Elderly parent new relationship — things to watch for?

[Fru-Gal]

Deleted, but thanks all for the replies!

[aloevera1]

Wow navigating this sounds like a legit minefield.

I think one important question for you to ponder is to think how far in your meddling would you want to go? How much risk of damaging relationship over your suspicion do you want to have?

If your parent as is in love as you say, it may be very unpleasant for them to hear any cautions from you. You may get horrible knee jerk reactions from them and lose visibility into what is happening.

The other questions I am unclear on - how mentally fit is your parent? Are they able to make sound decisions for themselves outside of this love story? If yes, I would probably back off and let them deal with their life. If you feel like they are not mentally sharp anymore, maybe this warrants more watching...

If they are fit to make decisions, they are free to make any decisions, including finding a new partner.. there is not much you could do about that.

I would personally be wary about any legal documents signed and will try to slow down your partner, advise to get their own lawyer (if they don't have one).

Try to encourage them not to share financial data. You can present it not as a risk related to the new partner but more like "third party risk". E.g. what if a new partner has untrustworthy people coming into their house and they see/steal bank account info???

I would also probably try and meet this other person. Maybe seeing their interaction together will help you to process your worry.

These are first things that came to mind... maybe will think of more stuff later.

[SunnyDays]

I would just be pleasant from a distance.  “I hope you’ll be happy with New Partner.  Good luck to you.  Make sure you have travel health insurance.”  Nothing more.  Your mom is still mentally competent and active, has money and knows what she wants.  The fact the new guy is wanting a prenup is a good sign.

Given that she has put a knife in your face, regardless of your provocation, this should make you very cautious.  If these two are still together 6 months from now, and you want to meet him, then do so.  You’ll have a better sense where things are headed by then.

In your position, I would not offer advice or voice concerns right now.  She has a right to do what she wants and will likely resent any input, however it turns out.  It sounds like your relationship with her is shaky enough.

(As a Canadian, be aware that our health system is failing apart and a 24 hour wait in an ER is not uncommon.  Plus if she needs to be admitted, chances are good that she will spend many hours to days on a stretcher in the ER, possibly in the hallway, because there are too few beds available in the actual wards.  It’s brutal.)

[GilesMM]

I would just be pleasant from a distance.  “I hope you’ll be happy with New Partner.  Good luck to you.  Make sure you have travel health insurance.”  Nothing more.  Your mom is still mentally competent and active, has money and knows what she wants.  The fact the new guy is wanting a prenup is a good sign.

Given that she has put a knife in your face, regardless of your provocation, this should make you very cautious.  If these two are still together 6 months from now, and you want to meet him, then do so.  You’ll have a better sense where things are headed by then.

In your position, I would not offer advice or voice concerns right now.  She has a right to do what she wants and will likely resent any input, however it turns out.  It sounds like your relationship with her is shaky enough.

(As a Canadian, be aware that our health system is failing apart and a 24 hour wait in an ER is not uncommon.  Plus if she needs to be admitted, chances are good that she will spend many hours to days on a stretcher in the ER, possibly in the hallway, because there are too few beds available in the actual wards.  It’s brutal.)

This. Leave it alone.  Your parent is an adult and free to make whatever choices they want in their pursuit of happiness.  Be supportive however you can or stay away if you can't be supportive.

[Dee18]

Why not meet the person?  It sounds like you would like to know what is going on with your parent as things move forward, assuming they do.  I imagine you would like to know if your parent had a sudden health issue while traveling abroad with this new companion. You are much more likely to be informed if you are acquainted.  You could exchange phone numbers and addresses.  You might even be surprised by liking the new person. Also, I once read that a person's immediately wanting a new relationship after the death of a spouse can be a sign of how much they valued their prior marriage.

[Dicey]

Why not meet the person?  It sounds like you would like to know what is going on with your parent as things move forward, assuming they do.  I imagine you would like to know if your parent had a sudden health issue while traveling abroad with this new companion. You are much more likely to be informed if you are acquainted.  You could exchange phone numbers and addresses.  You might even be surprised by liking the new person. Also, I once read that a person's immediately wanting a new relationship after the death of a spouse can be a sign of how much they valued their prior marriage.

DH and eloped less than a year after his wife of nearly 25 years died rather suddenly. She was his HS sweetheart, and he had never even kissed another girl. I am the beneficiary of his hard lessons learned. He is definitely a better husband to me, because he learned from his mistakes. BTW, he wasn't a bad husband to her...he was just less attentive/affectionate than he could have been. Life in general is easier for us, because we're not raising children, and we're both financially secure. 10/10 I'd do it again, the same way.

Fru-Gal, I missed the first post,  but your concern comes thrugh loud and clear.