Author Topic: Blended Family Financial Obligations  (Read 11788 times)

Fuyu

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #100 on: March 09, 2019, 07:15:50 AM »
Err... Why isn't he calculating how much tax + penalties + interest he has to pay himself or hiring an accountant if he can't figure it out on his own? How did he pay his taxes before marrying you?

ToTheMoon

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #101 on: March 09, 2019, 07:35:22 AM »
Time for OH to pull money from his retirement accounts?

I think its time to actually TALK to her DH. 

OP, it has been more than two weeks since you started this thread. I think it is time to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband about all this - you have all the details you need.  More time and more silence is not going to fix this, but the stress of carrying all of this can not be healthy.

This is your gentle nudge to start this ball rolling, so that you can make plans for your future whether with him or without.  Either way, you can do this, and you will have all of us in your corner, cheering you along. 

anonperson

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #102 on: March 09, 2019, 07:54:35 AM »
@ Former player thatís an option on the table. I believe an ira withdrawal would be at our highest marginal rate plus 10% - that might still be less expensive than penalties and interest, and itíd help with my mental health. His ira is generously funded so itís not a crazy solution. I havenít really pushed for it yet because itís upsetting for him having already been through an expensive divorce but maybe I should.

@Fuyu he entered the marriage with about $75k owed from the previous year and it keeps growing. He has an accountant but the pattern the last 2 years has been to file an extension while we wait on K-1s, then taxes on October 15, at which point the penalties and interest are already very high.  This year I attempted to do them myself based on some assumptions from last year so I could understand how much this costs us per month. Weíll still use the accountant for the actual return and weíll still file late.

Yes weíre talking about this but itís not really getting resolved. The solution seems to be to wait a little longer for now. Iíll report back in the future, hopefully with good news. Thanks all.

Goldielocks

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #103 on: March 11, 2019, 01:47:18 AM »
Not paying taxes owing...not willing to discuss selling property to pay off debts, has debts and renovation costs that he won't disclose.Aversion to saving for future, prefers to cash flow future costs... Not reserving the money for govt taxes and paying in full every year..  I mean, can't you file on time and pay, and then amend it for less penalty? 

Anyhoo... This is quite foreign thinking to my MMM mindset.  I honestly don't know what to suggest,  only that the excessive spend on kids from first marriage (money pit) happens to a lot of great Dad's out there, he is not unusual in this commitment to his blindspot for them.

BigRed

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #104 on: March 11, 2019, 08:27:01 AM »
The #1 problem here is the taxes.  Those are your biggest expense, and it seems like your husband is avoiding it or pretending it's just like any other bill, which it is not.

The accountant should be advising you on how much to pay for estimated taxes.  Is that not happening?  If not, and you are, why is your husband not interested in this detail?

Last, your husband got upset (somewhat understandably) when you suggested filing separately because it would increase the total tax paid for the two of you unnecessarily.  Why is he ok with paying extra on interest and penalties because of his failure to pay his taxes on time?  That, too, is extra money paid for taxes that he is costing your family by not being on top of his responsibilities.  Perhaps this argument could help him see why your current tax approach is causing you massive stress.  Getting current on the taxes might close your budget, though it's hard to tell even with the new info.

You know all this, though, and have been through at least a round of conflict on the taxes and he was not receptive, which is why you moved on to the house in your head.  He seems to have a different view of personal finance, which may be related to the fact your family has significant illiquid wealth in the house, his business partnership, his retirement accounts, and (in is mind) in his future earnings.

couponvan

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #105 on: March 12, 2019, 11:47:48 AM »
When I see the %, I see 2019 and 2020 as potentially crappy years for you two, but THEN it looks to be amazing.  The $amounts are paying the piper for previous years' excess, which sucks in the short term.  If the 42% goes away by 2020, you'll have 42% to apply to DD's 529, correct?  Or is the tax liability always going to be 25%?

