Death in the family

[The Uninvited]

My dad died 2 weeks ago.  We had a very poor relationship due to the fact that he left the country when I was in 20s and didn’t mention that he never planned to see his family again.  My mom hired a lawyer and tried to sue for a divorce and alimony for about a year but she never got anywhere with it. She had been a housewife for their entire married life. (They married the day she turned 18.)  The story was that he had drained bank accounts and took everything overseas.  He was a successful day trader and also had a background in real estate.  She had financial problems for the remainder of her life (about 9 years, she died in 2016.) At some point in late 2015 I was trying to find out where he might be and I found records of their divorce in the 90s. She didn’t seem to realize she was already divorced and it was especially confusing because they had lived together as if they were a normal married couple until 2005.  I’ve tried to maintain some sort of relationship with him over the years which only consisted of emails.  I didn’t know his phone number or where he lived exactly.  In 2016 I found that he had remarried in 2013 (public documents.) He was in his 60s at this time and she was in her 40s. He never acknowledged to me that he had a new wife.  Anyways as I said, he died 2 weeks ago and his wife sent a short email letting me know. She did not tell me where but she did give the date. His older brother suggested that I ask her for a death certificate and when I did she stopped communicating with me. I guess my question is: how would you handle this? 

Edit to add:  He left after his own father was murdered in a home robbery.

[ixtap]

Why did you ask for a death certificate?

Have you missed the service or could you still email to ask where? It might provide you with some closure.

[The Uninvited]

Why did you ask for a death certificate?

Have you missed the service or could you still email to ask where? It might provide you with some closure.

My uncle was hoping to learn what the cause of death was and where he died.

I wasn’t informed of any services. I was told he wanted to be cremated. I do know he died in the Dominican Republic.

[Sibley]

I would handle it by going to therapy and working through whatever tangle of emotions you have from your father abandoning you. Even though you were an adult. The rest of it? Nothing to do it sounds like. If your uncle wants information, he's got as good a chance of getting it as you do.

[GilesMM]

Not sure what it is you are hoping to handle. Is there anything to handle aside from grief, which everyone handles best they can?

[Freedomin5]

Was he a citizen of the Dominican Republic? If not, could you reach out to the embassy for details? For example, if your dad was an American citizen, you could seek assistance from the American embassy in the DR. they would be aware of a death of a U.S. citizen and could provide guidance possibly.

[Miss Piggy]

I'm puzzled as to why you would create a new account on a financial forum to ask about "handling" a death of someone you haven't seen in 20 years. What exactly are you wanting to "handle"?

[Catbert]

It sounds like you spooked her by asking for a death certificate.  She thought you might show up at her doorstep or try to get money from his estate.  Leave it alone.

[uniwelder]

I'm puzzled as to why you would create a new account on a financial forum to ask about "handling" a death of someone you haven't seen in 20 years. What exactly are you wanting to "handle"?

Agreed.  I certainly hope this isn't an account made just for shits and giggles. 

My father died 2 years ago and we didn't speak for about 13 years prior.  He had turned into such a hateful person and alienated himself from nearly everyone.  There was no service, and no more than a 5 minute discussion of "your dad died a couple of days ago".  There wasn't much to handle. 

OP--- Just reflect on it for a little and move on.  That's what your dad did 20 years ago.  You know he remarried and the new wife (or maybe your dad faking his own death) has had all the contact with you that she (or he) desired.  Unless you think you're included in a will, what is there to pursue?

[Freedomin5]

Having a family member who went through something similar, I can understand why the OP might want some closure and proof that what he is being told is true.

[The Uninvited]

Having a family member who went through something similar, I can understand why the OP might want some closure and proof that what he is being told is true.

What happened with your family member and what was the outcome? Do you mind sharing?

[ChpBstrd]

I assume you mean how to handle any potential inheritance you might have from the estate.

First, get all documents from officials in the Dominican Republic through official channels, not from someone you are emailing.

You need to be sure your dad was legally married at the time of his death, and to whom he was legally married. Second, you need to see that death certificate rather than relying on word of mouth from someone with an email account. Probably she inherited 100% of assets as a spouse, but you need someone to check into whether he had a will.

Bear in mind that you may be in line to inherit assets if the bereaved wife dies. If dad was a multi-millionaire, this could be a lot.

To accomplish all this, I suggest hiring a lawyer in the D.R. Hire a lawyer in your home country to help you find the lawyer in the D.R. and translate if necessary.