Can't make heads or tails of major life decision

[fuzzy math]

I'm struggling to assemble many nebulous pieces of life goals, as well as toss those that don't fit with reality.

Background: My family moved from the Pacific northwest to the midwest 5 years ago after a traumatic job loss left us searching for work. As it does normally happen to me / to my field, that upheaval is almost certainly going to play out again in the next few months.

We visited Western WA this summer (as we always do) and came back saying "we should live there" (as we always do). In the past I made us stay here because stability and security were my biggest priorities, a direct result of the previous job loss. My job is no longer secure, I will have about a 75% chance of being hired on with a new employer doing my same old job in the same location. I hate this job. A different employer won't really change much of the day to day issues with the job, but I will have a worse paycheck and way fewer benefits.

I joined the 2023 FIRE cohort thinking I could leave full time employment and have DH be the primary earner. This assumption happened before the current bear market, before DH lost his job due to some interpersonal issues and before my current job instability wrecked my contentment with our midwest location. DH has recently started a new local job that's remote and things seem to be going well.

I no longer want to live here. My employer is the major employer in this area and everything revolves around them. Staying here means being reminded about them daily forever.
 
Our life goal has always been to retire to a really rural island in WA where my FIL has a vacation house. I have the opportunity to interview for a job in a city about 2 hours away from this location, where FIL lives during the week. That's about the best we can do during our working years because earning lots of money in my current career will not be geographically possible on the island. My job is so specific, not remote possible and my skills absolutely do not translate to anything else.

Complicating things we have 3 kids who have moved 7 times in their lives. The oldest will be a junior in high school, the middle is in middle school and the youngest is finishing elementary school. The high schooler resents having moved so many times but would love to return to WA if they could muster the energy to go to a new high school again. The middle schooler has had some very serious mental health issues that have required us to be off work at times and have someone available for safety. Uprooting this kiddo is a potential land mine. At the same time, I'm not really thrilled with their peer group and it could be a chance to reset. DH convinced my MIL to move here to the midwest, which is another story in and of itself. MIL helps with pickups and keeping the kids busy at times. Its not really a great relationship for any of us. The kids don't really enjoy it, I don't enjoy it and DH is trying to make the best of it.

The potential WA job is near the rest of my in laws and there would be lots more substitute people to help out. It would require abandoning MIL though and all the wrath I'd receive for the rest of my life. My family is within a half a day's drive from this location too.

The increased cost of living would kill my FIRE date and probably push me out working another 5 years beyond next year's goal. If we were to stay here, I could potentially not work at all and coast FIRE while DH works. I'm fairly risk adverse though and leaving my profession means giving up my certification within a year, which cannot be regained realistically.

My options as I see them:

1) When my current employer ends my job I just don't work. This would be great for me mentally to take a break (burnout is bad) and be present for my kiddo's last years at home. This will push out the family goals of ever being able to buy property on the WA island as we could likely not save as fast on one income as real estate can appreciate. Also this would mean that my kids will graduate from school in the midwest and likely go to college in the midwest. It seems selfish to raise them here then us parents split to the northwest the second they're out of the house. Likely we'd have to stay here longer to make sure they're fully launched and I would still struggle to move if any of them wanted to stay here.

2) Suck it up, take the crappier new job here and learn to make lemonade out of dog shit. I am honestly not even sure if I can muster the energy for this. I'm kind of afraid that I'll carry such resentment over the current job being taken from me that I'll eventually jeopardize the new job. This would push us towards or past FIRE and increase our ability to get WA real estate in 10 years or so. I would still encounter the same "where is home for my kids?" scenario as in point 1.

3) Blow up everyone's lives, abandon MIL and try to get the job in the WA city. Both DH and I would need to work full time for a few years longer to make this happen. I'm hoping I could muster the energy to do so.  It would give my kids somewhere to be from and they're very familiar with the island we want to retire to. It wouldn't be hard for them to either come home to the city that we'd be raising them in (extended family) or to visit us on the island. I would feel way less like I was abandoning them if we were in the same general area. Its hard to envision uprooting them again.

4) Move to the WA island and take a low paying job. There would not be family on the island other than some weekends, and we would miss out on having help with both parents working. Medical resources for the kids would be scarce without a longer drive. Financially this doesn't seem very wise due to cost of living while having kids at home.