I too struggle with high dollar item choices of my DH, but in general, I reign him in on a day-to-day basis.  ;-)  The NEXT time you DH gets a bonus, apply 100% to the tax bill.  Or make an agreement that the next time he gets a bonus 100% will be applied to the tax bill, and not any rewards for all the kids.  Make him promise to tell his older kids that he didn't get any bonus this year (because really he didn't - he overspent his old ones) and you're going to have a reset year.  I have a feeling when bonus time comes around for your DH he has already spent it several times over in his mind.  Any bonus received at your income levels should be divided by 50%....since about 1/2 goes to takes anyway. A $250K bonus is only $125K to spend.  People so often forget this! I'm guessing your DH's bonus is at least enough to pay the tax bill, but that he doesn't want to use that money to do so.  The home equity - was it yours or his?  I certainly wouldn't want to put my equity into his tax bill when the house was in your name only.  It sounds like the expenses are commingled though.  In a divorce that would get really complicated. 

Muru

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #106 on: March 14, 2019, 08:03:37 AM »
Our ďincomeĒ is my income after withholdings for 2019 at our effective rate and 401k contribution up to employer match + his income before withholdings (we make quarterly estimated payments on his income).
His income: 75%
Her income: 25%

These numbers were so interesting that I re-organized those a bit and used 1000 instead of %.

His income: 75 000 gross
His taxes: 42 000
His income: 33 000 net (is this now correct assumption how taxes in your country work)

Her income: 25 000 net
Her rental property: unknown

Together expenses:
Mortgage: 12 000
Together renovation debt: unknown
Together groceries: 2 000
Together child care for baby: 6 000
Together entertainment: 5 000
Together 529 for baby: 2 000
Total expenses together: 27 000

His expenses:
His car: 1 000
His child support: 15 000
His shared child expense: 8 000
His tuition: 7 000
His travel and kids: 5 000
His support for parent: 2 000
Total his expenses: 38 000

Her expenses: 0 (as baby 529 marked as together)

Captain FIRE

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #107 on: March 14, 2019, 08:32:58 AM »
Put that way, your groceries seem really high in comparison to everything else!  And I'm guessing that you make more than 100k, so your groceries are likely even higher.  Does your entertainment include vacations?  If not and that's just netflix, shows and the like, that's really high too.

anonperson

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #108 on: March 15, 2019, 10:00:05 AM »
I redid our numbers based on our combined gross income not including income from my rental property (more on that below), and used actual averages rather than back of the envelop guesses. Based on our current rate of payment on the 2018 taxes, not including penalties and interest, we will have them paid off in October of 2019.  With penalties and interest I think we will have them paid off in November.  Then we'll have 11 months of taxes on his income to catch up on for 2019.  This is the pattern we've had since we got married, because he had a tax liability from the year prior to our marriage, plus he was not current on taxes for the first year of our marriage. 

If my husband withdrew 15% of his IRA, we could pay all of 2018 and get current on 2019, plus pay the penalties and interest on 2019.
If we sold our house, we could pay all of 2018 and get current on 2019, plus I estimate we'd have 20% to put down on an older and smaller, but adequate (for me) home in our community, or we could rent for a while.   

His Income         76%
Her Income         24%
His 2018 Taxes         32.50%
His 2019 Taxes         0
Her 2019 Taxes          8.10%
Mortgage & Heloc      11%
Groceries + Food      2.70%
House Related         2.10%
Nanny            5.40%
Baby 529 Plan         0.90%   
Gas                    0.03%
Dry Cleaning         0.03%
Entertainment         3.60%

His Expenses   
child support                 11% (going down soon)
Shared child expenses w/ ex   5.40%
Additional child expenses      4.50%
His kidsí tuition                 3.60% (going up soon)
His car                    1.60%
His parent                         2.20%
His capital calls                 4.50%
His discretionary spending           0.09%
His/their undisclosed debt           ?

