Hi MMMers,
I was inspired to make this topic from the one "What would you have done differently in your 20s". Part of the reason I love MMM forums is because of such a variation in the community. I really value the advice and words of the people who are older and have been through all this already.
A little background: I'm a 20 year old guy at a state university. I've been in two relationships throughout college; the latter ended about a month ago. Both relationships didn't last very long but I experienced a lot of personal growth and understanding because of them.
First, I'm really not making this topic to toot my own horn. I just want some people to share their experiences and offer advice.
I'm social, have plenty of exposure to women, decently attractive, attend parties, am apart of clubs, events, everything. The bottom line is though I'm not interested in hooking up. Some might call me a "relationship guy". I've been at parties and rejected women because I'm just not into hooking up for the heck of it. I don't think this would make me happy whatsoever. I have an amazing life right now filled with awesome people, experiences, and opportunities - I could not be luckier. I'm perfectly content with waiting for a great long-term relationship.
The question is: am I approaching the college dating scene with the wrong attitude? A lot of people have said in the other topic that they would've talked to more women, hadn't gotten married so early, and had spent more time being single before settling down.
Hope I've gotten my question across. Thanks!
I have been following this since the op just because I have similarities, now I'm thinking I should give my 2 cents. So I personally have always been a "relationship" guy. I was the guy that couldn't stay single, probably some identity issues but also because I have always thought that the more time I take to find "her" the less time we get to spend together. Hopeless romantic if you will. Anyhow in high school I looked, got heart broken a couple of times, eventually moved from my hometown to go to college. I found an old friend from my hometown who was going to the same school, we started out as friends for over a year, then dated for over a year until she cheated. I was heartbroken for months. I had 2 more relationships that aren't worth mentioning then I met this girl through a friend. Her and I started talking and I found out that she was a hopeless romantic too. She was dating, and holding onto a loser (ie 8 years older, lives with mom and brother, no job so takes money from family to pay for dates.) a couple points I want to make with her, we both started out being friends, venting about the woes of relationships. She is a church go-er, I am not. She had what we call her "party phase" after she had been cheated on and rebelliously slept around for around a year. And the last point is I had not yet found this community/mindset. I grew up with my dad loving dave Ramsey so I was of the mindset of save 15% and enjoy the rest. I think it would be fairly easy to tell a potential spouse you want to save 15%. Once I found this community and read for a few months I spoke with her and told her I have a new non-negotiable. I would not be happy with anything less then a 50% savings rate. I told her since we are both college goers, we should be able to live the life our non-college goer friends live, without debt, and while still saving at least 50%. Anyways, we have now been together 18 months, she talks about marriage fairly often and likes to casual send me pictures of rings she likes. I personally am not ready to get on that knee yet so I will continue to get to know her. I'll sum up my points below because I wrote a novel here.
1) the freedom of college is too much for many and they go crazy. Girls now grow up with idols like Kim kardashian who make porn tapes, it is not surprising to me that many girls sleep around thinking it is what guys want, it makes them an "independent women" and that if a relationship comes from it great, if not, why can't they have fun just like the guys? Don't write them off because they are currently sleeping around, they could be amazing intelligent individuals looking for a relationship in the wrong places.
2) my advice on the money front is first take some time (3-6 months) to see how they handle money on their own without any input from you. If you find yourself a saver, lucky you, I was not so lucky. Regardless of saver or not, my advice is once you have a little more skin in the game (3-6 months) then to bring up money, ask her about her ideas on money, (hint most people don't have ideas on money) then share your own ideas. If your opening line on date 1 is I want to retire by 32 by using the power of frugality, you won't get very far. Give it time.
3) don't get too wrapped up with the idea of finding someone to marry. I had this mindset until age 21 and all it ever caused my was heartbreak. Try to look of it more as stepping stones. If a relationship doesn't work out, no worries, you are one step closer to "her." Try to make it work, but try not to set yourself up for heartbreak.
4) tip I learned the hard way- if they cheat on someone with you, or leave someone for you, they are likely to do the same to you. It is not because they love you and you are meant to be, it is likely because the last relationship lost excitement and they want the excitement back.
That is all the wisdom I have got buddy. I am a 22 year old male set to graduate in June (if I can pass!) if you have any questions or want more detail on my experiences feel free to ask. I have gone through what you are talking about and currently in the middle of another trial.
Tangent, it is funny how up until 21 I was in such a hurry to find someone and get married. Now that I have someone who constantly hints about marriage I really don't feel ready for it. Good luck