Author Topic: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous  (Read 14824 times)

Kiwi Mustache

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Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« on: March 27, 2015, 12:54:02 PM »
I went to my first wedding yesterday evening/night and all that I could think the whole time was how ridiculous the whole thing was.

The traditions of asking fathers permission, rings, walking down the aisle, cutting cake, speeches, first dance, etc.

I know people were having a great time but the whole time I couldn't help but stop and think how silly all these traditions are. Most people never question them or know the origins of them (diamond engagement rings, white dresses, etc).

It's really put me off ever getting married in this type of setting, if at all.

I've done a bit of research this morning and I'm not alone in thinking this. What are your thoughts?

kudy

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2015, 12:59:34 PM »
I have long found almost everything to do with big traditional wedding ceremonies ridiculous; I imagine many in this community agree. I do have to say though, I really like a festive party full of loved ones, but the spending and weird need for perfection bother me.

sjc0816

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2015, 01:19:32 PM »
For my husband and I, weddings are a ridiculous waste of money.  We are not the kind of people that want or need a big "look at me" day to get married.  My parents would have paid for a big wedding but we were not interested.  Instead, they sent us to a beach resort (I picked the most affordable, ha!) and the resort kicked in a free wedding with our week stay.  I think it was maybe $2500 total.  14 years ago. We didn't invite anyone.  It was so freaking wonderful!  Not stressful at all. 

I just think weddings have gotten really out of hand.  My little brother and his wife just spent 60K on their wedding.  It was ONE day. My SIL had the post-wedding blues for months after.  This is really a thing?  She's a newlywed!  Best time of your life. So in love. No kids yet....no responsibilities except to be with the one you love.  And she's depressed!?  I think that sums up how stupid it is. 


apricity

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2015, 01:22:09 PM »
I admit, I am a little bit of a wedding grinch. 

The gift aspect of it made a lot more sense when more people hadn't already been living on their own or as a couple before they got married, and they actually needed stuff!  I do like a party, though, as long as I'm not one of the poor souls who has to drop hundreds of dollars on a special costume they'll never wear again!  Been there, done that, and hopefully no one else I know very well is going to have a wedding any time soon!


driftwood

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2015, 01:23:05 PM »
Completely Ridiculous.  Especially diamonds being related to wedding bands... all a result of good marketing by diamond companies.

I enjoy traditions if you can tie them to your cultural origins/heritage/beliefs, but not traditions that are just a part of normal 'merican expectations. 

CommonCents

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2015, 01:54:21 PM »
It depends.  A tradition done by rote because "it's tradition" may be silly, but I'd suggest examining the reason behind the tradition before passing judgment on the silliness or ridiculousness.

- I disagree about the tradition asking permission (my husband was told he could ask for a blessing, but not permission, as that was my choice), but others see it as a respect issue.
- Walking down the aisle to ME conveys the sentiment that you are passing from being a child to being an adult/partner with someone else central in your life besides your parents.  I quite like the Jewish tradition of having both parents walk  you down the aisle, although I stuck with just my father.  (I recognize there may be historical reasons for associating it with a father "selling a daughter" but I have chosen to keep the tradition and assign a personal meaning to it instead.)
- Speeches - what's to object to?  Seriously, this is just people saying nice things (or supposed to be) and celebrating the new couple and their relationship. 
- We smashed a glass at our wedding, to honor my husband's Jewish heritage.  There are many reasons given for why people do this, but I personally like it to stand for the reminder of the fragility of relationships and a reminder to treat marriage with special care.
- First dance - well, inevitably there will be something the couple does as their "first" activity.  I personally would much prefer that first activity watched by all to celebrate the union to be a joyful dance, than as was done in historical times, the bedding of the bride...

(And also - who care?  This thread is rather judgmental!  It harms no one that the couple chooses to indulge in these traditions.)

studentdoc2

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2015, 02:07:19 PM »
Most wedding traditions are incredibly patriarchal. Seeing many of them followed blindly squiks me out and makes me die a little inside. When my partner and I got married, we spent a lot of time questioning all traditions and rejecting or reworking them and writing our own ceremony to create our feminist, egalitarian wedding. I was incredibly proud of the day we created.

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2015, 02:11:03 PM »
Not being judgmental but I would and have walked out of a relationship once a woman starts talking about an expensive wedding celebration.    I question someone's judgement who would spend that kind of money for such a thing.   

galliver

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2015, 02:25:14 PM »
+1 to CommonCents. In my (fairly few) wedding experiences, couples are, more than ever, choosing the traditions and ceremonies that they consider relevant. Possibly with some pressure from their families, who may also assign meaning to certain traditions. But that's fine. Sometimes we do things to please the people we love, even if they don't matter to us.

