At a crossroads in life and could use some sage counsel.

[Ford Prefect]

I’m at a crossroads in life, and having lurked on this site for a couple years and knowing that there are some smart, out-of-the-box people here with similar values as me, I thought I might ask for your thoughts. I’m sorry for how disjointed this will be, I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts.

I found this website back in 2016 when, after struggling to find decent-paying work since graduating into the 2008 recession (I was a humanities major and not well-connected), I finally got a job that left me with a decent amount of disposable income the bills were paid. The advice I found here on what to do with it helped me go from being 30k in debt to having a well-padded emergency fund and a 401k that, while not raising any eyebrows, is doing exponentially better with my regular contributions.

The job I’ve been working at since then has some perks, but my boss is possibly the worst human being I’ve met in my life and makes being there miserable (it’s not just my opinion--he has a Reputation, my therapist describes his behavior as abusive and tells me it’s urgent to my mental health that I quit). My role specifically is assistant to this person, so I interact with him a lot, and I was told when I started at this place that there’s no such thing as advancement, so staying here and avoiding him is off the table. I was ready to quit in 2020, but then there was this little world event and I thought it was too risky to leave.

I’ve been applying to jobs, but to be honest, I feel mentally burnt out and the idea of jumping immediately into something new in the same field (which I don’t want to do anymore and where I’m most likely to land something) is overwhelming. At the same time, quitting with nothing lined up makes me terribly anxious—another long stretch of barely making ends meet is not something I want to go through again. In theory, this is what my emergency savings is for (being burnt out from years spent in a stressful, abusive work environment probably qualifies, right?). I don’t want to be an assistant anymore, I want to do something totally different. I don’t know what, but years spent trying to think my way to an answer clearly isn’t working. I think I might have to just try different things until something fits. But what, and how do I pay the bills while I do that?

Additional factors:
- The economic climate is precarious right now, and my current position is recession-proof (my boss will always need an assistant, will always be able to afford it, and hates rolling the dice on someone new).
-I don’t have parents I can crash with until I sort myself out. I have siblings, but they have families to take care of and can’t take me in.
- I have cash savings of about 50k
- I’m unmarried and childless, so I only have myself to consider.

I’m entering middle age and discovering that I sleep-walked into the exact life I didn’t want for myself: working for a psychopath in the densest part of the most expensive city in the country (where unfortunately I am from and where most of my connections are) doing work that I hate.

Has anyone else here needed a total fresh start? What did you do to get there?

[rockeTree]

I'm sorry things suck. Working for a jerk the last three years has to have been grueling.

I was younger than you, and it may not be as easy now as it was for me then, but once when I was completely fried and overwhelmed and could not face applying for a working at the kinds of jobs I could most likely get I got a working holiday visa and spent a good chunk of time WWOOFing. https://wwoof.net  You sign up, get a list of small farms in an area, call 'em up and see if they need help, and work half days for room and board so your costs are low. Back then at least most of them were pretty relaxing, and if one wasn't you moved on to the next. Folks who found a good fit might stay somewhere for months. Maybe you're not a rural life and dirt person, but maybe there is something else that would be a lower stress complete reset and cost less than VHCOL so you are not freaked out about money that is not expected to be long term. Fire tower watch!

What do you like? Where do you feel flow? Find something with some of that that you can do somewhere where you won't spend more than a grand a month and try to just breathe.

Last time I had a genuinely awful boss it took me close to a year to really get over it. But you will get past this.

[LifeHappens]

In theory, this is what my emergency savings is for (being burnt out from years spent in a stressful, abusive work environment probably qualifies, right?).

This certainly sounds like an emergency.

Do you have any PTO you can use right now? Could your therapist help you get on FMLA? You need some time and space to clear your mind. You won't get that while you are at work.

[Askel]

Back in ~2014, the place I was working was run by something of a doofus. He wasn't my direct supervisor, and he definitely didn't qualify as a psychopath, but it was enough to make we want out.  I found a supported graduate student position and quit. 

That new career trajectory kinda slowly fizzled, but hey- doofus boss left, and there were plenty of open positions with my old employer. I went back to a better job with more pay! 

 The point being, I guess- most people who quit the crappy job, leave the shitty relationship, etc. don't regret it, even if it doesn't work out like you think it would.   

[JGS1980]

Get the hell out. You have F.U. Money. Use it.

Find a job in your current field. Give yourself 4-12 weeks in between gigs to decompress. Do whatever you want in the interim.

You sound like you hate your current job because you hate your current boss. A similar job with someone nice may make all the difference in the world.

Good luck and keep us updated.

JGS

[Telecaster]

Complete fresh starts are hard to accomplish, unless you have personal relationship with someone who has an opening.

However, I have seen people start off as assistants and move into technical roles.  Basically by making yourself invaluable, always increasing your skillset, etc. 