Responsible me has always sucked it up and done option 2 when confronted with hardship in our lives. I don't think I've ever been able to make a decision about what I wanted for myself, I was the solo earner for many years and I sacrificed for the sake of my family. It feels like now is the time with the push from my job and my kid's ages. I either decide to stay or go and live with the results of those decisions.

Please help me see past the obvious blind spots. No option feels good.

[okits]

Please help me see past the obvious blind spots. No option feels good.

Wow, yeah, this is a complex situation.  A few things I wonder, reading about it:

Do you know what each of your kids would choose, if they were the ones making the decision, and why they would choose that?  Knowing their priorities and feelings might help sway you one way or another.

DH convinced my MIL to move here to the midwest, which is another story in and of itself. MIL helps with pickups and keeping the kids busy at times. Its not really a great relationship for any of us. The kids don't really enjoy it, I don't enjoy it and DH is trying to make the best of it.

I see that your MIL situation probably has a lot of backstory and baggage involved, but do you know how she likes the current situation (if it's not really a great relationship for any of you)?  Would she rather a different configuration or to be somewhere else?  Maybe a big upcoming change means also helping her make a big change, which is more effort (and possibly cost) for you but it seems you feel a responsibility toward her.  If she's going to be unhappy and unreasonably blame you forever no matter what, multiply your family's feelings of responsibility toward her by a discount factor of 0.75 (only half kidding about that).

Finally, what does your DH lean towards doing with this decision?

[herbgeek]

I can understand your angst.  All of the options you've listed are so overloaded with emotional terms like: abandon, blow up people's lives, suck it up, rest of my life....I would feel bad with this framing too.  You are also borrowing trouble from the future, knowing that you will hate this new job before you've even interviewed for it, calling it "crappy" and assuming you'll never be able to afford real estate unless you do this immediately.  You sound deeply unhappy and perhaps a first step might be to talk with a counselor to get some clarity.  This level of unhappiness is beyond an internet's stranger to fix. Perhaps this is part of your health care benefits?  Is it possible to take a leave of absence or negotiate a severance package should your employment be terminated? 

That said, I think the way you have framed your options are very black/white as well as emotionally fraught.  All of your options as listed have catastrophic consequences.  Is there a way you can think more incrementally?  Is there a way you can make a decision for <right now> that may not be permanent? Can you retrain? What is your spouses potential?   What do your kids think? Is there a small step that can start you on the path to where you want to be, rather than demanding the whole future in one bucket?

[Cranky]

What would it take to make you happy where you are rather than on a remote island? That seems like the crux of the problem - you don’t like where you are and are pinning all your hopes on an eventual move when Everything Will Be Better.

[Metalcat]

I would take a break from work and get some therapy to resolve the intense reaction you have towards your employer and to get to a better mental place to approach major life decisions.

You have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking going on, which is making this decision feel a lot more consuming than it needs to be.

Slow down and ask yourself: "what would improve my mental health over the next year?" And then do that.

Leave the major, life altering decisions for a more healthy, calmer, more resilient future version of yourself to handle.

[fuzzy math]

Do you know what each of your kids would choose, if they were the ones making the decision, and why they would choose that?  Knowing their priorities and feelings might help sway you one way or another.

I've asked the oldest and their preference is to finish school here. I can't ask the other 2 due to the mental health issues of the middle kid.

I see that your MIL situation probably has a lot of backstory and baggage involved, but do you know how she likes the current situation (if it's not really a great relationship for any of you)?  Would she rather a different configuration or to be somewhere else?  Maybe a big upcoming change means also helping her make a big change, which is more effort (and possibly cost) for you but it seems you feel a responsibility toward her.  If she's going to be unhappy and unreasonably blame you forever no matter what, multiply your family's feelings of responsibility toward her by a discount factor of 0.75 (only half kidding about that).

Finally, what does your DH lean towards doing with this decision?

Its DH's job to evaluate her wishes. He's not a great talker though. She would not move with us for sure. She would never live in the same area as her ex. I think DH feels obligated to be here while she is here. FIL cheated on her, has a new family etc and she still cries about it 20 years later. Its not something she is capable of getting over.

