Author Topic: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?  (Read 4131 times)

jeff2017

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Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« on: July 23, 2018, 09:28:02 AM »
I just find it crazy how different my brother and I are. We both grew up in the same house, same parents, same upbringing, etc. but are 100% different, across all walks of life (different interests, hobbies, personality, can't think of one thing we have in common), particularly when it comes to finances. He's my "older brother", but surely acts the younger. I'll spare the anti-Mustachian stories for another post, but just curious how common this is, particularly in the MMM world?

« Last Edit: July 23, 2018, 10:34:48 AM by jeff2017 »

Sibley

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2018, 10:14:40 AM »
My sister and I have opposite, and incompatible personalities. We each know people with similar personalities as the other, and we each can't stand those people. Being siblings doesn't help. We get along very well with limited contact via email/im/occasional phone.

matchewed

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2018, 10:22:30 AM »
I have a twin who lives quite opposite of my lifestyle if you define lifestyle as only generic western euro/north american standards.

I live a relatively wealthy lifestyle of a 30kish annual spending. He lives 2x-3x that.

But I wonder... if I were a person from Haiti and I looked at matchewed and his twin brother would I really see much of a difference? Are they opposites? Or are they just on the same side of a broad spectrum?

Dicey

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2018, 10:25:51 AM »
I'm from a large family. One of my sisters is temperamentally opposite. Another is financially opposite.

AccidentalMiser

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2018, 10:43:15 AM »
Absolutely.  My sister is a morose, sad-sack who makes poor choices on a more or less continuous basis.  My brother is an on-again, off-again drug user with a trail of human wreckage in his wake.  No three humans could be more different than the three of us. 

I’m not perfect by any stretch but I am proud of what my wife and I have built with our family and our lives.  One thing I will say is that I married well and that I know that I certainly have the capability to wreck my life left to my own devices.  My sister and brother made poor choices for their spouses and their lives spiraled downward from there.

For a little context, I am the middle child at 50.  My sister is older at 53 and my brother younger at 40.  We’ve been adults for a long time and have all had opportunities to make good or poor life decisions.  When we were young adults, we all had a good chance to do well but it just didn’t work out that way for 66% of us.

jeff2017

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2018, 11:10:45 AM »
Absolutely.  My sister is a morose, sad-sack who makes poor choices on a more or less continuous basis.  My brother is an on-again, off-again drug user with a trail of human wreckage in his wake.  No three humans could be more different than the three of us. 

I’m not perfect by any stretch but I am proud of what my wife and I have built with our family and our lives.  One thing I will say is that I married well and that I know that I certainly have the capability to wreck my life left to my own devices.  My sister and brother made poor choices for their spouses and their lives spiraled downward from there.

For a little context, I am the middle child at 50.  My sister is older at 53 and my brother younger at 40.  We’ve been adults for a long time and have all had opportunities to make good or poor life decisions.  When we were young adults, we all had a good chance to do well but it just didn’t work out that way for 66% of us.

Wow you all sound veryyy different. I'm interested to see how things change as we get "older", particularly throughout our 30s and 40s.

SunnyDays

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2018, 11:37:36 AM »
Yes, totally.  I often wonder how we're from the same parents.  My older sister has always wanted a life of ease, status and glamour and tried her best to obtain it through a series of poorly chosen men.  She couldn't wait to finish school and took only 18 months of post-secondary training.  Unfortunately, this has not worked out for her, as although she has worked all her life, she is now slowly moving downwards in terms of finances and living accommodations, the men not having lived up to her hopes.  I have always seemed to pick the hard path and remained single by choice, with many years of university, a stable career and a solid financial footing.  She is intelligent and a very nice person, but just doesn't have good judgment when it comes to her own life.  Sadly, I can see the regret surface sometimes, when she isn't trying to make herself believe that everything is great, and she has said that she wishes she had gone to school like I did, when my parents begged her to.  My life hasn't always been a bed of roses either, but given the choice, I'll take mine.  I read once that "the easy way is the long way, the short way is the hard way" and that seems to sum things up nicely.

grantmeaname

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2018, 06:12:27 PM »
My brother is an on-again, off-again drug user with a trail of human wreckage in his wake.
Whoa are you me?

ReadySetMillionaire

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2018, 07:34:09 AM »
What a great thread this will be for people to vent. Allow me to partake.

***

This was part of the genesis in my thread I just had over the weekend, which I posted after a huge fight with my older brother: https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/sibling-confrontationargument-was-i-wrong-and-how-to-move-forward/

My older brother was also the subject of this thread three years ago -- he and his wife had two cars, two motorcycles, three dogs, etc. and were asking me for $5 so they could buy food: https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/brother's-gf-just-facebook-ranted-about-food-stamps-need-help/

**

My older brother (now 32) began mooching off my parents when he got a $10,000 loan from them to start a landscaping business in 2004. That went out of business after one summer, but that treadmill of mooching hasn't stopped.

