Bridal Party! 🤑

[baconschteam]

Hi! My wife’s friend is getting married and asked her to be a part of the bridal party, and she happily accepted. What she didn’t realize is that this would mean spending possibly more than $1000 on the bridal shower, bachelorette, etc. She wants to help out, she’s very good at planning and organizing, but she won’t even be in the country for the bridal shower, for which the girls are planning on throwing in close to $400 each. It seems like she’s expected to put the money in the pot anyway. Any advice on her reining things in a little without being a stick in the mud? Or is this just a live and learn experience, don’t agree to be a part of a bridal party if we have a tight, fixed budget? We’ve had no experience with this before.

[Sibley]

Perfectly allowable to say, oh, hey, can't afford that, but can help with planning/organizing/etc. However, be prepared for it to blow up in some way. Depending on personalities involved, this sort of thing has a capability of ending friendships.

[Freedomin5]

Yeah, I never really understood the phenomenon. I second Sibley’s recommendation of telling the bride that you simply can’t afford it. Maybe tell the friend what you can actually afford/are willing to contribute. If her friend isn’t understanding and turns into a bridezilla about it, then I question how good of a friend she actually is to care more about money and the party than about your wife participating in her special day.

[Sibley]

The fun (/s) thing about weddings is that under current circumstances, they are extremely good at bringing out who people really are. Or at least, bringing out the worst in people. So, if things do blow up and end friendships sometimes it's a "you showed me who you really are and it isn't pretty" thing.

[maisymouser]

Yup, what everyone has said so far. I do understand that navigating this is easier said than done.  I'm assuming that OP's wife did not have a similar request for said friend during their wedding, which would probably change my opinion. But at the end of the day, a good bride and a good friend will understand where she is coming from.

It may help to offer alternative support or a time to connect if your wife is out of the country. Maybe, something along the lines of, hey, I would like to be there for you and celebrate, but maybe we can go out for a nice dinner instead? Reaffirming the desire to stay connected and provide support might soften the blow for the bride, if it comes as a blow to them.

[lucenzo11]

It's a tough conversation to have, but the first item that needs to be discussed among the bridal party is budget. It's not fair to any individual to commit to something without knowing what that's going to entail. If things get too far, then it's way too easy for others to start applying guilt for backing out of time or financial commitments. So start the conversation now and I bet you'll find that there are others in the group that have similar concerns but also did not want to speak up. Sometimes it's even the maid of honor that is setting all the super expensive plans and the bride doesn't even know and would feel bad all her friends are paying for these events. Come to an agreement on budget and if you can't, then politely ask to not be a part of those events.

You could also offer to trade your time in exchange for less financial commitment like offering to pick something up or help setup decorations. You can also offer up more frugal alternatives like helping to find a more cost effective AirBnb or offering to cook breakfast one morning and making your own mimosas instead of going out for an overpriced brunch.

If it's past the point of budgeting and things are already being booked, the you need to either pay up or politely decline to participate. I've found that if you try to say you aren't paying for something but still participating then it just creates conflict. Also, in my opinion, if you aren't going to the event then you don't have to pay because if you do then you are just subsidizing everyone. I get that typically the bridal party pays the brides portion so maybe you pay just the portion of that, but you shouldn't be paying for the other bridesmaids.

[zygote]

It's definitely not a given that being in a bridal party will cost this much. But expectations can range widely, and they aren't always communicated well up front.

I've been in two bridal parties, and my only extra cost was the dress. The first bride wanted us to wear a little black dress, and I found one at TJ Maxx for under $50 that I really liked and have re-worn it often since. The second bride just wanted us to wear any blue dress, and that one I got at goodwill for $6 and have also re-worn frequently.

Then again, I've also paid a few hundred dollars to participate in bachelorette parties for friends who didn't have bridal parties. But since I wasn't an official bridesmaid, there wasn't pressure to go even if I couldn't afford it. And the party planning was collaborative with a budget in mind.

Now all my local friends are married, so any wedding I attend even as a regular guest can get pretty expensive with the flight + hotel. At a certain point there's no avoiding that if you want to attend at all, let alone be in the wedding party.

I agree with lucenzo11 on how to handle these conversations about the pre-wedding events. Hopefully in the end your friend group respects your budget and makes it work for you to contribute in other ways, or at the very least does not expect you to pay for events you aren't attending (other than perhaps a small portion to go towards the bride's cost).

[baconschteam]

Thanks a lot for all of the replies! One point of clarification is that the bride is not involved in any of this planning for pre wedding events, it’s the bridesmaids and maid of honor (the brides sister). I think what you’re all saying is spot on, that being upfront about budget will prevent awkwardness down the line.

[newco]

the bride is not involved in any of this planning for pre wedding events, it’s the bridesmaids and maid of honor (the brides sister)

This is pretty typical, when the bridal party foots the bill for a lot of dumb shit.   This is a situation in which your wife needs to weigh the friendship and be able to live with a possible loss of a friend depending on how the bride/bridemaids take it.   If your wife looks and cherishes their friendship, I would say bite the bullet and agree to the cost.  If not, tell the bride you can't swing it due to cost, they will (hopefully) understand. 

