning it out each time I visit as I live several hundred miles away.  I left keys with three local family members so they could check up on the house and take the items that I had promised them.  I was very clear that I was selling the house and when a couple family members mentioned being interested in the house, I was also clear that I would not be selling it to ANYONE in the family.  I didn't say why, but it's because I want no family drama over a stupid house.  Anyway, a family member that I barely know got a key from his parent (that I do know and have (had?) a good relationship with) and moved into the house!  Luckily another family member alerted me immediately and I called and told the family member I barely know in no uncertain terms to get out RIGHT NOW!  Thankfully, he had only stayed one night and could tell how angry I was and he gathered his things and he left.  I had the locks changed and am pretty confident he won't be back. 

So now, I don't know what to do about the family member that gave him the key.  I called and talked to them prior to making the "eviction" phone call.  They acted like they had no idea that their son had moved in.  The tone of their voice made me think otherwise.  I was pretty clear that I was mad and that him moving in was not ok and that I didn't want to lose my family over this drama (that I didn't start).  We've NEVER had any drama before.  EVER.  So, what do I do?  I haven't heard from them...I figured they might call or text to own up to giving their son the key and apologize but there's been no contact from them.  I'm going to go back and do the final cleanup in about a week or so.  I normally see this family member, go to lunch, go out and have fun...I really feel like I have to clear the air here, yet I'm afraid they will paint me as the bad guy because I wouldn't let my bum of a family member squat in the house I'm selling in a few weeks.  What's the right thing to do here?

[Cassie]

They betrayed your trust and you don’t owe them any explanation.

[Frankies Girl]

You would be completely within your rights to be furious with these relatives. You don't need to really do damage control and worry over what anyone else thinks - they are 100% wrong for what they did. And you have every right to cut them off completely once things are settled that require you to have any contact with them.

So if you really, really need to call them out on this, you tell them that you are greatly disappointed in them. You are heartbroken that they are not the type of person you though they were, and you no longer feel as if you can have the kind of relationship you had before or trust them going forward. And anyone that thinks you handled things poorly? Screw them. Seriously, if anyone thinks that your relatives weren't 100% wrong, then you don't need to even bother with them.

[six-car-habit]

 Forgive the family member in advance, the parent that you hang out and usually have fun with.  Maybe they really didn't know the son started moving in, i'm gonna call it  "started moving in"  - because he only brought enough stuff into the house, that he was able to clear out in apparently one or two trips, the same day you called him and expressed displeasure in his being there.
  So its not like he changed over the utiities and then didn't pay, or parked 3 broken down jalopy cars on the property, or busted up the house and stole the copper pipes from the walls. Or even cooked more than 1 or 2 meals in the kitchen. 

   MAybe he had been living with a girlfriend before this and they happened to get in a big fight -the same week that coincidentaly his parents asked him to stop by your house and make sure the electricity was off and the faucets weren' t leaking. Who knows ?  -- In my made-up example his parents didn't know he had stayed there 1 night yet, but thought he was @ girlfriends, but they did give him the key, so they felt sheepish when answering you.
   --You already expressed the displeasure, they know, maybe they are giving you time to "cool off" before they call.--


  Do the final clean of the house, list it in the MLS, then call relative, go out to lunch to celebrate getting the house on the way out of your life, and ask how their son is doing , while trying to come from a place where you care about their problems , while minimizing the hurt feelings that their son, -*almost *- took advantage of the shelter that your parents old home seemed to offer.

  Youch --- i just read the 2 replies that landed before mine - How about the Orig Poster assumes for a moment that the parents didn't on purpose move Junior into the house. Its not like the other relative [ that called with the warning] said  " I saw your Aunty/uncle with a moving truck carrying mattresses and Jr's comic book collection into your parents old house...."  - Be mad at the wayward 20 something yr old for being tempted to squat, but i'm not sure how we see that aunty/uncle purposely aided and abetted Jr's slumming adventure.

  Quote from orig post *** "I normally see this family member, go to lunch, go out and have fun" *
 - I suppose they were just waiting to spring this malfeasance on you the whole time they were pretending to have fun with you over the years IslndFI girl . Sarcasm.

 

[marty998]

  Youch --- i just read the 2 replies that landed before mine - How about the Orig Poster assumes for a moment that the parents didn't on purpose move Junior into the house. Its not like the other relative [ that called with the warning] said  " I saw your Aunty/uncle with a moving truck carrying mattresses and Jr's comic book collection into your parents old house...."  - Be mad at the wayward 20 something yr old for being tempted to squat, but i'm not sure how we see that aunty/uncle purposely aided and abetted Jr's slumming adventure.

