Author Topic: Doing (or failing at) household chores  (Read 13323 times)

MsPeacock

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #50 on: June 28, 2016, 07:28:09 PM »
Wondering if setting a specific day(s) for laundry to be done rather than depending on him noticing it needing to be done would help. E.g. m, w, and Saturday or whatever all wash gets done. Close enough together to avoid mildew.... Then he can set a reminder on his phone.

I was married, now divorced, to someone who was extremely passive-aggressive in the not-chore-doing way (and many others) and that does not at all sound like what you are describing. A bit disturbed that so many people jumped all over divorce over what seems to be a small problem.

I also second/third/whatever the recommendation of considering hiring someone to help out around the house, with laundry or otherwise. Almost no one enjoys cleaning house but most people like a clean house.  Sometimes bridging that gap with a housekeeper can go a long way towards restoring physical and emotional wellbeing. A housekeeper can also get an astounding amount of cleaning done in 3-4 hours, likely freeing up significantly more time than that for you/family to do other things.

Carless

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #51 on: June 28, 2016, 07:51:59 PM »
Maybe he hates laundry?  Can you swap for something less critical?

Radagast

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #52 on: June 28, 2016, 09:08:41 PM »
I expect Dear Wife and I have a housekeeper in our future once we both are working full time and/or have kids. Neither of us particularly cares about cleaning, doing chores, or having a clean house, and DW is actually incapable of perceiving dirt and clutter (it has to be seen to be believed). It is usually not an issue unless someone comes over. Even then, I can actually perceive the mess even if I only occasionally care to do something about it so it bugs me a little. I think working an extra three months before FIRE is an OK price to pay for that time to be clean, fun, and free of strife.

Lunasol

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #53 on: June 28, 2016, 09:20:15 PM »
I don't think you get the point ^

I don't advice on seeking a divorce either, but it's pretty clear to me that her DH is not begin considerate enough, and that's where being a grown up really comes into the picture. To me a grown up wouldn't forget these things, can't he see how tired you are? your DH needs to do more and to WANT to do more for you and the family.

Having her do everything herself and forgetting things and being pouty is especially inconsiderate in any situation, let alone forgetting that while she's carrying a baby in her belly and taking care of their older kid.

I'm really hoping he has AHDH and isn't just being a big baby.

Does the "pro-divorce/your husband sucks" crowd realize how rude they sound?

You and I both are speaking from our own perspective, far far away from OP and family, and that's what I see being a stranger

Had she wanted someone to speak wonders of her DH, she should've asked someone they know IRL, not a bunch of strangers on the internet

Ricksun

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #54 on: June 29, 2016, 04:36:54 AM »
If it's become that big of a stressor, there's obviously more work than either of you are WILLING to do.  That being said, cut something else in your budget and outsource some things to alleviate the burden.  Have a cleaning service come once a week or biweekly.  Take this out of your fun money... Redistribute the remaining chores based on preferences and past track record of getting them done.  Not mustascian I know, but will save lots of arguments.

meg_shannon

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #55 on: June 29, 2016, 05:45:19 AM »
I'm late to the game, and am not going to give relationship advice - seems like everything has already been said. If one issue, moldy toddler clothes, keeps occurring, figure out a systemic way to address it. I had the same problem. Our daughter loves to get filthy outside and went to an outdoor preschool - all that equals a lot of muddy, wet, little clothes. We had a little clothing tree (from IKEA I think), and I put it in the bathroom where we usually stripped her down. Her wet clothes got 'hung' up on that, and then come laundry time I would grab them off. No mold.

I hope you can get some quality sleep soon. Maybe consider taking a sick day so can rest? Exhaustion and lack of sleep are not small problems to push through.

Miss Piggy

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #56 on: June 29, 2016, 06:51:33 AM »
I have to agree about hanging up the wet stuff instead of throwing it in a pile. Seems like common sense to not put wet laundry in a pile, where it has very little chance of drying out.

Mongoose

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #57 on: June 29, 2016, 07:13:57 AM »
I have to agree about hanging up the wet stuff instead of throwing it in a pile. Seems like common sense to not put wet laundry in a pile, where it has very little chance of drying out.

