Author Topic: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?  (Read 2922 times)

joe189man

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DW and i are nearing our 40's and have two young kids almost ready for school, we both work full time at demanding jobs, so we have no time for anything really.

My parents are nearly retired, but not financially ready to retire with much beyond social security. MY MIL is also close to retirement but has no interest in moving from her current house.

Has anyone in a similar situation had their parents or in-laws move in and live with them long term? My thought would be that they would like to help out with the kids from time to time, they have expressed interest to me in co-habitating.

My wife likes her space and may hate this. If anyone has tried something similar, how did it go? Any advice on the concept?

what if we buy a 6,000+ sf house with "space" or a MIL suite, or second kitchen so everyone has privacy?

Is it better to look for a smaller house close by and help them with the purchase/upkeep? This option seems difficult in our area from a cost feasibility perspective...

this seems crazy but with our kids needs' either DW or I will need to take a step back to manage kids and school and life or we get a nanny, or my parents can help?

MayDay

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2020, 09:47:34 AM »
I would love to do this under some specific circumstances.

1. Seperate dwelling very nearby, either a house/condo or an assesssory dwelling in our yard. We have a 55+ condo building that our house backs up to do that would be ideal. Literally a 2 minute walk.

2. House with seperate in law suite that had their own bedroom, bathroom, kitchenette, etc. I know myself and I couldn't stand having shared everything. I would need that seperation. I think you could achieve that with a newer house as it is a new trend to do two owners suites. A large master bedroom and bathroom could likely be adapted into a small apartment.

Just straight up shared space, though, is a no for me. My h and kids drive me nuts enough, I don't need more people driving me nuts!

Cranky

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2020, 09:59:40 AM »
We are actually in the process of doing this - we close on a house next week that we are buying with my daughter and her family.

We discussed this for several years, and my son-in-law had absolute veto power because I fully understand that not everyone wants to live with the in-laws, but he is all in. We all really do get along well and have done quite a bit of traveling together. I was fine with just buying a condo nearby.

The house we are buying is about 3000 square ft, which is quite a bit more than the combined space we've got now. We talked to a real estate agent this summer and went through a bunch of houses and talked about what we liked and didn't like, and what will work for us, and saw several that seemed to be what we were looking for. The house we are buying has multiple living/family rooms, a workshop, two bedrooms on the main floor and two bedrooms on the top floor, so there can be some division of space. It's got a really big yard, because son-in-law and I are keen gardeners.

We get a lot more house this way, and dh and I expect to provide childcare and do laundry, etc.

We did talk to a lawyer about how to set this all up, btw. I'm really looking forward to it!



Fishindude

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2020, 10:28:58 AM »
Good way to cause some serious family problems.
Only way I would attempt this if there were completely separate living quarters such as a guest house or attached suite, and I still probably wouldn't do it then.

Would much rather help a family member move into their own place somewhere nearby where we could check on them regularly.

IslandFiGirl

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2020, 10:32:45 AM »
I'm a lot like your wife and like my space and would have a very hard time living with parents or in-laws.  Some things to think about...have y'all lived together before?  Do you know already that you would get along well?  Would you be 100% financially supporting them?  Will you be financially supporting them FOREVER?  You're nearly in your 40's...that could be a very very long time, and if it doesn't work out, it will be much harder to extract yourself from this if you don't like it.  You mention childcare for your kids, will your parents be full time daycare for you?  What happens if they get sick?  Or want to go on vacation?  Or just plain don't like taking care of the kids?  Or...you don't like how they interact with the kids.  (My mom had a tendency to take over and do whatever she wanted with mine...including NOT watching my daughter in a pool, causing her to almost drown.)  Not saying your mom is like mine, but it's something to be mindful of.  Totally not trying to give you a hard time, but before you really consider this, you should at the very least be on the same page as your wife, and consider all the variables and if this is truly a good situation for your family.  Ask yourself why you're considering doing it?  Are you parents desperate and need help with money?  Do you desperately need childcare?  It may seem on the surface that living together could easily solve those problems, but you may be creating new ones that you hadn't thought of.  Either way you go, I wish you luck. 

Oh...one last thing to think about.  If your parents contribute to the purchase of the house financially, and they end up needing medicaid, they may run into issues with that.  Be careful mixing your money with theirs, it may affect their ability to qualify for medicaid.

I nearly had to deal with this situation, albeit a little differently.  My Dad died and my mom wasn't in great health.  She was living alone several states away and kept hinting that she wanted to move to my state.  We didn't have a great relationship, and I knew I'd jump off a bridge if I had to live in the same house as her.  She eventually got so sick that she ended up in the hospital and while she was bouncing back between the hospital and a rehab several times she brought up the idea of living with me.  I know it sounds very cold hearted, but I honestly told her that I couldn't do everything she needed me to do-she needed 24 hour care.  I could have never handled that with a 60 hour a week job and 3 kids to raise as a single mom.  She ending up passing away just as I was arranging for her to move into an assisted living place in her town.

E.T.