[midweststache]

the bride is not involved in any of this planning for pre wedding events, it’s the bridesmaids and maid of honor (the brides sister)

This is pretty typical, when the bridal party foots the bill for a lot of dumb shit.   This is a situation in which your wife needs to weigh the friendship and be able to live with a possible loss of a friend depending on how the bride/bridemaids take it.   If your wife looks and cherishes their friendship, I would say bite the bullet and agree to the cost.  If not, tell the bride you can't swing it due to cost, they will (hopefully) understand.

I also think it's likely that your wife is not alone in her concerns; groupthink is real and social media "tells" women that the expectation is bridal showers at fancy restaurants with super-fancy treats, bachelorette parties that are DAAAAAYS long in Nashville, all the event-specific swag like tshirts and to-go cups that are both expensive and wasteful... *sighs and slowly pushes soapbox about wedding industry being a scam back under the table*. But this is marketing that women are constantly bombarded with and others may be sucked in because it's the "expected thing".

So yes, your wife speaking up could cause a bit of conflict; it could also allow other women involved, including the organizer/maid of honor who just think "well, this is how it has to be to be part of this" to consider possible alternatives.

[Tasse]

the bride is not involved in any of this planning for pre wedding events, it’s the bridesmaids and maid of honor (the brides sister)

This is pretty typical, when the bridal party foots the bill for a lot of dumb shit.   This is a situation in which your wife needs to weigh the friendship and be able to live with a possible loss of a friend depending on how the bride/bridemaids take it.   If your wife looks and cherishes their friendship, I would say bite the bullet and agree to the cost.  If not, tell the bride you can't swing it due to cost, they will (hopefully) understand.

I'd bring it up to the MoH first, honestly--as long as she seems like a reasonable person, at least. She is the person planning things and setting the budget.

[index]

Is this a situation where you all don't actually have the money or it doesn't fit into your budget? If it is the latter, I'd suck it up and participate. $1k or even $5k, when you zoom out, is not going to be material to your future. Take it as a learning experience and know you are going to have many learning experiences over the years orders of magnitude greater than this one.

[maisymouser]

Is this a situation where you all don't actually have the money or it doesn't fit into your budget? If it is the latter, I'd suck it up and participate. $1k or even $5k, when you zoom out, is not going to be material to your future. Take it as a learning experience and know you are going to have many learning experiences over the years orders of magnitude greater than this one.

What is one exactly supposed to learn by ponying up thousand(s) of dollars here? To not let oneself participate in other people's important life events? That money doesn't matter and that expensive things that don't matter to OP should just be paid for? Isn't this opinion the opposite of the point of this forum? I have to seriously disagree here.

OP- what's the latest?

[index]

Is this a situation where you all don't actually have the money or it doesn't fit into your budget? If it is the latter, I'd suck it up and participate. $1k or even $5k, when you zoom out, is not going to be material to your future. Take it as a learning experience and know you are going to have many learning experiences over the years orders of magnitude greater than this one.

What is one exactly supposed to learn by ponying up thousand(s) of dollars here? To not let oneself participate in other people's important life events? That money doesn't matter and that expensive things that don't matter to OP should just be paid for? Isn't this opinion the opposite of the point of this forum? I have to seriously disagree here.

OP- what's the latest?

The lesson was in the OPs post:

Any advice on her reining things in a little without being a stick in the mud? Or is this just a live and learn experience, don’t agree to be a part of a bridal party if we have a tight, fixed budget? We’ve had no experience with this before.

You have to assume a wedding and being in a bridal party is going to cost you hundreds, even thousands, of dollars depending on your social circle. If your budget is so important to you that the potential of spending $1k is stressing you out, the lesson is to say no. Once you agree to be included, you give up your autonomy because the event isn't about you and no one else cares about your monetary goals. If money is truly an obstacle, then have that conversation with your friend. My advice is to have some perspective. $1k will be a rounding error on your stache by the time you are ready to FIRE.

[jrhampt]

Is this a situation where you all don't actually have the money or it doesn't fit into your budget? If it is the latter, I'd suck it up and participate. $1k or even $5k, when you zoom out, is not going to be material to your future. Take it as a learning experience and know you are going to have many learning experiences over the years orders of magnitude greater than this one.

What is one exactly supposed to learn by ponying up thousand(s) of dollars here? To not let oneself participate in other people's important life events? That money doesn't matter and that expensive things that don't matter to OP should just be paid for? Isn't this opinion the opposite of the point of this forum? I have to seriously disagree here.

OP- what's the latest?

The lesson was in the OPs post:

Any advice on her reining things in a little without being a stick in the mud? Or is this just a live and learn experience, don’t agree to be a part of a bridal party if we have a tight, fixed budget? We’ve had no experience with this before.

