Author Topic: Coming out to family slowly  (Read 12060 times)

mozar

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Coming out to family slowly
« on: October 04, 2014, 08:11:04 PM »
A little bit of back story.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2018, 12:34:54 PM by mozar »

Stache In Training

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2014, 08:20:39 PM »
Good luck, I found that family just doesn't want to talk about money.  but if that bridge has been crossed, I feel the hard part is done. once you're ready to share this website, I'd go with this https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BzWBecLbSYcH-QpHMo4HTJgQdCmjYHumK27X_ks_pPY/edit

mozar

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2014, 08:27:03 PM »
Well my family is extremely nosy. They would love to see a breakdown of my income, expenses, and savings! But mostly because they want to compare me to my cousins.
Thanks for the google doc!

tracylayton

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2014, 08:51:51 PM »
My mother seems to be embarrassed when people ask me what I do, and I say that I am retired (I'm 50). She will tell them, "Well, she still does a little real estate and manages her rental properties... so, she's not REALLY retired". I always say, "Mom, I really am retired and it really is OKAY. There's nothing wrong with it"!

MikeBear

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #4 on: October 04, 2014, 08:53:27 PM »
They'll probably continue to think you are just NUTS.

Then, at least one of them is going to hit you up for a loan, because you obviously are rich!

Be prepared.

Personally, I wouldn't tell them anything else, or even bring it up until MAYBE you are a couple years into FIRE.

mozar

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2014, 09:07:53 PM »
Some of them have asked me for loans and I have turned them down. I have very firm boundaries. They also think I'm cheap anyway. I worry about them telling someone who tries to sue me just to drain my cash. But I think I'm being paranoid there.
And they think I'm nuts anyway for other reasons.

surfhb

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2014, 12:06:17 AM »
I can't understand why people have an issue with telling friends and family you're FIRE.   You should be proud of it!    I'd be telling anyone who would listen. :)

MikeBear

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2014, 12:57:57 AM »
I can't understand why people have an issue with telling friends and family you're FIRE.   You should be proud of it!    I'd be telling anyone who would listen. :)

Because people are typically judgmental, and doing so (retiring early) is so far out of a regular persons knowledge, they simply can't understand it. They tend to think that person thinking of retiring early is crazy, and it can ruin relationships. Just read other threads here where that's happened. I gave up telling others after talking to the 6th person about it. Only ONE person "got it" and had an open mind about it.

It's better to keep quiet, DO IT, and then tell them about it after it's all settled down and they can't dispute it's possible, and/or that you are crazy.

VirginiaBob

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2014, 04:04:10 AM »
LOL!  Reading the title, I thought this was about being gay.  We should do the same thing though - call ourselves the Mustachian coalition and march on Washington for special rights.  "Mom, I have something to tell you.; what is it dear.?  I have to come out of the closet and tell you - I'm musta chain;.  Nooooo!  Anything but that.  What will the neighbors think?!"

Squirrel away

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2014, 04:55:51 AM »
I thought this was to do with sexual orientation also at first haha.:D

I have told my husband not to mention anything to his family or friends about him retiring early as I worry they will ask him for money! I have mentioned it to my younger sibling a few times now but he just thinks it's another one of my ideas that I get excited/obsessed by, as I do that all the time.:)

SwordGuy

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #10 on: October 05, 2014, 07:48:00 AM »
It took about a year before my mom realized this wasn't some mid-life crisis and that I had actually really thought this thing thru.

pachnik

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #11 on: October 05, 2014, 07:58:39 AM »
It took about a year before my mom realized this wasn't some mid-life crisis and that I had actually really thought this thing thru.

Hi SwordGuy, your post made me laugh.  I will be retiring in mid to late 50's so nothing startling there at all.


Chrissy

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #12 on: October 05, 2014, 11:47:50 AM »
Historically, people in my family are nosy, and the game for us all is to keep the information private with a sense of humor, and without offending anyone.  Here are some of my favorite exchanges from my own nosy people:

Q:  What could you possibly do with all that time off?
A:  Anything I want, every second of the day.

Q:  Aren't you worried you're just going to sit in front of the television and get fat?
A:  I've been living this way for 7 years.  Am I fat?

