Author Topic: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?  (Read 11643 times)

firemoney

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #100 on: March 15, 2021, 05:12:52 PM »
Well congratulations on getting the money back, that's great .

 Did the MIL sell the cabin to come up with the $$ money ??

 It's been about 3.5 months since the last posts in this thread, and all things considered, [whether she sold the cabin or came up with the repayment money in some other fashion], waiting an additional 14 weeks since the original postings, to get the full 38K repair money paid back , from a person who possibly only had $20K liquid in November, seems to be a relatively quick resolution.

 Unsure how she would have paid you back without talking with you or your wife - [ unless she sent a check ? ] -  but it's probably a good time for your wife to call her and thank her for repaying the $$.


I,have no idea how she came up with the money, nor do I care. Not my responsibility. I was paid in two installments, and I cashed the first cheque early. It was post dated and I cashed it Friday after close so it didn’t “cash” until Monday. No biggie but her bank called her anyway. No NSF but the second cheque came with a sanity letter explaining how post dating cheques work, etc.

At my wife’s direction I didn’t acknowledge the second cheque.

Her normally neutral sister has snubbed us. She’s too upset to call and find out why (mom has talked shit about us??). At the end of the day I don’t like them any ways so now we have a reason to not see them.

firemoney

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #101 on: March 15, 2021, 05:20:57 PM »
Well, I'm happy for you that you got your money back.

On the other hand, you are, by your own admission, still upset; your MIL is pissed; your wife and her mother are not on speaking terms.

Not exactly a happy ending. I'm sorry.

I’m upset because I’ve done lots for mom and her family over the past years. Not just at the cabin, but day to day stuff, dealing with the death of dad, etc.

To be called a bossy controlling manipulative person who took advantage of a grieving widow to “get what I want” (I never wanted to buy the cabin ) is over the top.

I feel for my wife, but personally if I never speak to mom,again it’s her loss, not mine. There will come a day when she starts “getting older”, falling, etc and she’s on her own.

BIL I’m just done with. I’d like to talk to him and tell him what a piece of,garbage he is, but he won’t care. He got what he wanted which was us not owning the whole cabin.

So,happy ending because we don’t own a cabin that comes with its own “not right in the head” fixture, but family wise yes pretty sad. Oh,well we didn’t do anything wrong, and her poor parenting has now bit her in the ass and basically she has him only.

Wife’s eyes are finally opened that nobody gives two,fucks about her. Look after yourself, then your immediate family, and fuck everyone else.

I suspect mom will tire of attending a cabin that will be used exclusively by her son to drink, smoke pot, and snort coke.

As ye sow, so shall she reap

Villanelle

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #102 on: March 15, 2021, 05:50:33 PM »
Well, I'm happy for you that you got your money back.

On the other hand, you are, by your own admission, still upset; your MIL is pissed; your wife and her mother are not on speaking terms.

Not exactly a happy ending. I'm sorry.

I’m upset because I’ve done lots for mom and her family over the past years. Not just at the cabin, but day to day stuff, dealing with the death of dad, etc.

To be called a bossy controlling manipulative person who took advantage of a grieving widow to “get what I want” (I never wanted to buy the cabin ) is over the top.

I feel for my wife, but personally if I never speak to mom,again it’s her loss, not mine. There will come a day when she starts “getting older”, falling, etc and she’s on her own.

BIL I’m just done with. I’d like to talk to him and tell him what a piece of,garbage he is, but he won’t care. He got what he wanted which was us not owning the whole cabin.

So,happy ending because we don’t own a cabin that comes with its own “not right in the head” fixture, but family wise yes pretty sad. Oh,well we didn’t do anything wrong, and her poor parenting has now bit her in the ass and basically she has him only.

Wife’s eyes are finally opened that nobody gives two,fucks about her. Look after yourself, then your immediate family, and fuck everyone else.

I suspect mom will tire of attending a cabin that will be used exclusively by her son to drink, smoke pot, and snort coke.

As ye sow, so shall she reap

Indeed.

I hope you are able to find peace with the situation and the people in it. 

Malcat

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #103 on: March 16, 2021, 10:27:05 AM »
I really feel for your wife in this.

Be cautious, her open eyes may only be temporary. You could be heading for conflict of she's much quicker to forgive than you are.

firemoney

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #104 on: March 16, 2021, 03:31:48 PM »
I really feel for your wife in this.

Be cautious, her open eyes may only be temporary. You could be heading for conflict of she's much quicker to forgive than you are.


