Dying mom, dysfunctional family - advice?

[NotoriousBIG]

First - apologize for a non financial post on our financial forum. It's put here because over the years, I've been quite impressed with the collective wisdom, financial and otherwise.

Long story short, my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness. She lives with my dad and sibling. This sibling was a doctor who suffered some traumatic experience approx 20 years ago and has essentially been a withdrawn hermit for the last 20 years. The three of them coexist in a very toxic, co-dependent emotionally abusive relationship.

Maintaining a relationship with them for the past 2 decades has completely been on me. They don't visit, they don't invite me to visit, not at holidays, etc. Generally the only time I hear from them is to use me as an outlet for their venting and complaining and hoping I would intervene and referee the three of them where every passing day their interactions with each other is more and more toxic and child-like.

They have zero social circle outside the three of them.

With my mom's diagnosis, my sibling is losing their mind. My sibling has not become outwardly hostile and very angry towards me. It's nothing different from the last 20 years, just elevated in toxicity. I tried to tell my sibling that it needs to stop and we need to focus on mom's health. That turned into more personal attacks on me and my own family.

I tried to ask my mom to intervene, she said she would not.

At this point I feel like in order to protect my own sanity and preventing my kids from being exposed to this, I told my family that unless the toxicity ends, I cannot have a relationship with them.

It feels awful, I feel guilty, but I honestly don't know how much more abuse I can take. I feel like my folks have made their beds and it's time I let go and put myself and my children above my sibling (and by default my entire family).

Thanks for reading,
N

[Sibley]

You get into therapy. Because this sort of situation will screw with your head, has screwed with your head and is screwing with your head. Do not become your brother, who obviously desperately needs professional help and equally obviously never got it. Do not become your parents, who also need professional help and also never got it. GET INTO THERAPY.

No, therapy isn't going to fix anything. It won't work overnight. But a good therapist will be able to help you process your emotions, learn to set and enforce boundaries, recognize and begin to address dysfunctional traits that you carry. Honestly, you should have been in therapy decades ago.

Your children do not need grandparents. They do not need an uncle. Blood family relationships are optional. They do need their parent to be on their side. You no longer have parents or a brother, and you haven't for 20 years. It's not your fault, but it is your problem to deal with now.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with such a mess.

[reeshau]

You can't help anyone that doesn't want help.  It's sad to see from the outside in, but it's true.

You might wish for a closer, more socially "normal" relationship, but you have what you have.  Save yourself and your family first.  Be open to changes from the toxic relatives, but don't expect you can make them change.

Seconding the therapy recommendation.  Clearly, your Mom's diagnosis is affecting them.  It is affecting you, too.  Get a relationship going with a good therapist you are comfortable with, so they will be able to help you now, and prepare for when your Mom passes.

[jeninco]

Third-ing the therapy suggestion.

Also, one of my parents is horrid. My primary responsibility as a parent to my own children is to protect them from that BS (and to teach them to recognize it and make appropriate decisions). Once I realized this, the steps I needed to take really became clear. (Also, once I realized that, I recognized how much my own parents had failed in their responsibility to not expose ME to that crap.)

[SunnyDays]

You have no responsibility in this situation other than to yourself and your own family.  They have made it clear over the past 20 years that they do not value their relationship with you, sad to say.  Actions have consequences.  You owe them nothing, but do whatever you need to do to be at peace with the whole mess, therapy or otherwise.  You have no reason to feel guilty, because you have done nothing wrong. 

[curious_george]

It sounds like you're dealing with an incredibly challenging and emotionally taxing situation. I'm sorry to hear about your mother's illness and the toxicity within your family. It's completely understandable that you would want to prioritize your own well-being and that of your children, especially given the circumstances.

Setting boundaries in toxic relationships can be incredibly difficult, but it's often necessary for your own mental and emotional health. It's not selfish to prioritize yourself and your family's well-being. It's important to remember that you can't control how others behave, but you can control how you respond and what you allow into your life.

Feeling guilty is a natural response, but try to remind yourself that you're making this decision out of self-preservation and to create a healthier environment for yourself and your loved ones. It might be helpful to seek support from friends, other family members, or even a therapist to help you navigate this challenging time and process your feelings.

Ultimately you have to do what's best for you and your family. Take care of yourself, and remember that it's okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being.

ETA: You also have the right to not talk to them for a while. Just because someone is your family does not mean you have to endure their abuse. There are several abusive members in my biological family that I no longer talk to, or limit my contact with.

[Tasse]

You are entirely within your rights to refuse to participate in this relationship, and that is what you should do if it is impossible for you to have healthy boundaries within it.

However, it sounds like you are conflicted about doing this. I wonder if you have jumped straight to the idea of going no-contact because you can't imagine enforcing any lower-impact boundaries. For example, maybe you continue to stay in touch, but you leave/hang up if you hear any personal attacks. For another example, maybe you continue to stay in touch with mom and dad but not with sibling. (For the record, it's not your mom's job to intervene in your relationship with your sibling. She can't set those boundaries for you.)

Just to reiterate, I'm not saying you shouldn't cut them off; sometimes that is necessary. I am just asking if you have considered other options, because I don't have enough information from your post to assess that. I agree with the suggestion to get a therapist, who can help you think through those boundaries especially if anything between "let them walk all over me" and "no contact" feels overwhelming to you.