You have to assume a wedding and being in a bridal party is going to cost you hundreds, even thousands, of dollars depending on your social circle. If your budget is so important to you that the potential of spending $1k is stressing you out, the lesson is to say no. Once you agree to be included, you give up your autonomy because the event isn't about you and no one else cares about your monetary goals. If money is truly an obstacle, then have that conversation with your friend. My advice is to have some perspective. $1k will be a rounding error on your stache by the time you are ready to FIRE.

Wow.  Am I in the correct forum?  This is MMM, right?  This is the kind of logic that makes people unable to FIRE in the first place if applied repeatedly over time.

[index]

Wow.  Am I in the correct forum?  This is MMM, right?  This is the kind of logic that makes people unable to FIRE in the first place if applied repeatedly over time.

Being in a bridal party is expensive (and can be very expensive depending on your social circle)! When you agree to participate, you cannot expect the rest of the bridal party to make this a mustacian event. My advice is take it as a learning experience - you can suck it up and realize the financial impact of this sole event is not going to break your long term trajectory or walk to tight rope of trying to scale back your monetary commitment without upsetting anyone. 

[lucenzo11]

Wow.  Am I in the correct forum?  This is MMM, right?  This is the kind of logic that makes people unable to FIRE in the first place if applied repeatedly over time.

Being in a bridal party is expensive (and can be very expensive depending on your social circle)! When you agree to participate, you cannot expect the rest of the bridal party to make this a mustacian event. My advice is take it as a learning experience - you can suck it up and realize the financial impact of this sole event is not going to break your long term trajectory or walk to tight rope of trying to scale back your monetary commitment without upsetting anyone.

I understand your point, but this still is all based on the assumption that it does fit in your budget and you just would prefer not to spend the money. There are many bridesmaids that get trapped in this social situation when they don't really have the money and yet still spend it because of the social pressure. I agree that sometimes you can't sway the entire group, but I would still advocate for any bridesmaid to bring up budget early and try to establish consensus before all the planning and bookings are finalized. Often times there is someone else in the group in a similar situation but was too afraid to speak up. It can be beneficial to promote this discussion so that we don't all just keep going along with things to avoid awkward discussions. Also, when a bride asks her friends/family to be bridesmaids, the cost is almost never brought up (and isn't even established at that time, plus it's usually the maid of honor that plans the bachelorette party), so by your logic, agreeing to be a bridesmaid basically means signing a blank check.

Last point I'll make is that this is not usually a once in a life cost. I had a cousin who was a bridesmaid in 8 weddings in a single year. That's obviously probably very much above average and her other years had probably less weddings, but she's very social and has a lot of friends. This was almost certainly a big financial hit for her if she just went along with everything.

[GilesMM]

Being out of the country during the event is the perfect excuse. All she has to say is “OMG, I realized how unrealistic it is for me to participate given I will be away and busy preparing before I go. I  wish everyone the best and am just sick I can’t attend! Take lots of pics for me!”

[baconschteam]

Sorry all that I fell off the thread.

Here's what ended up happening:

The bridal party had several meetings about proposing options. After speaking with the bride, the maid of honor decided the best option would be to go to Joshua Tree. A place that is entirely across the country, not near an airport, in the desert, in the middle of summer, for a weekend. My wife politely (and honestly) stated that she already had plans that she couldn't change on the weekend that they chose, but also that she wouldn't want to do that anyway, for the above reasons (we've been to Joshua Tree and love it, but this plan just did not make sense). Only two girls said they could attend, and in the end my wife got a text from the bride saying that she was cancelling the bachelorette since nobody could make it.

It feels a little sad, but they could have easily decided to just change the plan to something more accessible like a drag brunch in NYC, or a weekend at the beach ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[AMandM]

I hope the bride was not too disappointed, and that there are no hard feelings, but to me it sounds like it would have been a very expensive and not very fun event anyway.

But I admit to being a curmudgeon on wedding hoo-hah. I had no bachelorette party, let alone a trip, and neither did my daughters when they got married.

[Sibley]

This is your wife's friend, yes? She can contact the bride, say sorry she couldn't make it, but she absolutely wants to take her out for a champagne brunch or whatever is appropriate given personalities and location. Get that scheduled and make it happen. Invite all the others, they attend or not as they can. At minimum, the bride has thing with 1 friend, and hopefully a few others attend.

When the bigger friend group fails spectacularly, the next best thing is for someone to step up and implement a plan that will succeed. This means the bride (if reasonable) feels loved and the friendship is strengthened. It also can have knock on effects, either positive or negative. Or both.

[Catbert]

Joshua Tree in the summer is insane!  I say that as someone who used to go to Palm Springs in July.  Palm Springs can be about bars, restaurants and dips in the pool while Joshua Tree is more nature which is hard at 110F.

[maisymouser]

When the bigger friend group fails spectacularly, the next best thing is for someone to step up and implement a plan that will succeed. This means the bride (if reasonable) feels loved and the friendship is strengthened. It also can have knock on effects, either positive or negative. Or both.

I love this idea. How sweet. :)