#1. Check what site you posted on. Realize that virtual "facepunches" are often given when you're doing something stupid. If you come asking for help with something, and you have a problem realizing that part of the problem is you...expect to get called out on it.
#2. Regardless of what you WANT to believe, you are part of the problem here. But there is power in understanding this. It gives you more control over the situation. How can you fix a problem if you don't even understand the problem itself, what caused it, etc.? Remember, knowing is half the battle!
#3. Lists with only two items are stupid, so I always make sure to have at least a third.
Ok, so exactly WHAT went wrong? Well, we're only getting half of the story (actually less, there are more than two players here). I'll make assumptions and insert my own life experiences in some places, so maybe I'm not 100% spot-on. I bet I'm pretty close on some of the major stuff though.
The patriarch of the family wants you to look after "his girls", and you promise to do so. Being a man, you take that VERY seriously. Ok, nothing wrong with that so far. But...what exactly does that entail? Did he give specific instructions, such as "I expect you to buy a house for my wife to live in rent free."? I'm guessing no. So...it's open for interpretation. You can't FORCE your help on anyone; even if you do, they'll likely resist and make it harder to actually help...which isn't helping them now is it?
Did he tell you he wanted the cabin to go to his son? Or is that something everyone else is saying? Because if the will said it went solely to his wife...that was him literally saying "I want my wife to have this cabin to do with as she pleases." It's very possible he said different things to different people, but to the people who actually decide who gets what, he said that his wife gets it. So it's hers. She can give it to the son if she wants. There's a mortgage? Have him get a mortgage in his name. He can't? Sell it, give him whatever's left over. If she wants to do something else...it's hers to do whatever she wants. You can help or not.
Stepping in and trying to force rules on the son/brother is NOT helping any of "his girls". So do NOT try to do so. That means you need to actively avoid any situation that would see you "needing" to enforce any rule on him. I understand the "my house, my rules" mentality and for the most part agree with it. So...don't allow him at YOUR house. You want a cabin where he's not allowed? Buy a cabin, and don't let him visit. Too easy! Do NOT buy the family cabin that they see as partially his just so you can tell him what he can and can't do. Anyone can tell from a mile away that this will create some kind of issue.
Is the mother coming to you begging for money? Well, you don't have any because you: have to pay for repairs on your own house/are broke (because you dumped all the extra money into retirement accounts)/don't want to mix money with family/just bought a cabin, would she like to visit? You can offer advice. Perhaps she can get a second mortgage to make repairs; if she can't afford the mortgage, explain that she should ask a realtor their advice...if she can spend $40k in repairs to get an extra $45k...well that extra $5k will go to the realtor anyway, so just sell as-is. But if we're talking $40k to even be able to sell it in the first place...ok, you can advise her to get the mortgage only to make repairs to sell it...if she tries to keep it they'll end up taking the house and she'll be left with nothing. Don't co-sign anything, this way you're not on the hook for WHEN things go south.
The problem (or should I say, one of the problems) of how you handled it is that you don't know how she got the funds to pay you back. If all goes well...no harm done. But if her debt ends up spiraling out of control and she ends up on the street...well it's YOUR fault because she had to get a loan to pay YOU back. Yes, I understand; I'm saying this is how it'll be twisted, how others will view it, etc. If this happened because she defaulted on a loan to fix the cabin...not your fault (or at least, not entirely). But if it happened because she defaulted on a loan to pay YOU back...suddenly it's 100% your fault. Just one of MANY reasons to not mix family with finances. Do everything you can to not get in this situation again. If she wants to borrow money, tell her you absolutely hate what happened the last time and don't want a repeat. If it's an actual dire emergency, "loan" her an amount you're comfortable with gifting. No interest, no payment schedules, just the knowledge that this is it, and she can expect no further "loans" until this one has been repaid. You have an easy out for any further loan requests.
It is still possible to honor the promise you made. You just need to acknowledge that you can't fix everything, and sometimes the best way to help someone is to offer to help figure out a solution to a problem. Realize that trying to force someone to help themselves will almost always backfire, so you may not be able to keep them from getting into a bad place. But you can try to help. Realize that the person you made this promise to did not do everything in his power to make it possible to honor the promise, and that you're simply going to do the best you are able given the circumstances.
Seriously, stepping away will likely be the most helpful for the mother. Pointing out that selling and giving the money to the son may be the best advice you can give, even if it's not followed. Helping ensure that your wife does not HAVE to interact with her brother if she doesn't want to will fulfill the promise to take care of her. And if she does choose to have a relationship with him, then informing her of what to expect and letting her make her own decision on how to proceed is allowing her to be her own person...which again, helps to fulfill the promise to take care of her.
Good luck.
You have either not,read what I wrote, or you do not understand , or I didn’t explain properly. Maybe a combination
I’m not the problem. The brother in law is.
All of my assets went to the mother in law, regardless of what was promised to who when both parents died.
Life happens, and life isn’t,fair.
At the end of the day moms life unfolded and she needed financial help in the form of selling “half the cabin”
We had concerns of owning half of a cabin with an unemployed, alcoholic, drug,addict, lazy , entitled selfish (and soon to discover a complete sociopath)
We had a deal that everyone,was happy with (except brother in law)
End of the day MIL caved in once,again,to son. This is the whole problem. He’s never had to deal with consequences of bad decisions.
If I have any fault it’s that I believed mommy that dad was the enabler, and that Jeff would fall in line and become a better person so that he keeps getting invited to the,cabin. He chose to dig in and be mad he wasn’t “getting the cabin”.
I didn’t work my whole life and save money so that others can benifit at my expense.
People here should understand that.
I can sum the whole thing up:
1.I thought I was buying a cabin
2. Wife thought we were buying the “family cabin”
3. Jeff thought we were buying him a cabin.
4. Mom thought we were giv9ng her money but it was still the family cabin and Jeff could come out as often as he wanted. And didn’t have to contribute, and it’s ok to tell the people who were now paying for everything to “go,fuck yourself, you can’t tell me what to do! Nobody fucking controls me!”
Dad didn’t make me promise,anything. I promised him I’d look out for the girls.
