Author Topic: Best response to MIL?  (Read 3872 times)

A. Wilk

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Best response to MIL?
« on: December 30, 2017, 04:43:23 AM »
MIL wants to visit us here in Japan (flight from Maine). But she refuses to save half of her flight ticket.

Prior to being mustachian, husband used to pay for her flight here full. Things have changed now and we have a baby and saving at 40%.

Spread lies and rumors about me after my husband told her that we can no longer pay for her flight ticket at 100% and gave a lot of excuses for not saving and will guilt trip you. Like we owe her.

People like this you just want to punch in the face. But how do you with a family member like this?

MayDay

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2017, 05:00:47 AM »
Just ignore the temper tantrum, which is easier said than done.

If she brings it up on the phone, you just calmly say "we are able to pay half right now. Let us know when you have your half and we will book it. Until then, let's table the conversation. How is your dog?" If she brings it back up, you say"mil, you know what we are able to pay. Now let's either change the subject or get of the phone".

If you hear from other people directly you can correct any likes she tells. The more matter of fact you can be ("yes,milis correct, we are only able to pay for half her ticket with all the baby expenses, but we hope she'll save up soon since I know grandbaby would love to meet her") just calm and truthful.

People will choose to buy into her drama or not. And if they think you are horrible for not paying her way completely, then do you really want to be friends with them anyway?

The more you can get your h to handle it,the better. If he can firmly tell her that he made the decision for the benefit of her grandchild,it might help. Probably not,but it might. And if it doesn't, then she is a lost cause.

11ducks

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2017, 06:19:42 AM »
You can't control what she says about you. Overthinking it will just cause you stress. Get your DH to deal with her re money matters, and put her drama and negativity out of your head.

Unfortunately, you can't choose your in laws. You gotta take the crazy with the marriage.
On the good side, she lives on the other side of the world (and hopefully can't afford to visit for awhile!)

crispy

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2017, 06:45:59 AM »
First, let your husband deal with her and be the " bad guy." It's his mom, and he needs to be the one setting boundaries. Also, don't cave to her unreasonable requests. That just teachers her that if she whines enough, she will get what she wants. Basically, when she acts lie as toddler, treat her like one.

If she is toxic, go low contact. I have as very dysfunctional family and minimizing contact (and in some cases ceasing contact) has done wonders for my mental health. I don't know if that is appropriate in this situation, but I wish someone had told me that was an option when dealing with my family drama.

hdatontodo

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2017, 07:56:20 AM »
If we pay $x,xxx toward the ticket, then the child will not have $xx,xxx less in their college fund in 18years. Don't you want them to go to college?

SwordGuy

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2017, 08:10:35 AM »
One option when she brings up the ticket, after you've exhausted all the polite options, is to say,

"That is no longer an acceptable topic of discussion.   The decision has been made.  It is done.  We will not discuss it any more."

Then, when she brings it up again, say, "We've already said we would not discuss that anymore.  We'll be glad to hear back from you when you are willing to be polite and respect our decision."

And, this is important, hang up the phone immediately afterwards.

It took several years to teach my mother to be civil to the lady I was going to marry.    I can only tell you that I was one hell of a lot more blunt that the example I've given you.

Car Jack

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2017, 11:51:22 AM »
"With the baby, we don't have this kind of money anymore.  We'd love to see you but won't be able to contribute anything towards your trip".


ixtap

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2017, 12:43:06 PM »
Sounds to me like you are off the hook from having a troublesome visitor.

It really is fair to ask MIL to discuss it with her son if she brings it up to you.

If she is lashing out by lying, there is nothing you can do about that, except be matter of fact when it comes up with other relatives. Not accusative, just setting the record straight.

Paul der Krake

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2017, 12:47:36 PM »
Why are you talking to her at all?

A. Wilk

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #9 on: December 30, 2017, 06:16:04 PM »
Wow thanks everyone! I've gotten the best responses here. Absolutely right that it should be my husband's job to deal with her.

Plugging Along

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2017, 07:44:48 PM »
As others said this is your husbands matter to deal with.

On a side note, is any of the MIL attitude cultural?  I know in some cultures, parents expect their kids to pay for something in full, but then it ends up coming back to the kids.   Its more about saving face.  I dont know if this is the case but just asking.  Again, still up to your husband to deal with.

Exflyboy

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #11 on: December 30, 2017, 07:55:41 PM »
Yes get DH to deal with it. i.e..

Hello Mom, firstly we can't pay anything towards your flights in the future. Secondly you cannot visit us AT ALL until you appologise for your appalling lack of gratitude for us helping you in the past.

My Wife comes first and our finances are for us to appropriate as we see fit. We do not expect this self entitle attitude from you.

Oh wait.. Thats how I would deal with MY MIL... edit as appropriate but make sure she gets the message. She is a cheeky cow!

Tuskalusa

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #12 on: December 30, 2017, 08:04:28 PM »
Oh man, Ive had my share of MIL issues. I feel your pain!!!

That being said, Iwould probably suck it up and (reluctantly) buy her ticket for a couple reasons:

1. With my MIL, Id never live it down.  Not worth the years of drama. 
2. If I buy the ticket, I control the visit timing and length of stay...priceless!

