[MODS PLEASE DELETE] Therapy after death of parent (or books about)?

[Fru-Gal]

Thanks all for the comments!

Deleted post for privacy reasons.

[FLBiker]

This may not be exactly what you're looking for, but here are two books that can be useful for understanding and changing habits of thought and emotion that leave us feeling stuck: Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach and Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman.  Emotional Alchemy in particular focuses on identifying some of the underlying schema (typically based on childhood events) that govern our adult lives (whether consciously or unconsciously).

[Fru-Gal]

Thank you so much! Will check them out.

[former player]

Parents who present themselves as perfect are problematic because if a parent is perfect then any issues in the parent/child relationship (and there are always issues in a parent/child relationship) have to be the fault of the child, right?

Neither of your parents were perfect.  (Everything you have said about them translates to me as utterly selfish and self-absorbed.)  But they presented themselves to their children and to the world as these extraordinary people, and as a child you believe your parents so you believed they were extraordinary.  Perhaps now one has died a bit more of the truth is able to come out and that is what you are feeling?

Two sentences really struck me in your post: "Neither were interested in their grandchildren" and "I continue to help this parent with .... labor from my children".  To which it is only possible for me to say: why the fuck would you make your children labor for someone who has no interest in them?  I mean, if you want to sacrifice yourself that's your choice (although I don't personally see how it is that someone so effective and impressive needs any help from you) but for dog's sake keep your children away from having to spend their time and energy on this toxic presence in their lives.

[Zamboni]

I'm sorry for your loss, Fru-Gal. I don't have any specific resources to share other than to say that the way you feel is completely understandable. My parents are extremely self-absorbed artists . . . so your post sounded really familiar to me.

[Zamboni]

^Lol at "Grand had a tantrum."

Well that certainly sounds familiar as well.

Part of the reason I keep exposing my kids to my parents is so they can have some understanding about why I am the way I am. None of us are perfect parents. . .  we are all just doing the best that we can . . . but for sure some parents are more challenging than others.

When I am having sad thoughts about how they (mis)treated me, sometimes it helps me to change the narrative in my head to how that treatment also had some positive outcomes for me. Examples are: I am not overly concerned with what other people think, I have thick skin, I am extremely independent, I do not have tantrums, etc. Like you I have very close bonds with my siblings, who are frankly the only people who understand my perspective on my parents.

[LifeHappens]

Yep. And the thing is, my parents are wonderful people. They have many friends and admirers. My parent who died used to often travel very near to my house (but never visit us) to meet with a family friend who admired them.

Hmm. I don't know that I would describe someone who travelled to see a friend "who admired them" and did not bother to pop in for a convenient family visit as a wonderful person.

If I may be so bold, you are dealing with grief, but also dealing with some cognitive dissonance. Your parents are "wonderful people" but were also abusive. They surrounded themselves with admirers and had no interest in their grandchildren. I personally don't read them as being all that wonderful. They may have been talented, charismatic, outgoing, etc, but were they kind, loving and generous to their family?

I say all this as part of understanding your feelings of grief must be very complicated.

[jeninco]

Yep. And the thing is, my parents are wonderful people. They have many friends and admirers. My parent who died used to often travel very near to my house (but never visit us) to meet with a family friend who admired them.

Hmm. I don't know that I would describe someone who travelled to see a friend "who admired them" and did not bother to pop in for a convenient family visit as a wonderful person.

If I may be so bold, you are dealing with grief, but also dealing with some cognitive dissonance. Your parents are "wonderful people" but were also abusive. They surrounded themselves with admirers and had no interest in their grandchildren. I personally don't read them as being all that wonderful. They may have been talented, charismatic, outgoing, etc, but were they kind, loving and generous to their family?

I say all this as part of understanding your feelings of grief must be very complicated.

Definitely this last bit, and I'm sorry -- about both parts: firstly, that you have to deal with the aftermath of their abusive parenting, and also with your complicated feelings about their death.

