I love telling my story! Way back in the 80's, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. We had 2 daughters, a 3yo and an 8 month old. We had a miscarriage between them. I thought at first she was suffering from a post-partum depression. There was nothing wrong with our marriage, the normal no money things, but she was also from out of state, and missed her family, and was generally depressed.
She told me that as long as I did whatever she wanted, she would see that I continued to have contact with the kids, but warned me not to fight her. She was making plans to leave our house and signed a lease on an apartment. I went to an attorney just to hear my options, and he basically told me not to fight her, the husband always loses, and to go along with her to keep things calm.
I convinced her to at least try marriage counseling, and we went a few times to a woman therapist. In the meantime, I found another attorney and he basically said the same thing, not to fight her. By now I was really depressed, as I was as good a parent as she. I worked days, and she worked evenings. I took care of the girls every night, and actually spent the same time if not more than she.
We each then talked to the marriage counselor separately, and when we were alone, the therapist asked me why I wasn't trying to get custody. I told her what the lawyers had said, and she gave me the name of a young woman attorney and told me to talk to her. This new attorney told me that I may or may not win, but either way my ex would make my life miserable and there was no reason not to fight her. Her plan was to let my wife move out, thinking all was okay. The plan was to keep the kids while she got settled, then afterwards file for divorce and not let the kids leave. My inlaws came to town to talk her out of it, but werent successful, and couldn't understand why I was not fighting her for custody. When I suggested that I was, of course they told their daughter. That was my mistake. My wife then refused to move out, and we filed.
An advantage of filing first, is that my lawyer got the woman judge she had requested. We went to court the first time, each of us had witnesses, and I never had to prove she was a bad mother, just that I was as good a parent as she. My MIL testified against me, that I left hairs in the sink when I shaved, and that when they visited, I took my daughter to watch cartoons, but the 3 yo got bored and left, and I continued to watch cartoons alone. The judge said, "yeah, my husband does that all the time too"!
Our case was continued for a month, and we continued to live together in wedded bliss, like nothing was wrong. The entire time I begged her for joint custody, at that time it was only granted if both parties agreed. She refused. On the day we went back to court, she even adjusted my tie, it was surreal.
After another hour in court, things were not looking good. We were continued until the next morning at 7am, an unheard of time in the court system! The judge said we have to get this done. My lawyer gave me a list of questions she was going to ask, and I prepared for hours that evening. When we began the next morning, my lawyer asked me none of the questions, I had no idea what was going on. I actually had tears rolling down my face.
As the judge said she was ready to render her decision, my wife asked if she could speak. My lawyer jumped up and objected, but the judge said she would allow it. My wife talked about the bond between a mother and her daughters, and even said to the judge, as a mother you must understand. By now I was actually crying.
The judge said, "You're right, Mrs. Bosco, I do understand the bond between a mother and daughter, and that's why the hardest thing I ever have to do is give custody to the father, but that is what I am doing here."
I barely heard it, I was in a daze, my wife was screaming, I was in shock. As my lawyer told me afterwards, the judge had told her that morning, that I had won, unless I did something stupid. That's why she didn't ask me any of the prepared questions!
We have had a wonderful life. My daughters grew up to be wonderful young ladies. Their mother is been in and out of their lives. I don't think there was a weekend that she didn't bring them home early, or I had to go get them because they were miserable. She ended up moving out of state when they were in the 7th and 4th grades. They were devistated, but we got through it. When my daughter graduated from college, her career brought her near her mom. After a few months, she asked me, "How could you marry this woman?"!!
Bottom line, don't ever give up the fight, whether kids are involved or not.