Dealing with unrealistic workload... seeking advice

[BiggerFishToFI]

Hey all,

Below is a summary of my situation. Any and all advice is appreciated, but something has to change! Thanks in advance

NW ~1.8MM, no debt. (0.9MM pre-tax, 0.9MM post-tax)
Renter, no mortgage but may purchase a house ~$700k over the next year.
Expenses ~120k per year (50k of which is child care for 2 under 2)
My income: 180k per year (90% remote + 10% travel, 5 days/wk)
Spouse Income: 120k per year (100% remote,  4 days/wk)
We are on spouses insurance and only benefits of my job are a 5% 401k match + cell phone stipend.

Our second kiddo is due imminently. My job workload is affecting my physical and mental health. We are a small company (~15 employees) and are way understaffed with way too much work in the pipeline. I'm finding myself stressing about work and not being present with my family and that needs to change. I'm here in my office working on a Sunday to prep some programming for a demonstration tomorrow. I've worked ~50% nights and weekends for the past 6 weeks. We are close to FI but not there yet. Wife's job is good with a great work/life balance (32 hours / week, good benefits) and is supportive whatever path I choose.

The way I see it i have a few options:

Option 1)
Status-quo and least desirable option. Grind through, work nights / weekends for a while to push through the work backlog. Travel for 3-4 weeks over the next few months. This would likely be through mid-June until things calmed down. Then push for a decrease in workload / go to 4 days per week. Make money for a few more years and push for FI.

Option 2)
Immediate hard boundaries with my employer. No travel for at least a year and no more than 40 hour weeks. This goes against the company culture and due to the workload I worry that it will be just as stressful for me as I don't want to see projects fail / balls get dropped / clients get pissed. I'm a key employee and the others are going to struggle to make things happen on their own. If I can pull it off it could be a good segway into working more part-time for this company for the remainder of my career.

Option 3)
Quit. Take a few months off to a year with the newborn. This would decrease expenses from 120k to 80k (no daytime nanny) and I would be the primary daytime caregiver for an infant 4 days/week. Figure things out in a year, start my own consulting company, get another job / coast until FI.

Option 4)
Find another job. This would likely with more travel in my industry to match current pay. I could focus on a 100% remote job but would probably be a 50% paycut and a career pivot.

[Omy]

Assuming you like your job, talk to your employer. If you can't come up with a plan that gives you better work/life balance you are in great shape to go for option 3 or 4.

[ysette9]

You’ve got enough money in the bank that you can go ahead and draw hard boundaries. I’d plan with your spouse what you want and what you are and are not wiling to take. Write it down clearly (literally). Then go to your employer and lay down the law. Be polite and professional. Cite whatever you need (upcoming kiddo, health, burnout) and say that going forward you will only work X hours a week and won’t do travel (or whatever your terms are).

If they don’t like it, they can let you go. Stick to your guns though. You can start putting out feelers for another kob. You can also plan on taking a break for a while to regroup. Your spouse’s income covers expenses, so you have breathing room. Take it.

[Car Jack]

If you don't want your employer to expect you to work 100 hours a week, you need to set boundaries.  I have been in a job where the boss decided that everyone should work an extra hour a day beyond 8 for no pay because "that's what professional engineers do".  Well, I had been an engineer longer than they had been out of high school and they're full of BS.  No, nobody does that.  Sure, the military contractors sometimes do the extra hours but guess what?  They get paid time and a half for all the extra hours.

You have to teach yourself to limit yourself to 8 hours a day.  If others ask you what's going on, it's completely legitimate to tell them that the workload has continued to increase beyond unreasonable.  They need to hire more or get less.  Here's my 8 hour task.  If you want me to do some other work, what of my current 8 hour tasks do you want me not to do?  And yes, I have asked this to a manager looking to give me more work when they laid another engineer off.

Prioritize.  What's the most important task.  At one job, all the managers thought I was a genius and asked me to teach the other engineers how I do it.  This was in support of sales and I had in my cubical a 4 foot by 8 foot white board.  On it, I wrote each project.  Next to the project and customer name was the potential in sales in dollars.  Usually it was a sales person looking to add to my work and get help for their customer.  I'd point at the board and ask "Which customer there is your opportunity bigger than?".  They always walked away.  Usually newbie sales people who found a customer who I helped in the past and they moved employers to a small fry with no chance to make any money even if we sold them every part in their system.  I don't know if your job has this but if there are a number of projects, the little ones get back burnered forever.  Hand them to the new employee who gets hired.