[JAYSLOL]

 I’m sorry to hear, your boss sounds like a living nightmare and you don’t deserve to be abused.  My advice would be to immediately defer to the advice you are getting from the professional therapist you are seeing and quit asap.  I would also encourage you to not worry too much about what type of work you are trying to get at the moment, this might be a great time for you to do some kind of work you never considered that could be more enjoyable and less stressful for you.  You might consider moving somewhere less busy, less expensive and less stressful and try something completely different like doing gardening work for people, or working in a small family shop that sells something that interests you like books, or jewelry or something.  You don’t need to find a new career right away, or even at all, you can always jump back in as a personal assistant when you’ve healed from this ordeal. 

[Laura33]

Quit.  Now.

I have worked for a truly abusive boss, and the gaslighting tears down your self-esteem bit by bit, until you start to think that there's no other option and you don't even deserve better, so better the devil you know, etc.  IOW, abusers know how to play on your worst fears, because that keeps you from leaving.  So your current view of your own options is very largely colored by what your boss wants you to think.  And you won't be able to get the headspace you need to assess your options until you're out of that situation.  No job is worth your self-respect. 

The thing that helped me the most was brainstorming what all of my options were, without rejecting any.  When we're stuck in a rut, we get blinders on as we tell ourselves that any other option is too risky/too scary/not something we'd be happy with/etc. etc. etc.  But those knee-jerk rejections aren't helpful; again, they're driven by the negative mindset more than reality.  Instead, when you've got the options on the table, play the "what if" game:  say you quit and can't find a new job -- what do you do then?  Well, you've got $50K in emergency cash to tide you over for months, so you can wait and keep looking; you can change the kind of job you're looking for; you can get a barista-type job to extend your savings further; you can quit and move and start over; you can go to a trade school and retrain; you can go back for a Masters/certificate in some other area; you can teach yourself to code or some other employable skill via free lessons on the web; you can move abroad and teach English; etc. etc. etc. 

Now, obviously some of those options are going to be more desirable than others.  But the point is to force yourself to do an objective pro/con analysis instead of just giving the knee-jerk no.  Because when you see how many options are truly out there, it gives you your power back.  You're not actually helpless, and your choices are not limited to either suffering this boss forever or ending up homeless on a park bench. 

I suspect you feel burned by your earlier experience trying to find a career post-graduation.  But that means you're looking at it the wrong way.  Sure, you don't want to go through that again -- who would?  But you've already demonstrated that you have the grit and determination and resilience to survive that kind of struggle.  Be proud of that -- you did that, no one else.  And if you did it before, you can do it again if you have to.  So there's really nothing to be scared of, is there? 

[jennifers]

I'm in a similar situation. I quit my job of 12 years and I don't regret it at all. I read somewhere online that people almost never regret quitting their jobs. Take a few months off and if you have trouble finding another job later you can always get a part time job doing something fun/easy to bring in some cash. Feel free to DM me if you wanna chat about being unemployed!

[Alternatepriorities]

I'm solidly on team quit.

If you can do it without burning bridges that would be best, but if the bridge is going to burn anyway then just go ASAP.

If you haven't done much travelling I would highly recommend going somewhere completely different than " the densest part of the most expensive city in the country". Hike the Camino de Santiago, climb Kilimanjaro, back pack through some affordable country like Nepal, Bike across a few states or a whole continent... Just get away from what you sleep walked into and see what you think of it. Travel doesn't have to be expensive and is a great way for me to clear my head and get some new ideas.

[charis]

I'm surprised no one has suggested a medical leave of absence yet.  Do you have sick leave you put to go use before quitting?  It sounds like you would definitely be entitled to it, per the therapist.

[TreeLeaf]

You're a Mustachian.

Walk the fuck out.

That is what I did in the past in a similar situation except no savings and in debt, that is what I did again when I was married with 3 children working a shitty job, and that is what I would do in the future if I ever got in a bad work situation.

It's also what you should do.

If it makes you feel better, spend some time looking at other jobs you can do for similar pay, then scream "this is Sparta!" a few times in the mirror in the morning to get yourself pumped up before sending the resignation email.

You have to have some sort of faith in yourself to make decent money again in the future. That is the key. Find a way to give yourself reassurance that this will happen.

[Psychstache]

The job I’ve been working at since then has some perks, but my boss is possibly the worst human being I’ve met in my life and makes being there miserable (it’s not just my opinion--he has a Reputation, my therapist describes his behavior as abusive and tells me it’s urgent to my mental health that I quit).

Yes, your therapist is right. Leave immediately. There is no way to quantify the psychological toll this is taking on you. Life is too short to work for someone you think of in this way. Get out now!

[Just Joe]

Get the fuck out. Go find a "little" job until your head is right again. Take on a roomie if necessary to extend your financial situation. Also get outside and move. Assuming you are in the northern hemisphere spring is here. Enjoy it. Read some books. Visit some friends. Drink some <insert favorite beverages here>. Consider where additional training would lead to positive opportunities.

A graceful departure with notice might be best (references) but if there is little benefit just walk ASAP.

[Omy]

A (middle-aged) sibling of mine left their stressful job with a horrible boss with $20k in the bank and no job offer in hand.

They left in July, decompressed a bit, and started looking....and just started their dream job in December. 

