Author Topic: And this is why I don't go "home" very often  (Read 5759 times)

infromsea

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And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« on: October 12, 2016, 10:41:58 AM »


Anyone else deal with this? A sense of unease when visiting "home". A desire to just bulldoze an entire state?

I will say this, it makes me even THAT much more thankful that I found an avenue of escape, not everyone does.

« Last Edit: July 06, 2017, 09:55:21 AM by infromsea »

dandarc

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2016, 10:46:29 AM »
I hate visiting home when my sister isn't in jail.  Amazing how much more tranquil everything is when there isn't the possibility of running in to her.  But that situation isn't in line with what you're talking about really.

MishMash

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2016, 10:52:41 AM »
Double hands in the air over here.

Every time I go "home" I count my blessings that I fled 4 days after my 18th birthday and have lived everywhere else in the US but in NJ since then. We now only live 4 hours from "home" and that's becoming too close for comfort many times.

Similar upbringing, home involves talking my mother out of buying more shit she doesn't need, going over her finances again, and again, and again, and her not getting it.  And then listening to her famous "We all have dreams, but you have to realize dreams just don't come true" speech whenever we discuss our eventual plans.  Combine that with the perpetual blame of everyone else for her woes and a 45 year old brother and sister in law who are broke and always asking for money (they live with mom) and 2-3 days is about the max I can do it. 

DH is pretty much the same way, if we never had to go to CA (where he's from) or NJ, we'd both be happy campers.  We'd also like to bulldoze the entire state of Kentucky while we are at it for similar reasons (but only if we move the distillerys first)

hoping2retire35

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2016, 11:19:20 AM »
RE is weird to just about everyone before they discover it own their own. My wife still doesn't really believe it. So if you told them then you are now the 'weird' one. As to pick up trucks and rims, I just try to show others how i value other things, like land ownership, most people can relate to that.

Back to the echo chamber; yeah, it sucks having to internalize everything and not share how awesome FIRE will be simultaneously seeing others wasting away money on crap.

Enigma

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2016, 11:30:47 AM »
Lately I have been throwing the idea of RE with my parents.  My dad doesn't appear to be onboard and I am sure he thinks I am joking or crazy.  In my 20s, I spent thousands investing in my future with education...  In my 30s, I saved and invested in residual income streams.

I come from a family of workaholics and my parent's wealth will exceed mine for at least a decade if not longer.  But I have also earned more in less time...

Goldielocks

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2016, 12:04:38 PM »
My Dad is stunned at the realization that I do not love my job, and could "downsize" from it in my 40's. 
He has this mini dream that I am about to become (10 years) an executive VP of a huge company.   Which is only matched by his dream that I somehow get my PhD while doing it.

It helps when I point out that he "downsized" his job due to stress at the age of 45 (from management back to the union).

My point is that parents have trouble realizing that we are separate people, with different opportunities and desires and failings from them (or their dreams / visions).   

The more you talk about it, however, the easier it is, which is no help when you are out of state.

jamesbond007

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2016, 02:24:11 PM »
Haha. Sounds very familiar. Forget home. I live 1000s of miles away. I am an immigrant. Even mentioning FIRE to close friends here raises their eyebrows. They think I am a total loser and that I am out of my mind.  Some people will even go ahead and advise me on how bad my thinking is etc.  I just don't pay attention. I thought I'd help them telling about MMM but now I don't care.

mxt0133

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2016, 03:19:31 PM »
HA!  I knew I wouldn't be the only one where 'home' used to be NJ.  Anyway back to the topic at hand.

We also feel the same way when visiting our folks back east.  However, we no longer refer to it as 'home' or 'back home' any longer.  Our home for now is in the west coast.  We mostly miss our parents and siblings but the way of life there is very different and we can only stand it in short bursts.  I can only take it for about two weeks, even my kids begin to get homesick around that time. 

We try not to insult our family members by saying how much we hate or dislike it back there and just have to recognize that it works for them.



alewpanda

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2016, 07:41:50 PM »
My family isn't awful to visit... although us introverts are very, very relieved to leave after approximately 5 days of my very, very loud family home.

My family, however, does have some very odd standards/expectations. 


Scrimp and save with coupons on junk/fake/processed food.....then get mad at healthcare costs. 

Dogs are so expensive! ...but heaven forbid you delay having kids

Oh...sad, secondhand furniture, huh?....after being savvy and buying brand spanking new furniture because they could get it at 0% for 6 months.

