Author Topic: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues  (Read 5090 times)

CatDog

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Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« on: February 17, 2019, 01:46:21 PM »
Hello All, I am new here, but not new to frugality. My situation is this, my father passed away last year after a several year battle with alzheimers. I miss him dearly and have many regrets over the last years of his life, even though I visited him as much as I could, but I lived farther away than my siblings did, so they were probably closer to him. My mother died over 10 years ago. They both treated us equally growing up and even as adults. My dad was a life long farmer and a tightwad and saver and that's where I got it from I suppose.

 Here are the issues. My oldest sibling was left the family home. She knew about it for 10 years, saying mom wanted her to have it. Dad put it in his will 5 years ago, never telling the other siblings about it. Dad said over the last few years that my sister was going to build a house on the family land, and I asked her several times if it were true, and she just said "I don't know, maybe". If she knew she was inheriting the house, why not just tell us so?  There are just so many things that we disagree on, and both of my sisters are on the same side, which leaves me on the outs with them.

He had 300 acres of land, which is rented and producing an income of around $60,000, minus expenses. I am debating selling my portion, which makes both of them very upset with me. I understand their point of view, but I guess I am just looking at the financial side of it. They both want to keep it to leave to their children.

 Then there's the issue of what to do with all the household possessions. I suggested letting each of us pick a couple things we wanted and auctioning the rest, or selling on buy/sell sites. That is what my mom did with her parents house, so I figured we would do things the same way. The sibling that got the house wants to divide everything up, keeping as much as possible. No decision was ever made so after we talked about it, I called an auctioneer, just to get an estimate of what they would charge. Big Mistake!!! I let her know I called the auctioneer, didn't make an appointment, just called. She immediately went to the other sister and talked about how I "just wanted my money and wanted it now!" Which is very untrue. And I told her as much. We had an appointment to meet and get things rolling so I could "get my money". Then it was cancelled. Which is fine with me because I'm not looking forward to their accusations.

 We are all financially secure in our lives, as far as I know. We all own our homes and have good paying jobs. Dad left us each over $100,000, which I am so grateful to him for. I never thought it would come to this after he died, and I am sick over it all. I have had many sleepless nights and anxious stress filled days just thinking about everything. I have probably said some things that made me sound greedy and money hungry, but I really don't mean to be that way.

 Any thoughts, advice, suggestions, on what you would do or how can I get over these feelings I have? I think I have permanently destroyed my relationship with my sisters.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 08:39:10 AM by CatDog »

SKL-HOU

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2019, 02:25:52 PM »
You do sound like you are after the money. You even started off your post with a justification. Why not just wait a little while before selling off everything (anything in the house and the land)?

markbike528CBX

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2019, 02:37:42 PM »
I would let things settle fo a bit.
 During the wait, I'd read the inheritance thread to see that your situation is far from out-of-hand. And maybe see some suggestions on how do do things and what actions to avoid.

Would you get any of the farm annual income 60k?  If not then the sisters could buy you out. Selling the land to outsiders is not the best course, as they've made it clear that the land should stay in the family.
 

Link https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/antimustachian-wall-of-shame-and-comedy/inheritance-drama-you-got-any-stories-wanted/
« Last Edit: February 17, 2019, 02:43:34 PM by markbike528CBX »

Dee

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2019, 02:38:38 PM »
Maybe acknowledge how certain gestures may given the wrong impression, clarify that you didn't mean to rush any sales or anything else, but that you are willing to play a role in helping with the sale of contents IF that's what's decided... basically just tell your siblings what you are saying here... that you are fine financially, and have no particular need to rush anything. And give your siblings some time and space to grieve before proceeding any further. Of course, you will be free to do as you please with your share of the land and may proceed to sell it as quickly as you want (if that's what you decide you want) but maybe keep those plans to yourself for a bit of time if everything is still fresh. And certainly speak up if there are household contents you *do* want to keep for yourself. Sorry your gestures are being misperceived. Relationships are hard, especially during a period of intense grieving.