Sibling had no dependents and relatively low expenses. If they hadn't found a job by the time the money ran out, they were planning to work at any of a number of part time gigs.

Leave asap....everything will work out just fine.

[iluvzbeach]

If you don't feel you can quit ASAP, then please at the very least start with the longest medical leave of absence you can get.  That will allow you time to begin working on recovering and also begin a new job search.

Another thing to consider is filing a formal complaint with HR.  That would at least get your concerns documented and, perhaps, encourage the company to give you a parting gift ($$$) to leave.  Obviously HR is in the business of protecting the company, but you could use it to your advantage as much as possible.  Based on what you've described, the HR route probably isn't something you have the mental energy to deal with, so do what you can to get out ASAP.

Your physical & mental health are way more important than this job.

[Rob_bob]

You didn't give any examples of what the boss does to be so difficult to work with so it's no possible to address them.  I mention a boss I had years ago, probably much different than your guy but maybe will lay a foundation.

Long long ago I worked for a small manufacturing company.  I guess you could say I was a "floater", I moved between a couple different departments during the day because I was flexible enough to learn different jobs, I worked machining parts and there was a posted number of parts to be made each hour.

The management thought we needed some efficiency improvement so they brought in a supervisor from one of there other plants to fine tune us.

Well he didn't have anything good to say about any of us, everyone had faults no one liked to see him come into their section.  One day he follows me into the restroom and he tells me "you work too slow".  I was a bit taken aback by him needing to follow me into the restroom and be so blunt but I calmly told him "I meet or exceed all of the required cycle times.".  To which he replied "Well the cycle times are obviously too low.".

One area I worked required me to keep parts moving through a series of milling machines.  There would be times when all the machines were full and all I had to do was wait for a machine to finish, so for a couple of minutes I would sit on a stool and wait.  He came to me once and said I shouldn't be sitting,  I don't recall exactly what I said but it would have been something like "standing won't make the machines run any faster.".

Eventually it came time for him to give his quarterly worker reviews for pay raises etc.  I heard he hadn't given anyone a good review so I wasn't expecting much when it came my turn.  When he called me in he told me I had been doing a good job and that I was the only one he was giving a good review.  That was a surprise!

A friend worked in a different business and it was bad, the boss was always right and knew how things should be done, even when they didn't and when things went wrong it wasn't his fault either.  The people who knew how to do it right just had to do their jobs and make it work.

So the point of all that is to say is you can't be wrapped up in what the boss is bitching about, unless he really has a point. You have a job to do and if you are doing it correctly that is all that matters.  You are responsible for your actions alone.  You have to accept the bosses personality for what it is, pay attention to what is important and completing the task he expects but if it's not possible to do it then that's all that can be done.  There is the nice little poster, "Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.".

You have said he doesn't like to train new people, that means you have a little leverage.  Learn hiss personality, sometimes you can make people see reason or come around to a different way of thinking not by telling them why you don't think it will not work, but rather by asking questions that will lead them down a road to where they change their own mind.  Don't be rude, speak calmly and don't be a doormat.

Hope there is something here that helps.

[seemsright]

Pack your desk today, walk out.

That will do two things, make you feel powerful, and that you are taking a step in the direction you dream of.

Do not stay one more day.

Believe in your system. You have FU money...USE IT!

[Freedomin5]

A lot of what you wrote concerned me, and I agree you should try to get out of your situation, but this phrase concerned me a lot:

I’m entering middle age and discovering that I sleep-walked into the exact life I didn’t want for myself

If you haven’t read the book Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans, I highly recommend it. Website linked to the book is: https://designingyour.life/

It’s all about helping you get out of a rut, determining what your values are, and figuring out how to design and live a life that is aligned to your values.

[jeninco]

Pack your desk today, walk out.

That will do two things, make you feel powerful, and that you are taking a step in the direction you dream of.

Do not stay one more day.

Believe in your system. You have FU money...USE IT!

This. Also, head on over to askamanager.org and have a read, both about how to find your next job (there's plenty of resume-writing and job-hunting advice) and also how to leave this one. And loads of tales from people who started out in exactly your position.

Seriously, leave. These kinds of situations (especially if it's your first real job) seriously warp your expectations of what a professional workplace should be like.

[Metalcat]

I have nothing to say other than to pile on and tell you to quit.

You can't think your way through this because your brain won't work properly until you are out of your abusive situation.

This is one of the rare times where virtually everyone here will say the same thing. If in were you, I wouldn't stay in that job with a gun to my head, I would risk the bullet because you have a better chance of being happy and healthy being shot in the head that you do staying in that job.

[the_hobbitish]

You've already gotten some great advice, so consider this me chiming in to agree and say you are not alone in this experience.

I was in a similar situation - burned out and dealing with people that had multiple complaints filed against them by me and several other coworkers. My mental health was suffering. I also felt stuck with a specific skillset and no network.

I took a month of leave, got a trauma therapist, and applied to a bunch of jobs. I expect to get an offer to apprentice in horticulture at a really cool site. It is nothing like the data analysis I was doing before. Turns out they need a data person and will teach me the plant side. If it works out this will be my coast job (or the first of many) for about 10 years until my investments hit the right amount. I did a lot of number crunching to get comfortable with the idea that coast fire would work for me. I might go back to a corporate job at some point, but at least I know I can take time to find something if that's what I want.