She always defended,her brother. “He’s sad, he’s,depressed, he’s,grieving, he’s,whatever......”. Anytime I pointed out that he was a sociopath, selfish and only cares,for himself she became defensive. Even ok’d daughter “lending” him money.

He knows how special the,cabin is to,her. When he told mommy he’d rather her sell to an outsider instead of selling 100% to,us was the turning point.

He threw her under the bus, and “if I can’t own part of the cabin (for free) then NO ONE will,eve use it”. Just a horrible person.

At this point I’m not expecting an apology, and I’ll,basically cut her out for,good.


Malcat

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #105 on: March 16, 2021, 05:18:00 PM »
I really feel for your wife in this.

Be cautious, her open eyes may only be temporary. You could be heading for conflict of she's much quicker to forgive than you are.


She always defended,her brother. “He’s sad, he’s,depressed, he’s,grieving, he’s,whatever......”. Anytime I pointed out that he was a sociopath, selfish and only cares,for himself she became defensive. Even ok’d daughter “lending” him money.

He knows how special the,cabin is to,her. When he told mommy he’d rather her sell to an outsider instead of selling 100% to,us was the turning point.

He threw her under the bus, and “if I can’t own part of the cabin (for free) then NO ONE will,eve use it”. Just a horrible person.

At this point I’m not expecting an apology, and I’ll,basically cut her out for,good.

Then I repeat myself. Be careful, because your wife might eventually decide that family is worth forgiving, no matter how angry she is right now.

firemoney

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #106 on: March 16, 2021, 05:20:52 PM »
I really feel for your wife in this.

Be cautious, her open eyes may only be temporary. You could be heading for conflict of she's much quicker to forgive than you are.


She always defended,her brother. “He’s sad, he’s,depressed, he’s,grieving, he’s,whatever......”. Anytime I pointed out that he was a sociopath, selfish and only cares,for himself she became defensive. Even ok’d daughter “lending” him money.

He knows how special the,cabin is to,her. When he told mommy he’d rather her sell to an outsider instead of selling 100% to,us was the turning point.

He threw her under the bus, and “if I can’t own part of the cabin (for free) then NO ONE will,eve use it”. Just a horrible person.

At this point I’m not expecting an apology, and I’ll,basically cut her out for,good.

Then I repeat myself. Be careful, because your wife might eventually decide that family is worth forgiving, no matter how angry she is right now.

She can forgive all she wants. Mom can apologize too. But things will never be the same even if she does. Somethings you can’t take back. Words are like bullets sometimes.

I’m fine with whatever relationship she decides to have with her,family. Her brother and I are done. Mom and I can mend fences. The important thing is no more cabin.

frugledoc

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #107 on: March 17, 2021, 07:30:52 AM »
Jeff has narcissistic personality disorder enabled by his mum.  There is NOTHING you can do but stay out of it completely and enforce strict boundaries

firemoney

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #108 on: March 17, 2021, 08:29:13 AM »
Jeff has narcissistic personality disorder enabled by his mum.  There is NOTHING you can do but stay out of it completely and enforce strict boundaries

That’s the plan. I have a few personal items to remove from the cabin. That will be the last time I go there.

BIL is dead to me. My relationship with MIL depends on wife. If she’s dead to wife I’m ok with that. If wife wants to mend fences I’ll play along, but absolutely no business transactions. I’ll be polite, but no more help.

Boundaries will be set. No more phone calls or complaints about Jeff. None of my business so don’t make it my business.

If he won’t help you, yells at you, starts beating you black and blue, none of my business. Enjoy the mess you created.

She’s painted herself into a corner. She can’t afford the cabin, but if she sells to an “outsider”, even though Jeff has told her that’s what he wants all bets are off.

He will lose his mind and possibly shoot himself and possibly others.

At the very least he will break into the cabin after it’s sold and take a shit in it. Burning it down or shooting the new owners is on the table too.

This guy IS that crazy.  He may just end up shooting himself in the cabin rendering it not a fun place.

mozar

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #109 on: March 17, 2021, 01:01:43 PM »
If Jeff has threatened you or any one else please report this to the police.

firemoney

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #110 on: March 17, 2021, 02:10:25 PM »
Official charges were never laid, but the appropriate law enforcement agencies were notified and its “on record”.

Not that it stop him from shooting anyone but it’s a start should there be any other incidents.