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2020, 10:41:43 AM »
I bought a house with this in mind, it's a townhouse that's about 2600 sq ft. I looked for something that had a bedroom suite on the ground floor and we've converted some of the hall closet space on that level to accommodate a fridge, toaster oven, and microwave. Eventually we'll finish out the mini kitchen with a sink at least. It means less closet space at the entry but it's much more functional for my family member since she now has almost a whole mini apartment on the ground floor. We got lucky and this one has a sunroom attached to the bedroom, so there's space for a couch / mini living room. It will be perfect for grandparents once the family member who's currently there wants to move on.

It definitely makes it easier to feel like you have your own space if the person living with you has their own floor with kitchen basics. In my area I saw similar houses with a basement apartment type set up but I preferred something with a ground floor suite in case stairs become a problem for grandparents later.

Steeze

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2020, 10:43:57 AM »
DW and I are planning on doing this -

FIL has a mandatory "Together but Separate" policy. He does not want to be in a shared home. An In-Law suite would be OK, be he would prefer a house within a short walk. He has enough cash to buy / build a home if he wants.

My parents are also of retirement age, but have nothing but SS. They want to cohabit if possible.

DW is OK with one giant house, I am not.

My solution to this is to build / buy a triplex (or larger multifamily) or buy a nice piece of land, subdivide, and build multiple homes adjacent.

Lately I have been considering (2) 2b/1ba units on the first floor w/ (1) 3bd/2.5ba unit above + a large detached garage / workshop / pole barn. Building is expensive though, and it is hard to find 'the perfect place' that everyone likes. Mostly because I like winter sports and everyone else hates winter!

researcher1

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2020, 10:47:14 AM »
DW and i are nearing our 40's and have two young kids almost ready for school, we both work full time at demanding jobs, so we have no time for anything really.

My parents are nearly retired, but not financially ready to retire with much beyond social security.
My thought would be that they would like to help out with the kids from time to time.
what if we buy a 6,000+ sf house with "space"

My wife likes her space and may hate this.
This sounds like a horrible idea.

First off, what does your wife think about this?  I'm guessing you haven't even asked her, since you state that she "may hate this."
I think you already know the answer (yes, she will hate it), since you are asking a bunch of internet strangers instead of your wife.

Secondly, it doesn't appear your parents are financially independent, which means they are likely to be dependent on you/your wife if they "move in and live with you long term."

Third, a 6,000 sq/ft house!  That is completely absurd for a family of 6. 
Have you estimated how much such a house would cost in terms of mortgage, taxes, insurance, maintenance, cleaning, ect?
You will also have to find a house set up for elderly...one floor living, no steps, wide hallways, ect.

Lastly, it sounds like you want your aging parents to become babysitters and nannies, since you "have no time for anything."
What if they don't want to spend their days watching your kids and cleaning the house?  What if they are physically unable to?

socaso

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2020, 10:51:04 AM »
I wouldn't do this in a shared house. I'd consider it in a situation with completely separate living quarters. Some things I would consider: a duplex, two houses on a lot or side by side. A house with a basement, attic or over garage apartment. A house with a backyard "carriage house" or MIL suite. For that last option, there are lots of small prefab houses on the market now so provided your zoning allows for it this could give a lot of flexibility about location.

My sibling lives a mile from our parents and that has worked out great for childcare help.

Cassie

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2020, 11:03:04 AM »
Sounds like a horrible idea. If your parents are lacking money they can apply for low income senior apartments. The last thing I want to do in retirement is provide childcare and clean a big house. Sounds like a great way to ruin a good relationship.

trollwithamustache

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2020, 11:15:32 AM »
Every woman should have her own freestanding house.  My personal preference would be to have multiple residences between myself and an in-law but a minimum a house per adult women is minimum. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can get everyone to get along.

Blue Skies

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2020, 11:36:29 AM »
I love my parents.  We get along great.  They have stayed with us for up to 6 weeks at a time.  I could not fathom sharing my house with them permanently.

I would love to live VERY CLOSE to them.  But not WITH them.  I could envision a duplex, or even a house with a small MIL suite being just fine.  As long as they would have their own living room and kitchen or kitchenette I think it would work.  I would even envision eating together for most meals, and hanging out in the evenings.  They would still need their own kitchen/living room for all of our peace of mind.  The alternative means your only escape is your bedroom, and that becomes uncomfortable after a while.

chemistk

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2020, 11:45:53 AM »
I love my parents.  We get along great.  They have stayed with us for up to 6 weeks at a time.  I could not fathom sharing my house with them permanently.

I would love to live VERY CLOSE to them.  But not WITH them.  I could envision a duplex, or even a house with a small MIL suite being just fine.  As long as they would have their own living room and kitchen or kitchenette I think it would work.  I would even envision eating together for most meals, and hanging out in the evenings.  They would still need their own kitchen/living room for all of our peace of mind.  The alternative means your only escape is your bedroom, and that becomes uncomfortable after a while.

This.

In 2016, the townhouse we rent flooded (long story, not our fault) and we chose to continue our lease because we enjoyed the location quite a bit and rents in the area jumped shortly after we signed our lease. Plus, we had just moved in 4 months prior so not moving was high on our priority list.