He continues to consistently and regularly borrow money from my parents. He plays ping pong with each of them, alternating calls about every two weeks, needing money for different reasons.  He drives his car over my dad's house on an empty tank, knowing my dad will fill it for him.  He only comes out to eat when he knows someone else is paying for the meal.

It's always the vital thing that needs money (cell phones, electric, whatever).  It's not that they buy Dunkin Donuts every day or eat out more than the rest of my family combined, it's that oh, man, their cell phones are getting shut off, how could this be.  It's very comparable to a drug addict asking his parents for "grocery money."

This has gotten to the point that I'm considering paying for my parents to undergo professional addiction counseling.

***

My brother is a police officer making about $30k/year. He has a huge inferiority complex about not going to college, even though I think  about him not going to college probably the same amount that I think about the hair on his ass.  It actually never crosses my mind, but whatever...him being the "black sheep" of the family is one of his go-to lines.

His wife has two psychology degrees but commutes about 170 miles round trip to work in Pittsburgh for about $16/hour. Rather than cut her losses, she is going back to school for more degrees this fall. And rather than move closer to work, the house they moved into is actually 7 miles further from Pittsburgh.

***

They spend so much money it makes my head spin.  Eat out all the time, shop all the time, and the amount we moved out of their house was just insane.  Oh, and they just bought that house, which they were only able to do by, you guessed it, having my parents gift them money for the down payment.

They spend every last cent every month. They get Dunkin Donuts seemingly every day. My brother is probably 5-7, 260 pounds, and his wife his probably 5-4, 220 pounds.  They constantly complain about their weight and blame their busy lifestyles.

***

A summary of my brother's advice to me over the last decade can be distilled to the following: "Wait until you have to pay your own bills. Wait until you get a girlfriend. Wait until you are engaged.  Wait until you are married. Wait until you have a kid."

The shame in this most recent line--"wait until you have a kid"--is that my niece is beautiful and the cutest thing you've ever seen. But her middle name might as well be "Excuse," because she is the bottomless well that they always go to.  Having a one-year old is why  they are each about 80 pounds overweight, she's why they're tired, she's why they're broke, she's why they are late to everything, she's why they can't attend anything, etc.

Some day they will probably have a second child, so at least their current daughter won't have to shoulder all the blame.

***

It's almost as if my brother and his wife believe that all of this happened by circumstance, and that he just has a bad stroke of luck. His wife's long commute, his low-paying job, their never-ending need for money, their stressful life raising a one-year old...all of it is the just they way life is, and there's nothing they can do about it.

And when they are around, it is just so depressing. Everything I've posted is all they talk about at the dinner table. My brother talks about some guy he beat the shit out of at the jail; his wife talks about a kid who wants to kill himself in Pittsburgh; they talk about how busy they are; how they wish they could get their daughter more but can't; etc.

Just hearing about it is all so exhausting. Nobody in my family can stand it, yet my recent blowup with my brother is the first time anyone had said anything to him.

***

As someone else iterated, I'm nowhere close to perfect. But I married well, and I live well below my means and take personal responsibility for my decisions. I started my own law office three months ago and haven't quite figured out how to pay myself (due to tax reasons), so I haven't had an income since April 13th.  You'd see me in a pit of snakes, raccoons, spiders, and rhinos before you saw me ask my parents for money.

***

I went golfing with a close friend Sunday night, who went to high school with me and knows my brother well.  He asked, "Why do you care so much? He's never going to change. Just let him go." 

I'm sadly getting closer and closer to just not caring anymore.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2018, 07:37:00 AM by ReadySetMillionaire »

FIRE@50

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #9 on: July 24, 2018, 07:40:01 AM »
I'm an only child... :(

Luck12

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #10 on: July 24, 2018, 08:04:28 AM »
Me:  Agnostic, single, compassionate, liberal, financially comfortable, believe nobody should go bankrupt or die an early death due to unaffordable healthcare or not being able to get health care.  Also I'm a good person though I have a somewhat condescending air and am not a friendly person/am very introverted.

Brother:  Religious right wing nutjob, married with kids, asshole, struggling financially, thinks if someone dies an early death because they couldn't get healthcare it's "God's will".  He wouldn't even care if it that happened to me.  He's much friendlier than I am and fools people into thinking he's a good person.

Ever since I found out his views on healthcare I cut him off financially.  Used to give him and his family a generous annual gift.   Fuck him, he could be run over a bus today and I wouldn't shed a tear. 