[NotoriousBIG]

I just want to say a big thank you for all those that read and responded. I agree with the comments full heartedly, it's just nice to hear it as it's often difficult to do the "right" thing when you'e stuck in the mud.

I appreciate the insight of whether this all or nothing approach is me shielding myself from having to enforce boundaries. I'll journal about that and take a deeper exploration. I do think I've tried and failed multiple times at a "soft" enforcement of boundaries but you're right, it's not anyone's responsibility but mine to enforce my boundaries.

I had previously seen therapists before and I will reach out to one that Ive connected with.

Again, a big thank you. May you all have a wonderful Friday (or whatever day it is where you are) and remember for all the things you're grateful for.

[FINate]

I agree with what others have already said here.

The only thing I would add is a suggestion to, if possible, find a way to say goodbye to your mom. I don't mean as an arbitrary societal obligation, but instead for you and your grieving process. However fraught the relationship, this is still a significant person in your life.

If she still has mobility getting her our of the toxic environment is your best bet. Her favorite lunch place, coffee, etc. If this isn't an option, then at least get the other family members out of the room so you can talk one on one. Maybe bring flowers to brighten up the room, her favorite beverage, etc. Having recently gone through very severe illness myself and being bed-ridden for long periods, I can say that an ankle/foot massage is like the best thing ever -- I know, this is a really personal thing, and depends on your comfort level and relational context. So please know these are just ideas, disregard freely.

Do not get involved in adjudicating issues between the three. You'll need to draw very clear and firm boundaries.

Do not get your kids involved.

If this isn't possible given the current dynamic that's totally fine. Or if you try and your mom isn't open to it that's also fine. At least you'll know that you tried to make the most of the small window of time before she's gone. But if it does work you may end up with a few good memories with her.

[Jade]

These quotes (and this book) have helped me alot with coming to terms with my relationship (or lack of) with my FOO.

You can love someone and still choose to say goodbye to them,”
"You can miss a person every day, and still be glad that they are no longer in your life.
Tara Westover, Educated

Also the idea of "false (or toxic) guilt" was a game changer for me. But as I'm sure you're aware, it's often a long and difficult process to unwind this stuff and the grip our FOO can have on our minds, even when they're so obviously behaving terribly towards us.

I never managed to find a good enough and trauma informed therapist myself but i've read a lot over the past five years on these dynamics on my own journey and Kris Godinez, Shahida Arabi and the outofthefog forum are my go-to websites for support. (I also second the captain awkward recommendation).

https://krisgodinez.com/
https://www.shahidaarabi.com/
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php

[JAYSLOL]

It’s natural to feel guilty about the thought of cutting family out of your life, but it sounds very much like these are extremely unwell people that have no boundaries to their toxicity, they have already essentially decided to cut you out of their life, and provide no benefit to you other than allowing you to avoid the guilt you might feel from cutting them out.  Doesn’t sound like a good deal to me.  I second seeing a real professional to talk about this, maybe they can give you tools to help them, or at least help heal yourself.  If it were me, I’d choose some guilt to work through rather than the continued emotional abuse and resulting resentment towards them of continuing to try to be in their life when they clearly don’t have the ability to allow that in a healthy way. 

[lhamo]

My family of origin is thankfully very healthy, but I have had to deal with some other toxic relationships/systems over the years.  In addition to therapy (with a good trauma-informed therapist if there is any trauma at all in your background -- it seeps into things in surprising ways including high levels of co-dependency with other traumatized individuals), here are a few of the resources I have found extremely helpful, in roughly the order I discovered them:

1) A book called Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud. 

https://www.amazon.com/Necessary-Endings-Henry-Cloud/

His book BOundaries is cited more often, but for me it was too overly religiously influence (still deconstructing from my evangelical upbringing 30-40 years after I started to doubt).  Necessary Endings is more secular, and IIRC has more of a focus on relationships in general rather than just family.  I found it extremely helpful when deciding to leave a toxic work environment.

2)  Captain Awkward. 

Her stuff is just pure GOLD for reinforcing how important healthy boundaries are for maintaining mental and physical health.  The archive is a treasure trove -- key word searches will turn up lots of useful stuff.

https://captainawkward.com/

3)  Issendai's "Sick Systems" and related posts.  Oldies but goodies:

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

Good luck and keep coming back here for support, too.

[lshrtwll]

If you have children - your primary responsibility is to them, not the family you were born into.

[NotoriousBIG]

Again, another thank you for all the suggestions. I've reconnected with my therapist, and started setting boundaries. I can look myself in the mirror and know that I'm trying my best and to start moving forward with less guilt/anger/hurt/etc.

I'm also reading up on some of the links provided, you guys are an amazing resource.

[Metalcat]

Well didn't y'all just frickin' handle this case beautifully.

[Dicey]

It's hard to follow pearls from @ Metalcat, but i second all the good advice that's been offered here.

I just want to make a point to you, @NotoriousBIG: they are absolutely incapable of changing anything about their lives, nor is it your responsibility to "fix" them. You can only change the way you react to them. Working on that will absolutely improve your life. You deserve that.