Here is where I find myself...I'm 42, and I am in the middle of a divorce. At present, my two youngest children (16 and 14 - the other two are adults) and I are living with my parents, at their invitation. I've been married since I was a teenager and a stay-at-home parent since 1994.
I'm receiving support of $1,200/month, and my expenses here run about $600-$800/month, so even though I'm not working, I'm not falling behind. Support will double or more if/when my husband finds a job to replace the one he lost in November. The legal process should also somehow divide our assets and debts such that we each walk away with approximately $80,000-$100,000 in net worth when it is complete.
For right now, I am [somewhat] content to stay with my parents, because my children's needs are best met by maintaining the status quo. We are fairly comfortable here, although a little cramped for space, and because I don't have to work, I can be there for them in the ways each of them needs me (one is homeschooled, now in 10th grade, and doing very well; the other is in traditional school, but has some adolescent emotional issues that have made this last year a really bumpy ride. She is seeing the school psychologist regularly, and I sense that things are improving...I don't want to switch things up right now. I particularly don't want my going off to work to result in her spending a lot of time alone. It would be a real detriment to her mental health. So for now, at least until the divorce is final, the arrangement we have is the arrangement we'll be keeping.
But I need a plan for the next chapter, and here is where I'm feeling torn. My instinct is, as soon as I get the feeling that there's a good job out there for me, and that my children are ready for me to pull away a little, that I should take it. Ideally, this would happen in about a year, just before my parents permanently retire. I have never lived alone (married straight out of high school), never had any sense of independence, other than holding down the fort here and there during my husband's military deployments. I have been someone's dependent for 42 years. Even now, my husband and my parents are, in essence, sharing my dependency. I think there's a phase of personal growth, confidence-building, and development that I'm badly lacking, and it's not going to get tackled until I'm REALLY out on my own.
Now, my mother sees this differently. She thinks I should commit myself to staying here with them for a few more years, even after they retire, and use the money I save by not striking out on my own to go back to school (pursue a dental hygienist or similar program) instead of moving out and working at whatever random job will make ends meet. That means my kids living in grandma and grandpa's house basically until they're adults, and it means me being well into my mid-40s before I even so much as have my own apartment. I'm really not sure how I feel about that. Well, maybe I am...I don't like it.
My mom is very pro-education and literally told me tonight that "there's no such thing as a wasted education." I am really not convinced of that. But she keeps saying things like, "I know you want to be on your own, but I don't want you to do anything stupid," (i.e. go straight to work making $10-$15/hour without furthering my education). I should add that my parents are EXTREMELY spendy folks (who can afford to be), and can't fathom living on anything like a mustachian budget. So I think in my mother's eyes, I'm setting myself up for poverty and misery if I don't follow her footsteps into a "real job" (she's been a physical therapist for 30 years). Honestly, my lifestyle is pretty modest. I could live easily for under $30K, adjusted annually for inflation, for the rest of my life, probably less once my kids leave the nest.
Also, there is a temptation on my part to do what I have always done, to delay taking that growth step I know needs to be taken, and even want to take. Going to school was always easy for me...it would be in my comfort zone. I was always a very good student. Going to work is NOT easy for me. I'm painfully and debilitatingly shy. So going into a real career will be a huge emotional stretch for me, such that I think when I get old and gray (Ha! I'm already gray!), I'll be hugely proud to have pushed myself enough to make it happen.
So...I guess my question is this:
After this period of transition, during which I need to maintain the status quo, living with my parents, in order to make ends meet and meet my children's basic needs while the legalities are underway, should I focus on becoming independent, even though I will have to work a low-wage job with limited potential, or sacrifice independence and continue raising my kids in someone else's house, so that I can spend two years in an associate's program and THEN move out on my own, under presumably more lucrative circumstances.
You'll probably tell me it's my own emotions driving this, and it is. I feel like my life is stunted, and my mother's ideas will keep me dependent even longer. She says I want immediate gratification and shouldn't think short-term. I admit part of the reason I am thinking short-term is that my son is 16 now and my daughter 14...the days are ticking away...and I want them to see me get independent and succeed before they grow up and move away.
I sure hope this post made sense!