[the lorax]

You could try option 2 for a month/few months (although it sounds like you have a new child due very soon so you might not be able to give your company that long). Write a plan as others have mentioned and have a date when you will review with your partner if the boundaries are holding (or at least to the degree that your workload is now manageable). If they aren't, I'd vote go for option 3 :) Newborns need time and your wife will need support too! You sound burned out and you have enough options to be able to take 6-12 months off at least and be the primary carer, best of luck

[Laura33]

Well, the first change is in yourself.  You know who ends up working the most?  The person who cares most.  As long as you are unwilling to let certain projects fail or disappoint customers, you're always going to get sucked in to fixing the other employees' problems.

I'd start with breaking down the type of work you are doing.  I don't know enough about what you do to give advice, but it can be per customer, per project, per type of activity, whatever.  Then make up the job description for your ideal job at this place -- and make it clear to yourself that you have no responsibility for anything that is outside the four corners of that document, and you will not take responsibility for those other things.

When you have that done, go to your boss, and tell them (politely) that you need to change around some of your duties, and here is what you'd propose (and that you're happy to go part-time if the duties you want aren't a full 40-hr week).  See what they say.  If you get a positive response, then yay!  Go execute.  If they say no, then give notice and become a SAHP for a while until you figure out what's next. 

Your DW makes enough money to cover all of your needs indefinitely, and your investments will grow on their own even if you don't add another penny.  You don't need this job, or any job at all.  I understand you want the extra money, because you want a nice house and a nanny and all that.  But your mental and physical health are far more important.  Get that straightened out first, then go from there.

And contratulations on the pending new addition!

[dandarc]

Start with option 2 & be willing to do option 3 if they say no. Have your notice letter written and ideally in-hand when you meet with your boss to try and establish the boundaries - nothing will communicate I'm serious about this more than actually being willing to quit.

You have FU money - if there's not a situation to use that to gain some confidence right here, when will there ever be?

[LongtimeLurker]

I would vote option 3. I couldn't imagine working that many hours with a newborn AND a 2 year old in the house. Honestly, you have enough that, even buying a house for $700,000, you should have enough where you can quit, take care of the kiddos for the next 6 years until they are both in school, and then reassess what you want to do in life.

$1,800,000
-$700,000
= $1,100,000

Compounded quarterly at a conservative 5% interest for 6 years = $1,482,086.16.
Expenses = $70K  * 25 = $1,750,000

You are really close. You will actually hit your number in a little more than 9 years even if you contribute $0 more. You have done a great job saving up to this point. Its OK to take a break, you have earned it. Considering you also would not be paying rent in this scenario, your expenses would be even less, so you might hit your number in even less time.

[ChickenStash]

For option 1, grinding through the backlog, is it realistic that the backlog would ever actually go away? Everywhere I've been, work always comes in faster than people can actually complete it so being "caught up" isn't realistic.

I'd start with option 2, set boundaries. First, I'd set them for myself w/o talking to the boss and see where things wind up. When new work comes in, give a realistic estimate to the boss and make it their problem to set the priority. "Boss, I'm currently working on projects W, X, and Y. I can get to project Z next week. If you need it faster, which of the others should I stop doing?"

If you get pushback from the boss, be absolutely clear how many hours you are putting in at the current workload and be clear how you can only support a 40hr week (or however that works with travel). Being very clear is critical here, don't assume your boss is actually aware of your workload because I find they often aren't. If you want to say it's because of the new kiddo (Congrats!) then go ahead, but they don't really need to know why. From there, it might move on to Options 3/4 depending on how the boss reacts.

From an attitude perspective, just remember that as an employee it is not your problem to figure a lot of this out so worrying about is not doing you or anyone else any good. If they are understaffed, they need to hire more people or get temps/contractors to pick up the slack temporarily. If mgmt is doing a terrible job prioritizing projects (extremely common) then they need to figure that out. In any case, not your problem.

[BiggerFishToFI]

Thanks all, gives me some good stuff to think about. Especially about me needing to change my mindset, which I am not sure I'll be able to do but I am going to try!

I'm going to exhaust all my vacation over the next month (since I get ZERO paternity leave), think a lot, then have the discussion with my boss.

My current plan is to push for no travel for the foreseeable future, plus a 4 day work week and see what happens.

We have some big projects starting up in March, so in the discussion I'm going to commit to pushing those through because they will fail without me, but I will not be travelling for them.

Grateful to have found this community back in 2017 and have increased our NW from just over 100k to where we are today (1.8MM), borderline FI and certainly FI if we moved to a M/LCOL area. If you are reading this and not there yet, this stuff works! We had a very high savings rate (70%+) for 4-5 years prior to having kids which obviously helped a ton.

I'll update y'all in a few months, wish me luck and see you on the other side!