The white dress, walking down the aisle, rings, flowers, dancing, etc...is any of this more stupid than putting an evergreen in your living room and festooning it with bows and baubles? Dressing up in costumes, watching scary movies, and collecting candy from neighbors (while giving out your own)? Blowing out candles on a cake? Having a barbeque party and watching explosive rockets make pretty lights in the sky? Yes, weddings are usually more expensive, but they also don't happen annually. I think as humans we have a need for the excitement of celebrations, whether for once-in-a-lifetime events (graduation, wedding, new baby) or for marking the passage of time through annual traditions.

I don't plan to celebrate the same way as my friend who was married last weekend, on a golf course (it had a beautiful view!). But she had the wedding she wanted. As did my friend who had hers at an aquarium a few years back. As did my other friends who had more traditional ceremonies with or without a formal reception. As did several friends that just had courthouse weddings (by themselves or with family only). FWIW, all the more traditional weddings happened after all schooling was complete, by a few months or years; the smallest weddings seemed to be expedited by a baby or naturalization concerns. Basically, I think those who don't have special circumstances tend to save up for their "big day"; those who have other concerns tend to rank the party as secondary (if you know you want to get married, starting the visa-greencard-citizenship clock may be more important than saving for the party). Maybe my friends have more sense than average, though.

Gone Fishing

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #9 on: March 27, 2015, 02:36:17 PM »
I think it is rediculous for young (and not so young) couples to spend themselves into the ground to finance a big wedding.  As far as the traditions go, do what you want to do.  We vetoed a few things we didn't like for our wedding and kept those we did.  It was a blast.  In general, I enjoy weddings, especially the free food and drinks!  Out of town weddings can get a little pricey, but we have never flown. My badass wife suggested we camp after a wedding this summer in a high cost of lodging town.

gaja

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #10 on: March 27, 2015, 04:42:58 PM »
We almost had a traditional weeding, except we got the kids after the event, not before. So many people here do the white dress, father walking down the isle stuff, and think they are traditional. But those are just ideas from american movies. The real nordic traditional wedding in the countryside was:

1. Getting engaged and living together
2. Getting a child or two
3. When a vicar came around; walking in to the church with all the kids and getting the church's blessing and the kids baptised.

The old wedding vows were something like "Do you promise to live together as a married couple? Then shake on it". We did a version of that in front of a judge, and it really felt like a big thing. I don't take lightly on promises, especially those that are legally binding.

But other than that, we didn't have any of the stuff mentioned by the OP. No bachelor party, no big wedding  cake, etc. I did use the traditional national costume, but mainly because it is a nice dress that I feel well in. And I already had it in my closet so it didn't cost me anything.

Frankies Girl

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #11 on: March 27, 2015, 04:46:25 PM »
Most traditions are silly to somebody. I would say do what ever you'd like to do at your wedding with the caveat that you should be able to AFFORD it. Anyone that follows the herd just because it is tradition and goes into debt to do so deserves the mess that comes with it.
 

We did our photos the morning of our wedding day (before we were married - gasp!) and got married that afternoon. So husband saw me in my wedding gown way before we were hitched.

We didn't do the cake smash, garter or bouquet toss.

There was no liquor (alcoholics in the family).

There was no dancing (but decent music) as the husband and I are a bit awkward about dancing anyway.

My dad didn't even attend, let along "give me away" or walk me down the aisle. (he had a travel phobia and refused to leave his homestate)

We didn't get married in a church.

We didn't go on a honeymoon.

There was no bachleor/bachlorette outing. Gag - neither one of us was interested.

We didn't do a shower (specifically told everyone that there was to be NO SHOWER). We told people that we just wanted them to come and have a nice time, and presents were unnecessary... and then MIL had a total meltdown over us not having a shower or PRESENTS!!!! that she could paw through, and demanded we at least register somewhere, so we did Target, but nothing on the registry was over $25... which pissed her off as she wanted fine china and fancy crystal stuff. There is a term for her expression (the one where it looks like they sucked on a lemon), credit to a forum that deals with crappy inlaws: cat-butt face. She had it permanently installed the day my husband told her he was going to marry me... :D

My mother had a meltdown over me not wearing a big poofy white dress and I caved as she was making my life hell. I liked it okay, but what a freaking waste. Wish I'd stood up for myself and told her to get bent and wore what I really wanted (a really pretty dressy dress that could have worn again and again).







« Last Edit: March 27, 2015, 04:48:06 PM by Frankies Girl »

rockstache

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #12 on: March 27, 2015, 05:04:26 PM »
It depends.  A tradition done by rote because "it's tradition" may be silly, but I'd suggest examining the reason behind the tradition before passing judgment on the silliness or ridiculousness.

