concerned mama needs some mustachian advice

[concerned_mama]

I write to you mustachians in hopes of getting some advice.  My husband has started following the mustachian way going on three months now.  I am on board with this and am excited to see what we can do, how we  can save now so we can retire early, etc.  The issue I am having is this is consuming my husbands every waking moment.  We have two small children at home and he is missing out on a lot because he is on his phone researching, reviewing, reading MMM. My husband will come him from work, which he hates, and immediately get on his phone to do more browsing on MMM.  Him hating his job just adds more fuel to this fire. 

It is almost an obsession and seems to be all that matters to him which then makes me start hating MMM. I don't want to hate cause I'm down with the MMM way of thinking and living but I want my husband around and I want my kids to have their daddy involved with their growing up.  The other day my youngest son, who is 11 months old, took his first step and my husband missed it because his eyes were glued to his phone screen.

Any advice on how to help my husband balance his time? How should I approach him and ask him to scale back a little without him thinking I'm hatin' on something he's so into? I want to support him with this. Please help this concerned mama.

[lizzzi]

Maybe just sitting down and talking things over will help. I know that when I discovered MMM I spent a lot of time reading the old blogs, going over my own finances, and doing a lot of reading on the forums. It was definitely a sea-change for the better in my life, and I did give it a lot of time and thought. I still spend a good deal of my online time reading and sometimes commenting on the forums--but I have learned to pick and choose--don't read everything by a long shot--try to comment only when I have something useful or maybe a little entertaining to say. And living our MMM kind of lifestyle means spending a lot of time off the computer--not on it--to be with friends or family, getting some fresh air and exercise, doing something fun…whatever.

[Sasha]

If he hates his job, he does not feel well (he might even feel a sort of restless depression that makes it hard for him to relax and enjoy family life) and he is trying to find new ways for a better life. I think it's great if MMM helps him find healthy answers. But MMM should not become just an addiction in the virtual world, but an inspiration for real life change. His first step should be to find a better, more satisfying job, I think. He'll feel better and will not be as likely to be glued to his phone. You might also need to step your foot down and, together, set some rules with specific times where virtual search is allowed. The virtual search is helpful and healthy only if practical change follows.

[sheepstache]

You could refer him to MMM's post on the advantages of a low-information diet.  You could refer him to MMM's post on the bedpan/catheter metaphor.  Being glued to a device seems counter to both of those.  You could also point on the post about muscle over motor which while it doesn't offer a counter to the current behavior espouses the ethic of DIY and physical fitness which might make him realize the negative aspects of sitting like a slug on the couch each night.  Perhaps you could get him to play with the children by pretending they're free weights.

Plus, you could tell him that you're interested in reading more Mr. Money Mustache too, and that you need him to watch the kids while you do.

Also, I wouldn't worry too much.  I think the obsession is temporary.  Once you get into the swing of the lifestyle, you don't feel like you have to be constantly reading the blog.

[albsure52]

Your husband is a bum.

[ThirdTimer]

Wow, how ironic -- missing out on all that quality time with his family because he's trying to learn all about Mustachianism so he can retire early and spend quality time with him family! I think you need to talk to him about this. You've articulated your concerns in very respectfully and reasonably here--maybe you can just direct him to this post? But I think if he understands that you're on board with Mustachianism, that you want to incorporate it into both of your lives, but you really want him to spend more time with the kids when he gets home from work, it seems like that would be a really good jumping off point for a conversation. Perhaps he can read the blog after the kids go to bed, or after spending X amount of time with the kids first. If he really hates his job, my guess is that retreating into the blog after work both makes him feel like he's finding a path out, and also serves as a form of escapism--one day I won't be in this shitty job and I'll have a great life like MMM's!--which can both be more of a release than spending time with young kids, who can be very draining! But that doesn't make it OK for him to disappear from his family life; it just may help explain his behavior.

[wtjbatman]

I feel this is a joke. But if it's not, how about forwarding him this thread to read so he knows how you really feel? I know I would want my wife to tell me if something was bothering her this badly.

[concerned_mama]

This is no joke......I would not waste my time writing all this if I wasn't really concerned. Since writing this I have spoken with my husband and we plan to make the necessary changes.

[concerned_mama]

Peace out MMM!

[Pinkie Mustache]

We unplug one full day a week - no phones, no computer, no movies, etc. This might be a good goal to set and it's wonderful for family time. 

[DoubleDown]

I'm a husband. Good for you on already working it out to some degree. I'd like to believe that this may just be a short term thing that will largely resolve itself once your husband has gotten through the initial interest. I wasn't as "obsessed" perhaps as your husband, but I was a pretty voracious reader of MMM's articles upon first discovering his blog. I'll bet things will wane in the not-too-distant future as he gets through the articles and gets a handle on the personal finances.

So, even though you may have already worked it out, I guess my advice would be maybe try to be a little patient and see if things die down in a few weeks. If, after a month or so, he's still devoting too much time and attention, then maybe some more intervention will be required. That doesn't mean he gets to skirt his responsibilities or neglect you and the family for the next few weeks -- he still needs to mind those things -- just that I suspect things will largely resolve themselves pretty soon.

[surfhb]

For me personally, I think the goal is not to have to visit this site ever again once you have the whole MMM thing dialed in

[arebelspy]

Many people get sucked in and spend a lot of time at first.  Then once you've got it, the time requirement tapers off.  It's been a few months now, he'll settle into a routine soon enough.  I would talk to him, like you've done, but not worry too much.