  Quote from orig post *** "I normally see this family member, go to lunch, go out and have fun" *
 - I suppose they were just waiting to spring this malfeasance on you the whole time they were pretending to have fun with you over the years IslndFI girl . Sarcasm.
 

You'd be surprised. Money brings out true colours.

OP didn't specify what inheritance the other family members received (if anything, they may not have been a direct descendant like OP). Nonetheless, it's OP's house, not the other family members, and she does not have to be generous and "let" anyone use it for any purpose.

The right thing to do would be to sell the house ASAP. Especially if it is preferable to do it for tax reasons - if there are exemptions from capital gains taxes for inherited assets sold within a certain time period for example.

[WalkaboutStache]

Where did this take place?  Your name makes me think perhaps Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Caribbean.  I ask because there may be cultural factors at play here.  They agreed to keep an eye on the house for you because you are family and may have thought that it would be ok for the "kid" to crash there until you sold it or while he was in between homes.

I know it sounds weird, but some of my Hawaiian friends would think nothing of it. For those friends, that’s what family does (multi-generational households, cousins that live with other family members, etc.).  They may even have thought of it as a fair exchange since they were watching the house anyway.  I am not saying that everyone in those islands does that, but in my experience it is not uncommon.

They may also overstay their welcome, so you were not unreasonable with your concern.

If you want to maintain a good you can call the parent and explain the source of your concern.  You don’t have to, but if your goal is to avoid drama and if my assumptions above are not unreasonable, reaching out might not be bad.

I also assume that there are no other family issues swirling around this

[Metalcat]

If avoiding drama is what you want, then let it go and don't think about it any further.

If righteous indignation and justice is what you want, then confront the parent and get to the bottom of whether or not they knew their son was planning on squatting and make it known that you feel taken advantage of.

Your actions of evicting the son and changing the locks are firm and unambiguous already. Your point is made very clearly. Now it all comes down to your priority: moving past it or making your displeasure known.

Family drama is unavoidable.
How you decide to handle it is up to you.

[Maenad]

Your actions of evicting the son and changing the locks are firm and unambiguous already. Your point is made very clearly.

That's a really good point - they know you're mad, they know they overstepped. If anyone needs to smooth things over, it's them. If it was me in this situation, I'd pull back a bit from the family member that gave them the key, since I now know I couldn't trust them. Set new boundaries that make you comfortable, and move on with those in place. If your family doesn't like it, they can bring up the topic.

They may be letting you cool off a bit before having a discussion, which you can use to your advantage. Being able to calmly state your piece, even if they start guilt-tripping, will put you in a much better place. And if they gossip about you with other family members, so what? Gossiping behind someone's back makes the gossiper look bad, not their target.

Check out Captain Awkward's archives for some great advice on dealing with family drama. It can help you decide on what your boundaries are and how to defend them without getting drawn in.

[IslandFiGirl]

Where did this take place?  Your name makes me think perhaps Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Caribbean.  I ask because there may be cultural factors at play here.  They agreed to keep an eye on the house for you because you are family and may have thought that it would be ok for the "kid" to crash there until you sold it or while he was in between homes.

I know it sounds weird, but some of my Hawaiian friends would think nothing of it. For those friends, that’s what family does (multi-generational households, cousins that live with other family members, etc.).  They may even have thought of it as a fair exchange since they were watching the house anyway.  I am not saying that everyone in those islands does that, but in my experience it is not uncommon.

They may also overstay their welcome, so you were not unreasonable with your concern.

If you want to maintain a good you can call the parent and explain the source of your concern.  You don’t have to, but if your goal is to avoid drama and if my assumptions above are not unreasonable, reaching out might not be bad.

I also assume that there are no other family issues swirling around this

Sorry if the username caused confusion.  I just like islands...this happened in the midwest USA, where there aren't a lot of cultural family expectations.  The "kid" in question is in his 40's...I don't know him well and it's becoming clear that he can't hold a job, support himself, etc. 

[IslandFiGirl]

  Youch --- i just read the 2 replies that landed before mine - How about the Orig Poster assumes for a moment that the parents didn't on purpose move Junior into the house. Its not like the other relative [ that called with the warning] said  " I saw your Aunty/uncle with a moving truck carrying mattresses and Jr's comic book collection into your parents old house...."  - Be mad at the wayward 20 something yr old for being tempted to squat, but i'm not sure how we see that aunty/uncle purposely aided and abetted Jr's slumming adventure.