- I disagree about the tradition asking permission (my husband was told he could ask for a blessing, but not permission, as that was my choice), but others see it as a respect issue.
- Walking down the aisle to ME conveys the sentiment that you are passing from being a child to being an adult/partner with someone else central in your life besides your parents.  I quite like the Jewish tradition of having both parents walk  you down the aisle, although I stuck with just my father.  (I recognize there may be historical reasons for associating it with a father "selling a daughter" but I have chosen to keep the tradition and assign a personal meaning to it instead.)
- Speeches - what's to object to?  Seriously, this is just people saying nice things (or supposed to be) and celebrating the new couple and their relationship. 
- We smashed a glass at our wedding, to honor my husband's Jewish heritage.  There are many reasons given for why people do this, but I personally like it to stand for the reminder of the fragility of relationships and a reminder to treat marriage with special care.
- First dance - well, inevitably there will be something the couple does as their "first" activity.  I personally would much prefer that first activity watched by all to celebrate the union to be a joyful dance, than as was done in historical times, the bedding of the bride...

(And also - who care?  This thread is rather judgmental!  It harms no one that the couple chooses to indulge in these traditions.)

+1 to absolutely everything you said except my husband is not Jewish and we did not smash the glass. I wonder if our similar views are related to our area of the country. Hmm.

MsPeacock

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #13 on: March 27, 2015, 07:19:16 PM »
Well, many of the "traditions" that involves spending 31k (the latest average) on a wedding are recent inventions. I think for most people the traditional wedding for many years was something significantly less expensive - wedding at church, cake in the church hall, drive off for a honeymoon (e.g. *drive* - not fly to Hawaii), much less elaborate dress (e.g. just a nice dress or a white suit), regular suit for the groom. There has been a massive swing towards expensive and overly elaborate weddings that used to be the tradition only for the extremely wealthy.

Other traditions, although not my cup of tea, don't cost anything (the ridiculous asking the father for permission to marry his daughter), "giving away" the bride, etc.

I have no objection to a good party to celebrate a wedding - and that can be done many ways and certainly doesn't need to cost tens of thousands of dollars.

daymare

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #14 on: March 27, 2015, 08:08:46 PM »
Quote
In my (fairly few) wedding experiences, couples are, more than ever, choosing the traditions and ceremonies that they consider relevant. Possibly with some pressure from their families, who may also assign meaning to certain traditions. But that's fine. Sometimes we do things to please the people we love, even if they don't matter to us.

Agree with everything galliver said.  My husband and I didn't do *anything* for the sake of tradition - we went to the venue together before the wedding to take pictures (because it made sense), we greeted our guests when they arrived instead of hiding out (because we wanted to see our favorite people).  Then, we actively chose not to do the traditions that didn't work for us (I'm a raging feminist - so I didn't have my dad walk me down the aisle.  Walked by myself.)  But of course, we did the most traditional thing ever - getting married.  And there are lots of people who don't see value in that particular tradition, but we did.  Although, I will say the *wedding* part of getting married ended up being a lot about our community and their support.  I don't even consider getting married a significant relationship milestone (for me personally), it was (for us) only a convenient approximation of commitment, and not a great one at that.  We decided to get married earlier than that, and committed to each other earlier than getting engaged.  So the wedding was a lot about sharing our relationship with our people.

Doulos

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #15 on: March 27, 2015, 08:18:39 PM »
Weddings are super fun.
The price tag is not.

If someone's parents are determined to have a wedding and pay for it.  Then do it.
If you need to flip the bill.  Then I suggest Vegas.  Wedding+Honeymoon in one.
http://www.alittlewhitechapel.com/
The whole wedding, trip, and hotel can cost less than a wedding dress.

Spork

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #16 on: March 27, 2015, 08:23:08 PM »

I guess I am a wedding grinch as well.  I've been married twice (oops).  One was a justice of the peace (we wore sweats).  The other was in a casino chapel in Vegas.

I've always been a bit of a cheap ass bastard, so dropping a down payment on a house into "a really nice party" is painful.  I'm not religious, so there's no church desires.  I'm not sure I've even met a virgin -- so white dresses are out.  Etc.

firewalker

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #17 on: March 27, 2015, 09:20:43 PM »
A lot of traditions fall into the rediculous category. Christmas, birthdays, barmitzvas (spl?) generally are social pressure issues. Marriage and anniversaries, on the other hand, are (to me) worthy of an end zone dance.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2015, 09:25:23 PM by firewalker »

Quince

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #18 on: March 27, 2015, 10:09:32 PM »
I deeply hate weddings.  I wanted just a paper signing and maybe dinner with the parents.  My husband wanted a little more...so in the end, we did a paper signing while sort of dressed up and accompanied by a 3 minute ceremony in a private dining room at a restaurant with our parents (6 total), 1 grandparent, siblings/sibling spouses(6), and 3 close friends.