If it helps, after one particularly crappy visit between my then 7-year old and my father, I realized it was my responsibility to protect my kids from his (neglect, verbal abuse, inability to recognize the humanity in anyone except himself, take your pick here). And about a week later, I realized that I could protect MYSELF from all that same stuff, too.  And over the next year, as I watched for that behavior from him, I saw more and more of it -- and I was no longer justifying it to myself.  Ending: haven't really talked to the asshole in years, and he's kept being an abusive asshole to other people, so nothing's changed.

I guess what I'm saying is partly that it's OK to be angry and sad and disappointed that those "extraordinary" people didn't do a better job, and couldn't see past their own noses to who you really were. It sounds like you've done a great job doing things differently with your own children. I feel like the activity of raising my own kids differently was an opportunity to reflect on where my own parents fell short, and to come to peace with that, in whatever way worked for me, you know?

[Sibley]

It is possible for a person to be wonderful, kind, compassionate, respected, etc - but only to certain people, and to other people for them to show very different (and often negative) sides. This is not a contradiction, but it is a reflection of the complexity of people.

Another book that some find helpful is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It may or may not apply to you, but its worth at least looking at.

Complicated relationships make for complicated grief. Struggling with this is not a shameful thing.

[Zamboni]

One book that looks promising and is highly rated is The Orphaned Adult by Alexander Levy.

I'm not a psychologist, but it is possible that in some way you mourned not having a relationship of mutual interest and admiration with the deceased parent long before they died. And now that you are having to care so much for the remaining parent, and now that you are watching them be so disinterested in your own children, the old wounds from them not taking more supportive interest in your young self now get raked open regularly.

I don't know if you will find this helpful or not:

One time in middle school I remember asking my Dad "Dad, you know my team is really good, we might be undefeated this season, will you please come see us play a game? Some of the other parents come to all of the games . . . "

And his answer was one of the truest things he ever said to me:
"Well, you know, your mother and I have our own things that we are interested in doing. We think it's great that your team is good this year, but we'd just rather focus our time on our own interests."

That's it in a nutshell, and it can be applied to anything I was working on. Bottom line: their other projects were vastly more important to them than being fully supportive parents. Neither of my parents understood that an important part of showing your children you love them is supporting them in their endeavors, whatever those are, especially when they are struggling. My Mom cares even less about our interests and accomplishments. She still routinely belittles my brother for not finishing college, for example, but she didn't offer to pay a dime for it (he dropped out when he just didn't have money for his last semester of tuition), she never visited him when he was in college, she never went to even one of his matches, and he is professionally more successful than she has ever been. Yes, he struggles with it. I struggle with it too. Once she passes, it will be forever unresolved, but I don't think it can be resolved. They are who they are.

So, both of my parents are extremely ego-centric. They didn't stay together because they didn't admire each other's creations often or loudly enough, honestly. They aren't interested much in visiting with my children, or any children, because children are also ego-centric, and so most children don't spend any of their time telling the adults around them how wonderful they are. Contrast that with the adults they surround themselves with: people who fawn over them about how wonderful and talented and skilled they are.

(Hugs)

[SunnyDays]

Perhaps instead of looking for resolution in books, you could have a heart to heart with your remaining parent? 
They ridiculed you as a child, couldn't be bothered to support/celebrate your children in their interests/accomplishments, couldn't be bothered to see you when it would have been convenient to do so, etc.  Trying to put a positive spin on their treatment of you by saying it has had some benefits just lets you whitewash your feelings about it all.  None of their behaviour says anything about you or your kids, but about themselves, and it doesn't say anything flattering.  It might be helpful to lay it all out to the remaining parent and get their explanation for their behaviour (if they can be bothered to give you one).  Then you will know if you've truly misunderstood some things or they were/are not the people you thought they were.  Either way, you need to come to some closure about the family dynamics.

[Frugal Lizard]

Maybe they are nice people to other people. But as someone with parents that are beloved by many, being their kid has not been a walk in the park. My parents separated when I was 8 and divorced when I was 14. They were self-centered and immature.

My Dad made a lot of changes to his life and became a much better person, especially when he married his third wife. My second stepmother was keen on making the blended family work. She had more patience than my first stepmom. I freely mourned him when he died in 2018. His death was some days after a car accident. It led to PSTD symptoms and therapy about four months later. But I was able to process it and heal. I thought I was good to go.

