First of all thank you so much for everyone who took the time to respond.
There are a few things I should probably clarify. The situation is positive, but I don’t’ feel I’m at the independently wealthy jumping off spot that I seem to have implied, sorry if I was unclear.
My savings portfolio is about $600K, and because I have lived so fearfully, it is basically earning an average of 2.3%. There is one investment in the pack which actually brings the return percentage down, face punch, which I’m vowing to address this year. I own my own home and car free and clear and have no debts, but let me be clear, this $14,000 interest is now what I try to live off of. I find myself taking $5-7K from the annual $25-50K+, er, beneficence, so a total living expense somewhere between $19 and $21K. I am comfortable with my lifestyle and find the challenge of living on this money acceptable and invigorating, but I don’t think I want to go lower. Still, please feel free to face punch me for doing so poorly with the investing part. I am so frustrated with how I have handled this I have two black eyes and a broken nose already, a few papercuts will hardly make it worse.
Turning 50 and finding MMM were real wake up calls, I was both astonished and appalled when I read of how many people have managed to get a return in excess of 20% this year. I have been afraid of stock investing - even mutual funds - since losing a lot of money in the ? late 90's. Young and ignorant, I managed to buy stupidly high and sell ridiculously low when I panicked over losing “their” money, and have avoided the market ever since. I have also been stupidly generous to the wrong people, probably out of guilt for my own good fortune, which also needs to stop, although I’m willing and interested in putting my effort into bettering ... well, something beyond myself.
So, from a purely financial standpoint:
A first step, I want to live off interest - or my own personal income if I manage to make some - and not the benefactor principal. I would like to set a goal of $24,000 post tax income as my personal earnings goal / spending budget for 2016, and I would be happy with suggestions for investing changes to get me there.
Clearly, I would like to do better than that, compared to the investors here that’s an embarrassment. I would like to take the money in excess of $24K and turn it into an accomplishment I can be proud of. But I am still frightened of losing the portfolio principal. For better or worse, that portfolio is ... it’s the equivalent of the best job I can get, the place I can rely on for an interest ‘paycheck’ that makes me solvent. The idea of losing that ‘job’ and having to start over at 50 welcoming people to Walmart, or having to live off the benefactor gift, waiting for my check like I’m on welfare, are just not options, when it’s in my control to prevent the situation.
To those of you who have addressed my emotional vulnerability, thank you for listening and not being cruel, I know I could have received the “boo hoo is you” award instead. I have worked on therapy including codependence work, and I do get it ... these feelings of inadequacy and anxiety and indebtedness are inside of me, and no one else can get me untangled. My undeserving “life drift” is the explanation for why it’s ok for benefactor 1 to humiliate me in public, call me names and in general be rude and disrespectful toward me, but to be honest, that abuse - which was physical when I was smaller - has been going on since I was a baby and didn’t perform up to par. I never did figure out what was required, because nothing ever seemed to be the right thing, perhaps because the problem was never me in the first place. I have shown my numbers and my willingness to be careful and prudent and sometimes even self denying with this money, only to be criticized an hour later as if I had spent it all on a trip to the moon. In one ear, out the other, then embarrass me a little bit for good measure. Benefactor 2 is not judgmental, but is functionally autistic and rigidly perfectionistic about his own self - I’m not terrible, but I’m not exactly real, either, I’m just the only available depository in his money game. I believe that he loves me in his way, but it’s all very vague for him.
I have tried to make peace with this, both by limiting my exposure, by being respectful and by trying to do right by their gifts. I have not been good at finding my true path. I’ve wanted to ... hear words of approval that I’m just never going to hear. I still dread hearing more words of disapproval, and ... “Hold still and don’t make it worse” seems to have become my life’s motto. It's so much less painful than failing. But I know this is not right, there is more in me than holding still.
So, thank you for listening, and if you can ... please help me say, “oh screw that holding still shit already!"