Good enough.

I strongly dislike traditions that are gender specific. I dislike traditions that treat adults like children (asking permission/parents paying for weddings).  I didn't much like wedding/engagement rings because I hate jewelry (love looking at it, hate wearing it), but once I asked my guy to marry me I found I wanted to pee on my territory, so I asked him to wear a ring.  He agreed, and to be fair I wear one too. We wore the same tungsten carbide bands through the engagement and now as our wedding rings.

pancakes

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #19 on: March 27, 2015, 10:15:26 PM »
Yes.

But at the same time people do genuinely seem to really enjoy weddings. Seeing people happy makes people happy which in turn makes others happy. Days dedicated to happiness are in principle not a bad thing in my mind.

I refer to my partner has my husband although we have never been legally married which I suppose is a bit weird. My family wanted to spend a significant amount of their money on our wedding in an effort to maintain a certain appearance of wealth, including inviting people we'd never met. We wanted something more low-key and fun but were never able to compromise so it never happened.

Cressida

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #20 on: March 27, 2015, 10:39:44 PM »
I strongly dislike traditions that are gender specific.

+1

Most wedding traditions are incredibly patriarchal. Seeing many of them followed blindly squiks me out and makes me die a little inside. When my partner and I got married, we spent a lot of time questioning all traditions and rejecting or reworking them and writing our own ceremony to create our feminist, egalitarian wedding. I was incredibly proud of the day we created.

+1

OSUBearCub

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #21 on: March 28, 2015, 01:07:06 PM »
It's easy to hate on weddings and wedding traditions when you've not had to fight for them. 

I'm having a LAVISH affair.  I want the whole damn barrel of silly - a church, weeping aunties, huge cake, tuxedos, dance with my mom, a band, we're going to figure something out around the whole garter and bouquet affair, toasts, sambuca shots, photos, all of it.

That being said, there will be a budget and there will be economizing wherever possible. But I'll be damned if the time I spent sending letters to every politician who's ever represented my district will go to waste. 

curlyfry

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #22 on: March 28, 2015, 01:54:15 PM »
Can do your wedding however you'd like!  I only invited 15 people, had it at my family home, great dinner, amazing cake. Wore a beautiful colourful dress I got on sale for $30. Did splurge on shoes ($150 but they are black & comfortable & I can wear them forever.) Moissanite ring $900. Got all guests to wear black & white for the photos so everyone matched. Asked 2 bridesmaids to wear black dresses that they likely already had.  Photographer 3 hours $850 - amazing photos of everyone. Nice brunch day after. Wouldn't change a thing!   

After we were married I spent $850 on a vitamix- which some people think is silly - but what is sillier, $850 on a dress or a blender that will help make food for decades?   I think I will use the frugal wedding as an excuse for a couple nice trips in the future as well.

stlbrah

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #23 on: March 28, 2015, 04:12:24 PM »
Yes, but you're missing the bigger picture.

TRADITIONS are ridiculous.

To me people who follow traditions their whole life and never question it are similar to plants. People call them "sheep" but to me that is giving them too much credit.

That probably sounds arrogant, some people question things and still go the popular route - nothing wrong with that.

Spork

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #24 on: March 28, 2015, 04:15:08 PM »
It's easy to hate on weddings and wedding traditions when you've not had to fight for them. 


As someone who poopoos weddings and all the traditional junk that goes along with them:  Point taken, sir.   I can see how it might be more of a symbolic celebration from that perspective.

use2betrix

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #25 on: March 28, 2015, 04:52:05 PM »
To each their own. I don't pretend to know the financial situation of every person that gets married. I am 26 and my gf 21. We have been together over 3 years. We have talked a lot about it and because she has an insanely huge family, we want a small destination wedding. I just got an email last week from a resort we visited in Mexico that does wedding packages, and we can get basically everything for around $4000 or so for the wedding, plus travel and hotel expenses, which is fine since its a vacation anyways. That's less than a months savings for us. Do I really mind working an "extra" month to have a big party for my closest friends and family?

My gf would be fine with a courthouse wedding and ring a small fraction of what I'll get, but I personally just don't want to stare at her finger the next 30 years and think, "boy, sure am glad I skimped on that thing."

Like I said, to each their own, but different people have different priorities. Some people actually really enjoy working and don't mind working into their 50's or 60's.

Grid

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Re: Do you think Wedding Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #26 on: March 28, 2015, 04:53:36 PM »
Yes, but you're missing the bigger picture.

