Author Topic: Another financial infidelity thread  (Read 6720 times)

davef

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Another financial infidelity thread
« on: August 14, 2014, 12:13:14 PM »
Overview of the situation.
I work 2 jobs (one 8-5 and onother side job where I do consulting)
I make about 90% of our income. My wife makes about 10% of what I do working in retail 20 hours a week. I have tried desperately to get her to get a career, (she says she wants one) but she gets mad when her boss schedules her 30 hours a week) and turned down a full time position because she doesnt like the company. 
We have no kids. (we have 2 dogs) We split the at home chores basiclly 50/50 I do all of the outside chores, repairs, and the cooking, she does the inside chores, basicaly cleaning and laundry.

All of the money I make goes into our joint checking initially, which she has never touched (she has never used her debit card) All of our bills are paid from this account except her cell phone bill which she insists on paying herself. All of the money she makes goes into her checking account, and gets split between her cell phone bill clothes/shoes and her savings account.

She seems to think I am bad with money, she claims because I bought a kyack after 32 years of wanting one that I am financially wreckless.

She uses her income as her, spending money which I am ok with, But she gets mad when I invest the bulk of our joint income (She thinks she would do a better job investing it in her matterss)
note: I get good returns and she has 0 understanding of investing n or does she want to learn, she considers it gambling.

Financially we are fine, but we have issues, what do we do?

I'm thinking i should tell her to put her paycheck into out join account, setup a monthly transfer to both of our individual accounts so we both have a little blow money.

Any adivce?

oldtoyota

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2014, 12:19:14 PM »
I suggest marriage counseling.

She says she wants a career, but her actions indicate she does not. Action speaks louder than words.

I also suggest that you continue not to have kids until you get this worked out. Having a spouse who doesn't bother getting a career--esp when he or she is not caring for kids at home--means you are doing all of the work to gain income. If you get divorced and you have both set the precedence of her not working or working very little and you end up splitting up, you'll get stuck paying for her living expenses until your kids are 18 (at least in some states).




Mr. Bullion Beard

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2014, 12:29:36 PM »
Dead weight. Cut it loose.

TrulyStashin

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2014, 12:36:33 PM »
I suggest marriage counseling.

She says she wants a career, but her actions indicate she does not. Action speaks louder than words.

I also suggest that you continue not to have kids until you get this worked out.

+1   

There are deep issues here (lack of trust, lack of respect) that go way beyond money.  Don't bring children into a house with a bad foundation.  Find a good counselor (it might take several tries) and give it all you've got. 

jadbgee

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2014, 12:43:04 PM »
Dead weight. Cut it loose.

Man, I hate to second this one, but it might be your best option.  What are each of your long term goals?  Do they remotely match up?  Does she even have long term goals? 

Whether or not your support her is your business, but you really need to keep an eye on making sound financial decisions and know that you may often have to do it in direct opposition of her opinion.

Please don't bring kids into the picture.

Freedom2016

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2014, 12:44:34 PM »
You guys definitely need to talk.

When DH and I first married, we had to work through a few financial wrinkles, one of which was similar to yours. DH wanted to keep income he earned from his side gig music group in his own kitty rather than throwing it into the communal pot, whereas everything I earned went into the shared pot. The fact that this was a side gig made a difference to him. I didn't see it the same way - my view was, "all income earned for this family belongs to both of us." I also didn't want there to be potential for us to hide money from each other.

After a few conversations we got on the same page: our solution was indeed to pool all income either of us earns, but we set up monthly "blow money" allowances for each of us. That's worked well for us...

neo von retorch

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2014, 12:44:59 PM »
I do not believe you have wildly bad issues. People grow up learning "certain things" and it can be tough to "re-learn."