Roadrunner53

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #11 on: July 24, 2018, 08:56:34 AM »
I'm an only child... :(

I am an only child too! :)

civil4life

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #12 on: July 24, 2018, 09:16:54 AM »
Me:  The typical oldest child, responsible, independent, own my own home, great job, income, and benefits, financially secure, introvert, stubborn, single with 2 cats.  I have a BS and ME in civil engineering

Sister:  The typical middle child, 2 kids and 2 step kids, married, live in parents basement, live paycheck to paycheck, she is a bit of a pushover, introvert as well, avoids conflict, also an insanely huge dog, first kids dad (if you can call him that) is a waste of life.  She has an Associates degree in graphic design.  If she tried they could have a decent independent life.  Average intelligence.

Brother:  The typical youngest child, he struggled with drugs and alcohol, but has luckily gotten over that, he has some college, but he was the type that would have been much better off with trade school.  He works as a heavy equipment operator.  He is engaged and they have 2 dogs, 1 cat?, and a snake.  He bought his own home a few years back, but owes my parents a ton of money.  He too pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck.  Again a little effort and his life could be significantly better.  He is an introvert as well, hard worker, not the brightest crayon in the box.

I am at the point now that I know they can only help themselves.  I hope they will figure it out someday.


dcozad999

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #13 on: July 24, 2018, 09:26:18 AM »
Me:  The typical oldest child, responsible, independent, own my own home, great job, income, and benefits, financially secure, introvert, stubborn, single with 2 cats.  I have a BS and ME in civil engineering

Sister:  The typical middle child, 2 kids and 2 step kids, married, live in parents basement, live paycheck to paycheck, she is a bit of a pushover, introvert as well, avoids conflict, also an insanely huge dog, first kids dad (if you can call him that) is a waste of life.  She has an Associates degree in graphic design.  If she tried they could have a decent independent life.  Average intelligence.

Brother:  The typical youngest child, he struggled with drugs and alcohol, but has luckily gotten over that, he has some college, but he was the type that would have been much better off with trade school.  He works as a heavy equipment operator.  He is engaged and they have 2 dogs, 1 cat?, and a snake.  He bought his own home a few years back, but owes my parents a ton of money.  He too pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck.  Again a little effort and his life could be significantly better.  He is an introvert as well, hard worker, not the brightest crayon in the box.

I am at the point now that I know they can only help themselves.  I hope they will figure it out someday.



So the typical middle child has lives in their parents basement and lives paycheck to paycheck? Paint with a broad brush much?
You may want to look up "typical" in the dictionary. Because your family sure doesn't qualify as the typical family in my experience. And I know quite a few people.

mxt0133

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #14 on: July 24, 2018, 09:48:58 AM »
This used to baffle me too until I started researching more on the whole nature vs nurture dichotomy.  I started seeing the same thing happen to my kids and was curious as to why they had such different temperaments.  Then I realized that the whole growing up in the same house, same parents, and same upbringing are false constants.  First even if you grew up in the same physical environment, the actors are different meaning they precieve everything differently depending on the context.  Second, you might have the same parents but your parents were not exactly the same people at the same time each child was going through their development stages.  I am completely different in terms of temperament and how I respond and relate to my kids now than when my oldest was growing up.  Lastly and I think most importantly, the very fact of having another child changes the family dynamics drastically, no matter how much the parents try to keep things fair and equal.  The parent could behave exactly the same for each child as they are growing up but the fact that there is another child in the family changes how each child experiences each situation.


Lady SA

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #15 on: July 24, 2018, 10:22:04 AM »
My DH - capable, responsible, pragmatic, hard-working, stable and high-paying career, he is frugal and a planner, has stable and loving relationships with his family, just is on a good life trajectory and making solid life choices in regards to career, relationships, money. He (and I) believe strongly that you have to plan and be responsible for your own choices, and we have refused to accept money from his low-income parents. We have everything well in hand and now its just a matter of time to let the groundwork we laid to build up into FI. We are less than a year away from paying off the last penny of $150k of SLs, we've both been promoted 2 times already, DH has gotten offers to work at Amazon and Google but turned them down for lifestyle reasons (he knows what makes him happy and is willing to cut a little salary for a better life).

My SIL1, his only full sister - a complete and utter trainwreck. She is a friendly person, but holy hell. She legitimately believes that she was owed a free college education so she got cosigned loans with my MIL and then... stopped paying them (not really out of malice, so much as oblivious, selfish entitlement, which is somehow worse?). With younger half-siblings yet to go to college, this SIL completely screwed them out of the ability to pay for their college educations by fucking up my MIL's credit. Now MIL is bogged down with full loan payments for SIL1's loans on top of a mortgage and supporting younger kids (DH is the only independent one, their younger half siblings are all still in college and high school).