It must be nice to afford to pay cash for things.....says sis and fiance who go out to eat multiple times a week for 25+ a pop while working part time and going to school. 

Don't recommend younger sister take the cash she has saved up and buy a 4-5,000 dollar car!  Cars cannot be expected to be reliable for less than 10,000 dollars.  Also, craigslist is for lemons....and my mechanic is too busy to check out lemons for me.....

How much did mom and dad help you during school and for your wedding?  I'm trying to plan ahead....Oh, nothing....well, fiance's mom is giving us a good amount at least!



Hubs parents are worse...although at least his Dad would die before expecting us to contribute anything to him.  His mom?  not so much...and brother with two kids and a wife?  Well, we struggle with boundaries sometimes with that one.....



Head to desk, head to desk.....

Ebrat

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2016, 10:03:39 AM »
A lot of how I am is an equal-and-opposite reaction to how I grew up: Credit card debt, struggle to pay all the bills, screening calls for creditors/collections. And these burdens were placed onto us kids through constant reminders of the "dire" situation.

It's a scarcity mindset that means they're never happy no matter how much they have. I've had to work hard to change that mindset in myself. I've also never carried a CC balance except for promo rates, and never missed a debt payment, because I saw the results of doing so.

It's also the result of a victim mindset. Even as a kid, I saw how their situation was a consequence of their choices--to own certain things, live in a certain place, etc.--and was frustrated by their refusal to change those choices. There was no sense of agency or efficacy. They wouldn't own that their situation was the result of their choices, that they could change those choices if they really wanted to, and that they just didn't really want to.

They also have a lot of stuff, which always drove me crazy and still does when I go back to visit. My dad is the type to buy a shirt at a thrift store because "it's only $5," but he has probably 200 $5 shirts. Do the math, Dad!

I of course love my family, and as I said, many of my successes are attributable to them in the sense that I developed a strong desire for something different. But the scarcity/victim mentality and negativity is emotionally draining to be around, and I'm always glad when I can come back to my own stable little bubble.

Ann

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2016, 10:33:51 AM »
...We try not to insult our family members by saying how much we hate or dislike it back there and just have to recognize that it works for them.
Thank you for that, by the way.  My friends and I moved away from our modest-sized home town in college and are all in major cities now.  We descend back home for the holidays and the trash talk of our town bothers me.  I don't even want to live there again, but I don't hate it and I think it's insulting to those individuals who have made it their home.  It just seems arrogant.  Especially when you are doing it in the house of a relative who is providing you with free food and a free place to stay ... and who is living in the town you are insulting!

I'm not saying anyone should have to like visiting "home".  But if it isn't your relatives that make the experience unpleasant, maybe try to choose your words more carefully in front of those relatives. 

P.S. This comment isn't aimed at any Mustachians!  I didn't get that vibe from any of your comments.  It is echoing feelings from my own experiences.

incognito

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #11 on: October 13, 2016, 10:56:55 AM »
Same deal here, although I live only 15 miles away so I see them much more often. It can be tough when your family has a completely different outlook on life, work, and money than you do. Here's a quote that I like to think to myself after I spend an afternoon with the fam.

"To be great is to be misunderstood." --- Ralph Waldo Emerson

MsSindy

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #12 on: October 13, 2016, 02:36:48 PM »
I think I'm pretty fortunate in this regard.  My dad never held a "normal" job in his life.  He was always building a boat (or working on someone else's for cash), and then would wind up selling it and living on the profit and then starting another one - always with the dream of sailing to far away places (he was a dreamer).  He was also fortunate that he had 2 women in his life (not at the same time!), that supported him and his dreams.  Anyway, when i told him what I wanted to do, he said, "why the hell wait so long, move out of that damn house and start now!!"..... ah yes, if I could only convince my DH to do so!  My dad has no love of "working for the man".  He's always lived on the edge of 'just enough'.

Still, we live far away from both our childhood homes and whenever we call and have to hear about the he-said/she-said drama, we hang up and say, "thank god we don't live close".

chasesfish

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #13 on: October 13, 2016, 08:47:53 PM »
Holy crap, I'm finishing up a 6 day trip "back home" and am experiencing all of these things described in the thread all at once.