My Mother remained difficult. At 45 I would have gone no contact with her if it was just me, but my husband and my two kids are part of the picture. It was easier just to hold her at a safe distance. And now she has descended into dementia. I provide assistance and interaction, as I would to a defenceless old lady neighbour without family closeby. Having a declining parent means more interactions with my wounded brothers. It is not easy but I now see how all the coping skills we developed as a result of our crappy childhood are not necessarily helpful for healthy interactions now.

No matter how many dear old friends my mother has, she was a lousy mother. My brothers and I had basic needs that weren't met. Love was not freely given but criticism was. And there was a lot of trauma to be survived without an adult to help.

My Dad isn't blameless. His was MIA when we needed him. But he worked out our relationship when I had kids of my own and he wanted to be so involved. He was a lousy Dad, but turned into a fantastic grandpa by the time there were kids needing a grandpa.

And I am back in therapy. Last year was bad for new traumas, separate from, but complicated by, old wounds. Unfortunately new traumas and old can pack themselves into a big huge trauma snowball.

One thing that I have learned from all this is: the person is who they are. My brothers are not suddenly going to be empathetic. My Mother was never going to do any work to learn to forgive or start being selfless. She is mean and angry about everything and will be until she forgets to be. We could never have a heart to heart with any hope of change. She doesn't have the capacity.


 

[lentil]

My father died two years ago under difficult circumstances. I found that a lot of emotions and memories came up, many of them hard to intellectualize or make perfect sense of, and therapy was really helpful. Among other things, it was nice to have someone I could just talk to about *me,* without also having to talk about their grief, or the way my grief was making them feel, or all the other things that were often a facet of conversations with my other family members & friends. This included being free to talk about the many ways I was angry with my father, or all the other very conflicted things I was feeling right alongside a simpler sadness.

My personal experience is that making myself busy, pushing to fill my life up, or trying to express myself creatively did not help me "move past" grief (or the various complicated things I was feeling and experiencing). I just had to feel all the feelings, and eventually find ways to accept them. That's just my own experience though.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Cassie]

I don’t see them as wonderful people either. They sound very selfish. I can’t imagine visiting a friend and not my children. I would love to have a grandchild and they threw away the opportunity. My parents were excellent grandparents as were their parents and we all benefited from it. Being in my late 60’s I have friends and my own life but nothing is more important than my kids. We have gotten closer as we all get older. It’s hard to lose a parent no matter what the circumstances.

[TreeLeaf]

Sorry for your loss.

If you talk to enough people you realize people are often doing the best with what they have available to them at the time. The perpetual drunk and drug addict lacks will power, and gets hooked on drugs. Once hooked they can't resist the urge...the addiction. They are reacting to what their mind says.

A lot of things in people are like this. They are reacting to things that come into their mind. Fears born from irrational beliefs, anger born from perceived injustice, desire born from lustful attraction, love born from close attachment...

and sadness - born from loss.

The difference between the raging schizophrenic and the irrationally angry man is not as far apart as one thinks. They are both reacting to internal things they believe are real. Pride....protection...fear...and beliefs about themselves and other people.

And they are both doing the best with what they have. Some people are simply lacking in different areas. Self control, compassion, empathy, understanding. Not everyone is internally wired the same way. Our experiences help to shape who we are.

I never met your parents - or your parent that passed away. I would guess, though, that they did the best with what they had during the time they were alive.

I pray that you can find inner peace during this time in your life.

One thing that has helped me to have peace in my life, and reflecting on my childhood, is realizing that my parents did the best they could, even if they had their own unique problems in life.

[scantee]

Oof, so much of this resonants with me. My dad passed away two years ago, and while he wasn’t at all a mean to his kids - if anything he was overly involved in our lives - he was a complicated and troubled person and that impacted me and my siblings’ relationships with him. I’ve spent so much time over the past two years processing my relationship with my dad and where I’ve ended up so far (still working through it) is that he did the best he could with what he had. Mostly I just feel sad for him. He grew up in a truly abusive household, his mother almost certainly had something like Borderline Personality Disorder, and his father was extremely passive, unwilling to intervene on his behalf. His bad early childhood plagued him his entire life. Although he had success in his life, til the end he was clearly just deeply unsettled in a way that would never truly go away.

