BTW, I appreciate the cash envelope suggestions, but you all overestimate our willingness and ability here :)
If it can be lost, it will be lost. If it can be found, our 4 year old will find it.
If we have to check, we won't know.
There was a minimalist podcast I heard where a guy was talking about how to achieve consistency in your habits and his best advice was to add friction to the habits you want to ditch and remove friction from the ones you want to increase.
He wanted to floss more, so he decided he needed to keep his floss picks on the counter instead of in the medicine cabinet. By removing one step he was able to go from occasional flossing to every night as he had the reminder and the cabinet-opening step removed from the process.
Not saying financial discipline isn't needed - we're not bad at denying ourselves, we are just looking for a simpler and easier way to gain visibility into specifically when we need to deny ourselves and when we can spend as desired.
The only way to gain visibility is to track your spending, period. If you don't know what you are spending, where, and on what, you won't gain visibility and know -- "when we need to deny ourselves and when we can spend as desired".
I haven't been around much lately, so forgive me for not being aware of your situation. If you have any debt other than a low interest mortgage, you need to deny yourselves -- your financial house is on fire. If you don't have an emergency fund (or as we call it, an income replacement fund) equalling at least 3 months expenses (and preferably 6-12 months), you need to deny yourselves. If you aren't saving a hefty amount of money each month for retirement, you should deny yourselves. The rest of your financial house should be in order before you can spend as desired.
If you spend as desired (short term wants) without having systems in place to reach long term financial goals, you're unlikely to ever meet them. Accountability is a tool, tracking is a tool -- they aren't buzz kills or hand cuffs. They aren't impossible for people with creative minds or small children. You need to know where the money is going.
The only other way to manage it is to give yourselves each a
small, set monthly allowance, tucked into separate accounts with debit cards. If it's in your budget as a bill, no other accountability will be necessary. But you have to be bound by what you budget. She can fritter hers away here and there, and you can save for the big things you like to purchase and blow it in big chunks. You don't dip into the rest of the budget.