It's amaze how bad people are with money and food, but after "getting the hell out" 15 years ago, I'm finally starting to think about being closer (not all the way there though) as people grow up.  They totally don't get the RE idea the few times we've danced around the subject and they can't figure out why my wife hasn't worked in two years (just not worth giving up 40%+ to tax man, she's more accretive to earnings helping us safe and in-source work).

Lanthiriel

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2016, 10:36:20 PM »
Both of my sisters moved away from my hometown recently and it made me realize that I have almost no desire to ever "go home" again. I am not close with my extended family, and I would rather bring my mom to me or visit my sisters in new places. I find that I much prefer interacting with people one-on-one. Sometimes when a bunch of us are together, I'll feel like I didn't get quality time with the people I wanted to and spent too much time with those I didn't. And, honestly, that first group is pretty small.

shanghaiMMM

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #15 on: October 14, 2016, 06:45:34 PM »
I really have no idea how prevalent the idea of FIRE is in the UK, but my hometown has very low wages and a real lack of high paying jobs. I know because that was how I was before I left. And Brexit isn't helping the economic worries much! Some friends have left town and moved to London but I know for a fact that they aren't earning enough to compensate for the HCOL. So if I went back and told them I'm saving enough to FIRE inside 5 years I would get some very strange looks indeed I imagine.

DailyGrindFree

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #16 on: October 14, 2016, 07:32:53 PM »
Haha. Sounds very familiar. Forget home. I live 1000s of miles away. I am an immigrant. Even mentioning FIRE to close friends here raises their eyebrows. They think I am a total loser and that I am out of my mind.  Some people will even go ahead and advise me on how bad my thinking is etc.  I just don't pay attention. I thought I'd help them telling about MMM but now I don't care.

I am on the same boat  as you. I tried to talk to some of my friends and educate them on money and possibilities. They don't get it at all. Most of the time they are debbie downers. I am done. I'll go about my business and not worry about others. If they ask for help that is fine. I will help. That is about it.

freeat57

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #17 on: October 14, 2016, 07:49:50 PM »
I am amazed to see how similar many of the replies are to my experience.  My father is retired and excellent with money, however he is very conservative and has a negative "the world is going to hell in a hand basket" aura about him most of the time.  Plus, "cities are horrible, wicked places".  I prefer to live in a bigger city.  On the other hand, my sister and brother-in-law are very bad with money and spend all theirs mostly on junk.  He recently lost his job of 40 years and is miserable working harder for half the pay.  I feel sorry for the guy, but they have had 35 years of marriage to save a stache and have not done it. 

monkeytree

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #18 on: October 17, 2016, 01:49:31 PM »
This is really interesting to me....I, too, have had similar experiences and still struggle to "fix" some old habits and remnants from what I saw during my childhood of my parents' financial mistakes. They and my sister are still leading similar lifestyles, while I (after having found MMM) have been trying to lead a more stable life for my family.

But this does make me wonder what makes some of us learn from our families' mistakes and others just blindly follow in their footsteps. I think about this a lot these days as I want to instill financial responsibility in our kids. But does financial learning/"training" actually help? Or is it based mainly on personality or other factors? Clearly, based on this thread, none of us got any useful financial training from our parents....

Mississippi Mudstache

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #19 on: October 17, 2016, 02:30:31 PM »
These stories raise my blood pressure (stress, not anger). My family are all very level-headed. My dad and both of his siblings are all upper middle class. They are not frugal by Mustachian standards, but spend well below their means. They are all in their 50's, and either retired or semi-retired (have enough money, but working because they enjoy it).

My siblings and in-laws are shaping up to be pretty much the same. I'm definitely the most frugal of the bunch, but nobody is overly materialistic, and nobody spends more than they can afford. Nobody discusses money at family gatherings. Nobody discusses stuff. We just eat well and enjoy one another's company. I love being around them. I feel bad for folks who don't have families that they can relate to.


Ebrat

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Re: And this is why I don't go "home" very often
« Reply #20 on: October 17, 2016, 04:03:41 PM »
But this does make me wonder what makes some of us learn from our families' mistakes and others just blindly follow in their footsteps. I think about this a lot these days as I want to instill financial responsibility in our kids. But does financial learning/"training" actually help? Or is it based mainly on personality or other factors? Clearly, based on this thread, none of us got any useful financial training from our parents....

I wonder about this, too. I think it has to be personality. For me, I can see how my siblings and I are all products of the same environment, but reflected through different lenses (our personalities). For example, instability could lead 1 person to desire stability, and another person to be comfortable with instability.