[fuzzy math]

I can understand your angst.  All of the options you've listed are so overloaded with emotional terms like: abandon, blow up people's lives, suck it up, rest of my life....I would feel bad with this framing too.  You are also borrowing trouble from the future, knowing that you will hate this new job before you've even interviewed for it, calling it "crappy" and assuming you'll never be able to afford real estate unless you do this immediately.  You sound deeply unhappy and perhaps a first step might be to talk with a counselor to get some clarity.  This level of unhappiness is beyond an internet's stranger to fix. Perhaps this is part of your health care benefits?  Is it possible to take a leave of absence or negotiate a severance package should your employment be terminated? 

I will lose my health insurance in 8 weeks and the new employer does not offer it. I'm aware that I likely have PTSD and disordered thinking from it, the goal was always to get to FIRE and then work on myself. I've actually done a fair amount of work already. The all or nones here largely come my anger that a bad job is being turned into a worse job and attempts to describe the situation and from trying to explain certain pitfalls that complicate the situation.

The job is certainly crappy. Without getting into too much detail, I work in healthcare at a low functioning place and frequently have been witness to situations where people who shouldn't practice medicine have killed multiple people. I then get to sit in meetings with risk management and only talk about "process" that led to this or that patient's death, while administration blindly blinks about the real issues. Now I will get to do the same thing for less money, with my benefits gone and for some random contractor. I get that you want me to reframe this and see the positives, but there really is no positive here.

the "rest of my life" comment was in relation to my MIL who: believes in aliens Q anon etc, canceled on watching our kids 48 hours before we were supposed to go to Europe, picks on my 10 year old. She told my husband once I was a black shirt (evil) and he is a white shirt (good). She still cries over being cheated on 20 years after her divorce. She absolutely will not tolerate if we move to where FIL lives and she would refuse to visit us there. So I get that some of my language was flowery but in this situation its absolutely not. She would just go back to badmouthing me.

That said, I think the way you have framed your options are very black/white as well as emotionally fraught.  All of your options as listed have catastrophic consequences.  Is there a way you can think more incrementally?  Is there a way you can make a decision for <right now> that may not be permanent? Can you retrain? What is your spouses potential?   What do your kids think? Is there a small step that can start you on the path to where you want to be, rather than demanding the whole future in one bucket?

Spouse has a limited working history, is likely autistic and its probably not best to leave him as the sole earner. I cannot retrain into another related field. I could start over completely and find something but I have no idea what that is. Your thinking incrementally comment resonated with me and I will definitely think about what that might look like. The 2 paths I really want are 1) to not work at this job (which the job ending before we're financially ready does not feel like a blessing right now). and 2) to get to WA someday. It makes more sense to get there as part of something, but this something isn't coming together easily right now.

[fuzzy math]

What would it take to make you happy where you are rather than on a remote island? That seems like the crux of the problem - you don’t like where you are and are pinning all your hopes on an eventual move when Everything Will Be Better.

I don't know honestly. The plan was to work then quit then bask in the glory of having quit and do whatever I please day to day. This year has revealed that we don't feel financially ready for that to happen.

I don't need to move to the island to be happy. I just need to get out of here. I would absolutely be thrilled to be back in the WA city where the job option is - family is nearby, friends are nearby and I've worked with most of the immediate team there before in the past and its a great set up. It just doesn't feel like my DH or kids are capable of the move for various reasons.

[fuzzy math]

I would take a break from work and get some therapy to resolve the intense reaction you have towards your employer and to get to a better mental place to approach major life decisions.

You have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking going on, which is making this decision feel a lot more consuming than it needs to be.

Slow down and ask yourself: "what would improve my mental health over the next year?" And then do that.

Leave the major, life altering decisions for a more healthy, calmer, more resilient future version of yourself to handle.

I get what you're saying. It sounds simple when you say it. Not working at my current place would absolutely improve my mental health. Staying here though and not working is probably not going to be positive. I know myself well enough to know that I'll probably feel compelled to take the new job if we stay here. I don't want that. DH and my family think I should just work at the new job, because they all worry about me losing the option and needing it later. The message I receive from people is just to stick it out longer and I really don't want to.

Taking the job in WA gives a reason to get away from the bad situation with my MIL. It gets us near where we want to be. The job itself is a great set up and would give me tons of free time. It solves most of the issues I want to rid myself of. I just don't have buy in from people really and that's the hard part.

[sonofsven]

Option 1 seems the most practical. I wouldn't worry about moving after the kids leave the nest; you have enough worries for now, so deal with that in the future.