You each have certain values in regards to what to do with money, and how money should be spent on wants, and they don't have to be perfectly aligned, as long as your big picture goals match up. That being said, since they don't align, I agree with the idea that you have a shared account for paying bills and long-term, shared goal saving, but you should have individual accounts that get the same amount of money each month/week that you each spend as you will. In other words, your cell phone bill and money that you spend on your kayaking hobby would come from your own personal allowance, and she would have no room to judge or comment, just as you'd have no room to judge or comment what she does with her allowance.

If she doesn't want to put her paycheck into the joint account, then you should just put an equal amount of yours into your allowance and start paying your cell phone there. Then the joint account is not touched by either you, except for investing and savings.

Try to ask her lots of questions about what she thinks about investing, and see if you can get her interested enough in learning more that she asks you questions and learns (somewhat on her own) about why it might be a good idea to put money in index funds (etc) rather than holding on to it in a static bank account or mattress.

MsSindy

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2014, 12:51:37 PM »
Telling her to go joint, isn't your problem.  You guys are not on the same page.

Definitely give some thought to how you could increase your communication compatibility - you guys don't seem like you're building a life together, but rather Friends with Benefits....assuming you have benefits ;).  An outside perspective would probably be good - I mean a professional one, not us here on the internet!  I would frame it in such a way that your intentions are to build a stronger marriage where you guys are working toward the same goals, and you both feel respectfully heard etc., etc.  If she doesn't want to go, or doesn't think it's important enough to address, then that may be your answer right there.

Let's face it - she's got it good!  You do most of the work at home and most outside the home....it's like she's semi-retired already.

davef

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2014, 10:00:56 AM »
We definitely have trust issues. The fact is everyone she has ever loved has betrayed her trust. Especially her parents who gave her away at birth and her adopted parents who are worthless drunks and did not tell her till she was 21. Can I blame her for not trusting me 100%? I think she has depression. But she refuses to get treatment. Or see a counsolor.

She deals with my bad attitude (sometimes), deals with the fact I am on the road a couple weeks a month, doesn't spend a lot, is faithful beyond reproach, takes good care of the dogs and house.

okashira

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2014, 10:07:39 AM »
LOL!!
I am AMAZED how folk's tone around here has changed in response to the other marriage disagreement about finance threads.

I was the FIRST one to point out the issues in the "wife flipped out" thread, and I was panned for it.

Now you guys are going nuts.


Here is something else, I disagree with most of you, again. Are you guys joking or what? I don't see any red flags in the OP in this case. Just a wife that needs to financial education (eg get a financial advisor whom she may trust?)
« Last Edit: August 15, 2014, 10:25:44 AM by okashira »

Cpa Cat

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2014, 10:30:00 AM »
I agree with Oka. You have three separate problems here, not any one big problem:

Problem 1. Your wife doesn't understand investing. She doesn't even understand that you are getting good returns, vs the no returns you would be getting if you did it her way. Her lack of understanding is causing her to distrust it.

Problem 2. You aren't really on the same page budget-wise. If she's more comfortable with separate account, that's ok. But that doesn't mean you don't need a budget and she shouldn't know what the big picture is. Again, her lack of understanding is likely causing her to distrust your entire money-management scheme. If she was fully engaged and could see your budget in black and white, maybe she would feel more secure. You shouldn't let her get away with accusing you of being bad with money, but then exempting herself from joint money management.

Problem 3. The career problem. This may be linked to the depression problem. Or, it may just be that she's not driven and she's lazy. I don't want to work 40(+) hours a week, either. It's my motivation behind retiring early! The truth is, as long you're willing to put up with it, she's unlikely to suddenly develop a desire for a 40-hour work week. She gets by. Her needs are being met. You would just take her extra money and put it in your sneaky stock market, anyway. What would be her motivation for change?

theonethatgotaway

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2014, 10:35:53 AM »
These responses are...interesting.

Clearly, as you've pointed out- she's having issues emotionally and financially. You both should consider seeing a therapist together AND separately. A lot of times the emotional issues can be resolved and that will lead to a more productive and understanding person. That will effect your relationship far more than financial counseling (at the moment).