He did a much better job parenting than his parents did. I hope to do a better job than he did. Should my kids have kids, I hope they can do a better job than I did. And so on. My hope is that each subsequent generation will do incrementally better, being more aware of how their own flawed upbringing can limit developing deep connections with their children.

Another book that you may want to look into is The Drama of the Gifted Child (gifted here doesn’t mean, like, super smart but the forced awareness that comes from poor parental treatment). I’ve never read this book but it’s about this exact struggle and I know people really connect with it. What’s interesting is that the author, Alice Miller, had a son who wrote a book outlining how his mother was abusive to him as a child. She could identify the dynamic in others, but couldn’t see it, or couldn’t change it, in herself. I think that is true for many parents who are abusive or narcissistic: they may know how they behave is destructive but they are simply incapable from changing as they’ve had no models of a different way to be. 

[lhamo]

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but if you found therapy helpful at an earlier stage in your life why do you not want to pursue it now?   I know it is hard to find a good fit, but if/when you do the results can be AMAZING! 

But to your question about books, a few suggestions:

1)  What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo.  Not an easy read, but she is an excellent writer and frames her therapy journey in relationship to her development as a creative professional (she worked on This American Life for several years).

2)  Not specifically about parental dynamics but Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb is also an amazing journey through therapy from both sides -- she outlines her own therapeutic journey over many years AND talks about her training and practice as a therapist. 

3)  When you mentioned the dynamic with your parent I immediately thought of Blood Bones and Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton.  The first part of the book is about her childhood, during which she was pretty much feral while her artistic/mentally ill parents did their own thing.  Then she went on to become a famous chef in NYC.  Been awhile since I read it but it was good and I think it would resonate.

4)  Other therapy-related authors you might want to look into:

Richard Schwarz, founder of Internal Family Systems.  Tim Ferris interviewed him a few years back and had him walk through an aspect of his trauma from an IFS lens -- very interesting (touches on childhood sexual abuse, but not in graphic detail)

Gabor Mate, was also on Tim Ferris recently (last summer).  One of the top researchers on trauma/addiction.  Lots of him on Youtube.   His new book is The Myth of Normal (haven't read that one).  He also wrote In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts (about addiction) and Scattered (about ADHD). 

5)  Not specifically therapy related but Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is an excellent exploration around the dynamics of death and dying in families. 

[lhamo]

My situation is a bit easier for me to accept than many/most would be, but maybe rambling about it a bit would help so while I finish my coffee I will.

I have C-PTSD.  There are several components of it that are entirely unrelated to my dynamic with my parents (multiple car crashes, including two rollover accidents that I thankfully walked away from) or only partially so (abusive first relationship that coincided with considerable tension with my parents (in hindsight 100% justified on their part) and then my father's sudden death from a heart attack when I was 15).  But in a few sessions with a very good therapist who had me hone in on when I have had major dissociative episodes throughout my life, plus some other investigation into family history I came to realize that my own neural patterns were VERY much impacted/developed in the context of their own trauma.  I can never know for sure, but the way I see it now is that my dad was so traumatized by the death of their first two children -- especially my elder brother at age 10 from brain cancer -- that he also was shut down/shut off from me at key periods.  Especially when my grandfather (who was my primary caregiver at that point) died suddenly from a heart attack when I was 7.  That is when I had the my first serious period of anxiety/depression (that I can remember).  I was so afraid to go to sleep that I had insomnia for about 6 months.  And my parents didn't or couldn't help.  Probably my dad was subsumed by his own grief/depression at the time and barely keeping afloat. 

Another key point was when I reacted to some severe bullying at school in 5th/6th grade by developing a pretty severe case of trichotillomania. Within a few weeks I had a bald stripe down the center of my scalp where I had pulled all my hair out.  Hardly normal, and not something you could miss.  But my parents said/did nothing about it.