AMandM

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2019, 08:18:43 AM »
All my sympathy on the loss of your father.

Just a thought, based on how I might feel in your shoes: Are you perhaps feeling some urgency not to receive the money itself but to take action, accomplish the next step, get things settled?  From your sisters' point of view, that would look like you just want the money ASAP.

Quote
I think I have permanently destroyed my relationship with my sisters, and that makes me feel worse than anything else.

In that case, I agree with Dee and I think you should stop talking to them about any inheritance-related issues and address the relationship. Tell them how sorry you are, tell them that you understand why they see you as caring only about getting money quickly even though you don't feel that way, tell them that being on good terms with them matters more to you than any land or money or furniture.  Then sit on your hands about the estate--don't make any calls, ask any questions, request anything, suggest anything, sell anything, etc. Show your sisters by your actions that you aren't after the money.

Since you don't have any urgent need for your inheritance, put up gracefully with the delay in receiving it.  A delay like that can be frustrating to someone like me who likes to check boxes and cross things off lists. But think of it as the trade-off for preserving family amity, and remember that your sisters' way of doing things is not necessarily worse than yours, just different. For one example, since they lived closer to your father and presumably spent more time in his house, parting with his things may well be harder for them than for you.


Abe

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2019, 10:54:47 PM »
This is a tough time for you and your siblings. I think part of your feelings are anxiety, which is a common manifestation of grief. Your siblings may be having similar emotional sensitivity and pushing a timeline they aren't comfortable with will not help anyone. If the sibling who gets the house wants to keep it filled with your father's stuff long term, then that's their logistic nightmare to deal with. More likely, as their emotional connection to the stuff softens, they may reconsider. It doesn't seem you need money from the sale of his stuff and anything that's worth selling won't depreciate in value noticeably over several months. When your siblings are ready to discuss auctioning, then it will be an appropriate time to re-visit auctioning the estate. In addition, an auction needs trust between the sellers along with trust between the sellers and auctioneer. It seems like neither of these are present currently, so let everyone's feeling recover before re-visiting this issue.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 10:59:20 PM by Abe »

iris lily

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2019, 11:55:00 AM »
Where is your farmland?

We are going thru a family farm inheritence with those who do not want to sell and those who do. Yours sounds like a multi-million dollar estate with the house being the least of it.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2019, 08:43:45 PM by iris lily »

JoJo

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2019, 01:22:57 PM »
I know that I'll be going through this when my parents (in their 80s) eventually pass.  I hope not for a long, long time.  But I've thought about these issues, because we recently had some other family problems over some sunk money and health problems, and we got through it. 

Do you have a share of the $60,000 rental income?  I would just take your share each year and be done with it.  Wait for one of them to suggested selling it and then take your share.  Eventually, someone might come to you and offer something and that might be the opportune time to bring it up.  Until then, enjoy the windfall of a few thousand $ per year income.   

As for leaving for their kids - I'm the only childless one of my siblings and when the reality of splitting farm rental money to their kids and grandkids later means eventually it's split many ways, the group will likely eventually sell anyways. 

As for the household possessions - you will not earn anything unless there are some real collector items, so if siblings want to take whatever they want, just let them.    My aunt and uncle recently had an auction when they moved into assisted living and they got pennies on the dollar.  I recently tried to sell most of my belongings on Craigslist and ended up giving most of it away.

In the meantime, see if you can repair the relationship.  Go for a visit and don't bring up the sore subjects.
« Last Edit: February 20, 2019, 01:28:35 PM by JoJo »

GreenEggs

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2019, 04:41:22 PM »
Who is the executor? 


Has the home or the farm been appraised?  If you want to sell your portion of the farm your siblings should buy for your share.  If they choose not to, you should be free to sell it.  They can't make you give it to them or hold it indefinitely against your will. 