I suspect the cabin neighbors will “officially” start complaining on him.

skp

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #111 on: March 19, 2021, 08:43:21 AM »
You do know how post dated checks work don't you?  Might be a no biggy to you, but I've done it several times for my children when I see them to save a stamp and I'd be pissed if they cashed it early.  I like to allow extra time for funds to clear.

firemoney

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #112 on: March 19, 2021, 01:48:09 PM »
#1. Check what site you posted on. Realize that virtual "facepunches" are often given when you're doing something stupid. If you come asking for help with something, and you have a problem realizing that part of the problem is you...expect to get called out on it.

#2. Regardless of what you WANT to believe, you are part of the problem here. But there is power in understanding this. It gives you more control over the situation. How can you fix a problem if you don't even understand the problem itself, what caused it, etc.? Remember, knowing is half the battle!

#3. Lists with only two items are stupid, so I always make sure to have at least a third.

Ok, so exactly WHAT went wrong? Well, we're only getting half of the story (actually less, there are more than two players here). I'll make assumptions and insert my own life experiences in some places, so maybe I'm not 100% spot-on. I bet I'm pretty close on some of the major stuff though.

The patriarch of the family wants you to look after "his girls", and you promise to do so. Being a man, you take that VERY seriously. Ok, nothing wrong with that so far. But...what exactly does that entail? Did he give specific instructions, such as "I expect you to buy a house for my wife to live in rent free."? I'm guessing no. So...it's open for interpretation. You can't FORCE your help on anyone; even if you do, they'll likely resist and make it harder to actually help...which isn't helping them now is it?

Did he tell you he wanted the cabin to go to his son? Or is that something everyone else is saying? Because if the will said it went solely to his wife...that was him literally saying "I want my wife to have this cabin to do with as she pleases." It's very possible he said different things to different people, but to the people who actually decide who gets what, he said that his wife gets it. So it's hers. She can give it to the son if she wants. There's a mortgage? Have him get a mortgage in his name. He can't? Sell it, give him whatever's left over. If she wants to do something else...it's hers to do whatever she wants. You can help or not.

Stepping in and trying to force rules on the son/brother is NOT helping any of "his girls". So do NOT try to do so. That means you need to actively avoid any situation that would see you "needing" to enforce any rule on him. I understand the "my house, my rules" mentality and for the most part agree with it. So...don't allow him at YOUR house. You want a cabin where he's not allowed? Buy a cabin, and don't let him visit. Too easy! Do NOT buy the family cabin that they see as partially his just so you can tell him what he can and can't do. Anyone can tell from a mile away that this will create some kind of issue.

Is the mother coming to you begging for money? Well, you don't have any because you: have to pay for repairs on your own house/are broke (because you dumped all the extra money into retirement accounts)/don't want to mix money with family/just bought a cabin, would she like to visit? You can offer advice. Perhaps she can get a second mortgage to make repairs; if she can't afford the mortgage, explain that she should ask a realtor their advice...if she can spend $40k in repairs to get an extra $45k...well that extra $5k will go to the realtor anyway, so just sell as-is. But if we're talking $40k to even be able to sell it in the first place...ok, you can advise her to get the mortgage only to make repairs to sell it...if she tries to keep it they'll end up taking the house and she'll be left with nothing. Don't co-sign anything, this way you're not on the hook for WHEN things go south.

The problem (or should I say, one of the problems) of how you handled it is that you don't know how she got the funds to pay you back. If all goes well...no harm done. But if her debt ends up spiraling out of control and she ends up on the street...well it's YOUR fault because she had to get a loan to pay YOU back. Yes, I understand; I'm saying this is how it'll be twisted, how others will view it, etc. If this happened because she defaulted on a loan to fix the cabin...not your fault (or at least, not entirely). But if it happened because she defaulted on a loan to pay YOU back...suddenly it's 100% your fault. Just one of MANY reasons to not mix family with finances. Do everything you can to not get in this situation again. If she wants to borrow money, tell her you absolutely hate what happened the last time and don't want a repeat. If it's an actual dire emergency, "loan" her an amount you're comfortable with gifting. No interest, no payment schedules, just the knowledge that this is it, and she can expect no further "loans" until this one has been repaid. You have an easy out for any further loan requests.

It is still possible to honor the promise you made. You just need to acknowledge that you can't fix everything, and sometimes the best way to help someone is to offer to help figure out a solution to a problem. Realize that trying to force someone to help themselves will almost always backfire, so you may not be able to keep them from getting into a bad place. But you can try to help. Realize that the person you made this promise to did not do everything in his power to make it possible to honor the promise, and that you're simply going to do the best you are able given the circumstances.