This! This was my first thought as well. My DH sounds a lot like yours. He really does mean to do the things he says. But he gets lost in other tasks, the phone rings or life happens. Do I love coming home and cleaning it all up...no! But, after years of me getting upset over it, we decided to work around things.

My advice is to fix individual problems with the house setup (add a rack for toddlers clothes to dry on), declutter mercilessly and make easy to get to spots for everything, etc.

And, you're pregnant right? Plus have a toddler...and the toddler is having nightmares. Of course you're tired and struggling. I gave up and slept in my toddlers bed during the nightmare phase that occurred when I was pregnant with #2. Sleep was by far my priority. Take naps with your kiddo, go to bed early, hire some help while you're already doing so much. Hugs!

historienne

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #58 on: June 29, 2016, 07:15:50 AM »
As an aside, if you're in your first trimester, part of the problem may be that even a 50/50 division isn't going to feel fair to you (nor should it), because you are expending almost all of your own energy on growing a tiny human.  I'm about a month away from giving birth to my second child, and my husband has been doing 70-80% of the housework for most of this pregnancy.  We are usually pretty close to 50/50, but right now I do actually have a physical need to sleep for 10 hours a night.  The first trimester was even worse. We do try to split the care of our toddler evenly, because we want to maintain her relationship with both of us.  But the cleaning, laundry, etc - husband does most of that.

Tjat

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #59 on: June 29, 2016, 07:26:42 AM »
We started using an app called chorma. It lets us plan ongoing chores and assign (rotating or permanent). This gives me a solid list of what to do and when and allows my wife to plan out her hires so she doesn't fee like she needs to do it all right now before relaxing.

ReadySetMillionaire

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #60 on: June 29, 2016, 01:23:59 PM »
You and I both are speaking from our own perspective, far far away from OP and family, and that's what I see being a stranger

Had she wanted someone to speak wonders of her DH, she should've asked someone they know IRL, not a bunch of strangers on the internet

"It's the internet, so I can be way more harsh and unrealistic than if I was saying this to her face."

Imagine getting lunch with one of your friends. They open up to you about how their SO doesn't do chores and it causes X, Y, and Z problems. Would you offer constructive solutions, or jump straight to "DIVORCE" or "THREATEN TO SLEEP IN A HOTEL FOR A NIGHT" recommendations? Get real.

Lunasol

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #61 on: June 29, 2016, 03:54:07 PM »
You and I both are speaking from our own perspective, far far away from OP and family, and that's what I see being a stranger

Had she wanted someone to speak wonders of her DH, she should've asked someone they know IRL, not a bunch of strangers on the internet

"It's the internet, so I can be way more harsh and unrealistic than if I was saying this to her face."

Imagine getting lunch with one of your friends. They open up to you about how their SO doesn't do chores and it causes X, Y, and Z problems. Would you offer constructive solutions, or jump straight to "DIVORCE" or "THREATEN TO SLEEP IN A HOTEL FOR A NIGHT" recommendations? Get real.

Haha, again, how real can someone get on a message board? Seriously

I wasn't telling her to divorce, I pointed out I thought the husband was being inconsiderate, and that was my perspective and if you think her husband sounds dreamy, well, you keep telling her that

monstermonster

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #62 on: June 29, 2016, 05:19:42 PM »
As an aside, if you're in your first trimester, part of the problem may be that even a 50/50 division isn't going to feel fair to you (nor should it), because you are expending almost all of your own energy on growing a tiny human. 
Yes, this. Especially given you're not getting enough sleep because of little one right now.

There's a reason women are supposed to be treated like queens when they're pregnant. It's hard fucking work making another human.

mozar

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #63 on: June 29, 2016, 05:36:15 PM »
I think it's also a matter of thresh holds. Being lied to (saying you'll do something and then don't), being inconsiderate, letting things get to the point where I feel resentful, ARE grounds for divorce for me. I wouldn't be interested in dealing with someone who behaves like that. I  want the OP to raise her expectations of her husband. I think the suggestions for how to deal with chores/ hanging moldy laundry are great, but for me, doesn't solve the core issue.