Her expenses   
Her discretionary spending           0.09%
Her random car expense           0.03%
Her 401k                         1.80%
Total                            101.17%


Not included above are random things that can and do come up (and of course the undisclosed debt, payments vary).

Some of the low hanging fruit explained: groceries and food includes all food and takeout, diapers, house supplies, etc.  Given that we both work a minimum of 50 hours a week, and my husband probably works closer to 75 hours a week if you count his travel, and we have a young child at home, it is not conceivable for us to cut back on this, or on the cost of a nanny, without whom we could not do our jobs.  Same with "house related expenses" which include a biweekly cleaning and gardening.  Entertainment includes everything we spend as a family and as a couple on vacations, road trips, an occasional concert or sports event.  This is an area where we can and are cutting back, but we're already pretty careful.

My rental property nets $35,000 a year and it's not included because I bought it many years ago before we were married, and I account for it in a separate business checking account which also predates our marriage.  I'm currently allocating 100% of the net proceeds to "his 2018 taxes".  I don't think it's wise for me to sell this property to pay off the taxes because (1) after years of depreciation, the tax liability will be significant;  (2) I think I'd resent him a lot if I did it; (3) I think it'd enable the current situation that we have with overspending; and (4) it could take a long time to sell anyway.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 10:18:37 AM by anonperson »

couponvan

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #109 on: March 15, 2019, 10:09:52 AM »
What % would his "potential" not guaranteed 2019 bonus AFTER taxes be?  As a %.  When does this traditionally come?  I don't think you included that yet, and it has a true bearing in the overall situation.

If he doesn't spend that bonus, and applies it to the taxes, it might be all OK sooner than you think.  It doesn't seem like it now to you, but to him, it might not seem like a big deal if he plans to use the bonus for it.

cchrissyy

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #110 on: March 15, 2019, 10:18:29 AM »
October 2019 is very soon!   You should really remind yourself not to make long-term decisions to solve such a short-term problem.  Selling a house and buying another would take months too, and would add stress and complication to your lives during those months, and would adds its own transaction costs or taxes.

anonperson

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #111 on: March 15, 2019, 10:21:05 AM »
His bonus which would come in December could be anything from 0 (last year) to enough to payoff all our tax liability and undisclosed debt, so yes, this very well could be a situation where I need to just make peace with the tax debt and stop stressing. 

couponvan

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #112 on: March 15, 2019, 10:37:48 AM »
The 0% for 2019 tax has me a bit worried that you'll continue to be behind. Is he not paying estimated taxes at all?

The 0 bonus years hurt.  They do.  The odds of there being two 0 bonus years in a row are slim.  I can commiserate because my DH's bonus is between 85%-150% of his base salary.  We live off the base, and save off the bonus.  A $0 bonus year means a tight tight year.  We have a large emergency fund though.  In 10 years, your DH will be singing your praises.  My DH tells everyone he'd be driving a brand new Porsche, but living in it if it weren't for me. ;-)

9 months feels like a long time to wait, and I understand it's stressful.  Yes, your DH has made some very poor choices.  You have to decide if he's worth the long-term investment and commitment to helping him change past habits to more positive ones.  Digging out of debt isn't fun, but it does appear like he has the ability to service the tax debt in the future.  I'm also going to say he may have made an undisclosed (so you wouldn't get in trouble if it ever came to light) deal to NOT take a bonus last year.  There may have been more pressure from his ex to give it to her and their kids - even a potential court grab.  If child support ends at a certain point, he may be waiting to time his large payout until after his youngest is 18 and they can't drag him into court.  Honestly, I would think it was better to not know about it....These kind of situations are far more common than you would expect - and for the #'s you're talking about, I could see him doing it to protect your future family if he thinks he's paid her and them enough.