[former player]

What you haven't done is to give us any figures on your income and expenditures, and its all a bit handwavy about 1) what you and DH each currently earn, 2) what new crappy job would pay and how you would get health insurance 3) what WA city job would pay 4) what WA island job would pay 5) how much you have saved for a house on WA island and how much a house on WA island would cost 6) what your current expenses are 7) what your expenses would be if you stopped working and went full Mr Money Mustache on them/moved to WA city/moved to WA island.

You don't need to tell us any of those figures but you need to have them clear in your own mind.

Whatever you decide, getting some help with feeling trapped and unhappy should be a priority, because those are the kind of feelings that don't go away just by "doing a geographical".

[SunnyDays]

My choice, in your position, would be option 3.

You are the one holding this family together, from the sounds of it.  You can’t afford, either financially or emotionally, to keep doing what you’re doing, because you’re not going to last.  You already sound beyond burned out.  It’s not selfish to put your needs first here, because you need to be in the best shape you can be in order to shoulder the weight of your responsibilities.

Let’s just take MIL out of the equation.  She is a grown adult who can look after herself and make her own decisions.  She’s not really contributing much to your lives beyond some child care, which can be readily replaced in WA.  She is already badmouthing you, and if she continues to do it from a distance, it will be much easier to ignore.  She can visit if she wants to see your family.  Or move anywhere else she pleases.

Your DH can work remotely, so no loss of income there.  As for abandoning his mother:  his wife and children are his priority, not her.

Your oldest will adjust.  Better to move schools now than in a year or two when you realize you just can’t do it anymore.  That might be a reality from what you’ve said about your job prospects.  The middle kid is more of a concern, but they will have needs for a long time to come, no?  If services are good in WA, then focusing on making that transition as smooth as possible should be the focus of your efforts.  The youngest will also adjust.

If the WA job is as relaxed as you make it out to be, then working another few years should not be that difficult.  FIREing just to be able to meet a goal you set when it no longer makes sense may not be reasonable.

If you don’t currently have buy in from the important players (DH and oldest kid), perhaps you need to have some serious discussions with them about your needs and the possible stakes if they aren’t met.

You’re in a tough position and it would be helpful to find an impartial 3rd party to give you some guidance.

Sometimes it really is just the situation that needs to change.  It CAN be that simple.

[shadowmoss]

Could you and some number between 0 and 2 children move to WA, leaving DH and #1 son in the current location  until he graduates high school?  They can then decide to join you, or son can go off to college in the current area while DH joins you?

[fuzzy math]

What you haven't done is to give us any figures on your income and expenditures, and its all a bit handwavy about 1) what you and DH each currently earn, 2) what new crappy job would pay and how you would get health insurance 3) what WA city job would pay 4) what WA island job would pay 5) how much you have saved for a house on WA island and how much a house on WA island would cost 6) what your current expenses are 7) what your expenses would be if you stopped working and went full Mr Money Mustache on them/moved to WA city/moved to WA island.

You don't need to tell us any of those figures but you need to have them clear in your own mind.

Whatever you decide, getting some help with feeling trapped and unhappy should be a priority, because those are the kind of feelings that don't go away just by "doing a geographical".

I was mainly looking for advice based on life circumstances, but I understand how for many the numbers are the crux of the issue.

My income $170k
DH income $105k
Total investment savings $860k (was up to $925k at the beginning of the year and thought we'd be crossing the $1MM mark by now)
Annual savings here with my current job is about $100-120k a year, almost all of which is tax deferred. That's why I have kept on going despite everything, the rate of acceleration has been so high I just put my head down and say I can quit when it gets too bad.


Home equity $100k - this would be rolled over into a new home (current home is $300-350k). We don't really have a lot of accessible spare cash (would have to drain HSA, Roth contributions, some ibonds etc)
WA city homes $550k   (possibly able to find one for under 500)
WA island homes $600k +  (although I did just find a manufactured home w a giant shop for $420k)

Current job going to contract $140k (estimate)
WA city job $175 - 195k (estimate)
WA island job I'd probably be lucky to pull in $40k working at a bank or something

Annual spend here has bloated up to about $72k with inflation
Annual spend in WA with increased housing would probably be nearer to $90k unless cheap housing was found

I'm too conservative to not work in WA - not comfortable with the idea of having a large mortgage payment ~$2500-3000 there when its $1400 (including taxes and insurance) here in the midwest. To be honest I'm uncomfortable with not working now because of the issues DH had at his old job and he's only been at the new job for a few weeks.