If it's been over a year since you father passed away you have the right to expect the distributions to be finalized.


Hopefully you can reason with your sisters and not let this come between you. 

Duke03

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2019, 07:43:34 PM »
Funny how the sibling that always lives "on the land" never wants the others to sell.  I've run into this same thing several times.  My recommendation is always the same.  They can buy me out for market rate or they can enjoy their new neighbors.  My advice is to sell it and if you really want to own land go buy land that you want to own.  Not land that your dad owned or your family owns....

Tuskalusa

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2019, 08:45:00 PM »
Iím so sorry for your loss, and for the drama that has resulted. These situations are so hard. There is something about losing a parent that is scary and sad and just plain hard. And then everyone has their own way of sorting through all the pieces. And thatís hard too, especially when everyone is an adult and used to running their lives the way they do.

My dadís death brought out the worst in my sibling and I. Weíve been fairly close, but we do day-to-day things very differently. When we started sorting through things to put out parentsí house on the market, things got very bad. Throwing things at each other in the driveway bad.  Just. Bad. And I like to think that weíre fairly even keeled people normally. Not a time in my life that Iím proud of, for sure.

In retrospect, I can see that a lot of this was grief. We eventually sorted things out, and we get along again now. But living without my dad was hard for many years, and we needed time to sort through it.

In your situation, I can totally see how this is stressful. It sounds like your sisters are on the same page, and that you do some things differently. And thatís totally ok. Time and space might help you sort these things out a little more easily. Everyone can get some perspective.  If you can give the inheritance process some time without financial hardship, that might be your best bet.

From a practical perspective, maybe you could mention the specific things you might like from the house and them let your sister take care of the rest. On the land, itís completely fair to want to sell your portion, but if thereís little financial risk or liability, maybe let that sit for a bit and wait to ask for a buyout or subdivision. You shouldnít have to keep land you donít want, but taking some time to let everyone chill out a bit might make things easier for you, in the long run.

Take care. :)

better late

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2019, 09:04:45 PM »
Iím sorry for your loss.
You mentioned being on the outs with your siblings - that resonated with me. A little like youíve lost a parent and two siblings (or at least the support of your two sisters). If there is any history of the two ďganging upĒ against you in childhood divvying up the estate is going to stir up a lot of underlying emotions.

When my mom died my manipulative older sibling ďenlistedĒ my younger sibling. It was hard as I was outvoted several times. Very hard to find emotional distance.

iris lily

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2019, 10:50:41 AM »
Funny how the sibling that always lives "on the land" never wants the others to sell.  I've run into this same thing several times.  My recommendation is always the same.  They can buy me out for market rate or they can enjoy their new neighbors.  My advice is to sell it and if you really want to own land go buy land that you want to own.  Not land that your dad owned or your family owns....

Yes, they want to own it but cannot afford it.

For those outside of farm country, subdividing and selling off a section of farm land devalues the entire parcel.

Tuskalusa

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #13 on: February 21, 2019, 04:07:45 PM »
Is there anything in the will that specifies any kinds of a buyout agreement?  Perhaps there is some kind of buyout arrangement you could make with your siblings?  We are currently receiving buyout payments over 8 years. It makes things affordable for the other siblings, and it releases use from ownership, which was what we wanted more than anything.

In the meantime, are you receiving a percentage of the income from the land?  Are there any expenses that you need to support?  Iím wondering about the cash flow impact of letting this sit for about a year?

CatDog

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2019, 06:33:10 PM »
I will be receiving a third of the yearly farm income minus expenses. I have apologized to one sibling, not sure if it was accepted. I have not spoken to them in a month or so. What actually started the whole situation with regards to the land and auctioning the possessions was my husband pressuring me to get things going, constantly, telling me I needed to get my share. If it wasn't for him I would have just left everything alone. Thank you to everyone for your answers.

