Would you rather? Mustachian Edition

[simple money]

Would you rather...

1) Turn on the heat when you are cold OR just be cold/layer to save some money?

2) Call a repair person to fix something OR Attempt to fix it yourself?

3) Would you rather save empty cans to return for 5 cents each OR Throw them in trash/recycle bin?

4) Repair a rip and continue to wear the article of clothing OR Buy a new one and throw the torn one away?

5) Hang clothes to dry for free OR put clothes in the dryer @ $5 per load?

6) Valentines day. I'll buy a gift for my partner from a store OR My partner does not expect a gift from me that is bought.

7) Halloween Party. Buy costume OR Put something together I already have?

8) Neighborhood kid is knocking at your door selling something useless. Do you Hide OR Answer but you have to buy?

9) $5,000 is given to you. Would you go on a vacation OR put it in savings account?

10) You have been traveling all day, you are starved. Do you stop at over-priced restaurant now OR wait 3 hours until you get home?

11) Would you rather your spouse cheats on you or they secretly lost all your money at the casino?

12) I make my own coffee/drinks OR I buy them?

I made this quiz after reading a financial infidelity discussion on this board. I realized that money saving mustachians are a rare breed and can not expect our partners to be that way. My husband would have the opposite answer from me on every question above. When you think about it, it's "normal" to turn on the heat when cold or call a repair person when something breaks. No wonder our spouses have to hide spending on pleasures in life that we don't understand.

[mspym]

OK, I'll try this one. We are pretty aligned in terms of values and behaviours. The ex is the ex primarily because of divergence in financial values, and we all ended up with someone who is more closely aligned.

1) Turn on the heat when you are cold OR just be cold/layer to save some money? We layer up
2) Call a repair person to fix something OR Attempt to fix it yourself? Depends - if it's a house problem, call the landlord to fix it, otherwise try fix it ourselves
3) Would you rather save empty cans to return for 5 cents each OR Throw them in trash/recycle bin? Recycle, i.e. donate to the people who come around and collect cans for the money
4) Repair a rip and continue to wear the article of clothing OR Buy a new one and throw the torn one away? Repair and continue to wear
5) Hang clothes to dry for free OR put clothes in the dryer @ $5 per load? Hang out the clothes
6) Valentines day. I'll buy a gift for my partner from a store OR My partner does not expect a gift from me that is bought. We don't do Valentines day
7) Halloween Party. Buy costume OR Put something together I already have? Put something together
8) Neighborhood kid is knocking at your door selling something useless. Do you Hide OR Answer but you have to buy? Answer the door
9) $5,000 is given to you. Would you go on a vacation OR put it in savings account? Savings
10) You have been traveling all day, you are starved. Do you stop at over-priced restaurant now OR wait 3 hours until you get home? Restaurant
11) Would you rather your spouse cheats on you or they secretly lost all your money at the casino? Genuinely can't see either happen, I guess the first one?
12) I make my own coffee/drinks OR I buy them? Make our own

The only answers I haven't pulled from our actual behaviours are #8 and #11

[ender]

Would you rather...

1) Turn on the heat when you are cold OR just be cold/layer to save some money?

We kept our place in college in the low 60s.

Now, I have a family so it's higher - I think 67 now.

2) Call a repair person to fix something OR Attempt to fix it yourself?

Both, when appropriate.

3) Would you rather save empty cans to return for 5 cents each OR Throw them in trash/recycle bin?

Ugh this is one of my biggest pet peeves, the effort there was not worth it and our trash company separated anyways.

4) Repair a rip and continue to wear the article of clothing OR Buy a new one and throw the torn one away?

Why not fix them?

5) Hang clothes to dry for free OR put clothes in the dryer @ $5 per load?

Uh I guess hang the clothes if it's $5?

6) Valentines day. I'll buy a gift for my partner from a store OR My partner does not expect a gift from me that is bought.

Shrug.

7) Halloween Party. Buy costume OR Put something together I already have?

I've mostly made costumes.

8) Neighborhood kid is knocking at your door selling something useless. Do you Hide OR Answer but you have to buy?

"No thank you."

9) $5,000 is given to you. Would you go on a vacation OR put it in savings account?

VTSAX?

10) You have been traveling all day, you are starved. Do you stop at over-priced restaurant now OR wait 3 hours until you get home?

Be sad about my poor planning.

11) Would you rather your spouse cheats on you or they secretly lost all your money at the casino?

well, both are cheating in a way to I guess the former since it has less damage?