It is great that you're already in therapy. Step 2 is get out of the burning building that is that job. Take medical time like others have suggested if you can. Give yourself a week or two to decompress. Then crunch your numbers. You don't have to find the perfect next job immediately. The important thing is to get out of the bad situation you're in.

[Villanelle]

I'd quit, and I'd consider giving my resignation to the one-up boss, and explaining, in detail, exactly why you are quitting.  I wouldn't do it in a "fuck this place" way, so as not to burn the bridge, but to inform him of what was going on, if I thought they were unaware and it might make a difference after I was gone.  This is entirely optional and depends on the nature of the offenses, as well as if I thought they were unaware, and might care.

Alternatively, I'd consult an employment lawyer to see if any laws were broken and if that was actionable.

[use2betrix]

I would consider checking out, “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,” for some life advice! :-)

[G-dog]

Pack your desk today, walk out.

That will do two things, make you feel powerful, and that you are taking a step in the direction you dream of.

Do not stay one more day.

Believe in your system. You have FU money...USE IT!

This. Also, head on over to askamanager.org and have a read, both about how to find your next job (there's plenty of resume-writing and job-hunting advice) and also how to leave this one. And loads of tales from people who started out in exactly your position.

Seriously, leave. These kinds of situations (especially if it's your first real job) seriously warp your expectations of what a professional workplace should be like.

Definitely read ask the manager’s site about writing your resume and cover letter. She would also support you quitting this job (and so say all of us). 

This may be typical (bad boss), but it’s not normal.

[Ford Prefect]

Thank you all so much for your advice, I am deeply touched by your generosity in giving your time and attention!

I'm convinced it's the right thing to do, and I'm going to do it. My boss is traveling right now, so I won't have to deal with him at all for the next two weeks. That'll give me a little launch pad to keep getting a paycheck and health insurance while I see if my doctor will endorse medical leave, brainstorm some travel ideas to get back into nature, and some out-of-the-box jobs I could do as a next step. Like Laura33 says, this environment has done a number on my self-esteem and perspective, and I listened to the "this is how it has to be" voice for too long, and that's just not true. There's a ton of jobs and industries I've never tried. I would love to do gardening work or a small family shop, like JAYSLOL says. After submitting a job application to the Parks dept yesterday, I signed on to volunteer on the weekend. Might as well dig in and try new stuff, I figure!

I wish I could respond to everyone individually at the moment, but I will update as soon as I can. And I'll check out  WOOF, Ask A Manager, and Designing Your Life, too thank you for the recommendations!

Thank you so much for lending me your courage, everyone! :)

[G-dog]

@Ford Prefect - assuming you are in the U.S. and have health insurance through your employer, working one day in the month should extend your insurance through the end of that month.  You can also extend your tenure by taking all your vacation / sick leave time at the end.  I am pretty sure I am right, however trust but verify.

Good luck. So glad you are doing this for yourself.

[FLBiker]

Awesome that you're making this decision -- I really feel like having a bad boss is non-negotiable.  For me, nothing impacts the quality of my work-life as much as my direct supervisor.  Whenever I haven't had a good one, I've either quit or moved departments.

One other "hard reset" idea I wanted to through out there -- if you have a bachelor's degree and a US passport, you can teach English in a lot of places around the world.  It can be a great way to leave a bad situation and try something totally new while not having to spend any money.  In lots of countries, it's easy to save money, and in some countries (especially the Middle East) you can make a lot of money.  In the 2000s, I taught for 5 years in Taiwan and 1 in China, and I know lots of folks who taught in other places throughout Asia.  In Taiwan, I probably saved ~$10K a year, even though I was only making ~$25K.  And I saved that despite eating every lunch and dinner at restaurants and taking lots of trips.

Feel free to DM me if you have any questions (with the caveat that my intel will be dated). 

[JupiterGreen]

Excellent. Since you are in a HCOL area, perhaps you could rent out your place during your "nature break" elsewhere and possibly make some money. You might also look at doing a stint in the Peace Corp which can open up other opportunities once complete.

[Loren Ver]

Good choice.  Lots of people on here and in real life have made major transitions, that's how life works :).

My DH went from teaching middle school in a toxic environment, to data entry (which turned toxic), to being a cell culture technician at a pharmaceutical company (which was a healthy supportive environment), with some random jobs in between. 

Now designing the life you want can begin, what fun!

Loren

[JAYSLOL]

I love the idea of volunteering for the Parks Department to have a go at something new, you may find jumping in with a new crowd doing new work will lead you to opportunities for work you enjoy, let us know how it goes.  For the financial side of things, your mental health is number one, so I don’t want you to go to any extremes that cause you to stress about being extra frugal going into this transition, but it’s definitely a good time to reasonably reduce any unnecessary spending so you can take as long as you need to without dipping too hard into your savings.  Again, very much secondary to your health and happiness going forward. 