Q:  Not yet, but aren't you worried about it?
A:  Nah.  That only happens to people with no imagination.

Q:  What are you going to do with that raise/bonus/windfall?
A:  Spend it any way I want.

Q:  Why don't you give some of your extra money to me?  I'm your pal, and I could really use it!
A:  Wouldn't it be great it live in a world where people just gave us money??? (deflection!)

Q:  But, seriously, why don't you just give some to me?
A:  (with a big smile) But you wouldn't enjoy it, because you didn't work for it.  I couldn't do that to you!

Q:  How much was that raise/bonus/windfall, anyway?
A:  That would be telling. (one of my Grandma's stock responses!)

Q:  Yes, it would.  Tell me!
A:  Oh, no.  Wouldn't do to tell.  (another one of Grandma's)

Q:  Well, what does your sister make?
A:  She doesn't like to cook.

Q:  No!  What does she make from her job?
A:  Primarily money, I think.  Don't quote me.

Q:  You're infuriating!  How much money does she make at her job?
A:  Some sort of private amount.

Then, you change the subject.  You can also launch into a long story that seems like it might hold an answer to one of these questions, but really doesn't.  That's a trick I learned from my grandfather.


 

wtjbatman

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #13 on: October 05, 2014, 12:00:49 PM »
Check out a few of the recent blog posts at Dividend Mantra for an interesting, but somewhat sad, consequence of letting your family know of your FIRE plans.

falcondisruptor

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #14 on: October 05, 2014, 12:04:39 PM »
Historically, people in my family are nosy, and the game for us all is to keep the information private with a sense of humor, and without offending anyone.  Here are some of my favorite exchanges from my own nosy people:

Q:  What could you possibly do with all that time off?
A:  Anything I want, every second of the day.

Q:  Aren't you worried you're just going to sit in front of the television and get fat?
A:  I've been living this way for 7 years.  Am I fat?

Q:  Not yet, but aren't you worried about it?
A:  Nah.  That only happens to people with no imagination.

Q:  What are you going to do with that raise/bonus/windfall?
A:  Spend it any way I want.

Q:  Why don't you give some of your extra money to me?  I'm your pal, and I could really use it!
A:  Wouldn't it be great it live in a world where people just gave us money??? (deflection!)

Q:  But, seriously, why don't you just give some to me?
A:  (with a big smile) But you wouldn't enjoy it, because you didn't work for it.  I couldn't do that to you!

Q:  How much was that raise/bonus/windfall, anyway?
A:  That would be telling. (one of my Grandma's stock responses!)

Q:  Yes, it would.  Tell me!
A:  Oh, no.  Wouldn't do to tell.  (another one of Grandma's)

Q:  Well, what does your sister make?
A:  She doesn't like to cook.

Q:  No!  What does she make from her job?
A:  Primarily money, I think.  Don't quote me.

Q:  You're infuriating!  How much money does she make at her job?
A:  Some sort of private amount.

Then, you change the subject.  You can also launch into a long story that seems like it might hold an answer to one of these questions, but really doesn't.  That's a trick I learned from my grandfather.


 

Love this!  I'd like to meet your grandpa.

iris lily

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #15 on: October 05, 2014, 12:44:17 PM »
Historically, people in my family are nosy, and the game for us all is to keep the information private with a sense of humor, and without offending anyone.  Here are some of my favorite exchanges from my own nosy people...


That dialog was hilarious! Thanks!

mozar

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #16 on: October 05, 2014, 02:11:53 PM »
Thanks for the link of dividend mantra, I will be reading that.
Being mustachian reminds me of what's it like to be in the closet and come out of the closet as a lgbt person. Thus the subject.

Beric01

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2014, 02:36:15 PM »
My family has always thought I was a bit weird (and I am!), so this early retirement stuff is just confirmation. But they're fairly frugal people, so they've been surprisingly supportive. I'm learning frugal cooking tips/etc. from them. We're pretty open with money (my Dad runs my taxes through Turbotax for me) so he knows how much I make. Overall I think it's a healthy exchange. Right now my goal is to get my Dad out of individual stocks and into index funds.