12) I make my own coffee/drinks OR I buy them?

I roast my own coffee so uh...

[maizefolk]

Going through your list made me realize a lot of my personal flavor mustachianism boils down to being lazy and not in a relationship.

1) I need heat to avoid frozen pipes, but definitely keep it low enough to justify wearing warm clothes.
2) First, procrastinate doing anything about the breakage for as long as I can get away with it.
3) I don't return empty cans, but basically never drink out of them while home. When I was at the office I just tossed them into recycling. Did you know only 10 states even have deposits you get get refunded (eight at $0.05/can and 2 at $0.10/can)?
4) Assuming it's not something like a split crotch, probably just keep wearing it with the tear.
5) Own a more energy efficient clothes drier that costs much less than $5/run.
6) Be single.
7) Old enough I don't get invited to costume parties anymore
8) This doesn't really seem to happen in my neighborhood or it may just be my house.
9) Invest in the stock market, don't leave it sitting in cash.
10) Relatively less expensive junk food? (Not great for health, so I try to plan ahead.)
11) See #6.
12) I mean I don't grow coffee beans from scratch, but a jar of instant coffee lasts a long time as costs me about $0.10/day on the days I drink it (only on work days, I don't drink coffee on my days off).

[Zikoris]

1) Crank the heat. We're both cold-blooded and like our home hotter than hell. BURN BABY BURN!

2) Call a repair person, because I guaranteed would fuck it up way worse. But if my dad was in town I'd ask him to look at it.

3) Return the bottles.

4) Fix the clothing. Buying new clothes is mostly evil in this day and age given the realities of the clothing industry. The exceptions are secondhand clothing and the expensive ethical brands.

5) I've always hung clothing to dry, so I definitely wouldn't pay money yo fix something not broken.

6) My boyfriend doesn't care about Valentine's day or want anything. I demand quality chocolate and only quality chocolate.

7) I have a bumblebee costume that's been my go-to for many years of dressing up, like 10+. If I needed something specific, I'd check the local thrift stores.

8) Hide from the kid, I wouldn't want to buy whatever they would be selling anyways.

9) I'd put the $5,000 in investments, but only because I already budget 10K for vacations and would have already pre-booked everything for the year (both the trips and all my vacation time off work).

10) If I was starving I'd eat at the expensive restaurant because being hungry for too long gives me low blood pressure. More likely I'd grab some chips or something to tide me over.

11) I'd rather he cheated than spend all my money.

12) I buy soda and soy milk but make tea myself and drink water from the tap. So I guess 50/50? If I had to pick one, I'd go with making the drinks for environmental reasons.

[Freedomin5]

1) Turn on the heat when you are cold OR just be cold/layer to save some money?

Layer, and then turn on the heat if it’s not warm enough. I refuse to wear my winter jacket inside my home.

2) Call a repair person to fix something OR Attempt to fix it yourself?

Repair man. It’s free for us and is included in our rent. Plus if I attempt to fix and end up breaking it, I have to replace it for the landlord.

3) Would you rather save empty cans to return for 5 cents each OR Throw them in trash/recycle bin?

Recycle. The trashpicker needs the money more than we do.

4) Repair a rip and continue to wear the article of clothing OR Buy a new one and throw the torn one away?

Wear it with a rip if it’s not noticeable. Fix it if it’s a small rip. Throw it away if it’s a large rip.

5) Hang clothes to dry for free OR put clothes in the dryer @ $5 per load?

Hang clothes to dry.

6) Valentines day. I'll buy a gift for my partner from a store OR My partner does not expect a gift from me that is bought.

We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.

7) Halloween Party. Buy costume OR Put something together I already have?

We don’t celebrate Halloween.

8) Neighborhood kid is knocking at your door selling something useless. Do you Hide OR Answer but you have to buy?

Open the door and say “no, thanks”.

9) $5,000 is given to you. Would you go on a vacation OR put it in savings account?

Savings/investments

10) You have been traveling all day, you are starved. Do you stop at over-priced restaurant now OR wait 3 hours until you get home?

Find a more reasonably priced restaurant. Or buy a few snacks to tide me over.

11) Would you rather your spouse cheats on you or they secretly lost all your money at the casino?

Lost all our money. I can always earn more money.

12) I make my own coffee/drinks OR I buy them?

Make my own.

[cool7hand]

1) Turn on the heat when you are cold OR just be cold/layer to save some money? Bundle up down to 64F.