Goldielocks

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2019, 11:30:39 PM »
Funny how the sibling that always lives "on the land" never wants the others to sell.  I've run into this same thing several times.  My recommendation is always the same.  They can buy me out for market rate or they can enjoy their new neighbors.  My advice is to sell it and if you really want to own land go buy land that you want to own.  Not land that your dad owned or your family owns....

Yes, they want to own it but cannot afford it.

For those outside of farm country, subdividing and selling off a section of farm land devalues the entire parcel.
That can't be right -- one sibling just inherited a home they could put a mortgage on to buy out the other, and everyone inherited $100k.  That would go a long way to buying some of the property, certainly?

Eowynd

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #16 on: February 22, 2019, 05:52:57 AM »
Funny how the sibling that always lives "on the land" never wants the others to sell.  I've run into this same thing several times.  My recommendation is always the same.  They can buy me out for market rate or they can enjoy their new neighbors.  My advice is to sell it and if you really want to own land go buy land that you want to own.  Not land that your dad owned or your family owns....

Yes, they want to own it but cannot afford it.

For those outside of farm country, subdividing and selling off a section of farm land devalues the entire parcel.
That can't be right -- one sibling just inherited a home they could put a mortgage on to buy out the other, and everyone inherited $100k.  That would go a long way to buying some of the property, certainly?

A 300 acre farm that nets $60k per year is probably worth upwards of $1.5 mil.  That's just a ballpark figure but I'm certain that $100k (or even $200k) doesn't come close to the value of the land.

OP, I'm sorry that you are having to deal with these tensions in addition to the loss of your father.  Does your husband understand that pressuring to get things sold is causing stress on your relationships with your sisters?

Fishindude

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #17 on: February 22, 2019, 07:24:46 AM »
As one who has been through this, I recommend you do whatever you need to do to keep the farm in one piece.   If you want out, sell your share to one or both of the others as cheaply as you can, after all you got it for free so this still a windfall for you.   It's really a shame to see how so many family farms have been cut up into little pieces due to family squabbles.   Your parents worked hard to accumulate that piece of ground and would not want to see it cut up.   

Regarding all the household furnishings, etc. .................. big deal, fight over that stuff all you want, it's really insignificant compared to the land.

Sibley

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #18 on: February 22, 2019, 07:40:59 AM »
I will be receiving a third of the yearly farm income minus expenses. I have apologized to one sibling, not sure if it was accepted. I have not spoken to them in a month or so. What actually started the whole situation with regards to the land and auctioning the possessions was my husband pressuring me to get things going, constantly, telling me I needed to get my share. If it wasn't for him I would have just left everything alone. Thank you to everyone for your answers.

Your husband is the real problem then, and that's one you need to address. Your family, your problem - he needs to butt out. And he owes you an apology for getting you into this mess along with changed behavior going forward.

GreenEggs

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #19 on: February 22, 2019, 07:54:26 AM »
As one who has been through this, I recommend you do whatever you need to do to keep the farm in one piece.   If you want out, sell your share to one or both of the others as cheaply as you can, after all you got it for free so this still a windfall for you.   It's really a shame to see how so many family farms have been cut up into little pieces due to family squabbles.   Your parents worked hard to accumulate that piece of ground and would not want to see it cut up.   

Regarding all the household furnishings, etc. .................. big deal, fight over that stuff all you want, it's really insignificant compared to the land.




Who's farming it now?  Why should she consider selling her portion for for less than its value? 


Saying she "got it for free" is rude.  Would her parents rather see her accept $20,000 per year or sell it for a fair price and use it however she chooses.  Sitting on land for purely sentimental reasons is a personal decision.  Most people here would say the opportunity cost of holding land vs putting it into index funds is generally a poor financial choice. 

SKL-HOU

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #20 on: February 22, 2019, 08:02:59 AM »
I will be receiving a third of the yearly farm income minus expenses. I have apologized to one sibling, not sure if it was accepted. I have not spoken to them in a month or so. What actually started the whole situation with regards to the land and auctioning the possessions was my husband pressuring me to get things going, constantly, telling me I needed to get my share. If it wasn't for him I would have just left everything alone. Thank you to everyone for your answers.