I understand that everyone's perception of me is that I'll still be a mess no matter what but I am pretty confident that absent this job my life would improve greatly. I'm a different person on vacation and I can feel the stress creeping back up when I return to work.

[lifeisshort123]

Reading your numbers I see the challenge with moving to WA. 

Maybe I missed it, but is there a way to split the difference? Wait until the oldest graduates from High School and then go?

Perhaps that would give you some time to reallocate some of your funds - or at least put new funds - into accounts that wouldn’t be so restrictive. I’m guessing a chunk of the tax deferral you are taking is in retirement and HSA, but maybe there is a way to cash in some of the rest of it?

If you find yourself needing to move - and think that either location in WA would solve that for you, is there a way you could somehow convert your accounts so you wouldn’t have to spend quite so much on housing? Is your Midwestern home viable as a rental property?

[former player]

Ok, so going on that info:

Option 1, staying where you are and not working.  The upsides are that you get the break you desperately need, you aren't disrupting your kid's lives again, your husband has to step up to the plate and work at keeping his current job, which pays enough to keep the family while letting the stash grow.  There is one downside, which is that you give up the dream of the WA island, for a considerable number of years at least and possibly forever at most.  But everything else looks pretty positive with this option.

Option 2 is staying where you are and taking the new job.  Just going by your posts on this thread this is possibly the worst option of the lot for you personally - and from your posts "you personally" needs to be a signicant part of your priorities at this particular moment.  The only way I think it might be viable for you to take the job is to do it very, very part time, which would be one or two days a week or the equivalent of that.  That would keep your hand in and your certificates current but give you the breathing space and time with your kids that you desperately need.  So out of these two options I like Option 1 for you, with the possible addition of exploring the idea of a very part-time job.

Option 3 is the rat-race option: high income, high expenditure, kids moved again.  From your posts I don't see this as being a healthy option for you or your family.

Option 4 is the drop-out option.  I don't see you buying on the island as things are but you might be able to swing it by renting.  It disrupts the kids again and makes you and your family highly dependent on a husband whose work history seems not entirely reliable.  Is all that worth it for the dream of living full time in a place you visit every year in any case?

[Morning Glory]

I like option 1. You can always revisit 2, 3, and 4 after you've had a break and/or if dh loses his job.

[Cranky]

You have a lot of money. Personally, I’d pick some other option altogether.

Find some other job that pays $50 k and coast along until high school kid finishes high school. It is a tough time to change schools.

If your dh loses his job, revisit these decisions. But currently you’re making yourself miserable for nothing because you’re rich.

[mistymoney]

is DHs job remote or not? Yours is not but wan't sure if he could keep that and move to WA.

Why is MIL picking on a 10 year? So disgusting! heinous.

I think you need to cut her way out of your lives, if not completely. Moving by FIL seems like it will do the trick.

Mental health of the kids should be he top priority.

[Metalcat]

I would take a break from work and get some therapy to resolve the intense reaction you have towards your employer and to get to a better mental place to approach major life decisions.

You have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking going on, which is making this decision feel a lot more consuming than it needs to be.

Slow down and ask yourself: "what would improve my mental health over the next year?" And then do that.

Leave the major, life altering decisions for a more healthy, calmer, more resilient future version of yourself to handle.

I get what you're saying. It sounds simple when you say it. Not working at my current place would absolutely improve my mental health. Staying here though and not working is probably not going to be positive. I know myself well enough to know that I'll probably feel compelled to take the new job if we stay here. I don't want that. DH and my family think I should just work at the new job, because they all worry about me losing the option and needing it later. The message I receive from people is just to stick it out longer and I really don't want to.

Taking the job in WA gives a reason to get away from the bad situation with my MIL. It gets us near where we want to be. The job itself is a great set up and would give me tons of free time. It solves most of the issues I want to rid myself of. I just don't have buy in from people really and that's the hard part.

To be fair, you also didn't give us important information to be able to give you decent advice.

My advice still stands though, just change the details. Find a way to get yourself into a better mental place and then tackle big decisions.

It sounds like you are in a terrible mental place.

[okits]

Could you and some number between 0 and 2 children move to WA, leaving DH and #1 son in the current location  until he graduates high school?  They can then decide to join you, or son can go off to college in the current area while DH joins you?