2) Call a repair person to fix something OR Attempt to fix it yourself? Always attempt it first

3) Would you rather save empty cans to return for 5 cents each OR Throw them in trash/recycle bin? Save cans

4) Repair a rip and continue to wear the article of clothing OR Buy a new one and throw the torn one away? Repair it unless the tear limits the item's utility (e.g., rip in fishing rain wear)

5) Hang clothes to dry for free OR put clothes in the dryer @ $5 per load? hang

6) Valentines day. I'll buy a gift for my partner from a store OR My partner does not expect a gift from me that is bought. Write a note

7) Halloween Party. Buy costume OR Put something together I already have? Something I already have

8) Neighborhood kid is knocking at your door selling something useless. Do you Hide OR Answer but you have to buy? Children don't have to live by my belief system to be entitled to help. Most often, I'll just give money and ask the kids to purchase something for that amount of money and give it to charity.

9) $5,000 is given to you. Would you go on a vacation OR put it in savings account? Given that we are FIRE+ already, who knows?

10) You have been traveling all day, you are starved. Do you stop at over-priced restaurant now OR wait 3 hours until you get home? We packed snacks so that we wouldn't be tempted to spend.

11) Would you rather your spouse cheats on you or they secretly lost all your money at the casino? These are both a type of cheating and would be equally upsetting. If the question is asking whether losing love or losing money is worse, losing love is worse.

12) I make my own coffee/drinks OR I buy them? We drink water, although we do buy quality liquor to drink once in a while.

[Metalcat]

Would you rather...

1) Turn on the heat when you are cold OR just be cold/layer to save some money?
We live in a small apartment, it's incredibly cheap to keep it a comfortable temperature.

2) Call a repair person to fix something OR Attempt to fix it yourself?
Depends on if I feel like trying to fix it.

3) Would you rather save empty cans to return for 5 cents each OR Throw them in trash/recycle bin?
Recycle

4) Repair a rip and continue to wear the article of clothing OR Buy a new one and throw the torn one away?
Depends on the article of clothing. An expensive weather proof cycling jacket? Repair. A replaceable cotton item? Nope.

5) Hang clothes to dry for free OR put clothes in the dryer @ $5 per load?
I hang the clothes I care about keeping in good condition. I dry the rest. Most of my clothes are merino wool, so I hang dry almost everything.

6) Valentines day. I'll buy a gift for my partner from a store OR My partner does not expect a gift from me that is bought.
We don't do gifts for holidays. We talk through all of our purchases and buy whatever we want when we want it. I get A LOT of flowers though, like, all the time.

7) Halloween Party. Buy costume OR Put something together I already have?
Depends on what the plans are, but we have super comfy matching lion onesies that we typically go with because late October is fucking cold here. If we're hitting up a huge party, we'll do more interesting costumes, but I enjoy making costumes, mine are way better than prepackaged store bought costumes.

8) Neighborhood kid is knocking at your door selling something useless. Do you Hide OR Answer but you have to buy?
This doesn't happen here.

9) $5,000 is given to you. Would you go on a vacation OR put it in savings account?
I already have my vacation paid for. Or are you asking if I'll take an additional vacation because of this money?

10) You have been traveling all day, you are starved. Do you stop at over-priced restaurant now OR wait 3 hours until you get home?
If I'm tired, I'm not in the mood for an over priced restaurant. I'll grab a sandwich or a muffin or something cheap and easy.

11) Would you rather your spouse cheats on you or they secretly lost all your money at the casino?
Uh, fucking neither. I'm out in either scenario.

12) I make my own coffee/drinks OR I buy them?
Who are these people who don't need coffee until they've already left the house. I don't think they understand how caffeine works???

I made this quiz after reading a financial infidelity discussion on this board. I realized that money saving mustachians are a rare breed and can not expect our partners to be that way. My husband would have the opposite answer from me on every question above. When you think about it, it's "normal" to turn on the heat when cold or call a repair person when something breaks. No wonder our spouses have to hide spending on pleasures in life that we don't understand.

I'm actually a little horrified by the conclusion you've come to. It's okay for our spouses to lie to us and hide spending from us because we're weird??

What the actual fuck?

No, just fucking no.
I brought frugality into my home, but I talked through each step of it with DH along the way. Everything we tried, we tried as an experiment together to see what worked for us. We've tried and abandoned many money saving behaviours along the way and grown to understand each other incredibly well.

There are some things I liked that he hated, I asked him to just try a less expensive (but still high quality) coffee bean, and he did and hated it so much he gave them away to our neighbour.