Selling the house in the next 9 months does not seem like a good idea to me - and full of additional stress. 

ysette9

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #113 on: March 15, 2019, 11:02:49 AM »
I think the most important part now is for the OP to really talk to her husband and reach a level of mutual understanding. Has that started yet? Without a clear goal and agreed-upon values all of this is just us spinning our wheels.

robartsd

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #114 on: March 15, 2019, 11:59:03 AM »
Mortgage & Heloc      11%
Groceries + Food      2.70%
House Related         2.10%
Nanny            5.40%
Entertainment         3.60%

His Expenses   
Additional child expenses      4.50%
His car                    1.60%
His capital calls                 4.50%
I think these are the areas where the two of you can look at making changes to reach a sustainable path towards a shared financial plan. The rest is either two small to matter or is simply not optional any longer. These categories represent about 1/3 of your total income. A visit with a financial planner and exploring how changes to these numbers affect your long term finances could help motivate him to make changes.

If my husband withdrew 15% of his IRA, we could pay all of 2018 and get current on 2019, plus pay the penalties and interest on 2019.
If we sold our house, we could pay all of 2018 and get current on 2019, plus I estimate we'd have 20% to put down on an older and smaller, but adequate (for me) home in our community, or we could rent for a while.   
I really think one of these two scenarios would be best - a financial planner could help evaluate the long term effect of using IRA to get current on taxes and compare that to downsizing the house.

K-ice

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #115 on: March 15, 2019, 01:05:38 PM »
I understand that you want to keep your rental property separate.

But since you are using all of the net proceeds towards DHís debt I think you should include it in your numbers.

That way he can see you much your income is subsidized his lifestyle. 
Considering he makes 3x more than you this is crazy.

I also agree with the poster that you should be accounting for 2019 taxes.
Even if the money isnít going to payments the debt is accumulating.

Otherwise, good work for taking a serious look at the numbers. It canít be easy.

frugaldrummer

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #116 on: March 16, 2019, 10:50:43 PM »
The money he spends on his kids is not the issue. You said in the original post that 55% of his take home income goes to them. If this is TRUE after tax income then I don't think 55% is too much to pay to put your three kids through college. If he was still married wouldn't 55% of his take home pay go to providing for his three kids?

The problem is that HE is a lousy financial manager.  He never downsized his lifestyle after divorce. He doesn't pay his estimated taxes.( I'm self-employed. I put away one third of my monthly income every month to pay my quarterly tax estimates. I never owe money to the IRS because I don't spend money I don't have.)

You should never have taken out that Heloc in only your name. Why can't he sell some of his "illiquid" assets to pay that off and pay his taxes? If he owns investment properties he needs to sell them to pay his debts. There must be some way to sell his assets.

Once his debts are paid you need to make sure that your household is living a lifestyle that is supported by your income plus 45% of his. And meanwhile you NEED life insurance on him, at least enough to pay off the taxes and the HELOC.


Omy

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #117 on: March 17, 2019, 12:59:08 AM »
He should cash out enough of his retirement savings to pay the back taxes and penalties - and cash out again in 2020 to pay the 2019 taxes and penalties. Even with the taxes and penalties you will probably come out ahead - and your stress level should be reduced. Hopefully, he will see the folly of this approach when he sees the hits to his retirement accounts, and this will motivate him to start making quarterly payments (and living within his means) to stay current. I can't imagine funding my retirement account before paying bills (including my taxes).

If this doesn't get addressed soon, it will continue to snowball. I had so much anxiety reading your posts - I would be "shaking in my boots" if I lived like this. My sister (primary breadwinner in her family) has lived the life of taking care of her husband's first family while trying to give their kids a good life. She's been miserable and financially burdened for years. And now they are going through an expensive, depleting divorce. This is your future if you don't work together to figure this out. You have my sympathy.

frugaldrummer

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #118 on: March 17, 2019, 09:23:12 AM »
And btw his will should give enough to you to pay the debts and pay for college for your daughter and raising her.
A cautionary tale - my aunt was widowed and remarried in midlife when both had kids grown and independent. They had a nice life together for 20+ years. When he died his estate went to his kids; she had to move out of the cozy little suburban home they had retired to and live her last year's in a trailer park.  I don't know whether he neglected to change his will, had a bad will, or if his sons convinced him to change it on his deathbed, but don't let this happen to you.