From today's perspective, you could say that my parents were extremely neglectful.  A responsible parent in today's world would surely seek out information/help for these types of expressions of anxiety/depression in their child.  But things were different back in the 70s-80s, and my parents were dealing with their own shit.  I do know they loved me/us.  Some things they just weren't able to cope with, and the patterns in their own families of origin had always been to stuff shit down/ignore it/dissociate, so that is what they did and what they passed on to me.

I guess because ultimately I know my parents really loved me but were just struggling to cope it is easier to be at peace with what happened back then while still working hard to root out the effects of it in my psychology and day to day life.  One of those effects is very much an "I can fix it myself" mentality.  Which has helped me manage through some hard places (like having a major breakdown while in China where it was basically impossible to get good mental health care).  But man, when I have gotten good/effective care the results have been truly transformative.  Contemplating paying for some shit in the coming months as a result.  But still doing a ton of DIY tinkering, so I'm here to keep you company if you want/need it.

[mistymoney]

This has been a very heavy and difficult read for me. So much that I relate to.

Fru-Gal, condolences on your loss and I wish you success on a journey of healing. I too find your attempted balanced analysis of your parents a sad attempt to spackle over neglect and abuse by very shallow people.

My mother seems very similar to yours, and she cultivated a persona in front of everyone.....except me. I was so invisible to her I wasn't even part of the audience. She decided that I was not attractive, not talented, and moved forward pointedly with that reality. At a very formal gathering as she was bragging about her good looks from yesteryear, to people she hardly knew. who complemented her by saying "we can tell you were beautiful because you have a very beautiful daughter" she looked at me, rolled her eyes, and replied "I was much better looking than that!" I was maybe 18/19/20 at that time and she was about 60. When I was about 15/16, I was in the concert band and had a musical recital at school - I asked if they were coming and she said - "we don't need to, we can hear you practice" and she had supposedly been.....a muscian. These things, much as I would like to forget them, seem seared into my consciousness. In part defining me no matter how much I have tried to erase her influence there. There was a time when I could rise above it but now it seems to weigh me down much more. In some sense as I am now older and no longer "very beautiful", and the time to be talented and creative is rapidly waning, it feels like she has gotten her wish. that I am now as invisible to the world as she always wanted me to be. It would be easier to deal with if I could have some more space but she is very elderly, in poor health, needs care, and continues to swipe at me.

She is such a delight that nurses are always telling me that I am so lucky to have her for a mother. Why the fuck do they say this? Is that just something nurses always say? Or is she being super charming but also complaining about me? And they think I need to understand I should appreciate her?

Why the hell would they say that all the time?

[former player]

She is such a delight that nurses are always telling me that I am so lucky to have her for a mother. Why the fuck do they say this? Is that just something nurses always say? Or is she being super charming but also complaining about me? And they think I need to understand I should appreciate her?

Why the hell would they say that all the time?

This is, in my experience, absolutely typical: that a mother is charming to everyone except their own daughter. 

The nurses say it to you because that's the side your mother presents to them: they are passing on their own pleasure.  Nursing the elderly and infirm is not a easy job and elderly nursing patients are rarely charming, if your mother is to them that makes their lives easier and probably makes your mother's treatment better. Smile at them sweetly and say you are glad they find her so.   It is, in my experience, totally useless to try to change their minds.  Your good friends will be the ones who listen and understand.

A psychiatrist friend once told me that it is a form of jealousy, that these mothers can see their daughter, born in later and more prosperous times, having social and economic opportunities that they may not have had, or because of their (relative) youth having opportunities that they are now too old for.  A daughter is a socially safe recipient of a mother's disappointments.

Most people's achievements are not as great as they make out, 99.99% of us will be totally forgotten within a generation, probably including all the parents described in this thread as being so talented, so beautiful, so successful.  If the parents mentioned in this thread haven't won a Nobel or its equivalent in their field then they haven't been successful enough to justify the way they've treated their children.   (Even if they have won a Nobel it still isn't enough. I used to know the children of a Nobel winner.  Believe me, be glad you weren't.)