He's comfortable with it much colder, but I bluntly said I'm not getting naked in a cold house and he immediately saw the benefit of my preferences.

It's a give and take, a constant evolving conversation.
Your presupposition seems to be that we're a bunch of dogmatic, controlling, inflexible spending Nazis who aren't capable of mature communication with our own partners, so it's reasonable for them to engage in outright deception so they can buy a burger when they're hungry.

I can't even wrap my mind around that being your interpretation of our community.

[Dicey]

I liked @Malcat's conclusions so much that I'm quoting her list and inserting my own responses to your list of questions.

Would you rather...

1) Turn on the heat when you are cold OR just be cold/layer to save some money?
Both. We rarely run the A/C in the summer, so we don't have to freeze our assets off in the winter. We like dressing in layers and we live in a temperate climate, which helps.

2) Call a repair person to fix something OR Attempt to fix it yourself?
Both. We have mad DIY skills, but we know our limits.

3) Would you rather save empty cans to return for 5 cents each OR Throw them in trash/recycle bin?
We live in a state that charges the fee, but has no convenient recycling centers. We buy as little as possible in packaging that triggers deposits. The curbside recyclers donate at least a portion of that deposit money back to the community. Where we live, there are fancy solar powered, bluetooth enabled (to show when they need to be emptied) trashcans all over our downtown, paid for with these funds, for the benefit of all. Lots of benches made of recycled materials are paid for this way too.

4) Repair a rip and continue to wear the article of clothing OR Buy a new one and throw the torn one away?
Depends. I have mad sewing skills. DH thinks it's hilarious that I mend his socks.

5) Hang clothes to dry for free OR put clothes in the dryer @ $5 per load?
I prefer to dry for a few minutes, then shake out and hang to finish. Dryer doesn't cost $5/load here.

6) Valentines day. I'll buy a gift for my partner from a store OR My partner does not expect a gift from me that is bought.
We typically don't do unplanned gifts for holidays. Dollar Store cards are our go-to.

7) Halloween Party. Buy costume OR Put something together I already have?
Been married eight years, haven't done a costume party yet.

8) Neighborhood kid is knocking at your door selling something useless. Do you Hide OR Answer but you have to buy?
I used to hate this. I would write a small check directly to the school instead of buying overpriced crap. Now, I look forward to it. I created a "Random Asks" category in the budget. Any time someone gives me a good pitch, I donate $100 to their cause. It actually makes me anticipate/enjoy the process. The budget line item is $1000. Anything unspent at year-end goes to a pet charity. Except that Post-FIRE, I don't have an actual hard budget, but I still give $100 to just about anyone with a creative approach. Related: DH is a crazy good tipper. I figured if he was generous with strangers, he'd be generous with me, and he is. Love that man!

9) $5,000 is given to you. Would you go on a vacation OR put it in savings account?
Both. We just took our first pandemic-style vacation. It cost well below $1k, so there would still be plenty left to dump into investments. Whoops! See that? I said investments, not savings. That's what you meant, right?

10) You have been traveling all day, you are starved. Do you stop at over-priced restaurant now OR wait 3 hours until you get home?
Stopping at a restaurant is going to slow down the homeward journey, so we'll grab something from a store (more likely) or do a reasonably healthy (rare) fast food grab and keep going.

11) Would you rather your spouse cheats on you or they secretly lost all your money at the casino?
Uh, I make DH's happiness a priority, and I absolutely chose him (in part) because he's not a cheating type. Also, our money is invested in such a way that neither of us could completely clean out the other. Not by design, mostly because we each had assets when we wed.

12) I make my own coffee/drinks OR I buy them?
We don't drink coffee or sodas and drink minimal alcohol. We're not quite tee-totallers, but close. The only booze i can remember buying with any frequency is Kirkland Vodka, for making vanilla. We have a built-in wine fridge that came with the house, but the contents are all gifts/left over from some event/totally random.

I made this quiz after reading a financial infidelity discussion on this board. I realized that money saving mustachians are a rare breed and can not expect our partners to be that way. My husband would have the opposite answer from me on every question above. When you think about it, it's "normal" to turn on the heat when cold or call a repair person when something breaks. No wonder our spouses have to hide spending on pleasures in life that we don't understand.

I'm actually a little horrified by the conclusion you've come to. It's okay for our spouses to lie to us and hide spending from us because we're weird??

What the actual fuck?