Russ

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #18 on: October 05, 2014, 04:48:36 PM »
LOL!  Reading the title, I thought this was about being gay.  We should do the same thing though - call ourselves the Mustachian coalition and march on Washington for special rights.

I would just like to point out that asking for the same rights as everyone else is hardly asking for anything "special"

wtjbatman

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #19 on: October 05, 2014, 05:27:20 PM »
LOL!  Reading the title, I thought this was about being gay.  We should do the same thing though - call ourselves the Mustachian coalition and march on Washington for special rights.

I would just like to point out that asking for the same rights as everyone else is hardly asking for anything "special"

*White Knight has entered the thread*

:D

Gin1984

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #20 on: October 05, 2014, 05:35:01 PM »
LOL!  Reading the title, I thought this was about being gay.  We should do the same thing though - call ourselves the Mustachian coalition and march on Washington for special rights.

I would just like to point out that asking for the same rights as everyone else is hardly asking for anything "special"

*White Knight has entered the thread*

:D
Expecting people to be treated equally and not talked down about is not being a "white knight" but a person with common decency and integrity.   I wish more people were like Russ.

Russ

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #21 on: October 05, 2014, 05:37:35 PM »

wtjbatman

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #22 on: October 05, 2014, 05:49:15 PM »
Well, you're not rushing to defend women, but you're definitely rushing to fight a battle that doesn't exist (unless VirginiaBob really believes what you pointed out... in which case oops)

wtjbatman

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #23 on: October 05, 2014, 05:50:34 PM »
LOL!  Reading the title, I thought this was about being gay.  We should do the same thing though - call ourselves the Mustachian coalition and march on Washington for special rights.

I would just like to point out that asking for the same rights as everyone else is hardly asking for anything "special"

*White Knight has entered the thread*

:D
Expecting people to be treated equally and not talked down about is not being a "white knight" but a person with common decency and integrity.   I wish more people were like Russ.

I guess I didn't see that from VirginiaBob's post, so I thought Russ' response was a bit strong.

Gin1984

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #24 on: October 05, 2014, 06:32:39 PM »
LOL!  Reading the title, I thought this was about being gay.  We should do the same thing though - call ourselves the Mustachian coalition and march on Washington for special rights.

I would just like to point out that asking for the same rights as everyone else is hardly asking for anything "special"

*White Knight has entered the thread*

:D
Expecting people to be treated equally and not talked down about is not being a "white knight" but a person with common decency and integrity.   I wish more people were like Russ.

I guess I didn't see that from VirginiaBob's post, so I thought Russ' response was a bit strong.
It is said over and over in GOP/conservative circles about how "the gays" are just trying to get "special rights" over nice, normal people like us.  Gag me with a spoon.  Virginia Bob said exactly what is said by those people, and either thinks that way or thinks it is ok to joke about, neither of those are ok things to do.  And, frankly, speaking up against it is the only right thing to do, IMO.  Otherwise you are saying that behavior is acceptable and I would hope no one here thinks that.

Exflyboy

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #25 on: October 05, 2014, 06:58:08 PM »
As the most misunderstood child of my family I can relate

1) First one to ever got to university
2) emigrated
3) Nerdy intellectual.. But he can't be that smart cus engineers in the UK are simply maintenance people with no education.
4) Fiercely practical (and as this does not jive with 3 means you can't believe I know anything relevant)
5) EXTREMELY different to everyone in my family
6) a "Tightwad".. Note my folks have always been deep in debt and still are to a degree.

So when I decided to ER they just don't ask and assume I'm weird... They know better to ask for money

Wife's Mother will happily drop hints she needs money.. Heck one time she even registered her car at MY house to avoid Colorado sales tax.. i.e commit fraud using my assets to do it.

I turned her into the Oregon DMV!!

Bottom line.. don't worry about it..:)

Frank

mozar

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #26 on: October 05, 2014, 08:29:28 PM »
Thanks Russ, I was coming back to say that. I'm glad that this is such a supportive forum. Although offensive, I did find Virginia Bob's comment funny. My family has been pretty supportive of my sexual orientation (different orientations throughout the years), even supportive of my transgender ex. But not being a consumer...they've really struggled with it. Maybe I should march on Washington...