I'm curious about OP's thoughts regarding this option, too.  Son #1 graduates in two years so it's not a long-term arrangement of living apart.  He's old enough that perhaps he can be left alone for a week at a time so your DH can be with you for a visit.

[Radagast]

The options are strangely binary. Work in Midwest or quit job, live in Midwest or WA. Healthcare seems like a huge range of highly paid options should be available all around the country. Could you choose another job in your same town? It is Company or nothing? It seems like you should be able to find other well paying options. Even if you dropped to $100k income, it might be well worth it.

I would not let market fluctuations influence me in the slightest. If you didn't have enough before a market drop, you also didn't have enough after. If you had enough before, you had enough after.  They don't actually change your ability to be FI in any way except in your head.

[fuzzy math]

The options are strangely binary. Work in Midwest or quit job, live in Midwest or WA. Healthcare seems like a huge range of highly paid options should be available all around the country. Could you choose another job in your same town? It is Company or nothing? It seems like you should be able to find other well paying options. Even if you dropped to $100k income, it might be well worth it.

I would not let market fluctuations influence me in the slightest. If you didn't have enough before a market drop, you also didn't have enough after. If you had enough before, you had enough after.  They don't actually change your ability to be FI in any way except in your head.

I am in such a small sub specialty field that I can only work in a few cities to begin with in any state. There is no other employer in my town. In WA there are currently 4 jobs total in my field. Sure I could move to Florida or Nevada (if there were jobs) but the whole point is either to stay put and make do or move somewhere that makes sense.

I was hoping I was close to having enough, but suddenly my aspirational $50k spend became $70k

[fuzzy math]

Could you and some number between 0 and 2 children move to WA, leaving DH and #1 son in the current location  until he graduates high school?  They can then decide to join you, or son can go off to college in the current area while DH joins you?

I'm curious about OP's thoughts regarding this option, too.  Son #1 graduates in two years so it's not a long-term arrangement of living apart.  He's old enough that perhaps he can be left alone for a week at a time so your DH can be with you for a visit.

I've mentioned this option to DH. I have to wonder if going by myself (or with a kid or two in tow) would be enough of a catalyst with time to get everyone on board. It seems like a weird experiment that would all but guarantee I'd miss out on most of oldest kiddo's last couple years at home. He's 15 still, can't live on his own. He could always live with MIL haha.

[fuzzy math]

Ok, so going on that info:

Option 1, staying where you are and not working.  The upsides are that you get the break you desperately need, you aren't disrupting your kid's lives again, your husband has to step up to the plate and work at keeping his current job, which pays enough to keep the family while letting the stash grow.  There is one downside, which is that you give up the dream of the WA island, for a considerable number of years at least and possibly forever at most.  But everything else looks pretty positive with this option.

Option 2 is staying where you are and taking the new job.  Just going by your posts on this thread this is possibly the worst option of the lot for you personally - and from your posts "you personally" needs to be a signicant part of your priorities at this particular moment.  The only way I think it might be viable for you to take the job is to do it very, very part time, which would be one or two days a week or the equivalent of that.  That would keep your hand in and your certificates current but give you the breathing space and time with your kids that you desperately need.  So out of these two options I like Option 1 for you, with the possible addition of exploring the idea of a very part-time job.

Option 3 is the rat-race option: high income, high expenditure, kids moved again.  From your posts I don't see this as being a healthy option for you or your family.

Option 4 is the drop-out option.  I don't see you buying on the island as things are but you might be able to swing it by renting.  It disrupts the kids again and makes you and your family highly dependent on a husband whose work history seems not entirely reliable.  Is all that worth it for the dream of living full time in a place you visit every year in any case?

Thanks for your comments. The whole "re-entering the rat race at full speed" component is certainly unappealing. It would be hard to wind down our annual spend while living there.

[okits]

Could you and some number between 0 and 2 children move to WA, leaving DH and #1 son in the current location  until he graduates high school?  They can then decide to join you, or son can go off to college in the current area while DH joins you?

I'm curious about OP's thoughts regarding this option, too.  Son #1 graduates in two years so it's not a long-term arrangement of living apart.  He's old enough that perhaps he can be left alone for a week at a time so your DH can be with you for a visit.

I've mentioned this option to DH. I have to wonder if going by myself (or with a kid or two in tow) would be enough of a catalyst with time to get everyone on board. It seems like a weird experiment that would all but guarantee I'd miss out on most of oldest kiddo's last couple years at home. He's 15 still, can't live on his own. He could always live with MIL haha.