No, just fucking no.
I brought frugality into my home, but I talked through each step of it with DH along the way. Everything we tried, we tried as an experiment together to see what worked for us. We've tried and abandoned many money saving behaviours along the way and grown to understand each other incredibly well.

There are some things I liked that he hated, I asked him to just try a less expensive (but still high quality) coffee bean, and he did and hated it so much he gave them away to our neighbour.

He's comfortable with it much colder, but I bluntly said I'm not getting naked in a cold house and he immediately saw the benefit of my preferences.

It's a give and take, a constant evolving conversation.
Your presupposition seems to be that we're a bunch of dogmatic, controlling, inflexible spending Nazis who aren't capable of mature communication with our own partners, so it's reasonable for them to engage in outright deception so they can buy a burger when they're hungry.

I can't even wrap my mind around that being your interpretation of our community.

Dicey again: DH is NOT mustachian by mustachian standards. He is confident in his ability to make money, and he has a clear understanding of wants vs. needs. He doesn't want for much and he's a master of CL arbitrage when he does need something. I never question anything he spends money on, because I know he's done the research. He did buy a brand-new truck once, but it was for his business. He's no longer self-employed, but he still has the truck. It's a 2002, with just shy of 100k miles on it and still looks like new. That's my "non-mustachian" guy!

OP, the fact that you can't trust your husband is the key takeaway of this thread. What was it about him that made you choose him for a spouse? Examining that would probably be more helpful to you than reading stories of financial infidelity on this forum* and starting polls like this.

*As you might guess by my post count, I spend a shitload of time here, and I have no idea what financial infidelity thread  you're referring to. Not sure I want to know. Shit like this always makes me want to stand on a chair, shake my fists and shout, "Why the fuck did you marry them?", which totally isn't helpful.

[Zikoris]

I think for me the biggest issue with someone stealth-spending would come down to values. I'm not even just talking about the dishonesty involved - for me, the reasons I don't buy this or that are almost entirely non-financial and a result of deeply held values and beliefs. Shared values are really important to me in a relationship. For example:

Buying coffee or takeout in non-reusable, non-biodegradable containers with any regularity tells me you don't care about the massive amount of garbage that produces, particularly the type of garbage that basically never ever breaks down (plastic-lined coffee cups, etc). I get that emergencies happen where you need food now and the only options are in plastic, but it should truly be a dire emergency sort of situation.

Buying normal new clothes versus secondhand, repaired, or sustainable tells me you don't care about the massive impact fast fashion has on the developing world.

Buying animal products tells me you're okay with the horrible conditions the vast majority of animals are raised in.

These are huge glaring incompatibilities in core beliefs. If I was with someone who was essentially faking an entire set of moral values, I would really want to know that so I could end things immediately.

[simple money]

"I'm actually a little horrified by the conclusion you've come to. It's okay for our spouses to lie to us and hide spending from us because we're weird??"

I'm not looking for controversy or saying anything is wrong with this community. I just thought it was interesting to see how different people can be with spending and my "would you rather" is 100% opposite from my spouse. Maybe other people are the same. I think the financial infidelity posts to someone in this community will not get the same perspective as most people.

I love my spouse, we have fun, get along and we are happy together. He was hiding spending from me because he knew I wouldn't understand him buying wine, tickets,etc...which is true. We have since worked through it and I can see the perspective of someone that enjoys spending without having to explain or feel guilty about it. I don't pick apart my partners spending anymore and he is honest with spending. It all worked out and we have found a system that works for us. He has even come around to saving and changing how he felt about it before.

Most guys I know don't understand how a woman can spend what they do on hair, nails, clothes, housewares. I don't get how my husband spends on tickets, wine and eating out but if these pleasures make life a little bit better for them, it's not a horrible thing.

[Dicey]

"I'm actually a little horrified by the conclusion you've come to. It's okay for our spouses to lie to us and hide spending from us because we're weird??"

I'm not looking for controversy or saying anything is wrong with this community. I just thought it was interesting to see how different people can be with spending and my "would you rather" is 100% opposite from my spouse. Maybe other people are the same. I think the financial infidelity posts to someone in this community will not get the same perspective as most people.

I love my spouse, we have fun, get along and we are happy together. He was hiding spending from me because he knew I wouldn't understand him buying wine, tickets,etc...which is true. We have since worked through it and I can see the perspective of someone that enjoys spending without having to explain or feel guilty about it. I don't pick apart my partners spending anymore and he is honest with spending. It all worked out and we have found a system that works for us. He has even come around to saving and changing how he felt about it before.