Our insurance put us up in a hotel for about 4 weeks, and then the money that our policy allowed dried up so we moved in with my in-laws for about 2.5 months.

I get along wonderfully with my in-laws, and my wife gets along very will with my parents. It's a great set of relationships.

I also would not want to do it long term.

Unless both parties are in near-total agreement on just about everything when it comes to how a household is run and how children are raised, there will be inevitable disagreements. Neither of you will have space to yourself and you'll always feel like you're stepping on others' toes. If you like to walk around in your underwear late at night (or your parents do), you'll always be worried that someone else is up.

The only other way it works out well long term is if one half of the two sides (your and your spouse, or your parents/in-laws) is so laid-back that nothing ever becomes a real problem.

I'd gladly live on the same property in a separate dwelling as my parents or my in-laws. I've envisioned having an acre or two (ore more) and having two structures - one for us and one for whichever of our parents is living with us.

Living with our parents, by choice, when other options exist, for an undetermined amount of time just sounds crazy. I know this is the suburbanite American in me talking, and that for so many other cultures multigenerational living is the norm, but I just don't think it suits us opinionated, stubborn, sensitive Americans nearly as well as the rest of the world.

CNM

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2020, 11:46:21 AM »
Personally, this arrangement would probably drive me nuts.  I love my parents, but they tend to keep odd hours , ie. watching TV until very late at night, and my mom is hard of hearing so music or any audio is on very loud.

What has worked out well is that we live close to each other and we visit often.  My parents will also voluntarily babysit, either at their house or ours.  My dad no longer drives but my mom and mother in law (who also lives nearby) are very helpful with kid pick ups and stuff.  This is an ideal arrangement.

FLBiker

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2020, 12:06:14 PM »
To me, it is all about the relationship.  I would never do it in a million years with my FIL, but my MIL would be fine.  And I say that as someone who likes his own space very much.

EVERYONE in the arrangement needs to have veto power.

And I would never bother with 6000 sqft.  If you can't live together in less than that, you probably shouldn't live together.  Separate MIL suite seems fine, but that's doable in 2500 sqft or so.

joe189man

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #15 on: September 24, 2020, 12:33:28 PM »
DW and i are nearing our 40's and have two young kids almost ready for school, we both work full time at demanding jobs, so we have no time for anything really.

My parents are nearly retired, but not financially ready to retire with much beyond social security.
My thought would be that they would like to help out with the kids from time to time.
what if we buy a 6,000+ sf house with "space"

My wife likes her space and may hate this.
This sounds like a horrible idea.

First off, what does your wife think about this?  I'm guessing you haven't even asked her, since you state that she "may hate this."
I think you already know the answer (yes, she will hate it), since you are asking a bunch of internet strangers instead of your wife.

Secondly, it doesn't appear your parents are financially independent, which means they are likely to be dependent on you/your wife if they "move in and live with you long term."

Third, a 6,000 sq/ft house!  That is completely absurd for a family of 6. 
Have you estimated how much such a house would cost in terms of mortgage, taxes, insurance, maintenance, cleaning, ect?
You will also have to find a house set up for elderly...one floor living, no steps, wide hallways, ect.

Lastly, it sounds like you want your aging parents to become babysitters and nannies, since you "have no time for anything."
What if they don't want to spend their days watching your kids and cleaning the house?  What if they are physically unable to?

I have brought it up, she's not a fan at the moment, but we have also considered moving to BFE and homeschooling so who knows

i think my folks are ok financially, not 6 month vacation to europe, but ok in LCOL USA, i would like them to see the grand kids more often and they would as well

as for a big house, sounds like others on here are doing this with a smaller place, which is great. the big house would allow space and privacy and not cost much more than our current house (not set up for a MIL suite), just increase commutes a little and/or put us closer to some schools we want to check out anyway. a big house can have two kitchens and "separate" spaces or 2 master suites, but not always

i have investigated zillow extensively for our area and potential areas to move to in terms of availability and costs for larger homes

i like the idea of a duplex but not many available where i live, if we moved maybe an option

i think any co-habitating arrangement would outline responsibilities like financial commitments, maintenance, or etc. i would never expect my folks to take over as parents/babysiters.

i responded here as this seemed to be the most negative response so far, with real legitimate concerns.

i appreciate the responses and suggestions, sounds like others are exploring similar options

thinking it through, two separate houses maybe best as @trollwithamustache suggested


elaine amj

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #16 on: September 24, 2020, 12:33:56 PM »
It can be doable. It can also be very difficult.  One thing that helped us is firmly establishing who had final say - ESPECIALLY in parenting. The other is that each spouse needed to firmly stick up for the other.

I lived with my MIL before we married (she decided she'd see more of him living with me than she did living with him lol). Anyway, we had no issues that whole year and I moved out to live with DH after we got married. After our second child, she moved back in with us to "help" us even though I tried to politely tell her we were fine. A year later, I insisted we buy another house as I could no longer stand living with her as I couldn't raise my own children. Turns out she was happy to give me my space when it was just me, but absolutely had to interfere in everything to do with her grandchildren.