Yeah, that's a big price for you to pay, being away from your oldest kid.  It somewhat depends on how much time you spend together now and how autonomous he is already.  If he gets a lot of companionship and emotional support from you it would be harder to live apart than if he was already pretty psychologically and functionally independent from you.  He might decide to attend post secondary in WA and live with you then, so the living apart might be very temporary.

Obviously, running two households ups your family expenses a lot.  But a delay in your timeline to FIRE may be worth the improvement to your health and happiness right now.  You don't mention the option of re-training for a new line of work (that may pay less but you'll enjoy it more or detest it less than current job).  You sound like the current approach of head-down-do-a-job-you-hate-until-you-reach-the-FIRE-finish-line is really harming you, to the point it can't continue much longer.  The theoretical money from continuing on is illusory because you won't get it.  You'll leave or break down first.

It seems like moving half the family is kind of like testing the waters.  You could move back if it doesn't work.  But it might be a big improvement that persuades the rest of the family to join you, and you'll re-form the household in a happier situation than before.

It would be worth interviewing for the WA job.  You need an offer of employment for the move to even be a possibility, so see if you're able to secure that first.

[Fru-Gal]

You have a lot of money. Personally, I’d pick some other option altogether.

Find some other job that pays $50 k and coast along until high school kid finishes high school. It is a tough time to change schools.

If your dh loses his job, revisit these decisions. But currently you’re making yourself miserable for nothing because you’re rich.

This!

These are scary problems you are facing. I am so sorry you are going through it. But kids are only kids for a few years. You have a lot of money. Abandon FIRE for the moment. Focus 100% on kids. USE the money you have NOW to be happy by either paying for help or services, or increasing the budget for family/kid fun.

One comment of yours gave me pause, the peer group of the struggling kid. I would consider a move important if it got them away from a very bad peer situation. Hard to say how bad is bad, but that’s always something to watch as a parent.

[Radagast]

I am in such a small sub specialty field that I can only work in a few cities to begin with in any state. There is no other employer in my town. In WA there are currently 4 jobs total in my field. Sure I could move to Florida or Nevada (if there were jobs) but the whole point is either to stay put and make do or move somewhere that makes sense.

Can you move upstream to a specialty (no "sub") or even generality, if it improves happiness? It might be better to be making $100k and not have job induced unhappiness. Perhaps you could go to a hybrid situation where you move to a parallel or upstream field in the same town at a different employer, and still have household income of $200k+, and your goal takes 5 years instead of 3, with a better life in the interim?

[fuzzy math]

Can you move upstream to a specialty (no "sub") or even generality, if it improves happiness? It might be better to be making $100k and not have job induced unhappiness. Perhaps you could go to a hybrid situation where you move to a parallel or upstream field in the same town at a different employer, and still have household income of $200k+, and your goal takes 5 years instead of 3, with a better life in the interim?

No I cant. I'm not a nurse or a doctor. I'm a very specific medical technician whose skills can only be used in one setting and I have to demonstrate enough clinical activity every year to remain certified. I can't move into management because I can't manage nurses (due to not being an RN) and I don't have an MBA /MHA.

[Fru-Gal]

Would you like to be an RN? What is your dream career? Can you design it in your mind?

[tardis]

I am going to echo a few others and say look at some in-between steps around some of these options.  Kid 1 wants to stay, so let's assume you have 2 years to figure out a longer term big moves plan.  What can you do between now and then to set yourself up for success and take some load off and give yourself an exit path to hold onto?  I say this as someone whose job fairly recently made my mental health bad enough it was causing health problems and was also stuck in a few ways with limited job options.

My suggestions: 

MIL sounds like a bonus bad time.  Can you go low or no contact now?  She may be pissed but you can see her as little as possible and while making good money arrange other childcare.  When you move then the 'loss' or MIL won't be big or new.

Do you actually enjoy your work separate from job politics?  If yes, ok, keep on with looking for a similar job elsewhere.  It pays well.  If not, what do you WANT to be doing?  Ignore role titles, but actual day to day parts of working you like.  Interacting with clients?  Suppliers? Researching? Forget money.  You guys are in a good spot financially, obviously have good savings skills.  Avoiding a mental health breakdown that keeps you from working altogether is #1.  You have healthcare experience, project evaluation experience, even if it isn't RN/typically transferrable, and that is going to be in demand.  You would be amazed what a good resume writer could squeeze out.  Maybe not to the tune of 120k+, but definitely more than 40k at a bank.

