Long time lurker, but I think this is my first post.
My DH and I are both 32 and we have a 7 and 2-year-old.
I hate my job. I haven't ever left a job without another one, but I'm considering that. I'm definitely more savings focused than my husband but he's reasonable (except when it comes to cars... he's completely unreasonable about cars). Our goal has always been when my husband is eligible for retirement at 40 we would move to an area we love (likely the southwest) and figure out what we want to do and hopefully make money. So I guess more FI and less RE. DH would be willing to budge on that goal if it meant I no longer had anxiety attacks on the reg before going to work. He likes me like that.
DH makes 86k and his pension will pay out half his salary and give us access to employer rate healthcare. He should be eligible to retire at 40 or 41 (it depends on how much sick time he accumulates, he has about 6 months now). He has no upward career trajectory. He's a police chief in a specialized field. Also, there is a lot of employment risk at the top of law enforcement organizations, so me having a decent job does provide us a significant safety net. He is considering law school (which his employer would pay for), which might help with the safety net we would be giving up.
I make 70k plus a 6k (ish) bonus each year. I have been looking for about 16 months, but given that I came to this job under false pretenses... I'm really skittish about getting into another bad situation. Given DH's job, I need some flexibility to be primary parent and I also am an introvert in a field full of extroverts... so that can pose some issues. I have been offered two jobs since I started looking, but nothing that I thought was actually a good fit.
We have 22k in cash and 259k invested for retirement (not including DH's contributions to his pension, those are at around 50k, but our hope here is that he retires from the state we are in and that value is meaningless). We put 20% down on our house when we moved last year, so we've got around 45k in equity. We also have about 10k in a 529 for the kids (contributions to this are counted in spending). There are also cars...
We spent 53k last year without childcare costs (which are 14k), reimbursed grad school tuition for me (this negated itself, so it didn't seem relevant) and the three months we paid double mortgages when there was a problem with the sale of our house (that was another 3k). We traveled a lot (that's not out of the ordinary) and purchased a new house last year so there were some big expenses with that (that is out of the ordinary). I also will not tell you how much of that is car insurance/maintenance/taxes/gas/car buying, because it's embarrassing. I have cut him as far back as he is willing to go in this area, and given that he is a far better man than I deserve... I deal.
If we ratchet back DH's 457 contributions (he's maxing out), we'll be able to make this work in perpetuity without dipping into savings. I do think having two parents with intense jobs makes us spend more than we would if I were at home. There is too much take out and not enough research into why we spend where we spend. If I could get that under control, we might be able to continue to make some retirement progress. Plus, I do work in a field where it should be possible to freelance. I haven't done this, but it's something I could explore to bridge the gap until I find more permanent work.
Can I quit for now? Do I need to get some more cash savings first? I have always been in the "if we really need it, we can get it from the roth" camp. Do I need to wait to get my bonus in February and keep applying in the meantime? That's an option, and my employer puts 3k in my HSA then too... so it could be more like a 10k windfall if I stay. Do I just need to take the next job I can get? It's likely that I'm being too picky. I haven't been willing to budge on flexibility and time off. Will I be able to get a comparable job without a job? I haven't done this. And it's an unknown that makes me nervous.
I'm having a difficult time with the idea of saving so much less. We haven't been making these incomes for all that long, so to essentially go back to where we were 5 years ago in terms of income is a tough pill to swallow. Plus, I have always worked. Until recently, I've always been the primary earner. And I suppose I can suck it up. I just have never been this miserable in my life. And I'm beginning to let myself consider the idea that maybe it's not worth it.