[Steeze]

I have always been under the opinion that worst case scenario I can mow lawns.

When your expenses are low, like <$40k/yr, then you don't even need FU money. You just need an FU attitude and a lawn mower.

It is VERY easy to make $20/hr doing all sorts of things that require no skill and no experience. Makes that emergency fund last almost forever.

[Metalcat]

I have always been under the opinion that worst case scenario I can mow lawns.

When your expenses are low, like <$40k/yr, then you don't even need FU money. You just need an FU attitude and a lawn mower.

It is VERY easy to make $20/hr doing all sorts of things that require no skill and no experience. Makes that emergency fund last almost forever.

This is so so true.

If you are amenable to the idea of making some money doing easy and/or fun work, the world of possibilities becomes absolutely ENORMOUS.

I see my entire 'stache as one giant emergency fund because we have low expenses and like to work at least part time. Granted, I'm retraining in a skill that pays over $100/hr and doesn't require me to be able bodied to do it, but still, in the meantime, it's been incredibly easy to find fun, flexible part-time student jobs that pay $30-40/hr.

[Dicey]

I knew of a guy who got laid off from a high-stress tech job. He bought some paint and stencils, printed up flyers and earned money by stenciling house numbers on people's curbs. He rode his bike to "work" and loved it. This obviously not going to work where you are right now, but as Metalcat always says, there are plenty of opportunities to make money out there.  GTFO

[314159]

Congrats on your decision OP, I'm very happy for you!

Definitely take the opportunity to de-stress. If you're looking for a little bit of inspiration for what might come next, here are 2 MMM articles that might be of interest:
50 jobs over $50,000 without a degree part 1
50 jobs over $50,000 without a degree part 2

[rockeTree]

Congrats Ford Prefect! Extract what you can from that dumb gig on your way out the door and be free 💛💛💛

This is going to be the beginning of much better days for you, I have no doubt at all.

[Shuchong]

A lot of what you wrote concerned me, and I agree you should try to get out of your situation, but this phrase concerned me a lot:

I’m entering middle age and discovering that I sleep-walked into the exact life I didn’t want for myself

If you haven’t read the book Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans, I highly recommend it. Website linked to the book is: https://designingyour.life/

It’s all about helping you get out of a rut, determining what your values are, and figuring out how to design and live a life that is aligned to your values.

Seconding this recommendation!  It's such a helpful book -- it makes you excited about possibilities and is all about getting "unstuck."  If you're more of a Youtube/visual person, the authors also have also given talks that you can find on Youtube and listen to.

[JupiterGreen]

A lot of what you wrote concerned me, and I agree you should try to get out of your situation, but this phrase concerned me a lot:

I’m entering middle age and discovering that I sleep-walked into the exact life I didn’t want for myself

If you haven’t read the book Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans, I highly recommend it. Website linked to the book is: https://designingyour.life/

It’s all about helping you get out of a rut, determining what your values are, and figuring out how to design and live a life that is aligned to your values.

I'm reading this now based on your recommendation. My evaluation of a good self help book is one where I pick up any new information (it is so rare since they are often re-hashing similar ideas) and I already have picked up some new strategies. So I would rate this as a good book even though I haven't finished it yet (or engaged in all the worksheets yet).

[eyesonthehorizon]

... I’ve been applying to jobs, but to be honest, I feel mentally burnt out and the idea of jumping immediately into something new in the same field (which I don’t want to do anymore and where I’m most likely to land something) is overwhelming. At the same time, quitting with nothing lined up makes me terribly anxious—another long stretch of barely making ends meet is not something I want to go through again. In theory, this is what my emergency savings is for (being burnt out from years spent in a stressful, abusive work environment probably qualifies, right?). I don’t want to be an assistant anymore, I want to do something totally different. I don’t know what, but years spent trying to think my way to an answer clearly isn’t working. I think I might have to just try different things until something fits. But what, and how do I pay the bills while I do that? ...

Ohhh, can I ever relate. We're around the same age based on graduation (oh gosh, we really are hitting middle age, aren't we?) & both had recession-era un/deremployment for years with mid-five-figure debt. I wonder sometimes why we don't see more people express Great Recession-related issues here because the expectations of us in school were so misaligned with the employment horizon we washed up on. I worry that perhaps most of those of us with experiences like ours self-selected out of the FIRE pool - being unable to find remunerative work for years will really do a number on your self-efficacy, even without accommodating a social terrorist eight hours a day for years on end. You've already completed one gauntlet & have been pushing through a second. You deserved much better, just to state the obvious, but you're clearly strong enough to go find it.

In 2016 I was working for a bad boss - not equal to yours, & I only had to deal with mine one-on-one once a week, but there was low-effort abuse occurring, gaslighting & threats - but I had saved every cent & was gathering myself to leave without a net. Fortunately I found myself poached elsewhere. I also almost quit my breakneck job (despite almost universally wonderful coworkers) circa 2020 due to severe burnout, & also backed away due to the situation around the pandemic & some personal circumstances. I've had a minor respite since but haven't recovered from the burnout & know on a deep level that I need to leave. I could have written the above paragraph.