TRADITIONS are ridiculous.

To me people who follow traditions their whole life and never question it are similar to plants. People call them "sheep" but to me that is giving them too much credit.

That probably sounds arrogant, some people question things and still go the popular route - nothing wrong with that.

Agree, traditions in general can suck the life out of a practical person.  Weddings are just a really good example of a tradition that threatens to give a small amount of happiness for each dollar spent.  Unfortunately, happiness = expectations - reality, and even people that spend lavishly on their weddings can end up frustrated with them if they don't go as planned.  Blah.

NICE!

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #27 on: March 28, 2015, 05:02:30 PM »
Wedding traditions? Yes. Weddning traditions? Unsure.

ria1024

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #28 on: March 28, 2015, 05:02:59 PM »
We're actually in the middle of planning a fairly big, fairly traditional, rather expensive wedding.  And yes, we're doing traditional stuff when / as it suits us.

We've only bought one set of rings, and are both wearing them now as engagement rings.

He certainly didn't ask my parents for permission to marry me :)

I'm wearing a big white (well, ivory) dress - which I bought for $325 as a used sample at a consignment shop.  It's lovely, and I really like the way I look in it.  It'll probably be $500 for my entire outfit, including shoes and getting the dress hemmed.

My parents will both be walking me down the aisle; they're not "giving me away", but I think it's a nice sign that they're part of my life, and approve of this marriage.

What am I spending money on?  A chance to have a big party with both our families; we have big extended families, who are spending lots of their time & money to come celebrate with us.  The budget is 50% food, 20% booze, 10% photographer, 10% venue, and then the rest covers our outfits / some decorations / invitations and such.

Basically, we wanted to throw a really nice, big party with the people we love.  Having the wedding then is just a good excuse.  And no, I'm not going in to debt to do it (parents are paying about half, fiance and I are covering the other half).

Bob W

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #29 on: March 28, 2015, 07:43:37 PM »
To each their own. I don't pretend to know the financial situation of every person that gets married. I am 26 and my gf 21. We have been together over 3 years. We have talked a lot about it and because she has an insanely huge family, we want a small destination wedding. I just got an email last week from a resort we visited in Mexico that does wedding packages, and we can get basically everything for around $4000 or so for the wedding, plus travel and hotel expenses, which is fine since its a vacation anyways. That's less than a months savings for us. Do I really mind working an "extra" month to have a big party for my closest friends and family?

My gf would be fine with a courthouse wedding and ring a small fraction of what I'll get, but I personally just don't want to stare at her finger the next 30 years and think, "boy, sure am glad I skimped on that thing."

Like I said, to each their own, but different people have different priorities. Some people actually really enjoy working and don't mind working into their 50's or 60's.
destination weddings are the worst.  Basically your asking people to spend tons of money to attend your party.   If friends and family are dispersed then do a wedding tour and visit everyone.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #30 on: March 28, 2015, 08:03:00 PM »
Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous?

Some, yes. All? No. Traditions are vital for developing culture and creating bonds between people. Even little kids will come up with secret handshakes when left to their own devices. In-group behavior is vital for social beings, which we all are.

happy

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #31 on: March 28, 2015, 08:12:24 PM »
For me personally, yes I think our traditions are ridiculous.  That being said when the time came, I went along with my parents and my ex, who wanted the whole palaver. It seemed to mean a lot to them, so I put up with it for their sake and tried to do it with good grace. Whilst I wanted a quiet simple affair with less than 20 people present, the others didn't. I guess its worth thinking about those traditions that are meaningful for you, your partner, friends and family, and those so called  traditions which are just consumerism.

Mrkineticz

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #32 on: March 29, 2015, 12:25:10 AM »
I wish i found this website prior to plannig my upcoming weddding with my fiance. I originally wanted a small wedding or a destination wedding but my fiance wanted a normal wedding. a couple months later and my wedding budget is 45k all together. She is lucky I saved enough for the wedding but it still bothers me to spend that much on a wedding when i can put it to good use!.

use2betrix

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #33 on: March 29, 2015, 05:16:02 AM »
To each their own. I don't pretend to know the financial situation of every person that gets married. I am 26 and my gf 21. We have been together over 3 years. We have talked a lot about it and because she has an insanely huge family, we want a small destination wedding. I just got an email last week from a resort we visited in Mexico that does wedding packages, and we can get basically everything for around $4000 or so for the wedding, plus travel and hotel expenses, which is fine since its a vacation anyways. That's less than a months savings for us. Do I really mind working an "extra" month to have a big party for my closest friends and family?