Anyways I was wondering how much I should share with my family. I think I will talk about early retirement eventually, but I won't share any details. My mom and I are on a path to a healthier relationship where I could possibly talk about my goals with her, it just takes time.

Spiffsome

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #27 on: October 06, 2014, 12:19:31 AM »
I've dropped hints to my family - told them I'm paying off the mortgage next year - and DH has mentioned 'retiring in 10 years' to a few of our friends. So far, the responses have been non-committal. If anyone's surprised, they're not saying. My grandparents are proto-Mustachian, except for the bit where they kept working every minute they could, well into their late seventies, well beyond FI. They've got very strong opinions about people who stop working early (particularly men), so that's going to be difficult to bring up. On the bright side, since living very frugally is the way that they made the family fortune, no-one's giving us a hard time about the way we live.

little_owl

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #28 on: October 06, 2014, 03:24:29 AM »
I don't recommend sharing with family (or most) until after you go FIRE.  It is far to easy for others to become Doubting Thomases and that doesn't do anyone any good!

I have personally kept quiet to most people in my life, except 1 other mustachian I know IRL.  Everyone else, I can see it doing more harm than good, particularly given I am around 10 years away.

Frankly, my family currently has no grasp of what I do professionally currently (I am in consulting) so I don't even know that I would need to tell them.  Just say I took on a special assignment that requires me to be in the office far less.  I would like to spread the good word on Mustacianism, but I am sure it is like someone really passionate about their religion....keep your mouth shut unless someone asks with true and genuine curiosity.

Pooperman

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #29 on: October 06, 2014, 05:24:06 AM »
I'm young (and an only child), so any family I've told has replied with the typical 'young man's dreams' kinda thing of 'that's nice...' Or whatever. Basically they do not believe me and think it's something I'll drop after a year like most things I do. However they will be surprised when I get there and can try and give up at things to my heart's content (the challenge is to see if I can do something, and once I do, I get bored).

I've got the perfect disguise! I always need a goal in life, otherwise I feel lost, so FI is a worthy one and will last about as long as 'kick ass in school' (18 years).

Scandium

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #30 on: October 06, 2014, 08:04:14 AM »
....
I was having lunch with my mom today and she asked me when I was going to start consuming.
..

Eh, really? Is this something people actually say, or are you paraphrasing? Once you have a job it's time to start consuming? That's pretty hilarious if she actually said that.

hybrid

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #31 on: October 06, 2014, 08:45:02 AM »
While I get and understand folks that have trouble being so different from everyone around them, I find it pretty sad as well. All of my friends and family know what we are up to. When we left the country club after such a long time, that was big news to everyone. I am sure a few folks were wondering if we made the right call. We've made no secrets about our plan to get the missus into retirement years ahead of schedule.

While I only share actual numbers with a select few (and almost always folks who are on good financial footing themselves), I am the exact opposite of so many on this thread. I've become something of a Mustachian evangelical. Why would I want to keep such a badass way of living to myself???

Sorry the OP has to tiptoe around being such a badass. I get it, but damn....

retired?

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #32 on: October 06, 2014, 08:55:21 AM »
Good thread.  My parents don't know how much I made (quit in June), but from comments I think they figure it was a decent amount.  I haven't really told anyone, but many know I am not working.  Presumably, they think I am job hunting.  On the fence with that one since I could FIRE, but would be much easier in 5 since wife and kids are not on the bandwagon yet.

  Regarding FIRE and some reactions:
 
 - told one neighbor whose husband worked for the same firm.  Response "no, really?  You're kidding".  They are not good savers from what I can tell.  But, literally not a comment about it from either since.

 - one neighbor jogging by and seeing me walk my son to the bus stop asked "taking the day off?".  I said "yep". 

 - other neighbors have seen me at 7:30 walking my son to the bus stop in shorts, t-shirt and baseball hat.  I wonder what they are thinking.  No one has asked.  Also, I assume they see me mow the lawn mid-day during the week, etc.

 - My parents haven't said anything.  They are not that nosy.  I have noticed them being more "aware" of money, for lack of a better term.  i.e. know I likely won't spend like I used to (saved a lot, but earned enough to spend much more than mustachian levels).