A few years after that, she was ailing and moved into our home and lived with us for the next 10 years. I accepted a certain amount of interference and after many, many arguments, she reluctantly conceded a lot of parental authority to us (helped a lot that we were now on OUR turf).

An inlaw suite wouldn't have been as helpful in her case as she was very depressed and needed the stimulation of being in the middle of bustling family life. At least the kids could make her smile every now and then. Left alone, she would just stare at the wall all day.

My mother now lives with us. Would love to find a place with a ground floor MIL suite. For now, she has use of almost our whole basement and it's working out OK. Sharing a kitchen has been OK too although sometimes we grumble a bit about each other.  In general, we are all living happily together.

Sent from my VCE-AL00 using Tapatalk
« Last Edit: September 24, 2020, 12:38:27 PM by elaine amj »

researcher1

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #17 on: September 24, 2020, 12:46:50 PM »
I have brought it up, she's not a fan...
It looks like you had your answer before even posting here.
It is a non-starter for this reason alone.

Catbert

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #18 on: September 24, 2020, 12:57:55 PM »
There was  local newspaper article (sorry, can't find it now) about a family that bought a small apartment complex.  Something like 4 units.  Elderly grandparents lived in one, parents lived in another, adult child and grandchild in a third and the fourth was rented until grandparents needed full-time care.  Then the 4th unit was used for a carer. Not for me, but it seemed to work for them.

One thing to figure is the exit plan.  Will you own it?  Or purchase jointly?  If jointly, what to do when one party wants/needs out?  When one party dies what happens to their share?  Less complicated if one party owns it completely.  More complicated, if jointly owned and there are more heirs that just you.

Cranky

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #19 on: September 24, 2020, 01:11:26 PM »
Again, we took those questions to a lawyer early in our discussion, and they were pretty easy to resolve.

partgypsy

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #20 on: September 24, 2020, 02:32:53 PM »
In the culture I grew up it was normal for parents to move in so the idea itself doesn't seem strange. Can potentially be a win/win. Growing up my grandmother lived with us, and while there was some friction with mom and yiayia about child rearing (basically I had one lax Mom and one strict " mom" growing up, both I had to listen to, but I LIKED that my yiayia lived with us).  My Dad (now passed) lived with my brother for a few years before brother married, and that worked well.  Now my mom (and sister!) lives with my brother. The 2nd move was more due to financial reasons on my mom, sisters part, and hasn't been as easy.  Problem is, my mom older, smokes, poor health, brother youngest child is now college age and feels encroached on.  But honestly I got along well enough with my MIL I could imagine living with her. Just depends on the person and personalities involved. Things that help: having house rules that people respect.  Young grandparents and young kids vs old grandparents and teen kids (kids are adaptable and this living situation can creat great family bonds) knowing everyone gets along before moving in. Having a separate wing with even a scaled down kitchen/food prep area. One good layout would be having a basement that could be made into a "apartment".
« Last Edit: September 24, 2020, 02:59:08 PM by partgypsy »

cchrissyy

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #21 on: September 24, 2020, 04:36:43 PM »
My wife likes her space and may hate this. If anyone has tried something similar, how did it go? Any advice on the concept?

what if we buy a 6,000+ sf house with "space" or a MIL suite, or second kitchen so everyone has privacy?

there is no amount of square footage that would flip me from being somebody who likes my space and privacy to not minding extra people living in my home. no way.

this idea is unlikely to work out as planned even if everybody involved was enthusiastic to try. you should probably drop it.

parkerk

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2020, 04:49:16 PM »
I haven't done this myself, but both my best friend and my mother did (best friend and her family moved in with her parents, my mom and stepdad moved in with his oldest daughter and her family).  In both cases it was separate suites in a large house.  Mom was successful, friend was not.  Two main pieces of advice from watching them:

1)  Set boundaries around how and when you can access each other's spaces.  Set them early, teach the kids, reinforce them whenever needed.  Friend didn't do this and they were all up in each other's faces all the time, especially when the kids wanted to go see their grandparents.  Mom on the other hand set the rule that you had to call before coming over just like you would if you were living halfway across the city, and if they say no, that's fine and you accept that.  (It was pretty funny sometimes because you could hear the grandkids in the stairwell outside their connecting door, on the phone asking if they could come visit). 

2)  If childcare is going to be a part of the deal, negotiate specific expectations WELL BEFORE going ahead with things.  Does "watch the kids sometimes" mean babysitting once or twice a month or taking care of the kids for a few hours every day between school and parents getting home from work?  As well, set a schedule for review/renegotiation with the expectation that it might not work out the way you think it will and you'll have to come up with an alternative.  Friend's mother, who was retired, originally was all "of course I'll watch your kids all you want!" but within three months realized that "all you want" meant childcare for two toddlers while both parents worked full time.  She couldn't handle it, told Friend she'd have to get daycare which of course completely messed up Friend's plans financially - the whole point of moving in with her parents was that this would make it affordable!  There was much resentment on both sides for a long time.  On the flip side, my mom and her husband were both still working and so they offered babysitting on an as-needed basis as long as it was scheduled ahead of time.  That one worked out fine. 