(Btw those "illiquid" assets, do you have proof of their existence?)

Seeing a financial advisor together will take the burden off of you to point these things out to him.


robartsd

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #119 on: March 18, 2019, 08:48:14 AM »
And btw his will should give enough to you to pay the debts and pay for college for your daughter and raising her.
A cautionary tale - my aunt was widowed and remarried in midlife when both had kids grown and independent. They had a nice life together for 20+ years. When he died his estate went to his kids; she had to move out of the cozy little suburban home they had retired to and live her last year's in a trailer park.  I don't know whether he neglected to change his will, had a bad will, or if his sons convinced him to change it on his deathbed, but don't let this happen to you.

(Btw those "illiquid" assets, do you have proof of their existence?)

Seeing a financial advisor together will take the burden off of you to point these things out to him.
Either his will or a life insurance policy with you/your daughter as beneficiary. Also be sure to get a life estate to his share of your primary residence so his heirs can't force a sale until you move out.

historienne

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #120 on: March 18, 2019, 01:39:17 PM »
The money he spends on his kids is not the issue. You said in the original post that 55% of his take home income goes to them. If this is TRUE after tax income then I don't think 55% is too much to pay to put your three kids through college. If he was still married wouldn't 55% of his take home pay go to providing for his three kids?

I get that OP and her spouse are high earners, so the math may be different, but yikes.  By your math, that's 55% for three of his four kids, which would mean 73% for all four kids.  Even if we attribute half of theoretical family spending on necessities (housing, food, clothing, healthcare, etc) to the kids (either direct payments or as part of child support), that's way, way too high.  That's 27% to pay for the other half of necessities, contribute to retirement savings, and for the adults to have any spending money.

Put differently, it means that, assuming ALL of the rest of the income goes to necessities, then 45% of the family income is going to non-necessary spending on the kids, while the adults get zero non-necessary spending, including retirement savings.

Even putting 55% towards all four kids combined would be a high number, in my opinion, particularly if it doesn't include expenses like daycare (I don't think of daycare as spending 'for my kids' so much as spending 'for my career,' but that's a separate issue).

As another data point, the calculation of expected family contributions for college maxes out at a 47% *marginal* rate (the effective rate would be lower, perhaps substantially so, depending on household size and income). 

In this situation, OP and her husband should absolutely be downsizing, and he should make all of his court-ordered child support payments.  But she is not being unreasonably to expect him to discuss ways to cut down other spending on his kids, because he simply cannot afford it.

For OP, I think one helpful basis for this conversation would be to run the numbers on how your finances would look if you did get divorced.  Assume that you'd split the custody of your shared child 50-50, and include state standard child support based on that time split.  Not because you should do that, but to put a number on how much you are subsidizing him each year. 

And to be clear, spouses subsidize each other all the time.  I paid off my husband's student loan debts for him after we got married, and have zero resentment about that!  But that's because we run our finances as a team, and make decisions together about what will provide the optimal outcome for our family.  Your husband wants to have it both ways.  He wants shared finances for the purposes of having you subsidize his lifestyle, but he doesn't want shared finances for the purpose of financial decision-making.  He can't reasonably have both of those things at once. 

K-ice

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #121 on: March 18, 2019, 04:30:46 PM »
Your husband wants to have it both ways.  He wants shared finances for the purposes of having you subsidize his lifestyle, but he doesn't want shared finances for the purpose of financial decision-making.  He can't reasonably have both of those things at once.

Well said!

formerlydivorcedmom

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #122 on: March 19, 2019, 11:56:39 AM »
I am remarried; I have 2 biokids and my H has 1.  My exhusband is remarried and has 3 stepkids, 2 of whom are in college.  We're dealing with a lot of combinations of parenting and stepparent influence.  It's HARD, but that doesn't mean it has to be impossible.


