Do I retire? FI but feeling guilty

[mountains_o_mustaches]

I'm a healthcare provider and once I became financially independent I took a lower paying job working with underserved populations that I absolutely loved. Then COVID hit and my life has been hell since March. I had always told myself that if I felt burnt out or stopped loving my job I would retire. Right now both of those are true, but I also know this is temporary and unusual. I thought maybe working part time might help, but my employer nixed that idea so to go that route I'd need to get a new job and honestly I'm burned out enough I really don't see that happening. Before this damn pandemic I absolutely loved my job and liked the people I work with. I continued to work because I found it rewarding and engaging (in non-pandemic times). I worry that if I retire I'll miss out on what I loved about this job when things get more normal and also that not working might be even worse for my mental health. What would you all do?

[Dicey]

This is what FU money is made for. You simply give your boss an ultimatum. Part-time or nothing. Then you stop talking. If they don't accommodate you, take your valuable skills elsewhere or FIRE. Being FI also means you can volunteer on your own terms. You have nothing but choices, and only one life to live.

[former player]

I agree with Dicey (it's always a safe position to agree with Dicey).  You can leave this current job without permanently retiring.  You even have the right script to tell your employer: "Before Covid I loved this job and the people here are great.  Unfortunately because of Covid I'm burnt out and need to make a change.  My options are part time work, a sabatical or leaving altogether.  You've already said no to part-time work, perhaps you could let me know whether a sabatical is possible.  Thanks."

[Metalcat]

I don't really hear guilt in your post, I hear worry about your future happiness, and that's a whole different issue, and it sounds like you are conflating a lot of things.

You are FI, which means that you have an enormous range of options.
You are burnt out, which means that no matter what your future holds, you should stop what you are doing.
You love aspects of your work, which means that you may want to do some version of it in the future, but not the way you are doing it right now.

Okay...none of those above factors are incompatible with one another. Quite the burnout job, take some time to work on your mental health, and then regroup and decide what you want to do with your time moving forward.

It's really that simple from what I see.

[BikeFanatic]

Because you work in healthcare you are likely used to taking care of others but perhaps to your own detriment. Please take a year or a few months and focus on yourself and if that means part time or a long vacation, or whatever. You worked through Covid! that’s enough you gave enough. I had opportunity to work in healthcare during covid crisis and I said no, and I had FI money so no need
To bargain, just said no. Tara branch a psychotherapist and meditation instructor has a book radical self care, maybe you could just watch her free excerpts on you tube? She helped me learn that you deserve
All the care in the world that you gladly give others. Thank you for the service that you already gave.

[Roadrunner53]

You seem to have made a pact with yourself to leave when the joy is gone and you have reached that point.

It is time to pack it in and make new plans. Have you given any thought on life after work? What you want to do if you no longer work? Hobbies, vacations?

If you still have the itch to go to work, why don't you freelance? Advertise that you are available and what you offer in services. A person I knew who was going to nursing school found a weekend job where she went to stay with an elderly person Friday and Saturday night and left to go home Sunday afternoon. She was paid a flat fee for this weekend work. I think it was around $500 and that was about 15 years ago. I don't know what your job entails but you could come up with a model where you visit just one person for a few hours a day 3 days a week or some other scenario.

Taking a break from health care will clear your head and if you decide to go back, there are endless opportunities out there with the aging population.

Maybe you could tell us more about what you actually do in health care.

[mountains_o_mustaches]

I don't really hear guilt in your post, I hear worry about your future happiness, and that's a whole different issue, and it sounds like you are conflating a lot of things.

You're right. Although it's there. I feel guilty leaving my patients and coworkers in the lurch during a pandemic. It's hard to recruit people to this job in the best of times, but I imagine it will be very difficult during a pandemic which means my coworkers get even more burned out and patients wait even longer for care. I also got loan forgiveness for working here, so I feel like I "owe" then better. I also feel guilty retiring so early when I could work longer given the amount of training I went through and the genuine need there is for competent healthcare.

[mountains_o_mustaches]

I agree with Dicey (it's always a safe position to agree with Dicey).  You can leave this current job without permanently retiring.  You even have the right script to tell your employer: "Before Covid I loved this job and the people here are great.  Unfortunately because of Covid I'm burnt out and need to make a change.  My options are part time work, a sabatical or leaving altogether.  You've already said no to part-time work, perhaps you could let me know whether a sabatical is possible.  Thanks."

Yeah I know that's what I should do and it's complicated. I think the no is due to the larger system I work in (not very flexible - it evidently takes near an act of God to get the job reclassified so that I can work part time, or I have to recruit someone to work share my position and for reference it took them nearly 5 years to fill my position during non-pandemic times so that seems unlikely) and the fact that we are understaffed, so if I take sabbatical or drop to part time it just means more work (and more potential burn out) for my colleagues.  I think working in healthcare makes this harder because it's not just business.

[cool7hand]

Why do you think you are having difficulty distinguishing between what is best for you v. what is best for your coworkers?

[mountains_o_mustaches]

Why do you think you are having difficulty distinguishing between what is best for you v. what is best for your coworkers?