It can definitely work, but clear expectations, solid boundaries and constant, open communication are an absolute necessity.

Malcat

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #23 on: September 25, 2020, 04:24:38 AM »
Every woman should have her own freestanding house.  My personal preference would be to have multiple residences between myself and an in-law but a minimum a house per adult women is minimum. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can get everyone to get along.

???

Why are you specifying this to women???

FTR, even if you remove the gender part of the statement, it's still incorrect. Many adults are comfortable living with their parents/in laws. It's tremendously common in certain cultures.

Obviously OP's wife in this particular example isn't comfortable, and I'm sure she has personal reasons for that, but it's not because she's female.

cupcakery

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #24 on: September 25, 2020, 05:30:37 AM »
Living with my parents or ILs sounds like the stuff of nightmares.

Malcat

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #25 on: September 25, 2020, 05:40:24 AM »
Living with my parents or ILs sounds like the stuff of nightmares.

Meanwhile I've lived with both of my sets of parents as an adult when I switched cities and had no problems at all.

Some people do well with more generational/communal living and some don't. On top of that, it depends on the individuals involved.

OP's wife may not want to share with anyone, or she may just not want to share with her in laws in particular.

partgypsy

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #26 on: September 25, 2020, 05:47:16 AM »
It's true all the adults have to agree to living situation.

Fishindude

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #27 on: September 25, 2020, 08:02:56 AM »
Every woman should have her own freestanding house.  My personal preference would be to have multiple residences between myself and an in-law but a minimum a house per adult women is minimum. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can get everyone to get along.

Amen !
I'm not so sure that each spouse in a marriage shouldn't have their own house too.

Sibley

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #28 on: September 25, 2020, 08:23:24 AM »
I get annoyed with my mom being in my house after about 4 days. That should tell you something. I last about 24 hours when it's both my parents, my sister and her boyfriend. I like my routine. I might be able to tolerate my dad longer, but he's much more laid back.

OP- your wife doesn't like the idea. It's a no. Unless of course you want to get divorced, because that would not be a surprising outcome.

trollwithamustache

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #29 on: September 25, 2020, 08:38:37 AM »
Every woman should have her own freestanding house.  My personal preference would be to have multiple residences between myself and an in-law but a minimum a house per adult women is minimum. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can get everyone to get along.

Amen !
I'm not so sure that each spouse in a marriage shouldn't have their own house too.

Does a three car garage count as a troll's separate bedroom?

simonsez

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #30 on: September 25, 2020, 08:56:24 AM »
OP it sounds like you knew this would not work from the drop but a version of this is something my brain is kicking around for 10-15+ years from now.

My sibling and wife's sibling are likely not to provide much at all to our parents - one from a lack of means and the other from a lack of desire.  Anyway, we get along great with all four parents (both sets live within 25 min and this will always be the case) and we lived with my in-laws for about 9 months while we looked for a house after moving back to Midwest from DC.  That was a special time and while I would not want to permanently live in the same domicile, I am open to the idea of a compound of sorts.  My own pipe dream would be to have a detached guesthouse where one set of parents would be.  As long as I have the pool and the garden, my mom or MIL will be happy as clams.  I'm not sure how I would manage both sets of parents as I would want them to have their own separation and living space but this setup is more likely to happen based on what life throws at us.  e.g. One parent dies and the widow/widower is relatively healthy in 70s and doesn't want to maintain as much house or live alone or be in a retirement community.

None of this might happen at all but it's a good thought exercise to think about longer term possibilities and what might work best.  Of course, if we didn't get along as well as we do or my wife didn't want to entertain the idea, we wouldn't.  It's a big consideration to start with.

GuitarStv

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #31 on: September 25, 2020, 09:10:17 AM »
It would be extremely taxing to live with my parents or my wife's parents for an extended period of time.

This is one of the times I actually agree with the bible.  "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."

mtnman125

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #32 on: September 25, 2020, 12:49:42 PM »
My wife grew up in a multi-generation home. It was a 2-flat with mom, dad, and kids upstairs, grandma/grandpa downstairs and a shared basement/laundry.  It worked out really well as they had totally separate living quarters bit literally on-site.

Now, the parents retired and moved, bought new house.  The grandparents recently moved in, but no longer have separate kitchen, there are "fights" over what is on TV, so the parents essentially hide in their room all day.  Obviously being home for COVID has made it even more stressful.

Most unfortunate is even after the sale of the previous home, they have not/will not have a discussion about pooling all that money to buy a new/different house that could get them separate spaces.  Almost like they've agreed to be miserable.

My father in law is 10+ years older than my mother in law, we've already started having discussions about when the time comes, she will move in with us.  For reasons above, I couldnt imagine living in our current home, we'd definitely have to build/buy something with separate "wing".

joe189man

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #33 on: September 25, 2020, 01:50:42 PM »
Thanks for the replies, my intent with the post was to see if others have tried something similar to what i had proposed, living with parents or in-laws long term and how that went for them. Sounds like some folks had success and others just hate the idea in principle and feel the need to tell us.