She also doesn't pay taxes. She filed for 5 (!) extensions and just can't be bothered. Thinks it is a waste of time. One of her boyfriends at the time walked her through it himself and got her filed (finally), and then left her 1.5 weeks later. I suspect he finally noticed what a giant walking catastrophe she was and cut his losses.

Also picks cash-strapped losers for boyfriends to try to mooch off of them, which is a terrible strategy if she had a single brain cell to consider such things. She also thinks badmouthing her roots and family and local culture (as "inspiration" for her angsty music) makes her look edgy, but mostly makes her look ungrateful and pathetic.

She works in an industry where her living expenses are free, so she doesn't understand how money works. Doesn't understand banking and checking accounts, doesn't understand debit cards, doesn't understand the concept that normal people have set work schedules, doesn't understand the concept that most people have to pay for things like housing and food and F*CKING LOANS THAT YOU AGREED TO PAY.
No matter how DH approaches it, he has never been able to make a dent in her happy bubble of zero responsibilities. She is happy being completely oblivious to how the real world works and generally has a "lalalallalalalallalalalala I can't hear you" approach when anyone tries to bring up any of this.

She is messy, thoughtless, and clueless during the rare times she visits back home, and generally leaves a wake of disruption and mess and stress behind her as she goes on her merry way, totally oblivious to how she is impacting everyone around in a negative way. Leaves rotting food out, insists on being provided weird diets (like only pickles and honey and kimchi for 2 weeks?! then the next time only mustard and kale... like will literally squirt the mustard onto her finger and eat just that for a meal?), has a completely disruptive sleep schedule and chats loudly with her friends at 2am, is condescending to everyone back home to their faces, borrows things without asking, breaks things and then either doesn't tell you, or doesn't do anything to rectify it, etc.

I am friendly to her on the rare occasions I see her, but dear lord DH and I are complete opposites of her and it is so grating and horrible. Literally the only thing they have in common is they look a bit similar (she is just a shorter, feminine clone of him), but that is it. I tell DH that there were 100 units of sense that MIL and FIL's genes would pass on to their offspring, and 100 went to him. He thinks I jest. I do not.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2018, 11:01:50 AM by Lady SA »

FreshPrincess

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #16 on: July 24, 2018, 11:15:50 AM »
Me:  The typical oldest child, responsible, independent, own my own home, great job, income, and benefits, financially secure, introvert, stubborn, single with 2 cats.  I have a BS and ME in civil engineering

Sister:  The typical middle child, 2 kids and 2 step kids, married, live in parents basement, live paycheck to paycheck, she is a bit of a pushover, introvert as well, avoids conflict, also an insanely huge dog, first kids dad (if you can call him that) is a waste of life.  She has an Associates degree in graphic design.  If she tried they could have a decent independent life.  Average intelligence.

Brother:  The typical youngest child, he struggled with drugs and alcohol, but has luckily gotten over that, he has some college, but he was the type that would have been much better off with trade school.  He works as a heavy equipment operator.  He is engaged and they have 2 dogs, 1 cat?, and a snake.  He bought his own home a few years back, but owes my parents a ton of money.  He too pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck.  Again a little effort and his life could be significantly better.  He is an introvert as well, hard worker, not the brightest crayon in the box.

I am at the point now that I know they can only help themselves.  I hope they will figure it out someday.



So the typical middle child has lives in their parents basement and lives paycheck to paycheck? Paint with a broad brush much?
You may want to look up "typical" in the dictionary. Because your family sure doesn't qualify as the typical family in my experience. And I know quite a few people.

^^^ middle child here... and the most financially stable, the most responsible and least emotional, executor of my parents will and the family mediator. "typically" middle children are more independent, great negotiators, can play all sides of the fence and have strong personalities thanks to years of trying to feel noticed... not always good things.  but certainly not what you described.

but back on topic.  My brother and i are COMPLETE opposites.  but there's no animosity about it because he's still relatively normal, a good person and living HIS best life... and whatever that looks like is none of my business.  we talk regularly and share a mutual love for the cincinnati bengals and our pets; id absolutely be a character witness for him and love him immensely.

my sister is ALSO very different than i am in a lot of ways... but my sister is my best friend and a better person than i am in just about every way.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2018, 12:22:49 PM by FreshPrincess »

SunnyDays

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #17 on: July 24, 2018, 11:23:01 AM »
Me:  Agnostic, single, compassionate, liberal, financially comfortable, believe nobody should go bankrupt or die an early death due to unaffordable healthcare or not being able to get health care.  Also I'm a good person though I have a somewhat condescending air and am not a friendly person/am very introverted.

Brother:  Religious right wing nutjob, married with kids, asshole, struggling financially, thinks if someone dies an early death because they couldn't get healthcare it's "God's will".  He wouldn't even care if it that happened to me.  He's much friendlier than I am and fools people into thinking he's a good person.

