The whole "anything but your last name" theme from the OP and others in here leaves a bad taste in my mouth. You'll accept your name, and a different name, but not his name, and still haven't given a reason other than "because patriarchy". against?
Do you people actually read the thread before commenting and making claims like this? Try it and you'll see I have given reasons - I just didn't want to share personal details early on. (I was uncomfortable sharing as #1 below is pretty personal, but also something I feel very strongly about). Here's what I've previously said:
1) His name comes from his dad, who is an asshole who abused his mom and she divorced him when he started hitting the kids too. He has a very poor relationship with his dad - awkward, infrequent, arms-length, etc., which is in such contrast to the warm and close one he has with his mom it makes the gulf seem especially wide. (On the other hand, my name comes from my dad, who has been recognized as a national hero. Not just decorated with medals, he's one of a small number of people officially labeled as a hero. I have a great relationship with my dad. Also he's not an abuser.)
2) His last name was made up when that part of his family immigrated over to the US. If they had kept the original name, he would have had a strong argument in favor of using his name, however, he has no desire to return to the original name. His current one holds no historical value. Mine dates back much longer as a result.
3) My name is in the first few letters of the alphabet. His is not (middle of alphabet). (I know some people consider this a stupid reason, but I've heard this from a lot of people buried in the middle/back who hated it. We also both have published papers and while our fields don't hold by the alphabetical naming convention, it's not totally unlikely our kid could go into such a field and thus gain this advantage.)
(Note: The sole reason he's articulated for his name is "that's how it's done", which is why the discussion of patriarchy arose.)
Not relevant factors: In regards to ease of pronunciation and how they sound, they are both fine. While his sibling is passing the name down and mine are not, I do have extended family that are so I don't feel that's a particularly compelling argument. Neither name is more likely to get the child into college or a job.
My ideal solution would be to create a new name from a combination of our current names, as it would be acknowledging we come together as a new family. I have always liked the idea behind this, ever since I first heard it about 10 years ago. Unfortunately, he's opposed to this idea and flatly rejected it, hence why I've tried compromising by suggesting a random approach - gender based or flip a coin.
This all said, I find it amazing the number of people who tell me to swallow my pride and move on, when *I'm* not the bully in this situation. Apparently it's ok to be an intransigent bully if you have history on your side, even in this off-beat forum! Anyways, I'm finding this thread less than helpful now, so I am going to see about closing it now. Thanks for all of the ideas and suggestions.