Seems like the best solution, in general, would be to have separate homes nearby, or separated living spaces spaces (duplex, or apartments in same building).

I liked the idea of a larger house at first because in our area its easier to find a large house to share vs a second house due to costs, but now see the error in my logic

Thanks again for sharing your life experiences with this idea

Shane

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #34 on: September 25, 2020, 02:30:05 PM »
My dad and his wife lived with me, my wife and our young daughter for two years, and it was, by all accounts, a good experience for everyone involved. Our house, at the time, was only ~1500sqft. The main thing that made it work for us was the fact that we all pretty much got along. Also, it was lucky that we were able to easily modify our house, so that the first and 2nd floors had separate entrances, kitchens and baths. Upstairs, we had two bedrooms, two baths and a kitchen. Downstairs, there was one big studio with its own kitchen, a utility/storage type room and a separate bathroom. My dad and his wife helped us with childcare, but it wasn't like they were ever responsible for taking care of our daughter for extended periods of time. Some days, my dad and his wife would pick our daughter up at pre-school and take her out for ice cream, to her ballet lessons, or whatever. Key to the success of our set up was that both my wife and my dad's wife had their own kitchens. Otherwise, I think it would've been pretty difficult to live together. Usually, we saw my dad and his wife every day. Rarely, we would eat meals together at home. Sometimes, we would all go out somewhere for dinner. A few times, if my wife and I were busy working, we wouldn't even see my dad and his wife for a couple of days at a time. Parents of a friend I worked with also lived with him, his wife and daughter. By all accounts, their experience was negative, especially for my friend's wife, who didn't get along well with her FIL. The main point of friction for them seemed to be that they were sharing a kitchen. Their house was bigger than our, ~2500sqft, but only had one kitchen. It seemed like most of the stress in their family was due to their inability to separate when tensions rose. They were stuck sharing a kitchen, bathrooms, and one living room.

Cranky

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #35 on: September 25, 2020, 07:15:55 PM »
Iím surprised at how many people find sharing a kitchen to be a big problem or potential problem.

Shane

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #36 on: September 25, 2020, 08:05:03 PM »
Iím surprised at how many people find sharing a kitchen to be a big problem or potential problem.

My wife barely even tolerates me and my daughter coming into her kitchen, while she's cooking, let alone someone from outside our immediate family. YMMV.

Steeze

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #37 on: September 25, 2020, 08:09:17 PM »
Iím surprised at how many people find sharing a kitchen to be a big problem or potential problem.

Me too - seems like such a waste to have so many kitchens. Iíve always liked the idea of a compound Type setup with a bunch of cabins with bedroom/living room/bathroom and then a large central dining hall. Maybe that is a terrible idea after all. Never force people to get together - everyone has a means of isolating if needed. Too bad.

Cranky

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #38 on: September 25, 2020, 08:22:30 PM »
Iím surprised at how many people find sharing a kitchen to be a big problem or potential problem.

My wife barely even tolerates me and my daughter coming into her kitchen, while she's cooking, let alone someone from outside our immediate family. YMMV.

Clearly it does, since our current kitchen is in the center of the house and thereís always somebody else in there!

My son-in-law and I plan to divide the cooking. I donít think anyone else is terribly concerned. LOL

Iíll report back in a year or so!

ilsy

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #39 on: September 25, 2020, 09:27:07 PM »
Ok, when I bought my large (only about 3K sqft) house, I planned to have my mom move in with (back then) "us" to help with the kids.The house is a one story ranch with an law suite in the walk out basement which is about 1200sqft with separate bathroom and kitchenette. By the time my mom moved in with us there where no more "us" because we got divorced, and the house became mine.

Before my mom's final move in, we did have a few trails with my mom staying with us for a few weeks. Each one of those trails failed and my mom had to leave earlier. However, when my mom did finally move in with me and the kids a bit more than 3 years ago, we have no problems, so it could have been my ex, even though it didn't seem like he was the problem at the trial move-ins. I'm very glad my mom did finally move in, we are all very happy living together, her, me and the kids. And, the funniest part, my mom does not stay in her in law suite because she has bad knees now and getting up and down the stairs isn't an option.

My ex in laws are retired and actually live not too far from me. They voluntarily volunteered to watch the kids when the kids are with my ex. But after some time with the kids being with them for longer periods of time due to Covid and my ex getting night shift job, my in laws got fed up with watching our almost teen kids and practically kicked them out one night. So, now the kids are with me full time. In my state the kids could be left alone and I prefer my kids to cook, do dishes and other household stuff on their own, so I don't really need my mom to live with me, but sometimes it is helpful to have another set of hands around.