Ever since I found out his views on healthcare I cut him off financially.  Used to give him and his family a generous annual gift.   Fuck him, he could be run over a bus today and I wouldn't shed a tear. 

It's frustrating, isn't it?  I think most people have trouble distinguishing personality from character, and unfortunately our society tends to focus on the former as a measure of a person.

jeff2017

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #18 on: July 24, 2018, 11:54:47 AM »
Enjoyed reading everyone's responses.

Have a story/venting I felt worth sharing from yesterday...My brother tells me he recently bought and sold several computer monitors and "profited" $300. He follows this up by showing me his new $1,000 computer monitor and how great the color is. WTF? I didn't even know you could spend $1,000 on a monitor?!?!

Before leaving his house, he tells me he had a lot of dental work done recently and after insurance he is out of pocket $1,200 and says, " This sucks, so I had to put it on my credit card, which I don't like doing, but it's not a problem b/c I'll pay it off when I get my bonus ... NEXT YEAR".

I just walked out of his house even more confused than usual. Some people just don't make any sense.

jeff2017

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #19 on: July 24, 2018, 12:04:01 PM »
And I wanted to echo one of the other posters comments regarding their older sibling using the line of "You don't understand, you're not married". My brother has used that one on me when making dumb financial decisions and I try to help him/talk him out of it. Ex. He bought a stupid expensive diesel truck and multiple dogs, all of which were horrible financial decisions and he could not afford, but he throws me under the bus with that comment when I try to help him... Fast forward a few years, he comes to me asking for help/money for a down payment on a house. It's just...pathetic. Of course, I don't share these feelings with him, just vent them out here!

jeff2017

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #20 on: July 24, 2018, 12:08:18 PM »
I definitely have a polar opposite sibling, and I've always felt a little sad about it.

Even as children we didn't play together, didn't have much of a connection, and never developed a friendship.  We grew up together, our parents are still married, but we MAYBE send a happy new year text once a year, or occasionally like one another's FB posts.  Strange.

He's 4 years older than me and moved home with my parents when he was 32 or so for about 3 years.  He never paid them rent, and I don't think he fully made it out of debt before they kicked him out.  Yet he uses their attic to store HUNDREDS of unopened original star wars toys. 
 
One of the main reasons they finally kicked him back out was that they found him hiding Starbucks cups in the back trashcan when he'd agreed to pinch his pennies as much as possible that year to pay off some of his CC debt.  He bought Starbucks 7 days a week and was hiding them in the outside trash can. 
He loves massive TV's, is married and working toward kids, and is in poor health related to obesity. 
In terms of just those three: I've never owned a TV, I don't want kids, and I'm a former personal trainer (who yes, has fluffed up a little now that I'm in my 30's, but physical fitness is still one of my top priorities). 
These are not meant to be value judgements, I am not better than him- I have PLENTY of my own issues (hellooooo depression)... it's just interesting how different his issues are from mine.


I went home to visit a few months ago and it was really nice that he took some time out to drive to my parents house to visit me (he still lives in the same state), but the only thing we could seem to talk about were his pets because I adore animals and he seems to like them too -  he and his wife have two dogs and two cats.  Whenever we see each other it feels like pulling teeth to create conversation.  I don't think he's a bad person, but we just have no … I don't know... connection?  And never have.

I know this makes my mother in particular really sad.  She cries if she talks about it.. She wants to know why we aren't friends. 
I don't know what to say.

I've noticed with my brother, he never has asked how I am doing, about my life, etc. A universal rule though is people like to talk about themselves, so when in these situations and you don't want such oddness, just ask your sibling questions about themselves. How is the wife? How is their job going? How are the dogs? What have they been up to, hobbies? If they like sports, ask about sports. This will make it less odd.

socaso

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #21 on: July 24, 2018, 12:18:45 PM »
Well, here's at least one person who thinks their siblings have similarities! I have two siblings and I think all three of us have pretty similar attitudes towards money, we are all pretty careful with our money and have savings and don't really borrow from our parents (not that it's never happened but not much). We are all employed and all pretty big bargain hunters. We are more inclined to spend money on a few things we are interested in than have a flashy lifestyle. We have different interests but similar senses of humor and we make each other laugh a lot. I feel very fortunate when I think of my siblings. I just adore them.

civil4life

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #22 on: July 24, 2018, 12:25:26 PM »
So the typical middle child has lives in their parents basement and lives paycheck to paycheck? Paint with a broad brush much?
You may want to look up "typical" in the dictionary. Because your family sure doesn't qualify as the typical family in my experience. And I know quite a few people.

I agree that with that I was pointing the to more stereotypical attributes, but I know that they are just generalizations and by no means cover the whole of society.

She is the typical middle child more in personality.  She is a negotiator or peacekeeper.  She gets along with everyone and make friends easy.  She was the one that was a bit ignored or forgotten.  She could get away with not being around the family.