His Expenses   
child support                 11% (going down soon)
Shared child expenses w/ ex   5.40%
Additional child expenses      4.50%
His kidsí tuition                 3.60% (going up soon)

His financial obligations to his three oldest children are approximately 25% of your joint income, which makes it about 33% of his income.  This is a pretty reasonable figure.  In my state, a parent with 3 kids would pay 30% of their income in child support.  Your husband values paying for college for his kids, so he spends a little more than this.

The kids aren't the problem.  The ex-wife isn't the problem.  It's easy to focus on them when looking at the line items, but I would recommend that this spending related to them be completely off the table in discussions.   Your H and his ex have come to an agreement together on how their children will be raised.  While it would be ideal if he would discuss this with you and listen to your input, he has made promises that he's legally obligated to fulfill.   That agreement may not match your values, and there's no reason why you and your H have to spend at the same level on the child that you share.   Different families, different values.

I strongly encourage you to work through this stepparenting hurdle with your therapist.

I'll second the response to get a financial counselor and to try marriage counseling again, perhaps with a different therapist.  The focus needs to be one the future, not the past, and the therapist needs to be skilled enough to redirect both of you when he gets defensive and you get distraught.  Pretend the spending on the three oldest kids doesn't exist, and then sit down together to work out shared financial values and goals.  At this point, I'm not confident this is a conversation that the two of you should have without a trained professional, because you've had too many examples of the wrong way to do this.

If, after 6 months of joint counseling with a good therapist, the two of you can't agree on shared values, then you have a choice to make.  If your husband refuses to do any of the work or keep seeing the therapist (my ex stopped marriage counseling as soon as the therapist started trying to address areas he needed to change)...then you have a choice to make.  If your husband isn't willing to be totally transparent about the debt....you have a choice to make.

anonperson

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #123 on: March 19, 2019, 12:13:39 PM »
Thanks for all the great advice. 

Some posters have suggested that I need to think of us as one big family and more or less be okay with current spending on the older children (two of whom are adults).  That I should think of the big picture, and it's okay if I stop 401k contributions and saving for our daughter to go to college, and throw everything toward this debt while we keep up current spending on him and his older kids.   But as a second spouse, isn't it possible that he could die and leave me with a huge tax debt, but leave his entire estate to his three older children?  I get that I'd have an elective share, but it might not mean anything under our circumstances (his money was made before our marriage and now he's overspending both of our incomes).  If we get divorced, I am in a terrible position for the same reason.  I know we could talk about it and he can say he'd never do something like that, but the fact is that he can, and that puts me in a very vulnerable position.  I think the solution has to give me a way to continue to max out my 401k as I always have since I got my first job, plus save a reasonable amount for our mutual daughter's education, plus leave my rental property alone.   Am I wrong here? 

Cassie

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #124 on: March 19, 2019, 12:40:00 PM »
Yes I totally agree that you need to protect yourself and your child.  If he died you could end up in a horrible situation.  I would tell him to use his retirement money to pay the taxes and then to keep current.  I would put your money in retirement and college funds. He is jeopardizing your daughters future and yours at risk by indulging his adult childrenís every whim.

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #125 on: March 19, 2019, 12:42:07 PM »
Thanks for all the great advice. 

Some posters have suggested that I need to think of us as one big family and more or less be okay with current spending on the older children (two of whom are adults).  That I should think of the big picture, and it's okay if I stop 401k contributions and saving for our daughter to go to college, and throw everything toward this debt while we keep up current spending on him and his older kids.   But as a second spouse, isn't it possible that he could die and leave me with a huge tax debt, but leave his entire estate to his three older children?  I get that I'd have an elective share, but it might not mean anything under our circumstances (his money was made before our marriage and now he's overspending both of our incomes).  If we get divorced, I am in a terrible position for the same reason.  I know we could talk about it and he can say he'd never do something like that, but the fact is that he can, and that puts me in a very vulnerable position.  I think the solution has to give me a way to continue to max out my 401k as I always have since I got my first job, plus save a reasonable amount for our mutual daughter's education, plus leave my rental property alone.   Am I wrong here?