So, my bottom line, it's seems to be very individual. Back when we did the move-in trials I was sure that it wouldn't work with my mom and thought that with my in laws it would work (if we needed to move in with them for some reason). But apparently I was wrong. My in laws really like to have their space and my mom doesn't mind not really having her space ( she does have her private room and private bathroom), but we share one large kitchen and the fridge, and actually we split the grocery bill. She doesn't drive, so I take her everywhere she needs to go. And, just a side note, I do not charge her rent or utiities. Her pension is really small and I want her to have money to buy things for herself and presents for our birthdays, Xmas and such. Plus, since she doesn't use her in law suite, I Airbnb it. I can share that the meal preparation works like this, my mom cooks for herself and me and I cook for me, the kids and my mom, and the kids cook for themselves. My kids are very picky and are used to eat more unhealthier food, while my mom and I eat more healthier. Since the kids are very far from being overweight, I do not worry about their eating habits, it will grow on them eventually. We also have 4 cats, one for each one of us, so it might be the cats help us not to stress out too much (just a side note, my in-laws are allergic to cats). Also, I think it's important to consider recreation. In my case, since only one adult is driving, it was important to live in a safe area, so my mom and the kids can take walks. Plus, we live in walking distance to coffee and other shops, vet clinic, restaurants, convenient shops, and the school. So, they don't really depend on me. We also have art exhibits, concerts and other things in walking distance and before Covid we loved going there, the kids often went with their friends and I went with my mom.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2020, 10:45:14 PM by ilsy »

Shane

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #40 on: September 25, 2020, 09:34:12 PM »
Iím surprised at how many people find sharing a kitchen to be a big problem or potential problem.

My wife barely even tolerates me and my daughter coming into her kitchen, while she's cooking, let alone someone from outside our immediate family. YMMV.

Clearly it does, since our current kitchen is in the center of the house and thereís always somebody else in there!

My son-in-law and I plan to divide the cooking. I donít think anyone else is terribly concerned. LOL

Iíll report back in a year or so!

Good luck Cranky! Hope things work out for you and your family. Everyone's situation really is different.

ilsy

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #41 on: September 25, 2020, 10:30:28 PM »
Young grandparents and young kids vs old grandparents and teen kids (kids are adaptable and this living situation can creat great family bonds) knowing everyone gets along before moving in. Having a separate wing with even a scaled down kitchen/food prep area. One good layout would be having a basement that could be made into a "apartment".

I think it very much depends on personalities. My ex in laws are younger almost 10 years younger than my mom and obviously were unable to tolerate my kids for longer time periods, they have their rules and believes and my kids have different believes. My older one is a teen. In my opinion now, as a teen, she has more patience and understanding towards my mom and her believes. I would actually say that my daughter has higher expectations of my ex in laws, because they are younger, but forgives more things that my mom does because she is older and just doesn't 'get' it.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2020, 11:04:24 PM by ilsy »

Imma

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #42 on: September 26, 2020, 05:43:25 AM »
Iím surprised at how many people find sharing a kitchen to be a big problem or potential problem.

Where I'm from (rural Europe) it's not unusual for people to live with parents/in-laws. I have friends who grew up like that and friends who live with their own parents now. One moved in with a grandparent. In my family it happened too but my grandparents did not live with us. One set of grandparents lived very close and basically raised us but they had their own home.

In most cases it's an old farmhouse that has been in the family for generations and that has been converted into two seperate living spaces (how separate depends). And my experience from family/friends is that many women of that generation/culture do get very territorial about their kitchens. In my family, the situation between a MIL/DIL actually escalated over the use of the kitchen. The MIL didn't have her own kitchen and was supposed to eat with the family. But she hadn't expected DIL to ban her from cooking her own food ever. Also, DIL wanted her kitchen spotless and everything organized just so. She'd serve tea at night and then the kitchen was closed. MIL wasn't supposed to go in and make another cuppa for herself (they had seperate sitting rooms). This happened some time ago, back then the women in the family weren't really involved in decisions like this which probably was the root cause of the tension, not the actual kitchen.

I would absolutely want to have seperate floors or areas and an agreement that you don't enter the other person's area. You don't want to bump into your MIL when you walk from the bathroom to the bedroom.

Runrooster

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #43 on: September 26, 2020, 09:12:20 AM »
I come from a culture where this is common. However I donít think itís easy in modern lives. The two major daily considerations are food and entertainment. In my household of three people - I unmarried live with my aged parents- we regularly have 2-3 meals on the table and all three of us watch different TV shows. My Mom has a lot of food allergies and has returned to being vegetarian. Dad and I try to get protein, chicken and eggs, daily. Still we manage to eat together for dinner and they eat breakfast and lunch while Iím at work. Entertainment is pretty much completely separate. Mom watches ethnic TV soaps, Dad reads the paper and listens to news articles, I watch US TV shows. Occasionally Dad will watch TV or tell us about the news. Sometimes Mom and I clash over using the kitchen. Even in a fairly large house this seems like enough. I donít think we could add two kids and a spouse to the mix. Then you add school schedules and sports (when those resume). FWIW, my brother, wife, two very young kids did live with parents for 2 years. I donít think theyíd do that again.

OMY Syndrome

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #44 on: September 26, 2020, 02:50:09 PM »
I am a long time lurker and this is my first post.  I feel compelled to respond as I am speaking from personal experience.  We live just outside of Vancouver, BC and the cost of real estate in the Lower Mainland is eye popping to say the least.  My husband and I did some soul searching and decided to help our grown children when they were young, not wait until they were old themselves to inherit our meager assets, lol!  Just to be clear, my children did not ask for, or expect, any assistance from us with purchasing a place to them to live.