Seriously, stepping away will likely be the most helpful for the mother. Pointing out that selling and giving the money to the son may be the best advice you can give, even if it's not followed. Helping ensure that your wife does not HAVE to interact with her brother if she doesn't want to will fulfill the promise to take care of her. And if she does choose to have a relationship with him, then informing her of what to expect and letting her make her own decision on how to proceed is allowing her to be her own person...which again, helps to fulfill the promise to take care of her.

Good luck.

You have either not,read what I wrote, or you do not understand , or I didn’t explain properly. Maybe a combination

I’m not the problem. The brother in law is.

All of my assets went to the mother in law, regardless of what was promised to who when both parents died.

Life happens, and life isn’t,fair.

At the end of the day moms life unfolded and she needed financial help in the form of selling “half the cabin”

We had concerns of owning half of a cabin with an unemployed, alcoholic, drug,addict, lazy , entitled selfish (and soon to discover a complete sociopath)

We had a deal that everyone,was happy with (except brother in law)

End of the day MIL caved in once,again,to son. This is the whole problem. He’s never had to deal with consequences of bad decisions.

If I have any fault it’s that I believed mommy that dad was the enabler, and that Jeff would fall in line and become a better person so that he keeps getting invited to the,cabin. He chose to dig in and be mad he wasn’t “getting the cabin”.

I didn’t work my whole life and save money so that others can benifit at my expense.

People here should understand that.

I can sum the whole thing up:

1.I thought I was buying a cabin

2. Wife thought we were buying the “family cabin”

3. Jeff thought we were buying him a cabin.

4. Mom thought we were giv9ng her money but it was still the family cabin and Jeff could come out as often as he wanted.  And didn’t have to contribute, and it’s ok to tell the people who were now paying for everything to “go,fuck yourself, you can’t tell me what to do! Nobody fucking controls me!”

Dad didn’t make me promise,anything. I promised him I’d look out for the girls.

firemoney

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #113 on: March 19, 2021, 01:51:24 PM »
You do know how post dated checks work don't you?  Might be a no biggy to you, but I've done it several times for my children when I see them to save a stamp and I'd be pissed if they cashed it early.  I like to allow extra time for funds to clear.

Please read carefully what I wrote.

The,cheque was cashed Friday AFTER CLOSE. It never is, never has been, nor will it ever be a problem.

The cheque cleared on Monday (the post date) and all was good.

For some reason her bank called her. No NSF no nothing. Basically a non issue. Mommy simply used this as an opportunity to take a shot at me because I’m the enemy who has attacked baby Jeff.

I get it he’s her baby boy, but I’d seriously be ashamed of he were my kid. 

Kris

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #114 on: June 05, 2021, 03:04:35 PM »
Welp, I think another piece of this puzzle might be that Firemoney has some pretty significant anger issues.

https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/lets-talk-new-bike-for-wife/msg2851440/#msg2851440

mistymoney

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #115 on: June 05, 2021, 06:10:57 PM »
what a looney toon!

I was kind of suspecting that Jeff wasn't the real problem, but that about cinches it.

Cassie

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #116 on: June 05, 2021, 06:50:12 PM »
Jeff is definitely not the problem:)). His poor wife.

gooki

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #117 on: June 05, 2021, 10:18:19 PM »
I disagree.

PS get a front suspension mountain bike with hydraulic disc brakes for your wife.  Most hybrid bikes have cheap components, so you're better of with a mid range mountain bike with road/gravel tires.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2021, 10:25:00 PM by gooki »

FINate

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #118 on: June 06, 2021, 10:22:20 PM »
I disagree.

PS get a front suspension mountain bike with hydraulic disc brakes for your wife.  Most hybrid bikes have cheap components, so you're better of with a mid range mountain bike with road/gravel tires.

A mid range hard-tail mountain bike runs around $1000-$1500 USD. They're great... for mountain biking. About 5 years ago my wife bought a $400 hybrid bike that she rides around town. No problems whatsoever. We don't even maintain it except putting air in the tires. Casual riders are unlikely wear out components on any halfway decent bike (not a Walmart bike), even if the quality isn't the best. And we worry less about it getting stolen. But you do you.

yachi

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Re: Enabling mother in law causes issues, how to deal?
« Reply #119 on: June 07, 2021, 09:06:57 AM »
Jeff is definitely not the problem:)). His poor wife.

Plot twist: What if Jeff is actually firemoney's alternate ego, and comes out when pointing out Covid landmines in threads he started, and drinking beer in person...