KBecks

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #64 on: June 29, 2016, 06:30:58 PM »
Context is key.  In other threads, OP mentioned she is pregnant with her second child, less than a month in.

Talking about divorce is simply reading way too much into a big rant/vent...

Oh geesh, I didn't realize OP was pregnant.  Scratch the suggestion to stop at one child....! But I will reiterate that getting help might make a big difference.  At one point I had a housecleaner who also folded my laundry.  Yes it was a extravagance.  Yes it played a role in keeping my marriage together. 

One more thing that helped me tremendously.  I have a friend IRL who is in a similar situation to mine..... We are "newer" friends so it took some time to discover this.  But having her to vomit up all my negative feelings has been incredibly helpful.  Lots of people, including family and other close friends just couldn't relate in way that allowed me to open up honestly.  This friend gets it and expressing my honest feelings with her out loud helps me process and understand them better.

Hah! Yeah, a bit late on that advice...

Genuinely, I think the issue is that we let it get too far a year and a half ago (which is when I was basically pulling the full load), and I'm still kind of resentful about that period in our lives... and so now any hint of backsliding, ESPECIALLY when I'm tired (and therefore less rational - and yay first trimester exhaustion on top of the toddler nightmares...) becomes a kind of gut-reaction OMG NOT THIS AGAIN... when, really? It's a bit of a mess and a few loads of laundry, and god knows he actually IS pulling his weight these days.

So, like... the issue is about 10% the occasional backsliding, and 90% me still resenting the previous patterns and having a gut-reaction back-jerk to slipping into them again. Which, y'know. Is what'll happen when it takes a while to fix a situation in a relationship. Ain't great, but there you have it. Once I put it that way, though, I'm wondering if maybe a session or two of counseling would help deal with the resentment, which might be way more productive than dealing with the occasional housework slip, becuase none of us is ever going to manage to do everything on time with no negative consequences...


A little counseling to get past issues that you are stuck on might be good.  A housecleaner might also be good.  We had one when our kids were little and we stopped recently now that we are through the tougher years.  The thing that I learned from counseling in my early marriage was primarily -- accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.  Going back to bad feelings in the past is just unproductive, try not to ruin your now with the bad past.  You have those memories, but try to let them sit, and that is for your own happiness and mental health. 

Going to two kids (is that where you are at?)  it's so hard.  I'm sorry to say that, it's so hard.  You will be OK, but know that it is challenging and know that you can do it.  Get help when you need it.  Focus on the most important stuff and request that your husband work on the biggest things.  Work as a team and enjoy your growing family.

For me with laundry I often set a kitchen timer when I put in a load and then I remember to get it in the dryer so it doesn't sit around wet. 

tthree

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #65 on: June 29, 2016, 10:14:54 PM »
I love the chore threads on this forum.  I honestly didn't know that chores were that much of a relationship game-changer prior to reading this forum.

I have been there......pregnant with #2, working full time, tired, and doing the bulk of the household chores.  I definitely lowered my standards during this time.  BONUS: it's been 4 years and I haven't raised them up to previous levels!

Perhaps I have been doing this wrong all along, but in my life experience it's impossible to force another adult to do something that they don't want to do.  ie. DH knows I would LIKE him to put his dirty plate into the dishwasher, but I can't FORCE him to do that.  Executing the action is on him. I refuse to nag, micromanage, or throw a bitch fit, so I put the plate in the dishwasher.  BONUS: I don't resent him for not putting his plate in the dishwasher.  The resentment part is on me.

To the OP: if it's just forgetfulness, use phone reminders.  If he hates laundry, swap chores.  If he hates all chores, do them yourself, if you can't do them yourself pay someone to do them.     

Kitsune

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #66 on: June 30, 2016, 08:32:19 AM »
So, 2 decent nights of sleep later, and I'm feeling much more balanced about life in general. So, update:

1) husband folded the now-stained shirts, saw the stains, and came to see me being all like "oh, wow, I hadn't thought about it, I'm so sorry, I said I'd do this and I didn't think it was urgent, what frequency should I put a reminder on my phone so that I can remember better". YES. Note that I hadn't even mentioned it to him, because I was too freakin tired to even think about getting into it with him. So... he's noticing, and he's actually taking actio to fix it. Bless.