Me the oldest - Leader, responsible, achievement driven, etc.

Youngest - He was a bit of a trouble maker and my parents were more lenient with him, he got more attention, despite being an introvert he is the most social and can be the jokester

I agree that with that I was pointing the to more stereotypical attributes, but I know that they are just generalizations and by no means cover the whole of society.

draculawyer

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #23 on: July 24, 2018, 08:27:05 PM »
My brother and I are opposite in that we both have credit card debt but I am able to look at mine with brutal honesty and can identify the logical fallacies and bad habits that got me into the hole it will take me until 2019 to dig out of now that I’m running full steam ahead.

He has blinders on. He dismisses the idea that energy drinks are sapping up his money-“It’s $3, chill.” He doesn’t get that a purchase (like a $7,000 tool crate) is not useful unless he personally is going to use it, and will double down an adamantly argue that it’s “an investment” or “It’ll be good for something.” Anything on sale is a “good deal,” credit card debt aside. He insists that he’s just a redneck and likes to fix stuff and wear it out but refuses to be challenged on the fact that he has really expensive tastes, they just happen to be for camp gear and mechanical items.

We’re both grown adults and I don’t try to police his spending, but it’s honestly like talking to a brick wall.

Catbert

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #24 on: July 25, 2018, 01:10:11 PM »
I'm one of five siblings.  Many would see the differences among us:  education (1 Phd, 1 barely make it out of HS, others in between); alcohol/drugs (one now sober alcoholic/drug abuser, one teetotaler, one married to alcoholic, two moderate drinkers); occupations (college professor to factory worker to homemaker).  Lots of other surface variation.

But we have other underlying similarities.  Somehow our pro-life fairly religious mother managed to raise 5 pro-choice atheists.  None of us is at all sentimental, I mean at all.  (I was the executor of my parents estates and no one was interested in sentimental things like our parents wedding pictures).  We all have lousy hand-to-eye coordination.  None of us are competitive.  Even those of us who have been successful have done it more by hard work and loyalty than b/c we are competitive.

Goinganon

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #25 on: July 26, 2018, 10:17:49 PM »
I have lots of siblings (blended family galore as well as just wholly irresponsible parents) and I’m the least like any of my siblings. A few of my siblings have had/still have severe addiction issues. Several of my siblings run scams (at least one has been caught by the government and had fines of tens of thousands of dollars...this didn’t stop the behavior, it just shifted the scam). A couple have a college degree while most dropped out of high school/junior high. Nearly all of them had pregnancies and/or police involvement (spent time in jail, on probation, etc.) before the age of 20. One still lives at home as he is approaching mid 30s (he has never moved out and does not have any disability that necessitates him living in his parent’s home; he also has never held a job longer than a couple of months). Two have consistently worked and/or held stable jobs for more than six months at a time. One has a stable family life with a stable partner. In comparison...I have consistently worked and held a job, at times multiple jobs at once. I have multiple graduate degrees and my husband has a college degree. My husband and I have never had an unintended pregnancy and we waited until our late 20s-early 30s to have our children. We have never had any sort of police involvement in our lives. We are both emotionally and financially stable.

I am definitely the black sheep of the family. There are several siblings who have a lot in common with each other, but I have the least in common with any of them, except one sibling with whom I have a good deal in common.

debbie does duncan

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #26 on: July 29, 2018, 02:28:26 PM »
I too have a marked difference in my siblings. I also know why. We were raised by parents who suffered from generational trama. Our parents were taught that the drama they were raised in was OK. We learned nothing about respecting others , boundaries were unheard of in the home I was raised. Self care was limited and  suspiciousness was praised. Trust no one was the family motto.
The following links may help or send you down a rabbit hole of crazy.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/3davsm/tip_setting_boundaries/
https://i2.wp.com/gfx.bloggar.aftonbladet-cdn.se/wp-content/blogs.dir/393/files/2015/02/Karpman-Drama-Triangle-How-to-STOP-the-Drama1.jpg?zoom=2
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/31sztq/its_not_about_arguments_its_about_underlying/

iris lily

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #27 on: July 31, 2018, 10:18:59 AM »
Yes, totally.  I often wonder how we're from the same parents.  My older sister has always wanted a life of ease, status and glamour and tried her best to obtain it through a series of poorly chosen men.  She couldn't wait to finish school and took only 18 months of post-secondary training.  Unfortunately, this has not worked out for her, as although she has worked all her life, she is now slowly moving downwards in terms of finances and living accommodations, the men not having lived up to her hopes.  I have always seemed to pick the hard path and remained single by choice, with many years of university, a stable career and a solid financial footing.  She is intelligent and a very nice person, but just doesn't have good judgment when it comes to her own life.  Sadly, I can see the regret surface sometimes, when she isn't trying to make herself believe that everything is great, and she has said that she wishes she had gone to school like I did, when my parents begged her to.  My life hasn't always been a bed of roses either, but given the choice, I'll take mine.  I read once that "the easy way is the long way, the short way is the hard way" and that seems to sum things up nicely.