I really hope you are able to get the help you need and that your wife is willing to work on herself for herself. Be Kind and best of luck.



SpicyMcHaggus

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #12 on: August 15, 2014, 10:41:14 AM »
BTDT. Won't date anyone with depression again. Frequently, it's just the tip of the iceberg.
Your results may be different, but I found that after a while, it is contagious. I'm a much happier person, and the relationship was toxic for me. I tried to spend my way out, but it didn't work. A year later, I have a money making duplex, and am happy to drive old cars and bikes.

stuckinmn

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #13 on: August 15, 2014, 01:27:20 PM »
Quote
All of our bills are paid from this account except her cell phone bill which she insists on paying herself.

she is OK with joint funds paying for everything other than this one item.   Why is this different than food, rent or utilities?  Think about it.   

okashira

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #14 on: August 15, 2014, 01:31:41 PM »
She doesn't want him to see her text history? ;-)

stuckinmn

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #15 on: August 15, 2014, 01:35:34 PM »
Bingo!

tyler1215

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #16 on: August 15, 2014, 01:42:43 PM »
Has anyone actually reviewed someone's text history through the cell phone bill?

I can't read my texts through my own bill. I'm thinking that's just a myth.

okashira

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #17 on: August 15, 2014, 01:54:33 PM »
Has anyone actually reviewed someone's text history through the cell phone bill?

I can't read my texts through my own bill. I'm thinking that's just a myth.

Well, she might not know that.
It could also be a matter of excessive texting leading to inflated bill, which he would have to question.

On a serious note, we are jumping to conclusions, here :-)

stuckinmn

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #18 on: August 15, 2014, 01:54:58 PM »
You might not be able to see the content but you can often see who the calls and texts are made to and how frequently.  All I'm saying is this is a huge red flag to me, above and beyond all the financial issues.

neo von retorch

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #19 on: August 15, 2014, 02:14:12 PM »
But that's just one way to interpret it, too. It's also possible that a piece of her enjoys the responsibility of paying for her own cell phone. Knowing it's "her phone" and that her money pays for it. By itself, wanting to pay for your own cell phone is not an indication of infidelity!

sheepstache

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #20 on: August 15, 2014, 02:31:47 PM »
It sounds like, while you've had discussions on specific things at various points in time, that you've never sat down to a discussion with her about your financial affairs as a totality. 

It sounds like the two of you need to talk about your feelings in a completely open way, figure out what bothers each of you and why. 

I wouldn't go into a brainstorming session like that with any plans or proposals.  That can come later.

For example, if you go into a conversation saying, 'I feel our financial arrangement is unfair,' she may be like, 'what? I didn't realize.'  And you can talk about how each of you sees things.  If you go into it saying, 'I feel our financial arrangement is unfair and I think we should do x, y, and z going forward,' even if you are very relaxed and respectful about it, the message probably won't go down as well. She'll be like, 'well, this is news to me!  I've never thought it's unfair, and furthermore who do you think you are to dictate terms, we're equal partners!' and all the trust issues get triggered, etc.

okashira

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #21 on: August 15, 2014, 02:33:10 PM »
But that's just one way to interpret it, too. It's also possible that a piece of her enjoys the responsibility of paying for her own cell phone. Knowing it's "her phone" and that her money pays for it. By itself, wanting to pay for your own cell phone is not an indication of infidelity!

Eh, you gotta admit it is a little strange. But there might be a good explanation.

sheepstache

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Re: Another financial infidelity thread
« Reply #22 on: August 15, 2014, 02:43:37 PM »
ps. Have you talked to her about financial independence as a goal at all?  This might be a crazy idea, but maybe now is the time.  In for a penny, in for a pound.  Otherwise it may not make sense to her why you're bothered by the lack investment, by her lack of contributions, etc.  It's a goal to get excited about and a motivation to understand more about investing.