So imagine my thrill to see your update, what fantastic news!! Your therapist being on your side will hopefully help you secure a paid leave of absence away from your boss to breathe & plan, but best of luck in your escape, whatever the leave determination. The Parks Dept volunteering role may be able to put you in touch with lots of people who were driven to work out in the field if you make it known you're looking.

Coming from an HCOL area, too, most of the country & the world cost much less to spend time, an emergency fund of that size could put you up for years or decades before working again depending on how far you're willing to go. I really identify with the pull to go where your people are, though. Have you had friends from home or school move away? Where did they go? Could they help connect you in a new place, even temporarily, for a break of a season or two? Did any of them take work in the outdoor-oriented fields you're drawn to? Those may be good connections to tap!

I look forward to your promised updates. At least in part, I'm most likely to be following suit this year too. This community really is about good living more than money & a great wellspring of ideas. The pre-FIRE checklist is worth a review even if you expect to be working again before long, IMO.

[Freedomin5]

Awesome that you're making this decision -- I really feel like having a bad boss is non-negotiable.  For me, nothing impacts the quality of my work-life as much as my direct supervisor.  Whenever I haven't had a good one, I've either quit or moved departments.

One other "hard reset" idea I wanted to through out there -- if you have a bachelor's degree and a US passport, you can teach English in a lot of places around the world.  It can be a great way to leave a bad situation and try something totally new while not having to spend any money.  In lots of countries, it's easy to save money, and in some countries (especially the Middle East) you can make a lot of money.  In the 2000s, I taught for 5 years in Taiwan and 1 in China, and I know lots of folks who taught in other places throughout Asia.  In Taiwan, I probably saved ~$10K a year, even though I was only making ~$25K.  And I saved that despite eating every lunch and dinner at restaurants and taking lots of trips.

Feel free to DM me if you have any questions (with the caveat that my intel will be dated).

Oh yes. This is true. I just checked some of the “teaching jobs in China” groups that I’m a part of, and we are currently looking at USD$3600 to $5100 a month ($43k to $61k) a year PLUS benefits — international roundtrip airfare, health insurance, 3 months paid holiday, housing. Some even include free meals (lunch).

It sounds about right. That’s about how much DH is making. Cost of living is so low you can easily save USD$50k a year if you’re Mustachian.

For some reason, like, no one wants to come to China right now 🤷🏻‍♀️

[ysette9]

Awesome that you're making this decision -- I really feel like having a bad boss is non-negotiable.  For me, nothing impacts the quality of my work-life as much as my direct supervisor.  Whenever I haven't had a good one, I've either quit or moved departments.

One other "hard reset" idea I wanted to through out there -- if you have a bachelor's degree and a US passport, you can teach English in a lot of places around the world.  It can be a great way to leave a bad situation and try something totally new while not having to spend any money.  In lots of countries, it's easy to save money, and in some countries (especially the Middle East) you can make a lot of money.  In the 2000s, I taught for 5 years in Taiwan and 1 in China, and I know lots of folks who taught in other places throughout Asia.  In Taiwan, I probably saved ~$10K a year, even though I was only making ~$25K.  And I saved that despite eating every lunch and dinner at restaurants and taking lots of trips.

Feel free to DM me if you have any questions (with the caveat that my intel will be dated).

Oh yes. This is true. I just checked some of the “teaching jobs in China” groups that I’m a part of, and we are currently looking at USD$3600 to $5100 a month ($43k to $61k) a year PLUS benefits — international roundtrip airfare, health insurance, 3 months paid holiday, housing. Some even include free meals (lunch).

It sounds about right. That’s about how much DH is making. Cost of living is so low you can easily save USD$50k a year if you’re Mustachian.

For some reason, like, no one wants to come to China right now

What kind of qualifications do you need for these jobs? Do you have to design curricula or are you implementing something that is existing already?

[Zamboni]

Ford Perfect, I'm really happy to read you are getting out and away from that terrible boss!

Definitely don't let him talk you into staying if he sees the chance to try to do that. And if there is some final conversation and he is negative or insulting or threatening or demeaning, well that says a lot about him and means absolutely nothing about you, so let it all roll off of your back.

One book that really helped me was the classic called Your Money or Your Life. It is helpful because it frames every hour as "life energy." You needed this job to get a solid employment history, which you now have. You are the magical "2+ years" of being in the working world, which means you are no longer only qualified for an "entry level" job. So, please do stay strong about moving on and don't spend any more of your life energy in this crappy employment situation. There are way, way, waaaay better ways to spend your life energy.

[Freedomin5]

Awesome that you're making this decision -- I really feel like having a bad boss is non-negotiable.  For me, nothing impacts the quality of my work-life as much as my direct supervisor.  Whenever I haven't had a good one, I've either quit or moved departments.

One other "hard reset" idea I wanted to through out there -- if you have a bachelor's degree and a US passport, you can teach English in a lot of places around the world.  It can be a great way to leave a bad situation and try something totally new while not having to spend any money.  In lots of countries, it's easy to save money, and in some countries (especially the Middle East) you can make a lot of money.  In the 2000s, I taught for 5 years in Taiwan and 1 in China, and I know lots of folks who taught in other places throughout Asia.  In Taiwan, I probably saved ~$10K a year, even though I was only making ~$25K.  And I saved that despite eating every lunch and dinner at restaurants and taking lots of trips.