2)  Dinner is supposed to by 'my thing' and last night I just couldn't (tiiiiired). So I whined via text (very mature), and he was like 'oh, take some shrimp out of the freezer and I'll take care of it', and he got the kid at daycare and came home and made a really excellent stir-fry while I lay down with a glass of water until I felt not-nauseous again.

3) We had a quick talk about general exhaustion and how I can't deal with picking up his slack when I'm already at the limit doing my stuff, taking care of a toddler going through a mama-stage, and growing another one. And, to his credit, he was like, eeesh, I hadn't considered that, and so we re-discussed the divison of labour in a way that leaves me with less weight to carry so I can actually get some sleep.

So, conclusion: exhaustion mixed with communication issues mixed with bad patterns lead to exhausted resentment, and that's no help to anyone. :)

Metric Mouse

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #67 on: June 30, 2016, 08:39:40 AM »
So, 2 decent nights of sleep later, and I'm feeling much more balanced about life in general. So, update:

1) husband folded the now-stained shirts, saw the stains, and came to see me being all like "oh, wow, I hadn't thought about it, I'm so sorry, I said I'd do this and I didn't think it was urgent, what frequency should I put a reminder on my phone so that I can remember better". YES. Note that I hadn't even mentioned it to him, because I was too freakin tired to even think about getting into it with him. So... he's noticing, and he's actually taking actio to fix it. Bless.

2)  Dinner is supposed to by 'my thing' and last night I just couldn't (tiiiiired). So I whined via text (very mature), and he was like 'oh, take some shrimp out of the freezer and I'll take care of it', and he got the kid at daycare and came home and made a really excellent stir-fry while I lay down with a glass of water until I felt not-nauseous again.

3) We had a quick talk about general exhaustion and how I can't deal with picking up his slack when I'm already at the limit doing my stuff, taking care of a toddler going through a mama-stage, and growing another one. And, to his credit, he was like, eeesh, I hadn't considered that, and so we re-discussed the divison of labour in a way that leaves me with less weight to carry so I can actually get some sleep.

So, conclusion: exhaustion mixed with communication issues mixed with bad patterns lead to exhausted resentment, and that's no help to anyone. :)

So happy for you!  Your husband sounds like a truly  amazing partner. You're lucky to have him, and deserve every ounce of effort he can exert towards your relationship.  It's wonderful to see two spectacular people work through problems together - and inspiring to reflect on how obstacles that seemed so 'huge' from one side seem starkly different when viewed from another perspective. 

Kitsune

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #68 on: June 30, 2016, 08:46:06 AM »

So happy for you!  Your husband sounds like a truly  amazing partner. You're lucky to have him, and deserve every ounce of effort he can exert towards your relationship.  It's wonderful to see two spectacular people work through problems together - and inspiring to reflect on how obstacles that seemed so 'huge' from one side seem starkly different when viewed from another perspective.

Well, it sure seems more huge when it's calling back to previous shitty patterns AND I'm so tired I could cry from sheer exhaustion and can't deal with any of it.

Remove the exhaustion and deal with it aside from the previous no-longer-existing patterns, and it's manageable. :)

Lunasol

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #69 on: June 30, 2016, 09:00:17 AM »
I'm happy about it too! He sounds like he's starting to be considerate and thoughtful, which is what you need at this point

I'd just make sure he keeps being like this and not just because you're pregnant, and then when you finally have baby #2 it all won't go back to the way it used to be

tonysemail

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Re: Doing (or failing at) household chores
« Reply #70 on: June 30, 2016, 11:41:56 AM »
Congratulations!  I hope that you continue solving problems and growing together.
FWIW - I believe it's generally accepted that 2 kids is more than twice the work.
But I have observed that many couples 'rise to the challenge' and grow new capabilities that neither one knew they had ;)