[dandarc]

. . .
We have some big projects starting up in March, so in the discussion I'm going to commit to pushing those through because they will fail without me, but I will not be travelling for them.
. . .

This is another mindset thing (that I still struggle with) - no those projects will not fail without you. Deadlines and expectations might have to change without you, but these projects, if they are worth doing, must be bigger than any one person.

So if your boss is telling you that, it is a sign that you are in a very strong negotiating position - ask for a lot, more than you think they'll give you. If it is you telling yourself that, as a thought exercise think about what would happen if you won the lottery and left with no notice. Do you think your company would just abandon those big projects? I sincerely doubt it. And from what you've shared upthread, you have won that lottery, so maybe this is not just a hypothetical thought experiment for you.

[BiggerFishToFI]

. . .
We have some big projects starting up in March, so in the discussion I'm going to commit to pushing those through because they will fail without me, but I will not be travelling for them.
. . .

This is another mindset thing (that I still struggle with) - no those projects will not fail without you. Deadlines and expectations might have to change without you, but these projects, if they are worth doing, must be bigger than any one person.

So if your boss is telling you that, it is a sign that you are in a very strong negotiating position - ask for a lot, more than you think they'll give you. If it is you telling yourself that, as a thought exercise think about what would happen if you won the lottery and left with no notice. Do you think your company would just abandon those big projects? I sincerely doubt it. And from what you've shared upthread, you have won that lottery, so maybe this is not just a hypothetical thought experiment for you.

You're right, they would not fail without me. The company would figure out a way to complete them, maybe not on-time, maybe not as polished, but they would get done, they always do.

I guess what I struggle with is I feel my boss, and mostly my colleagues would feel I'd screwed them by stepping down with such short notice. And salvaging those relationships, while stepping back is really the goal and my reasoning for wanting to step up and push them through.

Given the company culture, I'm not sure it will be possible to pull off without me being made out as the bad guy/non-team player/lazy/whatever other feelings will come from myself having a reduced workload and conversely others having an increased workload.

I wish it were as simple as the owner just needs to "staff-up" to meet our workload but my industry is niche where it is extremely hard to hire help, and generally takes 3-5 years of experience for new hires to get up to speed and productive. So it is either say no to new work or pile more on my colleagues, and I'm certain which one of those the owner will choose (I don't believe they have ever said no to new work)

I just need to accept that my boss and some of my colleagues will be annoyed with my decision, some of them will understand and some will be jealous. But I need to do what's best for myself and my family at this stage in life.

[Laura33]

. . .
We have some big projects starting up in March, so in the discussion I'm going to commit to pushing those through because they will fail without me, but I will not be travelling for them.
. . .

This is another mindset thing (that I still struggle with) - no those projects will not fail without you. Deadlines and expectations might have to change without you, but these projects, if they are worth doing, must be bigger than any one person.

So if your boss is telling you that, it is a sign that you are in a very strong negotiating position - ask for a lot, more than you think they'll give you. If it is you telling yourself that, as a thought exercise think about what would happen if you won the lottery and left with no notice. Do you think your company would just abandon those big projects? I sincerely doubt it. And from what you've shared upthread, you have won that lottery, so maybe this is not just a hypothetical thought experiment for you.

You're right, they would not fail without me. The company would figure out a way to complete them, maybe not on-time, maybe not as polished, but they would get done, they always do.

I guess what I struggle with is I feel my boss, and mostly my colleagues would feel I'd screwed them by stepping down with such short notice. And salvaging those relationships, while stepping back is really the goal and my reasoning for wanting to step up and push them through.

Given the company culture, I'm not sure it will be possible to pull off without me being made out as the bad guy/non-team player/lazy/whatever other feelings will come from myself having a reduced workload and conversely others having an increased workload.

I wish it were as simple as the owner just needs to "staff-up" to meet our workload but my industry is niche where it is extremely hard to hire help, and generally takes 3-5 years of experience for new hires to get up to speed and productive. So it is either say no to new work or pile more on my colleagues, and I'm certain which one of those the owner will choose (I don't believe they have ever said no to new work)

I just need to accept that my boss and some of my colleagues will be annoyed with my decision, some of them will understand and some will be jealous. But I need to do what's best for myself and my family at this stage in life.

The way you mitigate these risks is to plan out a gradual stepping back, vs. waiting until you're completely overwhelmed and quit entirely.

OK, maybe you have projects that you are committed to, and that others cannot do well and on time.  Then see those projects through, but don't take on any more new ones -- and start saying no to tasks that others can do as well as you can.  Develop a plan that allows you to step back a bit at a time, so you're not leaving anyone in the lurch, and you're giving the boss time to hire and train one of those newbies. 