 - On the other hand, my mother-in-law who lives about a $400-500 plane ride away hinted "a lot of my friends' kids buy them plane tickets".  This is the lady who, after I gave her some tip on saving/spending/investments said "don't worry, you'll never have to support me".

 - but, with my bro-in-law, who just finished a 24 year career in the Army, and who expressed he'd be happy as a rural route mail carrier, my dad has said "he has no ambition".  Bro-in-law would be happy fishing and spending his time outdoors.  And, he could almost RE.

 - and, most recently, when out with a few friends (all same age, 45-47) one was incredulous that I was thinking of not working again "so, you're going to throw in the towel, it was that bad......you have marketable skills".  He supposedly took his first longer-than-a-week vacation this past summer, so def a different mindset than mine.

The general view I think people has is that if a) you've made millions early on, say as a trader, banker, entrepreneur then "congrats, wish I were you", but if b) you earned perhaps the same as the friend/relative and have saved 1-3M (they won't know of course), they will think you are being very risky.  The college, work 40 years, then do nothing or golf, is very ingrained as the "normal" thing to do.

mozar

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #33 on: October 06, 2014, 06:51:02 PM »
Yeah, it's weird how if you were born rich, sold your business for 1m+ etc, it is normal to live off your assets. But people who save their money over time, it's "risky."

Yes my mom literally said that. Apparently she had been waiting with bated breath...
Later in the conversation my mom said "well if you don't want to be a consumer, there are plenty of things to spend money on, like horse riding lessons for your unborn children" (oh really, mom?).

gimp

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #34 on: October 06, 2014, 07:09:34 PM »
Quote
Then, you change the subject.  You can also launch into a long story that seems like it might hold an answer to one of these questions, but really doesn't.  That's a trick I learned from my grandfather.

Fucking gold, man. Twenty-five karat.

fantabulous

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #35 on: October 06, 2014, 07:24:39 PM »
LOL!  Reading the title, I thought this was about being gay.  We should do the same thing though - call ourselves the Mustachian coalition and march on Washington for special rights.  "Mom, I have something to tell you.; what is it dear.?  I have to come out of the closet and tell you - I'm musta chain;.  Nooooo!  Anything but that.  What will the neighbors think?!"

Telling my parents I'm trans was a lot harder than telling them that I'm hoping to retire early. I occasionally talk to them about my current debt situation, and they see how it's possible for me to just continue stashing way the money I currently throw at my hair on fire debt.

I don't really talk too much about retiring early at work, since I'm not even close to being there. I have talked a bit about this year's vigorous strangling of my student loan debts, though, and sometimes go on about the more general "live below your means".

mozar

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #36 on: October 06, 2014, 07:35:33 PM »
@fantabulous my family is generally nosy/ judgmental about everything, whether it be sexual orientation, perceived/ true gender, lack of consumerism...I'm glad you can talk to them about money (you are way brave tho). Everything is AFOG for them (another f*ing opportunity for growth).

I definitely pull the whole I have no money because of Student Loans pretty often.

MsRichLife

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Re: Coming out to family slowly
« Reply #37 on: October 06, 2014, 08:51:02 PM »
It's a tough one isn't it? Pretty much everyone in my family struggles financially except one Aunt who everyone think poorly of because she's doing ok. They are either suspicious of where her money came from or call her and her husband cheap.

In my generation I am definitely the outlier and I sense that the family is starting to think of me the same way. They think of me as the 'rich one' and therefore believe it's ok to ask me to loan family members money (family members who live fancy pants lifestyles they can't afford). I refuse to lend money to pay for my Aunt's fancy car and house cleaner when I won't spend my money on those things for myself! My mother seemed surprised when I got very angry about being asked to loan the money.

Since my husband stopped working (due to an injury sustained at work), my mother has become very nosy about money. Every time I speak to her, she asks if DH will be getting a compensation payout. We have decided to tell her nothing about our finances as a result because I'm worried about where that might lead.

I'm not yet sure how we'll explain FIRE when it happens. I might just say something non-committal like we make ends meet from investments and a bit of consulting on the side.

It's a bit sad that something that seems like a good thing (FIRE) can bring out funny responses from family and friends.