Feel free to DM me if you have any questions (with the caveat that my intel will be dated).

Oh yes. This is true. I just checked some of the “teaching jobs in China” groups that I’m a part of, and we are currently looking at USD$3600 to $5100 a month ($43k to $61k) a year PLUS benefits — international roundtrip airfare, health insurance, 3 months paid holiday, housing. Some even include free meals (lunch).

It sounds about right. That’s about how much DH is making. Cost of living is so low you can easily save USD$50k a year if you’re Mustachian.

For some reason, like, no one wants to come to China right now

What kind of qualifications do you need for these jobs? Do you have to design curricula or are you implementing something that is existing already?

Native English speaker with a bachelors degree and 1-2 years work experience - typically one year if you will be working in a 2nd or 3rd tier city and two years if you want to be in a 1st tier city like Beijing or Shanghai. Curricula is provided though you may need to design lessons.

[Miss Piggy]

Already lots of great ideas here. I'll add another idea: perhaps look into a role as a "virtual assistant."

[RetireOrDieTrying]

Don't burn your psyche down until there's nothing left. Once you do, there's a real possibility that you will never fully recover. It sounds to my untrained ear like you are rapidly approaching that point. ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!

Sit quietly and imagine that you are without a job and without a home. You're making a list of things you could do or would like to do, and where those things might geographically be. Don't discount anything just yet.

What you do, and where you do it, should be completely on the table. If you're in a miserable job in a stupidly expensive city, then consider changing more than one of those.

Life is precious and fleeting. Being miserable is throwing away the most valuable gift anyone has ever gotten - the sands of time in your hourglass. When you have reached the point of "damn the torpedoes - no more of this!" then adjust your sails for the winds of change.

What have you got to lose, except literally your own misery?

[Ford Prefect]

I'd love to hear more ideas about fun/easy $20/hour work, @Metalcat! I'm not too proud to try whatever! I looked at the two lists from the main blog and wrote down a few to think about. I'm great at saving money, but not so much at knowing all the ways a person can earn it, haha.

You are absolutely right, @RetireOrDieTrying. I think I've been denying this truth for far too long. To be honest, I often have a difficult time taking charge of my own life, and I think that's how I ended up in this circumstance. The life I want to live isn't going to magically occur to me, I need to take action until I create it. It's a little embarrassing that I'm only finally "growing up" about this in my mid/late 30s, but I guess better late than never. The second best time to plant a tree, right?

Speaking of trees, the volunteering at the park last week went great! Met an interesting crew of people, and when I mentioned I thought it would be cool to work for the Parks Dept, the lady who organized it said she knew of some open positions at a local non-profit that helps preserve the parks. Lo and behold, one of the positions was something I think I could qualify for, so I applied! Who knows if I'll get an interview, but a lead's a lead.

I also reached out to an acquaintance who I recently found out works in audio production with her SO. I have a lot of skills in that field (music has been a lifelong hobby/aspiration) but I never really figured out how one finds work in it, so I asked if I could take them to lunch and ask about their experiences. And they said yes!

The awful boss is still traveling, so work life has been calm and quiet. I'm using this time to organize job ideas and resources into a Google doc and have a spreadsheet going of job's I've applied to.

Again, I cannot thank you enough for supporting me. I wish I could express how much it means to me. I will update soon!

[Metalcat]

I'd love to hear more ideas about fun/easy $20/hour work, @Metalcat! I'm not too proud to try whatever! I looked at the two lists from the main blog and wrote down a few to think about. I'm great at saving money, but not so much at knowing all the ways a person can earn it, haha.

This is a learnable skill.

Also, no hits to the price needed. There are literally tons of great paying jobs out there.

Also, I'm not sure where you are but I have a job alert for remote work all over the US and Canada with no specific criteria other than that it's remote, so daily I get a general inventory of what the job market is looking like.

Even the most basic skill jobs right now are over $30/hr.

You could start a thread here about job hunting and get a lot of good advice. There are also tons of online resources to teach you how to find good jobs or create consulting opportunities, whatever floats your boat.

But yeah, it really shouldn't be hard to either find or skill up to something that pays $30-50/hr.

[eyesonthehorizon]

... I think I've been denying this truth for far too long. To be honest, I often have a difficult time taking charge of my own life, and I think that's how I ended up in this circumstance. The life I want to live isn't going to magically occur to me, I need to take action until I create it. It's a little embarrassing that I'm only finally "growing up" about this in my mid/late 30s, but I guess better late than never. ...

Similar boat. For various reasons it's possible to feel like you were only actually handed the keys to your own life decades into it, & assessing the road ahead from the driver's seat is then something of a new skill. It's especially strange to realize where you've been sleepwalking when in other facets of life building a strategic plan for the long-term - like FIRE - seemed so natural. Sending moral support!