Your husband is the real problem then, and that's one you need to address. Your family, your problem - he needs to butt out. And he owes you an apology for getting you into this mess along with changed behavior going forward.

100% agree!

wbranch

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #21 on: February 22, 2019, 09:53:30 AM »
As one who has been through this, I recommend you do whatever you need to do to keep the farm in one piece.   If you want out, sell your share to one or both of the others as cheaply as you can, after all you got it for free so this still a windfall for you.   It's really a shame to see how so many family farms have been cut up into little pieces due to family squabbles.   Your parents worked hard to accumulate that piece of ground and would not want to see it cut up.   

Regarding all the household furnishings, etc. .................. big deal, fight over that stuff all you want, it's really insignificant compared to the land.


If the other family members were the ones farming it I would agree. But it sounds like it is rented to a 3rd party, so in my view it is no longer the family farm. The sisters wanting to keep it and leaving it to their children will create an even bigger mess in the future. If the parents would have wanted it to be kept in one piece going forward they would set it up in a way to make that easier.

The_Pretender

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #22 on: February 22, 2019, 10:50:40 AM »
+1 to reading through the inheritance drama thread.  It is full of juicy stories, but nuggets planted all over about things to think of...

One nugget I learned and will try to remember is that when my DW's family passes away (hopefully years/decades from now)... I will need to be a part of support for my DW, but I do not have any claim to what she is entitled to per the will.  I know myself, prior to reading that thread, I would have invested myself as "part-owner" of the inheritance.  Instead, I hope I carry myself as a neutral but supportive spouse.   Whatever my DW inherits, I will let her know it is her's to choose what to do with.  If she wants to fold it into our shared goals, great.  Or if she wants to go on a vacation to Alaska as a way to remember her loved one, it is her choice.

Reading this, it appears the siblings are not wanting to rush things as they are still grieving.  The combination of you living further away (maybe urban locale) vs. small town and you pushing the sale/settle of estate really divided things here.  Take time, talk with your husband and siblings.  Let them know things got off on the wrong foot and maybe let them know why you rushed things.  Let them know you are not in immediate need of the money, and really would like to focus on your family's relationship with their family's' (assuming, it was fine before your father's passing).  It would not hurt to kindly inform your siblings of your intent to sell your 1/3 interest in the land.  hopefully they will take time to figure out financing.

MaybeBabyMustache

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #23 on: February 22, 2019, 03:52:46 PM »
I will be receiving a third of the yearly farm income minus expenses. I have apologized to one sibling, not sure if it was accepted. I have not spoken to them in a month or so. What actually started the whole situation with regards to the land and auctioning the possessions was my husband pressuring me to get things going, constantly, telling me I needed to get my share. If it wasn't for him I would have just left everything alone. Thank you to everyone for your answers.

Your husband is the real problem then, and that's one you need to address. Your family, your problem - he needs to butt out. And he owes you an apology for getting you into this mess along with changed behavior going forward.

Totally agree. Your husband should not have been pressuring you on this in any way, and it's your family to deal with.

iris lily

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Re: Anxious and upset over inheritance issues
« Reply #24 on: February 22, 2019, 06:15:39 PM »
Agree with you all that OPís husband should stay out of it. I am in that role right this moment with DHís family farm and am doing my best to keep my mouth shut because I have no standing in this issue. The eldest daughter is in charge of this estate, now in a trust owned by all siblings, and she said it will take at least a year to close out.

That timeline seems very reasonable to me although I doubt it will be ended in a year based on what I am hearing about the sibling who is insisting on hanging onto the farm, I expect it will not be resolved for many years. Fortunately, no one really needs the money.
« Last Edit: February 22, 2019, 06:24:04 PM by iris lily »