FWIW, I also have some things at work that I couldn't just drop without really screwing people over.  Part of my succession planning involves distinguishing between those things I need to stay on and those I can hand off, developing the younger folks behind me to handle more responsibility, and figuring out a glide path that allows me to taper off the amount of work I do until I'm ready to actually retire.  Honestly, I recently got a little grumpy when I realized some new circumstances meant I was at least 2 years out -- but then I realized that I can work from anywhere, so even if DH does finally pull the plug, I'm good.

One of the things conscientious people deal with is this feeling that everything will fall apart without us.  And yet the world does continue to spin, and people figure things out.  I mean, not too long after I started my job, a 42-yr-old dropped dead of a heart attack.  It was terrible for everyone, but the firm continued, and we found others to step in.  So part of changing that mindset is realizing that, yes, there are certain things that we can do better than others in the job, but the place isn't actually going to go under if we get hit by a bus.* 

And, frankly, if the place would go under if we were hit by a bus, we're doing something seriously wrong and need to start hiring and training people ASAP.


*It's also worth objectively assessing whether your perception is actually true.  I think we've all worked for people who think they're God's gift to the job and the world would stop spinning in their absence, and everyone around them just rolls their eyes and ignores them.  Sometimes that perception of importance is true, but sometimes it is driven by ego, or by a need to feel like you matter/are needed somewhere -- I mean, it's not like school, where we have continuing graded assessments to tell us whether we're actually doing as well as we think we are.  Not suggesting this is the case here at all, but when you have a knee-jerk reaction to something, it's usually good to stop and question whether your assumptions are actually true.

[BiggerFishToFI]

Ha! Thanks for the ego check, I'm sure it plays a part.

We have also had a key team member die (car crash), about a year ago, and that definitely contributes to the situation I'm in.  Everyone just absorbed more work and no attempt to fill that void has been made by the owner.

I believe the owner is in a comfortable spot, making $0.5-1MM+ per year profit and sees no need to change things up.

I'm obviously partially responsible for all of this, and if I had started saying no to projects a year ago maybe I wouldn't be so overwhelmed today. One day at a time for now and we'll see where I end up.

[mistymoney]

Well, the first change is in yourself.  You know who ends up working the most?  The person who cares most.  As long as you are unwilling to let certain projects fail or disappoint customers, you're always going to get sucked in to fixing the other employees' problems.

I'd start with breaking down the type of work you are doing.  I don't know enough about what you do to give advice, but it can be per customer, per project, per type of activity, whatever.  Then make up the job description for your ideal job at this place -- and make it clear to yourself that you have no responsibility for anything that is outside the four corners of that document, and you will not take responsibility for those other things.

When you have that done, go to your boss, and tell them (politely) that you need to change around some of your duties, and here is what you'd propose (and that you're happy to go part-time if the duties you want aren't a full 40-hr week).  See what they say.  If you get a positive response, then yay!  Go execute.  If they say no, then give notice and become a SAHP for a while until you figure out what's next. 

Your DW makes enough money to cover all of your needs indefinitely, and your investments will grow on their own even if you don't add another penny.  You don't need this job, or any job at all.  I understand you want the extra money, because you want a nice house and a nanny and all that.  But your mental and physical health are far more important.  Get that straightened out first, then go from there.

And contratulations on the pending new addition!

Yep - if you do it generally they justt stop noticing it as alot and just keep expecting it to get done. My advice would be to just set your boundaries with yourself. Then you bring to employer - I have x,y,z,p,d,q on my plate with {deadlines per each}. I can do x,y,d,q at a low quaility or I can do x and d very well. Let boss/whoever indicate which way to go, or help set priorities on whic projects should be done.

But just stop working all those hours.

See if that lands you in hot water or not, and then your way forward will be clearer.

[Shuchong]

Your employer sounds like they're too small for FMLA leave, but is there any unpaid state leave you could take for the birth of your second kid?  And even if there isn't, a child is a really great reason to put boundaries in place. 

Also, you have $1.8 million!  Time for it to work for you.  You're thinking about quitting anyway.  Consider leveling with your job, telling them it's not sustainable, and working out a part-time deal or something while the kids are little. 

[JAYSLOL]

Another vote for option 3, followed by finding another job or contracting work.  If your employer was likely to take hard boundaries and allow you to carry on working but with a more healthy lifestyle you wouldn’t have posted this.  The fact that it goes against company culture tells me it’s not likely to work out, I have a similar role in a nearly identical size company with i have more responsibilities and work hours than I’d like, but I don’t have nearly the NW you do, I’m still like a decade away from anywhere close to FI, so I think that gives you a massive leg up and I think you could probably coast-fi with some part time consulting work no problem at the best egg you’ve built up.  Good luck!