It sounds like the new phase of your job involves going contract?  Can you take the change as an opportunity to adjust to less than FT hours?  Use that extra time for getting some mental health time and/or pick up some training.  If it's that rare of a role, then staffing must also be rare which puts you in a good negotiaton spot.  Alternatively, can you negotiate a vacation between roles?

Lastly, it's only do helpful to look so far ahead.  Stuff changes all the time.  Sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better.  No one could predict the pandemic or war in Ukraine, or so many major events lately.  We have no idea what is coming, but that can be both good and bad.  From the pandemic your husband was able to get remote work as much as I imagine it exacerbated your problems at work.  Try to put more focus on stuff that will help you now vs. delayed gratification.

ETA:  Look into Coast FIRE or barista FIRE.  It's not an all or nothing situation for work.

[Trudie]

I echo much of what @tardis said.

Are there other smaller cities in Western or Central Washington that have a more reasonable COL but still offer many of the benefits you find appealing? I understand the appeal of the area you describe as well as the differences between the different regions of the state, but is this an option?

Re. health insurance - I’m not sure of the latest developments, but Washington State was actually doing something to ensure access to affordable, universal health care for all its residents.

Re. real estate - I do think a bubble is about to burst. Particularly in HCOL areas.

I FIREd four years ago, and wasn’t in a good place mentally when I left. I do think work-related PTSD is real, and I benefited from counseling. It was somewhat as you described — I didn’t want to go near the place, talk about it, or spend time with former co-workers. It was a good decision for me. Some environments are toxic, like abusive personal relationships. A complete break was good for me. I took a “fun” job for awhile, my husband retired 15 months later, we downsized and moved, and we’re living our dream. It was a process, not all parts were easy, but now three years out from a major re-set I am so content and the quality of our lives has improved immeasurably.

[jrhampt]

First, I will say that a friend of mine made a drastic move in large part to get away from her MIL and she says it was totally worth it for that alone.  So I would lean towards moving if you can manage to get your spouse on board - I wouldn't feel any guilt about doing that whatsoever based on what you've described.  It doesn't sound like taking the new job where you are is a good option, and continuity in your field is important, so I would try to get an offer in Washington and then move.  You are the primary breadwinner so you have to do what is best for you and the kids will adjust, forget about the MIL.

[Samuel]

You have a lot of money. Personally, I’d pick some other option altogether.

Find some other job that pays $50 k and coast along until high school kid finishes high school. It is a tough time to change schools.

If your dh loses his job, revisit these decisions. But currently you’re making yourself miserable for nothing because you’re rich.

This!

These are scary problems you are facing. I am so sorry you are going through it. But kids are only kids for a few years. You have a lot of money. Abandon FIRE for the moment. Focus 100% on kids. USE the money you have NOW to be happy by either paying for help or services, or increasing the budget for family/kid fun.

One comment of yours gave me pause, the peer group of the struggling kid. I would consider a move important if it got them away from a very bad peer situation. Hard to say how bad is bad, but that’s always something to watch as a parent.

I also think you should strongly consider pausing the FIRE pursuit for now. Your plan has been to desperately race to the finish line and hope you don't collapse before getting there but the odds of that working out are not looking good. Removing that constraint for now gives you a lot more flexibility in how you approach this current collection of challenges.

[StarBright]

I don't have a ton to offer, but do want to say I sort of understand how you feel and offer you all the empathy and internet hugs and support you need.

My situation isn't identical, but does have a lot of similarities (including being the higher wage earner, feeling stuck in my stressful job due to life circumstances, having a Q-loving MIL who hates me, and having a young child with mental health issues).

I 100% understand why you have listed the options as you've listed them and I would lean towards 1 or 2.

I am currently angling towards something like #1 myself, and we are waiting on my husband's income to be enough to cover our expenses so I can step back.

I don't think I've seen this in the thread- do you love your specialty area? or is it a means to an end (the permanent house on the vacation island)?

If your job is just for money and not a passion and your husband can support your family I would really lean towards #1. Get the balance and rest you need, you will be able to be there for your kids, and you are a highly paid professional so you can likely pivot to a new profession down the road. Or after you feel better you can coast FI while your money grows.