  Quote from orig post *** "I normally see this family member, go to lunch, go out and have fun" *
 - I suppose they were just waiting to spring this malfeasance on you the whole time they were pretending to have fun with you over the years IslndFI girl . Sarcasm.
 

You'd be surprised. Money brings out true colours.

OP didn't specify what inheritance the other family members received (if anything, they may not have been a direct descendant like OP). Nonetheless, it's OP's house, not the other family members, and she does not have to be generous and "let" anyone use it for any purpose.

The right thing to do would be to sell the house ASAP. Especially if it is preferable to do it for tax reasons - if there are exemptions from capital gains taxes for inherited assets sold within a certain time period for example.

I'm starting to see that money can make people ugly and that makes me sad.  Nobody else inherited anything, I'm an only child, so it all went to me.  I have given all of the family members many many many things from the house, things they wanted.  They weren't greedy about it at all and waited to be offered and I was only too happy to pass the things along since they meant something to them.  I think my family has the perception that I inherited so much so I should be more than happy to allow him to live there, because, poor him, he can't catch a break.  I see it differently...I've worked since I was 16 with no break, got married, raised kids, got divorced.  Managed to do pretty well for myself.  I was responsible and supported myself my entire life and I'm not at all interested in enabling someone who will not help himself.  I think I've learned a big lesson here.  Although I used to love to talk about how to handle money, debt reduction, investing, etc, I think I will not discuss money at all, ever and just live my life as if I have none.  Money makes some people weird and too many people have the "what's mine is yours" mentality, which I totally don't understand!  This turned into a vent, haha, thanks for responding! 

[KBecks]

I think you handled this well and got the family member out of the house. Continue with your plans to sell the house and move on.  In terms of dealing with the family members who passed along the key, you already had one conversation. I would not trust them with anything financial or security-related like this *ever again*, like never, and keep them out of your financial life under all circumstances. But as long as you are feeling cordial, you can still go to lunch.  If you don't feel like going to lunch, just don't.  The ball is in your court.

The main thing is that some of your family members took advantage of you, and you are correct to be upset.  Now you have learned a little more about these people, and you can decide where to take it from here.

Your other famiily member who alerted you -- go out to lunch with them.

[marty998]

  Youch --- i just read the 2 replies that landed before mine - How about the Orig Poster assumes for a moment that the parents didn't on purpose move Junior into the house. Its not like the other relative [ that called with the warning] said  " I saw your Aunty/uncle with a moving truck carrying mattresses and Jr's comic book collection into your parents old house...."  - Be mad at the wayward 20 something yr old for being tempted to squat, but i'm not sure how we see that aunty/uncle purposely aided and abetted Jr's slumming adventure.

  Quote from orig post *** "I normally see this family member, go to lunch, go out and have fun" *
 - I suppose they were just waiting to spring this malfeasance on you the whole time they were pretending to have fun with you over the years IslndFI girl . Sarcasm.
 

You'd be surprised. Money brings out true colours.

OP didn't specify what inheritance the other family members received (if anything, they may not have been a direct descendant like OP). Nonetheless, it's OP's house, not the other family members, and she does not have to be generous and "let" anyone use it for any purpose.

The right thing to do would be to sell the house ASAP. Especially if it is preferable to do it for tax reasons - if there are exemptions from capital gains taxes for inherited assets sold within a certain time period for example.

I'm starting to see that money can make people ugly and that makes me sad.  Nobody else inherited anything, I'm an only child, so it all went to me.  I have given all of the family members many many many things from the house, things they wanted.  They weren't greedy about it at all and waited to be offered and I was only too happy to pass the things along since they meant something to them.  I think my family has the perception that I inherited so much so I should be more than happy to allow him to live there, because, poor him, he can't catch a break.  I see it differently...I've worked since I was 16 with no break, got married, raised kids, got divorced.  Managed to do pretty well for myself.  I was responsible and supported myself my entire life and I'm not at all interested in enabling someone who will not help himself.  I think I've learned a big lesson here.  Although I used to love to talk about how to handle money, debt reduction, investing, etc, I think I will not discuss money at all, ever and just live my life as if I have none.  Money makes some people weird and too many people have the "what's mine is yours" mentality, which I totally don't understand!  This turned into a vent, haha, thanks for responding!

Well said IslandFiGirl, good to know you have this under control.

[Montecarlo]

Sounds like there was a problem, and the problem is fixed.  Why do anything else?

[Goldy]

Sounds like there was a problem, and the problem is fixed.  Why do anything else?

+1