Most guys I know don't understand how a woman can spend what they do on hair, nails, clothes, housewares. I don't get how my husband spends on tickets, wine and eating out but if these pleasures make life a little bit better for them, it's not a horrible thing.

Yeah, information that might have been useful in your original post...

[Metalcat]

"I'm actually a little horrified by the conclusion you've come to. It's okay for our spouses to lie to us and hide spending from us because we're weird??"

I'm not looking for controversy or saying anything is wrong with this community. I just thought it was interesting to see how different people can be with spending and my "would you rather" is 100% opposite from my spouse. Maybe other people are the same. I think the financial infidelity posts to someone in this community will not get the same perspective as most people.

I love my spouse, we have fun, get along and we are happy together. He was hiding spending from me because he knew I wouldn't understand him buying wine, tickets,etc...which is true. We have since worked through it and I can see the perspective of someone that enjoys spending without having to explain or feel guilty about it. I don't pick apart my partners spending anymore and he is honest with spending. It all worked out and we have found a system that works for us. He has even come around to saving and changing how he felt about it before.

Most guys I know don't understand how a woman can spend what they do on hair, nails, clothes, housewares. I don't get how my husband spends on tickets, wine and eating out but if these pleasures make life a little bit better for them, it's not a horrible thing.

Yeah, information that might have been useful in your original post...

OP's story was incredibly alarming when she first told it here, but I'm thrilled she and her husband have worked things out and that he is no longer secretive and defensive about that secrecy.

The financial infidelity thread she's talking about is a very different situation where a wife racked up 50K in credit card debt, was found out, swore she would never hide spending again, and then her poor husband just discovered that she's doing it again.

I don't see any excuse for that kind of behaviour.

A couple can have very different spending priorities and handle that in a thousand different ways that don't involve lying. It's really simple: having separate finances, having their own "fun money" that the other one has no say on how they spend it, etc, etc. Endless ways in which couples can agree to accommodate each other's needs WITHOUT LYING.

There's also a huge difference between a couple where they've never talked about spending in detail and one or both partners spends and doesn't disclose everything because they worry about being judged VS someone who swears they will be transparent about all of their spending and then chooses to hide it anyway.

[Dicey]

"I'm actually a little horrified by the conclusion you've come to. It's okay for our spouses to lie to us and hide spending from us because we're weird??"

I'm not looking for controversy or saying anything is wrong with this community. I just thought it was interesting to see how different people can be with spending and my "would you rather" is 100% opposite from my spouse. Maybe other people are the same. I think the financial infidelity posts to someone in this community will not get the same perspective as most people.

I love my spouse, we have fun, get along and we are happy together. He was hiding spending from me because he knew I wouldn't understand him buying wine, tickets,etc...which is true. We have since worked through it and I can see the perspective of someone that enjoys spending without having to explain or feel guilty about it. I don't pick apart my partners spending anymore and he is honest with spending. It all worked out and we have found a system that works for us. He has even come around to saving and changing how he felt about it before.

Most guys I know don't understand how a woman can spend what they do on hair, nails, clothes, housewares. I don't get how my husband spends on tickets, wine and eating out but if these pleasures make life a little bit better for them, it's not a horrible thing.

Yeah, information that might have been useful in your original post...

OP's story was incredibly alarming when she first told it here, but I'm thrilled she and her husband have worked things out and that he is no longer secretive and defensive about that secrecy.

The financial infidelity thread she's talking about is a very different situation where a wife racked up 50K in credit card debt, was found out, swore she would never hide spending again, and then her poor husband just discovered that she's doing it again.

I don't see any excuse for that kind of behaviour.

A couple can have very different spending priorities and handle that in a thousand different ways that don't involve lying. It's really simple: having separate finances, having their own "fun money" that the other one has no say on how they spend it, etc, etc. Endless ways in which couples can agree to accommodate each other's needs WITHOUT LYING.

There's also a huge difference between a couple where they've never talked about spending in detail and one or both partners spends and doesn't disclose everything because they worry about being judged VS someone who swears they will be transparent about all of their spending and then chooses to hide it anyway.

I totally agree with you, @Malcat. I just found that other thread and posted something roughly along these lines, based on a family member's experience.

[TomTX]

Would you rather...

8) Neighborhood kid is knocking at your door selling something useless. Do you Hide OR Answer but you have to buy?

Um, is this supposed to be a post-pandemic scenario? I simply don't answer the door currently.