Author Topic: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser  (Read 5367 times)

stasher123

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Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« on: February 20, 2014, 08:43:20 PM »
Hey everyone,

My best friend is engaged to a loser. He's 40 and the first time he met me he proudly stated to me he had never had a job for more than a year. That was years ago and yes, his statement is still true.

I've known my friend for almost 20 years. We went to school and uni together. She is smart and hard-working, but she's been influenced negatively by him. She has become a flake like him. She is always tired or overwhelmed like him. She's lost her ambition, like him.

They have no money of course. They want kids in the next two years. They're too poor to have a wedding. They constantly eat out, ride in taxis, and generally spend all the money they somehow manage to earn.

Can I give her a face punch? Or should I just keep my mouth shut whenever they talk about how they stupidly spent their money?

Fireman

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Re: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2014, 08:46:59 PM »
Sit her down and do your very best to politely explain to her what you've noticed over the time she's been with him.  You'll need to be somewhat delicate, but if you care about her you should definitely do it.  In the end, you'll either set her straight or know that you tried.  If you don't make a big deal out of it and nothing changes on your friend's end, then hopefully the two of you can remain friends.

Exflyboy

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Re: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2014, 11:45:24 PM »
Absolutely you should talk to her. Tell her that you know this conversation has a huge risk in that you may not be friends anymore... But you love her enough that you are prepared to take that risk because her well-being is more important than any of that.

Wow that sounded good even to me...:)

Frank

plantingourpennies

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Re: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2014, 07:05:23 AM »
Mrs PoP here...

Depending how long she's been with this guy (and how long it's been since you've met him and gotten to know him), there's a chance your window of opportunity to say it and maintain the friendship may have passed if she truly is happy (albeit not ambitious to the degree you'd like to see). 

I told my friend I was unimpressed with her guy's ability to make a first (and second) impression, but she said she was happy (and that other people had made the same comments about his inability to make a good first impression) and stayed with him and since  then I was in their wedding.  I think she knows I still don't think all that highly of him, but what I care about is her happiness and I support her 100%. 

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2014, 10:33:11 AM »
I like my dad's approach:  ask questions that will lead her to seriously think about the long-term.  Questions like:
"Where do you see your relationship with loserdude going?"
(if they're going long-term)
"Where are you going to live? Have you started looking for a place?  How much does it cost to live there?  Are you going to have kids?  Which one of you is going to work to support the family?"

The important point is to ask them in a manner that shows you are genuinely interested, not trying to be judgmental--you're seeking to get a better understanding of their plans.  The goal is to get *her* to ask *herself* those questions.  You're planting a seed.  It's like Inception!

Blackadder

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Re: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2014, 10:58:31 AM »
I like my dad's approach:  ask questions that will lead her to seriously think about the long-term.  Questions like:
"Where do you see your relationship with loserdude going?"
(if they're going long-term)
"Where are you going to live? Have you started looking for a place?  How much does it cost to live there?  Are you going to have kids?  Which one of you is going to work to support the family?"

The important point is to ask them in a manner that shows you are genuinely interested, not trying to be judgmental--you're seeking to get a better understanding of their plans.  The goal is to get *her* to ask *herself* those questions.  You're planting a seed.  It's like Inception!

Worth a try. To be honest, if you tried this approach with me I would get the impression that you were trying to set up a trap. I like frankh's approach best.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2014, 11:37:43 AM »
Worth a try. To be honest, if you tried this approach with me I would get the impression that you were trying to set up a trap. I like frankh's approach best.
Yeah, it's hard to effectively describe the technique using words on a screen, but if done in a manner of "hey, as your friend, I'm genuinely interested in your plans for the future" tone, it comes off without the judgemental overtones.

Fuzz

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Re: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2014, 12:09:15 PM »
This one is a pickle. I bet your friend already knows that you don't like her fiancee. And now that they're officially engaged, her identity is tied up in his in a way that you're going to threaten if you criticize him. I think the other posters make good suggestions, but I also think that you're right to expect a negative reaction no matter you delicately you put it.

People grow and change and it sounds like you've grown and changed in ways that pull you apart. That's OK. It doesn't mean your friendship wasn't right.

If you can bring up your concerns from a deeply compassionate place, I think you should. Sorry I can't be more specific.

frugally

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Re: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2014, 02:37:14 PM »
What kind of relationship do you have with her - you say best friend, but what does that really mean?  To me, that would dictate whether it's appropriate.  It's definitely something I would talk about with my best friend, but everyone has different friendship responsibilities.

Annamal

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Re: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2014, 03:00:11 PM »
Your best bet might be trying to bolster your friend's self esteem (and the sense that she has control over her own life)  without talking about the guy in question at all.

Things like asking her about her plans, talking about the traits you admire in her and choosing inexpensive and fun activities to do with her.

If she's worn down and got low self esteem then face-punching is the last thing she needs.


stasher123

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Re: Can't tell best friend she's with a loser
« Reply #10 on: February 23, 2014, 03:14:14 PM »
Hello and thank you all,

Yes, I believe all of you are right that I just need to talk to her. There doesn't seem to be any way around it since I really want to stay friends with her. I think I will casually mention her plans and not directly mention her fiance.