...Also, I'm not sure where you are but I have a job alert for remote work all over the US and Canada with no specific criteria other than that it's remote, so daily I get a general inventory of what the job market is looking like.

...But yeah, it really shouldn't be hard to either find or skill up to something that pays $30-50/hr.

I ran some searches across the US & Canada just using Google that showed a lot of options in the $20/hr range, though the $30+ generally seem to be certificate-holder positions, teaching, etc. Definitely worth exploring for a reskill. Did you have a preferred search utility? I think I take psychological comfort from just knowing those jobs exist.

Interesting to me was the number of jobs that involved running chat support or compiling reports for companies which, when I looked into them, claimed to their investors/ in press releases they were using bots for what appears to be the same task. I've heard rumors of similar concealed human labor in digital assistants, but it's fascinating to see the levels of middlemen involved in convincing people they have the most competitive technology available (presumably for a staggering markup.)

[Ford Prefect]

... I think I've been denying this truth for far too long. To be honest, I often have a difficult time taking charge of my own life, and I think that's how I ended up in this circumstance. The life I want to live isn't going to magically occur to me, I need to take action until I create it. It's a little embarrassing that I'm only finally "growing up" about this in my mid/late 30s, but I guess better late than never. ...

Similar boat. For various reasons it's possible to feel like you were only actually handed the keys to your own life decades into it, & assessing the road ahead from the driver's seat is then something of a new skill. It's especially strange to realize where you've been sleepwalking when in other facets of life building a strategic plan for the long-term - like FIRE - seemed so natural. Sending moral support!

Thank you for the support! My peer group is full of people with proper careers who take regular vacations and have new experiences, are getting married and having kids, etc. In the instinctual, human process of comparing myself to my community, I'm starting to feel a lot of FOMO. I'm glad that I buckled down and got rid of my debt and gave myself a solid financial platform, but now I want to live, dammit!

I find it helpful that you're reframing it as facets of our lives we sleepwalk through. It's true, I have done other things with intention and had goals that I met. 

...Also, I'm not sure where you are but I have a job alert for remote work all over the US and Canada with no specific criteria other than that it's remote, so daily I get a general inventory of what the job market is looking like.

...But yeah, it really shouldn't be hard to either find or skill up to something that pays $30-50/hr.

I ran some searches across the US & Canada just using Google that showed a lot of options in the $20/hr range, though the $30+ generally seem to be certificate-holder positions, teaching, etc. Definitely worth exploring for a reskill. Did you have a preferred search utility? I think I take psychological comfort from just knowing those jobs exist.

Interesting to me was the number of jobs that involved running chat support or compiling reports for companies which, when I looked into them, claimed to their investors/ in press releases they were using bots for what appears to be the same task. I've heard rumors of similar concealed human labor in digital assistants, but it's fascinating to see the levels of middlemen involved in convincing people they have the most competitive technology available (presumably for a staggering markup.)

I'm in the US and I've also found that most of the $30/hr+ jobs require additional certification, schooling, training, etc. Which I'm not against doing--I want to grow and learn--just noting that they don't seem to be things I can jump right into, at least the listings I'm finding. Metalcat, would you mind sharing what job alerts you use for remote work?

Great news, though: I had a job interview for the city park non-profit job I mentioned in my last post! It went well and they said they thought I'd be a great fit and are going to send me specific details on salary and benefits this week. It'll likely pay a bit less than what I make now, but absolutely worth the peace of mind.

While my gut is telling me that I just need to take time off of work, period, at least for a couple months, my brain is telling me not to pass up the opportunity to have something lined up, especially for what sounds like a cool work environment doing meaningful (if humble) work with nice people. They asked when I could start, and I told them that ideally I'd have a few weeks between jobs to decompress and travel, and they seemed understanding of that. My fantasy of what I want to do next is to bounce around the country/globe not tied to an apartment lease or a full-time job for a while. I've spent all of my adulthood in survival mode, it's really hitting me at 38 years old how short life is and how little of the world I've seen. I've lived in the same city for over 15 years, and have never lived anywhere (including college) outside its 50 mile radius.

I have no experience doing anything like this though, I barely know the basics of it though I'm trying to learn by googling other people's travel experiences. It feels like a massive task with a lot of unknowns, but life is about taking on challenges and experiences, so maybe in a sense that's a good thing. I don't know, maybe it's best to start small with the WWOOF thing.

Sorry, just trying to get my thoughts about it out!

[Zamboni]

Congrats on a positive response from the city parks job. That sounds like a great change!

Go see somewhere you've always wanted to go. Belize? Yellowstone? The Alps? Japan? Explore away online. They say that planning a trip is as fun and de-stressing as actually going on the trip. I had a friend just go on a small group bicycle tour of India. He joined a tour group of people he didn't know and went solo. Everyone was friendly and they all embraced him in a kind way. That's not the trip I would go on personally, but he had a great time! There are travel agencies that specialize in small groups for single people, or groups of all ladies, etc. as well if you don't want to just go it alone. Some people are cool going alone, while others want company, but either way you'll find something that fits in terms of some exploration travel.