My gf would be fine with a courthouse wedding and ring a small fraction of what I'll get, but I personally just don't want to stare at her finger the next 30 years and think, "boy, sure am glad I skimped on that thing."

Like I said, to each their own, but different people have different priorities. Some people actually really enjoy working and don't mind working into their 50's or 60's.
destination weddings are the worst.  Basically your asking people to spend tons of money to attend your party.   If friends and family are dispersed then do a wedding tour and visit everyone.

Our families like to take vacations so they will use it as an excuse to take one. The reason we are doing it is to really cut down on the number of people that attend. My gf's dad has 6 siblings and mom has 5. Nearly all married, all with kids. If we both just have 10 of our closest family members/friends come, that's fine with us.

Our families live in seperate parts of the country, so one way or another, half of them are flying/getting a hotel.

That's just an idea. Us still doing something very small at a courthouse over a weekend is still not out of the question. If we have it near where her parents are, we are looking at a 150 person wedding as all her family lives in the same city and we can't just invite certain close family and not others.

NICE!

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #34 on: March 29, 2015, 05:41:46 AM »
My gf would be fine with a courthouse wedding and ring a small fraction of what I'll get, but I personally just don't want to stare at her finger the next 30 years and think, "boy, sure am glad I skimped on that thing."

I don't know anyone who stares at their wife's ring finger. Seriously, I've devoted maybe 30 seconds to this in over a year.

Pigeon

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #35 on: March 29, 2015, 06:59:30 AM »
I think you pick the traditions that work for you and skip the rest. We didn't do the sexist traditions.

I also think destination weddings are the worst unless you genuinely don't care if no one comes. Your wedding is not my vacation.. I wouldn't go to my own kid's wedding if she decided to do that.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #36 on: March 29, 2015, 07:14:14 AM »
We had a small, cheap wedding - about 20 people, cake and champagne in the church garden afterwards. There are some traditions I enjoyed upholding. For example, I wore something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. I did walk down the aisle with my father. We did 'cut the cake'. We had organ music. My parents paid for the wedding (less than 1000 in total, though!) We had traditional liturgy at the church service (although in the C of E there are several authorised options, some of which are more mushy than others - we went for the serious one, which happily included us both making the exact same vows - I am fine promising to obey my husband as long as he promises to obey me too!) They felt nice to me, to be participating in a genuine cultural ritual. I appreciated having these things to draw on when planning our wedding.

However... my wedding dress was a blue high street one which I have got a lot of wear out of since. My mother made my favourite cake (NOT a fruit cake with that disgusting icing) at home. The organist was my husband's best friend, who happens to be a professional organist, and he did not play "Here Comes the Bride"!

Some things that people think are 'traditional' are in fact just 'socially obligatory in the recent past', like having a DJ, photographer, meringue dress, etc. I don't have a problem with people having these things if they have genuinely chosen them, and weighed up the costs and benefits. What I hate is when people spend out on all this crap because "it's a wedding so you have to".

I am a feminist, and I think weddings often bring out the worst in both men and women. However, much like mothers either working or being a SAHM, I think both choices are OK to make as long as it really IS a choice. For example, I wear a gold wedding band and my husband does not, which is the "traditional" choice, but it's one that we made ourselves. Our wedding was very small, sparse and personal. The best man at our wedding is getting married this year and it is, in comparison, going to be mahoosive, partially because they are inviting all of their very large families. They are having the works - catering, white dress, diamond engagement ring, printed wedding invitations (I think we just texted the people we wanted to come??), classy honeymoon - but they have saved up for it and know what they are doing. It's just that all of that is worth it to them.

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #37 on: March 29, 2015, 07:15:24 AM »
I too am a wedding grinch. Aside from the silly traditions, I find the typical wedding of renting a hotel ballroom with mediocre food and a cheesy DJ or band boring as hell. Why so many people want to spend tens of thousands on this type of event is beyond me. I always leave as soon as they cut the cake.

We did short daytime ceremony with no bridal party, and lunch afterward at a restaurant for family and friends. I really wanted to elope and just throw a BBQ when we got home, but that would have made our families very upset so we compromised. I still sometimes wish we had just done what we wanted and eloped, though.

caliq

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #38 on: March 29, 2015, 07:17:40 AM »
My gf would be fine with a courthouse wedding and ring a small fraction of what I'll get, but I personally just don't want to stare at her finger the next 30 years and think, "boy, sure am glad I skimped on that thing."

I don't know anyone who stares at their wife's ring finger. Seriously, I've devoted maybe 30 seconds to this in over a year.