[Frugal Lizard]

She is such a delight that nurses are always telling me that I am so lucky to have her for a mother. Why the fuck do they say this? Is that just something nurses always say? Or is she being super charming but also complaining about me? And they think I need to understand I should appreciate her?

Why the hell would they say that all the time?

This is, in my experience, absolutely typical: that a mother is charming to everyone except their own daughter. 

The nurses say it to you because that's the side your mother presents to them: they are passing on their own pleasure.  Nursing the elderly and infirm is not a easy job and elderly nursing patients are rarely charming, if your mother is to them that makes their lives easier and probably makes your mother's treatment better. Smile at them sweetly and say you are glad they find her so.   It is, in my experience, totally useless to try to change their minds.  Your good friends will be the ones who listen and understand.

A psychiatrist friend once told me that it is a form of jealousy, that these mothers can see their daughter, born in later and more prosperous times, having social and economic opportunities that they may not have had, or because of their (relative) youth having opportunities that they are now too old for.  A daughter is a socially safe recipient of a mother's disappointments.

Most people's achievements are not as great as they make out, 99.99% of us will be totally forgotten within a generation, probably including all the parents described in this thread as being so talented, so beautiful, so successful.  If the parents mentioned in this thread haven't won a Nobel or its equivalent in their field then they haven't been successful enough to justify the way they've treated their children.   (Even if they have won a Nobel it still isn't enough. I used to know the children of a Nobel winner.  Believe me, be glad you weren't.)

OMG that is a frigging revelation to me. It makes total sense, particularly now that my mother is unable to filter as nimbly as she used to be. Gosh, thank you for pointing that out. It could explain a big deal of my mother's harshness.

[jeninco]

She is such a delight that nurses are always telling me that I am so lucky to have her for a mother. Why the fuck do they say this? Is that just something nurses always say? Or is she being super charming but also complaining about me? And they think I need to understand I should appreciate her?

Why the hell would they say that all the time?

This is, in my experience, absolutely typical: that a mother is charming to everyone except their own daughter. 

The nurses say it to you because that's the side your mother presents to them: they are passing on their own pleasure.  Nursing the elderly and infirm is not a easy job and elderly nursing patients are rarely charming, if your mother is to them that makes their lives easier and probably makes your mother's treatment better. Smile at them sweetly and say you are glad they find her so.   It is, in my experience, totally useless to try to change their minds.  Your good friends will be the ones who listen and understand.

A psychiatrist friend once told me that it is a form of jealousy, that these mothers can see their daughter, born in later and more prosperous times, having social and economic opportunities that they may not have had, or because of their (relative) youth having opportunities that they are now too old for.  A daughter is a socially safe recipient of a mother's disappointments.

Most people's achievements are not as great as they make out, 99.99% of us will be totally forgotten within a generation, probably including all the parents described in this thread as being so talented, so beautiful, so successful.  If the parents mentioned in this thread haven't won a Nobel or its equivalent in their field then they haven't been successful enough to justify the way they've treated their children.   (Even if they have won a Nobel it still isn't enough. I used to know the children of a Nobel winner.  Believe me, be glad you weren't.)

OMG that is a frigging revelation to me. It makes total sense, particularly now that my mother is unable to filter as nimbly as she used to be. Gosh, thank you for pointing that out. It could explain a big deal of my mother's harshness.

Which, honestly? Is absolutely horrible! We view our children as their own beings that we can delight in, rather than some weird kind of "competition".  I mean, they could out-ski us by the time they were 13... which was genuinely wonderful!

[Cassie]

I can’t imagine not reveling in your kid’s achievements. Many of these responses make me so happy for my parents who were always supportive and encouraging.  I love my kids more than anything and am always happy for them and always supportive. The older we all get the closer we are. Llamo,  I can’t imagine the pain your entire family went through losing 2 children. The pain had to be excruciating. I also can’t imagine not noticing my child was pulling her hair out. I have 2 friends that have lost a child and the only thing that kept them going was that they had another child to be there for.  Many of these stories are very sad.

[TreeLeaf]

This may sound strange but - you say you once benefited from therapy, but you don't want to have to pay for therapy again.