There is no HAS TO. There is only what the two of you agree to.

Here is the one thing I know: You cannot solve this problem yourself in your marriage. You and your husband solve it together, or you file for divorce and rebuild on your own.

Right now you are in option C: Complaining to internet strangers. And that's OK for now. I spent plenty of time doing that while my first marriage was in its death spiral. But eventually, you have to decide how long to wait for him to get his shit together.

(As someone in a stepfamily, I wouldn't focus on the spending on his older kids--I would focus on the budget as a whole. If there are not enough dollars for the current spending, let him see that. Nagging him to spend less on his kids is not a good look, even if maybe that's where it ultimately ends up. It has to be HIM seeing that that's what needs to happen. )

Normally, I don't believe in ultimatums, but I don't see any other choice here. He HAS to work with you on your joint finances and living within your joint means, or there is no "joint" anymore, and he can pay off his own goddamn tax bill and add a fourth round of child support.

Your husband wants to have it both ways.  He wants shared finances for the purposes of having you subsidize his lifestyle, but he doesn't want shared finances for the purpose of financial decision-making.  He can't reasonably have both of those things at once.

Well said!

+1 to this.

I get how hard this is. You want there to be another answer. I really, really hope that your husband comes to see the gravity of the situation and its deep unfairness to you.

Goldielocks

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #126 on: March 20, 2019, 04:29:40 PM »
The recommendation for him to pay off taxes for 2018/2019 with his retirement is a good one.   Yep, a bit of a penalty, but he can make it up with future bonuses.

I also like the idea of life insurance on him, until the large joint debts are paid off and a fund for your daughter started.

Question?  What is "His Capital Calls   4.5%"   This is the cost of your food and household (cleaner, gardener) combined.  It's huge.

danakado

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Re: Blended Family Financial Obligations
« Reply #127 on: March 21, 2019, 08:46:08 AM »
I've read this thread for a while and am struck by how similar it is to my situation.  My DH does not have children from a prior marriage but had huge unpaid taxes when we married (undisclosed), and overall really poor financial habits, as I see described by your DH.  We've been married 20 years now and I just want to share a few things from my experience.  I've tried many many many times to get on the same page financially with my DH.  When we first married I was responsible financially but not smart or frugal (i.e. I always paid my bills but spent more than I should have given my income).  His spending habits were not the red flag they should have been when we were dating.  All these years later, I've gotten smarter and understand that money does not buy happiness, but he has not.  He is a also high earning, works a ton.  Can not be "bothered" with the details of life and saving, he'd rather figure out how to earn more money.  All in all, although he says he is willing to change and that he shares my goals, his actions do not support this- over and over. 

All that bad stuff said, I have stayed with him and intend to.  I love him and he is a good father.  He has made concessions- we live in a small home (but in an affluent area) that he does not like.  I manage the finances and make the key financial decisions (although he still has serious amounts of slush money from side work).  I don't want to paint a pretty picture because it's not that pretty, and he still exhibits "financial infidelity".  These things are hard on me, hard on us.  And in fairness hard on him because all these things create tension in the relationship.  His values are so different than mine, yet I act like mine are the correct ones.  To elaborate, my values are to live more simply and use resources wisely.  His are to experience as many things in life in possible and engage in the many activities he enjoys and take care of family/friends.  He's not a bad person because he wants to do all the things regardless of the cost (although it can be hard to remember this, lol). 

Reducing our larger fixed costs has helped a lot, but it's not a silver bullet.  As you already know, there isn't one.  What I would offer as advice is to understand his view, his values and be open to the fact that they also have value.  From there you need to decide if you have live with these differences.