So maybe buy her a ticket and cut her trip to about 5 days.  She gets to see her grandkid. You get a babysitter. And shes in and out!  And you are the Saint for buying the ticket. 😀

Tobias

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #13 on: December 30, 2017, 08:13:48 PM »
The tantrum, lies, and rumors should be enough to cut off contact, but your husband probably won't want to because he probably wants to please his mother. We can't afford it now that we have a baby should he sufficient to a reasonable person, but she isn't reasonable.

PS: I can relate! I married a mama's boy (only child) and his mother got a lot more demanding after we had our first child. She lives in town, and wants us to pamper her in return for babysitting twice a month. For example, she had a fit when my husband only spent $50 on her mother's day gift (on top of taking her out for lunch). She's currently asking my husband for Hamilton tickets!
« Last Edit: December 30, 2017, 08:21:03 PM by Tobias »

Hargrove

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #14 on: December 30, 2017, 08:35:10 PM »
One option when she brings up the ticket, after you've exhausted all the polite options, is to say,

"That is no longer an acceptable topic of discussion.   The decision has been made.  It is done.  We will not discuss it any more."

Then, when she brings it up again, say, "We've already said we would not discuss that anymore.  We'll be glad to hear back from you when you are willing to be polite and respect our decision."

And, this is important, hang up the phone immediately afterwards.

It took several years to teach my mother to be civil to the lady I was going to marry.    I can only tell you that I was one hell of a lot more blunt that the example I've given you.

+1

You either set boundaries or you live without them. There is no alternative, no wishing someone will become polite for you, no hoping someone into meeting your expectations (not saying you're doing that, just saying diplomacy doesn't work when you're being invaded). You can be as aggressive as SwordGuy and accept the overall relationship risk, or else you will have to live with her belief that she's entitled to free gifts from you per her own expectations. The double-whammy is that if you fall into a pattern of not setting boundaries, you will teach those who would walk on you that they can. With your distance, you already have the gatekeeping advantage, so there's that!

My future MIL is already campaigning for grandchildren, but she won't do it when I'm in the room, and my SO just ends the conversation when it comes up. I'm not willing to live on the Guilt and Expectations Wheel.

Exflyboy

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #15 on: December 30, 2017, 09:51:32 PM »
Exactly. I had to hit my MIL where it hurt more than once for her to get the message.. like
'hello, how much power do you think you have over us?".

I cut off all contact for a year and when she illegally registered her new car at my house (to commit sales tax fraud), without telling me I might add.. I reported her to to our local DMV.. She definitely got THAT message!

The problem is, if these healthy boundaries are not set she will keep making ever more outrageous demands.

Nip it in the bud and stop this nonsense now.

Tobias

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #16 on: December 30, 2017, 10:55:15 PM »
Your husband should be setting the boundaries, but if he has an unhealthy relationship with his mother (as mine does) he may not, then you'll have to and you will be the bad guy. Better than letting her walk all over you! I agree she'll continue to press for more. My MIL is planning on moving in with us when she is elderly and destitute, and my husband is actually backing me up on this one. Because he doesn't want me moving out!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G870A using Tapatalk


Exflyboy

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #17 on: December 31, 2017, 12:54:44 AM »
Your husband should be setting the boundaries, but if he has an unhealthy relationship with his mother (as mine does) he may not, then you'll have to and you will be the bad guy. Better than letting her walk all over you! I agree she'll continue to press for more. My MIL is planning on moving in with us when she is elderly and destitute, and my husband is actually backing me up on this one. Because he doesn't want me moving out!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G870A using Tapatalk

Good for you! Its you and him against the World.. or not!!

terran

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #18 on: December 31, 2017, 09:08:59 AM »
Why is she spreading lies and rumors about you? I'm not saying he's blaming you intentionally or anything, but make sure your husband isn't leading his mother to think this is your fault either by actively telling her "I know I used to pay for you to visit, but Mrs. Wilk doesn't want to anymore" (easy to do without really thinking about it if she's giving him crap and he's trying to get her off his back) or passively by not correcting her every time she comes to the conclusion that because he used to pay then you came around and now he doesn't that it's your fault. Presumably you came to this decision together, so he needs to actively "own it" with his mother. You can take any heat your collective decisions cause with your family.

Sibley

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #19 on: December 31, 2017, 09:29:16 AM »
Oh man, Ive had my share of MIL issues. I feel your pain!!!

That being said, Iwould probably suck it up and (reluctantly) buy her ticket for a couple reasons:

1. With my MIL, Id never live it down.  Not worth the years of drama.
2. If I buy the ticket, I control the visit timing and length of stay...priceless!

So maybe buy her a ticket and cut her trip to about 5 days.  She gets to see her grandkid. You get a babysitter. And shes in and out!  And you are the Saint for buying the ticket. 😀

Letting someone stomp on your boundaries is NOT good for you. Just think about that.

Sibley

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #20 on: December 31, 2017, 09:31:54 AM »
Based on some of the responses here, thought I'd throw this link out there. If it's applicable, I'm so very sorry, but you're not alone. If it's not applicable, you can join me in being gobsmacked at some people's behavior (I read, don't post).

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/

AnnaGrowsAMustache

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Re: Best response to MIL?
« Reply #21 on: December 31, 2017, 02:11:55 PM »
Lies, rumours and talking behind my back are not things I tolerate from people in my life. Sure, I can't stop people behaving like that, but I can stop giving a damn about them and remove them from my circle. I don't really care if I happen to be related to them or not.