My husband and I sold our family home and purchased a fourplex with our 3 children in late November, 2004.  We gutted and customized/renovated each suite to a high standard and made the front and back yard(s) beautiful and low maintenance.  We each have our own suite that we have inhabited since early 2005 and we all share the outdoor space(s).  Two of our children have married and have had their own children since we all moved to this property.  We are thrilled that our family has expanded and we have 3 grandchildren with #4 due in Jan/21.  Our living situation has worked perfectly for over 15 years now although you have to have the right family dynamic to make it enjoyable for all parties.  My husband and I want to live our own life and do not want to know everyone else's business.  If everyone can set up personal boundaries, and stick with them, it is financially beneficial for all concerned.

We funded the purchase of the fourplex from the sale of our family home and financed the renovations through a Creditline mortgage (much like a LOC) with a very low interest rate.  The small mortgage was fully paid off about 10 years ago.  About 2 years ago we lowered our children's "0% interest monthly Bank of Mom and Dad mortgage payment" from $700.00 to $400.00 each per month.  Lowering their monthly payments to $400.00 assists with their finances as now they are raising their own children and have related expenses. 

Due to the high value of our property I calculate that their mortgage(s) will be paid off 45+ years from now.  Unless a miracle happens, my husband and I won't be alive long enough to collect the full balance.  As we receive monthly payments from each of our children it is similar to having a reverse mortgage or annuity which boosts our personal cash flow.  We have it set up that each of our children owes us exactly the same amount of money so that when they inherit the property everyone is treated equally.  We realize that we are losing out on the gains (or perhaps losses) as we are financing this property at 0% interest but in our opinion not everything in life is about money.  We get satisfaction out of watching our children/spouses and grandchildren grow up and they are all wonderful human beings.  We love them all dearly and feel very fortunate to have such a loving family.

My husband retired in 1995 to become a stay-at-home father and I worked to support our family.  I was in the process of retiring earlier this year when Covid hit and I have been working part time up until now.  Honestly, my husband and I wouldn't change any of the choices we have made.  We have forged a very strong bond with our grandchildren and are involved in their activities.  As my husband is retired he is always a back-up plan for anyone that needs assistance.  If someone's car doesn't start and they need to get to work, no problem, you can borrow Dad's car the for the day while yours get repaired; you need to borrow something, 100% guaranteed someone living here has it available for you to use so you don't have to buy it.  My husband is also the back-up plan in the event of a school Pro-D day or if a grandchild is sick or needs to get to an event if the parents are working, etc.  I could go on and on about the benefits of all living separate but at the same property but I think you get the picture.

Each family has its own dynamic and everyone has to be "all in" or the situation may become unbearable.  If each "family unit" has their own space and privacy, like in our situation, it can be a very rewarding experience.  If your spouse feels uncomfortable you have to seriously consider the impact it may have on your marriage if she does not wish to live with your family and you push the situation because YOU think it is the best solution.  When you are making a long term plan that affects your day-to-day life, communication is key and you have to LISTEN to your spouse's fears and see if a compromise can be reached.  In my case, there was NO WAY that I would have been able to live anywhere near my in-laws, my husband felt the exact same way about his parents but the opposite about mine.  My husband and I are the "dreaded in-laws" and we spoke honestly and openly with our children's mates about their feelings about living with their spouse's family.  In our case, both our daughters-in-law were "all-in" and we have absolutely no issues with either of them or their extended families.  Perhaps in our family situation we are just lucky or maybe we make it work because we really want it to work, it is hard to tell after all these years.  I am very passionate about the situation, as you can tell from my lengthy response, and I am sure you jointly will make the right decision for your family.

TomTX

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #45 on: September 26, 2020, 08:24:35 PM »
My sister built an ADA-compliant ADU for our parents - she has a very large yard. The talk is about moving in the next year or two (certainly post-Pandemic)

blingwrx

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Re: Anyone live with their in-laws or parents and buy a big house together?
« Reply #46 on: September 27, 2020, 05:28:01 PM »
Living with the parents can be very helpful when you have young kids as long as your parents are ready and able to help out as a nanny. On the flip side they'd only be helpful for 5-10 years tops then it's probably your turn to take care of your aging parents for the rest of their lives. It's going to be very hard to get them out of your house once they're there.

I agreed with everyone else there needs to be separation, either separate house nearby or a in-law suite.

Kitchen is a problem area, my mom would usually want to take over and cook all the family meals so that put the rest of us in the back seat, not an easy space to share.

If you guys are pooling money to buy a place I would not suggest that to be wise. Money is always a hot topic, things need to be split evenly and fairly and you need to look at the long picture and have an exit plan if money is being pooled or if there is even some expectations that your parents need help pay some bills or if they are required to provide full time daycare as a condition of them living with you.

Just do your due diligence and think of every scenario and an exit strategy, think about 30 years down the line and if this arrangement will still work for you. I learned this the hard way with splitting a house with my family, we never discussed an exit strategy and this has been a continued issue for me to break off from the house we purchased together.