My husband looks at mine pretty regularly, but we haven't even been married a year yet (and we didn't get my ring until a few months after the wedding) so I think it's just the ooh-shiny-new factor.  Plus he has this weird thing where he asks me to marry him like once a day at least (he's been doing this since a few months after we started dating) and then I go 'we're already married dummy' or whatever.  That sounds dumb when I type it out but whatever, I think it's cute :)



In terms of traditions, the only one we followed was the rings.  We were never 'engaged' -- we knew we would get married someday (had discussed it extensively), and he woke up one morning last summer and said, "let's get married today."  So we did.  I guess that means no proposal, either, and certainly no asking my father's permission.  We went to the town hall, got the paperwork, called a justice of the peace, and set something up for that evening.  I wanted a ring, so we went to a local store and I picked out a $400 pearl and diamond ring (had intended to only spend like $100 but this ring was nearly an exact replica of a costume jewelry one I had loved and lost at college).  Got married that evening in our living room, with us sitting in our kitchen chairs and the JoP in a deck chair we brought in from outside (lol we had just bought the house and had no living room furniture and only 2 kitchen table chairs...).   Our best man/only witness was our 4 month old puppy who kept interrupting the ceremony.  He's black with a tuxedo white chest, so he was the only one "properly dressed" -- I was wearing a hot pink sundress that DH bought me for Valentine's Day the year we started dating, and he was probably wearing jeans and a nerdy graphic T-shirt. 

We did replace the pearl ring a few months later with a traditional diamond 'engagement ring' and wedding band combo, and at that point DH got his band which I think is titanium.  Or tungsten.  Something trendy yet inexpensive like that. 

I think, in general, you follow what traditions work for you.  Sometimes, when I see big fancy traditional weddings on Facebook or in movies or whatever, I get a little twinge of regret, because it is kind of cool to imagine the fairytale.  But then I remember that I'm horribly Type A and hate paying too much for things, so I would have made myself insane trying to DIY as much as possible and spend as little as possible...the absolute absence of wedding planning stress is my FAVORITE part of my non-wedding ;)

17oclockshadow

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #39 on: March 29, 2015, 07:35:38 AM »
Yes.  Completely.

I went to my first wedding yesterday evening/night and all that I could think the whole time was how ridiculous the whole thing was.

The traditions of asking fathers permission, rings, walking down the aisle, cutting cake, speeches, first dance, etc.

I know people were having a great time but the whole time I couldn't help but stop and think how silly all these traditions are. Most people never question them or know the origins of them (diamond engagement rings, white dresses, etc).

It's really put me off ever getting married in this type of setting, if at all.

I've done a bit of research this morning and I'm not alone in thinking this. What are your thoughts?

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #40 on: March 29, 2015, 08:24:41 AM »
Yes, pretty much the whole thing is ridiculous. Especially the "traditions" that have started only recently due to marketing. Weddings used to be small, possibly close friends and family, at the church or courthouse, with a possible reception at a parent's house with a potluck. The whole diamond ring "tradition" is made up by DeBeers. All the expensive dresses, color coordination, catering, fancy venues, etc, are all made "traditions" by marketing and peer pressure.

The holdover traditions from when a woman was property are goofy too.

I'm glad DW and I see things similarly and we were able to have a really nice wedding the way we wanted it and it was still affordable and didn't stress us out too much and we had a really nice time and had the family around that we wanted.

Wupper

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #41 on: March 29, 2015, 08:32:46 AM »
Good post. Wedding traditions are ridiculous, in my view.

I examine and disagree with many traditions.

Nothing more ridiculous than funerals. Dressing up a dead body, and dumping copious amounts of make-up on their face. Then everyone stands around and comments "They look wonderful", while staring at a dead body.

That's seriously messed up. And expensive, too. Just like weddings.

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #42 on: March 29, 2015, 08:45:00 AM »

I also think destination weddings are the worst unless you genuinely don't care if no one comes. Your wedding is not my vacation.. I wouldn't go to my own kid's wedding if she decided to do that.

That's precisely the point of it.  For the bride/groom it is a way to:
* pare down the guest list to a minimum to reduce cost
* cost share with the destination hotel to reduce cost

For the guest, it is expensive.  For the bride/groom, it's a really inexpensive way to go.

For the most part, I'd not go to any of them.  But I have a dear niece having one in a few months and I just adopted it as a vacation.  Everyone else was bitching about having to go.  I embraced it.   I wouldn't do that for just anyone.

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #43 on: March 29, 2015, 09:13:42 AM »

I've done a bit of research this morning and I'm not alone in thinking this. What are your thoughts?

My friend and I were talking about this recently. Mostly in light of very few marriages of our friends lasting more than 5yrs.

We both agreed we were having a hard time taking the ceremonies seriously.

I rarely go to weddings any more. I figure I'll catch the next one those people have.