I never understood the women who, having decided a rich man was their star on which to hitch a ride, couldn't successfully identify those men. I mean, if that is your life goal, study it and learn about it.

I remember two sisters in my high school cadre, neither especially beautiful but always well groomed well dressed and socially smooth, openly talked about their life goal after high school to marry “rich.” Both of them ended up divorced in their 20’s with one of them reporting the spoise didnt really have money.

Neither od them were especially smart in school, and that carried that on into their later life, I guess. Perhaps their 2nd marriages were more successful in the gold digging arena.

I think they couldnt have identified real money if it stared them in the face, they were all about the flashing cash.

Where I am from the Midwest of decades ago,, real money was then not flashy, and everyone knew who had it. Now, that has probably changed.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2018, 10:21:15 AM by iris lily »

Pigeon

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #28 on: July 31, 2018, 12:02:48 PM »
I'm one of six kids and dh also comes from a very large family.  There's a range of personalities and belief systems.  We are are all pretty responsible about most things though.  I like most of them as people.  A few I don't like at all.

My dad and his brother were close in age, raised in a stable environment.  They were as different as two people can be.  Dad was a hard working, mustacian family man.  My uncle embezzled from his employer, lived way above his means and was a compulsive cheater.  Who knows why this happens.

Warlord1986

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #29 on: August 01, 2018, 09:08:00 AM »
My older brother spent more than ten years and doesn't have an associates. When I was a teenager I got calls from his debt collectors. He's on wife number three. He's made our father cry and he continues to make our mother cry. He has nothing saved and is likely still in debt and/or mooching off his wife.

I'm far from perfect, but I'm not a dirtbag either.

clarkfan1979

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #30 on: August 03, 2018, 09:56:40 AM »
Personality is mostly genetic. Even though you will share about 50% genetics with your sibling, chances are you will be more different than similar. Personality has less do to with the environment, but the environment does have some influence.

The personality of my mother and father are very different. That could be one reason why they divorced. My personality is very similar to my father. My brother's personality is very similar to my mother.

My parents got divorced when I was 7 and my younger brother was 4. I noticed that we had much less money when my parents split and were now paying two mortgages instead of one. My mother felt guilty and would try to spoil us. I was old enough to know to not ask for anything. My younger brother was too young to know what was going on. Like most young children he asked for the world and my mother tried her best to deliver.

It took my younger brother to reach age 35 before he became somewhat close of being financially independent of my parents. He gets a 6 year old used car for free from my parents every 3 years. My step-dad gets a new car every 3 years on a lease as part of his business. He then gives it to my mother. My mother will have it for 3 years and then gives it to my brother. My mother manages his rental property for free. The rental property was given to him for free.

At age 34 my brother gave me a hard sell on "investing" in Iraqi Dinar, which is their currency. It's going to re-value at 100 to 1, according to him. He doesn't know "when", but it's definitely going to happen at some point.

I replied, "LOL".

He replied, "I'm serious."

I replied, "I am too."




SunshineAZ

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #31 on: August 03, 2018, 11:08:56 AM »
I have a half-brother who is 7 years younger than me.  We were raised in the same house, but got treated very differently.  I was the smart responsible one who was given all the responsibility and my brother was given no responsibility and/or expectations.  My mom was the primary breadwinner and she worked a lot, and I picked up the slack.  Sadly, my brother still lives at home with my parents and has probably lived away from them less than 3 years total, he is 45 years old.  He was a drug addict (enabled by my mother), and has basically wasted his life.  He is sober now, but still doesn't do anything.  I don't know what is going to happen when my parents pass because he will probably end up homeless.  It makes me sad, but I gave up trying to motivate him a long time ago. 

Jenny1974

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #32 on: August 03, 2018, 11:45:39 AM »
Yep . . . my sister is dead . . . can't get any more "polar opposite" than that!!

I have a very sick sense of humor!

