Breaking out of unhealthy routines?

[Cool Friend]

I've fallen into this habit I don't feel very good about.  I work 9-5 and get home from work around 6.  I put together dinner and eat, and then I usually crack open a beer, put on Netflix, and mess around on my phone while half-watching something.  These days I'm usually watching something I've already seen before, making this cycle extra pointless.

My rationalization for this until now has been: I have a high-pressure job and I "deserve" to totally check out when I get home from work.  But it doesn't make me feel very good about how I choose to spend my time, and I certainly don't wake up feeling rested, so the whole routine seems pointless.

My chief hobby is playing/recording music, but that's an activity that takes a surprising amount of energy and attention, and I find that at the end of the day, I don't have reserves of either of those things left.  Sometimes I manage to force myself to do it, but then it feels like another chore.

Have you ever fallen into a rut like this?  How did you break out of it?  Is there a way to "refresh" my brain and body after work so that I can spend my evenings doing something that feels valuable to me?

[Bracken_Joy]

I highly recommend Gretchen Rubin's book "better than before" about habits. Also, we have a guantlet called "design your life" going with tons of resources. https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/throw-down-the-gauntlet/design-your-life!/

As for when I've been in those ruts and what I've done: it's insane how effective a 20-45min walk is to renewing yourself.

[Metalcat]

Is your job perhaps using more bandwidth than you can afford?

[Laura33]

Take a walk.  Get a little nature -- even when nature sucks.  It's like an automatic reset, and getting your blood moving helps the energy level.  Or do yoga or meditate. 

I feel like you do a lot, btw, and I think some "just turn the damn brain off and flop" time is critical for me.  But you don't have to just flop every day to get that refresh.  Another way to turn the work-brain off is to turn another part of the brain on, through exercise, or meditation, or nature, or some contemplative hobby (putzing in the kitchen without a deadline does it for me), or whatever.  It doesn't have to be either physically or mentally exhausting either, just something completely different from the brain muscles you use during the day.

[Cool Friend]

Thank you, I will be poring over that thread!  I like going for walks, so I will definitely be doing that tonight between work and going home.  It's supposed to be snow, which I think will be pretty to walk through.

Is your job perhaps using more bandwidth than you can afford?

Most definitely, and I don't intend on staying for much longer for that reason.  But, I'm close to slaying my last remaining debt, so I want to stick it out this last year until I do.  And hopefully not degenerate into a couch potato in the process! 

[Metalcat]

Thank you, I will be poring over that thread!  I like going for walks, so I will definitely be doing that tonight between work and going home.  It's supposed to be snow, which I think will be pretty to walk through.

Is your job perhaps using more bandwidth than you can afford?

Most definitely, and I don't intend on staying for much longer for that reason.  But, I'm close to slaying my last remaining debt, so I want to stick it out this last year until I do.  And hopefully not degenerate into a couch potato in the process!

If you are truly beyond your bandwidth, that is far more of an emergency than debt is.

I used to think in terms of "once the debt is gone", but I've since come to believe that that is not a mentally healthy way to organize my life.

There's no rule that says that you need to be debt free before you can start building a better life.

Look at your life carefully and evaluate the trade offs that you are making and decide if they are worth it. Obviously something is off. I encourage you to seriously reexamine the presuppositions upon which you have made your calculations of what is worthwhile.

I used to think that what I needed was to push myself harder until I learned that I'm the kind of personality who will always push myself hard. This means that if I am failing to live the way I want to live, it's not a shortage of effort, it's a fundamental problem with how I allocate my resources.

You either trust yourself to put in the effort or you don't. If you do and you aren't getting what you want from life, then it's not a motivation problem, it's a resource problem.

Look at that carefully. Plan accordingly.

[Moonwaves]

One thing I've done recently came after one of those "oh, that is so obvious" moments last year, where my therapist pointed out that I had just described to her a very, very full week of various things happening and that it was not unreasonable of me to not have found time to hoover and clean my apartment on top of everything else. We also talked about how draining almost every on of those various things had been and she asked the deceptively simple question of what kind of things would give me energy rather than draining it. It's a work in progress but I now have at least two appointments per week in my diary for noodling* - what exactly that is is still a bit fluid but among other things it's ukulele classes or practice, reading (actually sitting down in an armchair to read a proper book as opposed to reading while eating or travelling), writing (just blog again for now but have plans for other stuff, too), actually colouring in some of that adult colouring book I bought a year ago, or putting some music on and just sitting and listening to it (as opposed to just having music as background noise).

A walk on the way home is a great idea, too. Do you have any time during the working day to recharge a bit, or do you work straight through? If you could incorporate a short walk during lunch, that can also be helpful.


* The term came from someone else mentioning it was nice to just have time to noodle around sometimes. :)

[Cool Friend]

Thank you, I will be poring over that thread!  I like going for walks, so I will definitely be doing that tonight between work and going home.  It's supposed to be snow, which I think will be pretty to walk through.

Is your job perhaps using more bandwidth than you can afford?

Most definitely, and I don't intend on staying for much longer for that reason.  But, I'm close to slaying my last remaining debt, so I want to stick it out this last year until I do.  And hopefully not degenerate into a couch potato in the process!

If you are truly beyond your bandwidth, that is far more of an emergency than debt is.

I used to think in terms of "once the debt is gone", but I've since come to believe that that is not a mentally healthy way to organize my life.

There's no rule that says that you need to be debt free before you can start building a better life.

Look at your life carefully and evaluate the trade offs that you are making and decide if they are worth it. Obviously something is off. I encourage you to seriously reexamine the presuppositions upon which you have made your calculations of what is worthwhile.

I used to think that what I needed was to push myself harder until I learned that I'm the kind of personality who will always push myself hard. This means that if I am failing to live the way I want to live, it's not a shortage of effort, it's a fundamental problem with how I allocate my resources.

You either trust yourself to put in the effort or you don't. If you do and you aren't getting what you want from life, then it's not a motivation problem, it's a resource problem.

Look at that carefully. Plan accordingly.

This might sound ridiculous, but I don't think I've ever thought of it that way before.  I was taught some pretty toxic attitudes growing up, and I'm slowly realizing that one of them is: "Leaving an obligation is an absolute last resort, no matter how bad that obligation is for you."  Which is clearly unhealthy.  This is kind of an "oh, that is so obvious" moment like Moonwaves is describing.

Your post has given me a lot to think about.  Thank you.