When I met my SO and she told me she had been married and divorced my comment was "...good...so you've got that BS out of your system?"

I'll never get married.

-- Vik

gaja

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #44 on: March 29, 2015, 09:22:13 AM »
Yes, pretty much the whole thing is ridiculous. Especially the "traditions" that have started only recently due to marketing. Weddings used to be small, possibly close friends and family, at the church or courthouse, with a possible reception at a parent's house with a potluck. The whole diamond ring "tradition" is made up by DeBeers. All the expensive dresses, color coordination, catering, fancy venues, etc, are all made "traditions" by marketing and peer pressure.

The holdover traditions from when a woman was property are goofy too.

I'm glad DW and I see things similarly and we were able to have a really nice wedding the way we wanted it and it was still affordable and didn't stress us out too much and we had a really nice time and had the family around that we wanted.

I agree with most of what you say, but not the "small" part. In large parts of the world, weddings used to be big parties, often for 3 days and nights. My cousin had one of those, where he and his intended invited the entire island. I think they were 3-400 people. But the mind set was completely different, where instead of gifts they got food and stuff for the celebration.

Pigeon

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #45 on: March 29, 2015, 11:21:47 AM »

I also think destination weddings are the worst unless you genuinely don't care if no one comes. Your wedding is not my vacation.. I wouldn't go to my own kid's wedding if she decided to do that.

That's precisely the point of it.  For the bride/groom it is a way to:
* pare down the guest list to a minimum to reduce cost
* cost share with the destination hotel to reduce cost

For the guest, it is expensive.  For the bride/groom, it's a really inexpensive way to go.

For the most part, I'd not go to any of them.  But I have a dear niece having one in a few months and I just adopted it as a vacation.  Everyone else was bitching about having to go.  I embraced it.   I wouldn't do that for just anyone.

Not always. I know people who are genuinely stunned and outraged when family and close friends decline invitations to their destination weddings. Sorry, Bridezilla, but you don't get to decide that even your sister has to plunk down thousands and waste her vacation over your wedding.

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #46 on: March 29, 2015, 12:36:52 PM »
Re traditions, do what works for you. You're starting a life with someone, and you'd like to get a good start. You're also beginning a long standing association between two families, and its helpful if they begin that well. That's a lot to balance.

Re destination weddings, anyone who chooses to have one needs to recognize and accept that not everyone can afford to travel to attend a wedding. If they can't or won't, then they are out of line.


Mistah Cash Lion

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #47 on: March 29, 2015, 03:32:45 PM »
I feel like I am constantly evaluating various traditions in our culture and realizing how silly and strange many of them are.

I agree with a lot of the sentiment here that as long as you are intentional about what you do no matter what kind of tradition it is, I think that's all well and good.  I remember growing up asking questions about why certain things were done the way they were because it seemed silly to me and a lot of the times the adults I asked couldn't muster an answer other than "That's just the way it's done/is". I thought, how stupid is that? Just doing something because it has always been done.

I'm sure I have been and still am guilty of this too so I try to view other people doing mindless things from that perspective. Gently trying to spark discussion or challenge the status quo or tradition rather than non-internet face punches. You know, approaching the situation with honesty, yet being tactful. It's very easy to turn people off of a very sensible idea or suggestion if you deliver it with the wrong heart or attitude.

For my own wedding I would like to have close friends and family present.  Ideally it would be a small outdoor wedding.  Very inexpensive, yet full of joy and memories.  But, if something a bit bigger is important to my fiance then I would't have a problem compromising some in this area.  There will, however, be absolutely no debt accrued as a result of the wedding.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2015, 03:34:55 PM by Mistah Cash Lion »

rmendpara

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #48 on: March 29, 2015, 04:36:54 PM »
I went to my first wedding yesterday evening/night and all that I could think the whole time was how ridiculous the whole thing was.

The traditions of asking fathers permission, rings, walking down the aisle, cutting cake, speeches, first dance, etc.

I know people were having a great time but the whole time I couldn't help but stop and think how silly all these traditions are. Most people never question them or know the origins of them (diamond engagement rings, white dresses, etc).

It's really put me off ever getting married in this type of setting, if at all.

I've done a bit of research this morning and I'm not alone in thinking this. What are your thoughts?

Yes, the absurd spending and traditions certainly annoy me. I'm in an Asian family and it blows my mind to see couples and their families spend more on a few days of festivities than for both their college educations... In state schools, anyway.

Mistah Cash Lion

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #49 on: March 29, 2015, 04:39:19 PM »
Also this topic made me think of this hilarious video on the tradition of diamond rings:

*Strong language warning*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5kWu1ifBGU

« Last Edit: March 29, 2015, 04:42:35 PM by Mistah Cash Lion »