Have you considered simply having some long conversations with someone in your life who is very compassionate, understanding, and who genuinely wants to see you happy, healthy, and mentally at peace? Some long, deeply reflective conversations about how you think and feel?

I went to therapy during my younger years, but I can honestly say I have benefited far more from just being around people who are compassionate, non-judgmental, and understanding. Some people are genuinely compassionate, self-reflective, non-judgmental, and genuinely want those around them to be happy in life. Some of these sorts of people wind up working as therapists, but not always.

I have a certain anxiety of therapists...somewhat ironically. I just have trouble reading them at times, and trusting their intentions, and they often seem far too impersonal and professional and serious for me. I'm also one of those people who appear simple on the outside but who is deeply complex on the inside. I never found a therapist I really clicked with.

But I have a TON of people in my life these days who are supportive, positive, understanding, and self-reflective themselves. Some of them actually have psychology degrees, or degrees in therapy. This is completely by design. I just naturally seek out these sorts of people - people who are open and honest and who can talk about their own thoughts and feelings in a self-reflective way, etc. I naturally self select my friend circle and push away people who lack certain attributes like integrity, openness, etc.

So I don't have a therapist, but I have tons of intelligent compassionate understanding people in my life.

Is there someone in your life - a good friend or family member perhaps - you could have some long conversations with? Someone with a background or interest in psychology who cares about you on a personal level?

[former player]

But I have a TON of people in my life these days who are supportive, positive, understanding, and self-reflective themselves. Some of them actually have psychology degrees, or degrees in therapy. This is completely by design. I just naturally seek out these sorts of people - people who are open and honest and who can talk about their own thoughts and feelings in a self-reflective way, etc. I naturally self select my friend circle and push away people who lack certain attributes like integrity, openness, etc.

So I don't have a therapist, but I have tons of intelligent compassionate understanding people in my life.

Is there someone in your life - a good friend or family member perhaps - you could have some long conversations with? Someone with a background or interest in psychology who cares about you on a personal level?

Also, have you thought about having those long and thoughtful conversations with your siblings?  They are the ones who have the closest experiences to yours, and hearing what they have to say about the less desirable aspects of your upbringing might be enlightening.  My brother and I only recently (several decades after the event) exchanged that we had both had exactly the same thoughts about how we might successfully leave home while still underage.  Particularly if your parents were keen on a "divide and rule" approach to their children there may be a lot to talk about that would be helpful in processing your feelings now.

[mistymoney]

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but if you found therapy helpful at an earlier stage in your life why do you not want to pursue it now?   I know it is hard to find a good fit, but if/when you do the results can be AMAZING! 

But to your question about books, a few suggestions:

1)  What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo.  Not an easy read, but she is an excellent writer and frames her therapy journey in relationship to her development as a creative professional (she worked on This American Life for several years).

2)  Not specifically about parental dynamics but Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb is also an amazing journey through therapy from both sides -- she outlines her own therapeutic journey over many years AND talks about her training and practice as a therapist. 

3)  When you mentioned the dynamic with your parent I immediately thought of Blood Bones and Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton.  The first part of the book is about her childhood, during which she was pretty much feral while her artistic/mentally ill parents did their own thing.  Then she went on to become a famous chef in NYC.  Been awhile since I read it but it was good and I think it would resonate.

4)  Other therapy-related authors you might want to look into:

Richard Schwarz, founder of Internal Family Systems.  Tim Ferris interviewed him a few years back and had him walk through an aspect of his trauma from an IFS lens -- very interesting (touches on childhood sexual abuse, but not in graphic detail)

Gabor Mate, was also on Tim Ferris recently (last summer).  One of the top researchers on trauma/addiction.  Lots of him on Youtube.   His new book is The Myth of Normal (haven't read that one).  He also wrote In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts (about addiction) and Scattered (about ADHD). 

5)  Not specifically therapy related but Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is an excellent exploration around the dynamics of death and dying in families.

Read the amazon preview on blood, bones, and butter - amazing writing, reminds me of james agee. Very poetical.

However, the author described cuddling her mother, so definitely a very different experience than I had. Still seems like a great read for other aspects. The descirptive language is very evocative, and compelling with visual and olfactory info.