In all honesty, even before she died, we couldn't be more different.  I was always the responsible, reliable one.  I always did good in school, went to college (paid myself mostly), built a great career, never asked my folks for money.  My sister was an incredibly irresponsible, alcoholic, manipulative, dishonest . . . you name it, she probably did it!

clarkfan1979

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #33 on: August 03, 2018, 01:50:50 PM »
I too have a marked difference in my siblings. I also know why. We were raised by parents who suffered from generational trama. Our parents were taught that the drama they were raised in was OK. We learned nothing about respecting others , boundaries were unheard of in the home I was raised. Self care was limited and  suspiciousness was praised. Trust no one was the family motto.
The following links may help or send you down a rabbit hole of crazy.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/3davsm/tip_setting_boundaries/
https://i2.wp.com/gfx.bloggar.aftonbladet-cdn.se/wp-content/blogs.dir/393/files/2015/02/Karpman-Drama-Triangle-How-to-STOP-the-Drama1.jpg?zoom=2
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/31sztq/its_not_about_arguments_its_about_underlying/

This sounds very similar to my mother, but definitely polar opposite of my father. One of my close friends is a therapist and he suggested that she probably has paranoid personality disorder. It can never be cured. Only managed.

Duchess of Stratosphear

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #34 on: August 03, 2018, 02:44:40 PM »
I too have a marked difference in my siblings. I also know why. We were raised by parents who suffered from generational trama. Our parents were taught that the drama they were raised in was OK. We learned nothing about respecting others , boundaries were unheard of in the home I was raised. Self care was limited and  suspiciousness was praised. Trust no one was the family motto.
The following links may help or send you down a rabbit hole of crazy.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/3davsm/tip_setting_boundaries/
https://i2.wp.com/gfx.bloggar.aftonbladet-cdn.se/wp-content/blogs.dir/393/files/2015/02/Karpman-Drama-Triangle-How-to-STOP-the-Drama1.jpg?zoom=2
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/31sztq/its_not_about_arguments_its_about_underlying/

I totally fell down that black hole for about half an hour. I complain about my childhood (and there are legit things to complain about), but those reddit threads make me feel pretty lucky.

stashja

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #35 on: August 03, 2018, 08:29:15 PM »
No kidding. My brother, eternal “student” aka 35goingon15, just set off for a weeklong Caribbean vacation with his girlfriend-of-the-year, all airfare paid by my parents’ frequent flyer miles. He’s doing this because he has a week gap between his old and new apartment leases and so is “homeless.” (Girlfriend has her own place, but it’s 3 hours away, so...)

dodojojo

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #36 on: August 06, 2018, 06:43:35 PM »
My brother has been in debt all his adult life.  Up until recently he lived off my mom.  He's also opened at least one credit card in her name.  I told my mom but she did nothing but yell at him and only told him to pay off the card.  I'm now concerned he's doing something with her bank account.

I'm not the most MMM person in the world but let's just say I haven't done any of the above (aside from student debt--voluntarily, the interest is so low I choose to not pay off with a lump sum). 

e34bb098

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #37 on: August 07, 2018, 10:53:43 AM »
I dunno about polar opposite, but my youngest brother ("YB") used to be pretty different.  He had a high income (low six figures) and blew through it.  Different hobbies every couple of months, and he always had to have top-of-the-line stuff.  Mountain bikes!  Wakeboards!  RC cars!  Guns!

Had a BMW, a crotch-rocket style sport bike, a decent house, and a ton of CC debt.  Then he knocked up his then-girlfriend and broke up with her.  His kid's mom asked for a really small amount of child support, like $750/month or something.  My brother calculated that she didn't need that much and said that she could have $400/month, or nothing.  Our other sibling tried to warn him that $750 was getting off easy, but YB has a stubborn streak.  So baby-momma took him to court, and was awarded almost $3000/month.

YB then reunited with an old flame and they got married.  She has three kids from a previous marriage, then they had one more together.  Of course with five kids around (even if four are custody-shared with the other parents) their current house was way too small, so they had to move into a much bigger house, that is also new and custom-built.

Culturally he's pretty different too -- your typical gamut of right-wing conservative religious opinions, although he's not a jerk about it.

We have a good relationship despite all that.  He's started to come around recently -- cancelled his cable and I think he sold most of his old hobby stuff.  He is probably not ready to do the more Mustachian hacks around food, phones, bike commuting, etc.  Maybe someday, but for right now I suspect he's too tied to creature comforts.

On the all-too-rare occasions we get to hang out, we bond over microbrews and board games.  I love the chucklehead, but man-oh-man did his past self hamstring his current/future selves.  He's a good guy -- pays his taxes, never been to jail, is friendly and kind (although the child support payments still get his goat).  Unfortunately even with his income he's probably not going to be able to not live paycheck-to-paycheck until the kids start turning 18.  Especially the child-support one.

Nickyd£g

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Re: Anyone Else have Polar Opposite Siblings?
« Reply #38 on: August 08, 2018, 06:15:37 AM »
My brother is an on-again, off-again drug user with a trail of human wreckage in his wake.
Whoa are you me?

Mine too! Complete opposite of me, he has consistently made very poor life choices. Has no savings, retirement plan, spends every penny he gets and sees nothing wrong in playing the system. Even as a child, I did ask my mum if I was adopted...