Yeah it's a problem and probably the crux of my guilt. I guess I you don't go into healthcare without probably an unhealthy dose of carrying too much about others (like bikefanatic accurately guessed)

[mountains_o_mustaches]

The other factor is health insurance. I get mine through work for my whole family. We can afford insurance in the exchange, but if one of us ended up in the ICU with COVID I'd no longer be FIRE for sure. Plus I'm a little nervous about the availability of health insurance given the current political climate, but I guess I could always start working again if that became the case. It's just a part of the worry and guilt and how I'm rationalizing staying in this job that's burning me out.

[mountains_o_mustaches]

Honestly this has been helpful to put everything out there and see how much of my decision is driven by guilt and probably misplaced loyalty to my job and coworkers. Although the guilt I feel about my patients having delays in care if I leave is real and I'm not sure what to do with that, especially since they're an already underserved population and it truly is my passion to do this work.

[former player]

I don't know whether this will make a difference, but my experience of burn-out is that while you are in it the temptation is to think that it will stop when the job (or the project, or whatever) stops.  The truth is that burn-out stays with you after its immediate cause is gone, and once you've got to sustained burn-out you may never be the same again.  The longer the situation which causes the burn-out goes on the more likely it is that it will stay with you for ever.

So this is not just a situation where you can put this decision off and expect it not to matter, that you can just make the decision to go at some point in the future and it will have the same results as going now.

The system in which you work doesn't seem to have adapted to the current situation.  That is not your problem: if you ask it to adapt and it doesn't, knowing what the consequences are then you either sacrifice yourself and potentially your future wellbeing to a stupid system or you get out.

(If the place you are working is really that short of staff and has such difficulties filling your role then I would suggest you resign with regret, fulfill all the notice terms of your contract, and let them know that once you have had a break and they still have a vacancy that you would consider re-applying.)

[terran]

I also got loan forgiveness for working here, so I feel like I "owe" then better.

To this point, the powers that be determined a particular length of service and/or other terms (if this is a US based student loan, I assume you've worked for non-profits for 10 years to get this forgiveness?), which you've fulfilled. You have no legal or moral duty to work longer to "payback" those loans being forgiven, you already did that by fulfilling the terms of the forgiveness. If they wanted you to work longer to earn loan forgiveness they would have made the work requirement longer.

[cool7hand]

Try this exercise: https://tim.blog/2016/09/18/how-to-resolve-internal-conflict/.

[Mr. Green]

Some other points to consider....

Should President Trump win a second term, I suspect the nation's healthcare apparatus will see no improvement until a vaccine is widely distributed. Given what we know about how few people have had COVID so far (less than 10% of the population) and the potential hurdles remaining for a safe, effective vaccine, it could be another year of the status quo. It feels like an impossible thing to suggest, but then again I'd have said the same thing in April about things still being out of control in September.

If the ACA would go away its pretty likely that it will be around through the end of 2021 at least, since SCOTUS won't issue an opinion until June 2021. Burnout doesn't go away immediately but perhaps 15 months of time off would be a break that helps restore your sanity before returning to work in 2022 for the sake of healthcare.

[simonsez]

I agree with Dicey (it's always a safe position to agree with Dicey).  You can leave this current job without permanently retiring.  You even have the right script to tell your employer: "Before Covid I loved this job and the people here are great.  Unfortunately because of Covid I'm burnt out and need to make a change.  My options are part time work, a sabatical or leaving altogether.  You've already said no to part-time work, perhaps you could let me know whether a sabatical is possible.  Thanks."

Yeah I know that's what I should do and it's complicated. I think the no is due to the larger system I work in (not very flexible - it evidently takes near an act of God to get the job reclassified so that I can work part time, or I have to recruit someone to work share my position and for reference it took them nearly 5 years to fill my position during non-pandemic times so that seems unlikely) and the fact that we are understaffed, so if I take sabbatical or drop to part time it just means more work (and more potential burn out) for my colleagues.  I think working in makes this harder because it's not just business.

Don't take on the mantle of the inefficient workings of your employer/sector.  This year has been hell for many, absolutely.  Those (on the employer side) who need to change but do not lose out in the long run.  That's on them to decide if they want to be more accommodating or take the shortcut and go with the status quo.  The day-to-day work has changed for millions on the job, it would make sense that the supervisory/managerial component would also need to.  They're not making inroads to make your life easier, why stretch yourself out for them?  Getting the job reclassified is a piece of paper that gets signed or something entered into an HR system, it's not rocket science.

You have the leverage.  Stay if they'll change and enjoy your fulfilling role or walk and enjoy your freedom if they don't.  Either way, you should be enjoying yourself!

[Retire-Canada]

It feels like an impossible thing to suggest, but then again I'd have said the same thing in April about things still being out of control in September.

Not impossible at all. I think we are in for years of a situation a lot like this. Even if there is an effective vaccine developed in the near future and that's a big if...it will take a long time to develop it in bulk and get it to people. And even then it will only really work if enough people take the tin foil hats off and get inoculated.

I won't be shocked to be still deep into this pandemic in 2022 or 2023. The idea we'll have it licked in months vs. years is the more unlikely of the options in front of us. I'd settle in for the long haul.

[Gone Fishing]

Look at Covid as a sabbatical.  Take some time off, read, organize, do some projects around the house, then return refreshed when it is over.