Hi all,
Hoping to get your perspective here. I've got two elderly parents whose financial lives I've currently managing. They're fairly complex, and I'm wondering if it would be reasonable to charge a small fee for managing these issues. I feel like an ass for even asking about it, but before you judge me, let me give you some background.
Me - single, early 30's making north of $125K / year in Atlanta. Have a stressful job that requires more than 50 hours/week and a personal situation (out-of-town girlfriend) that limits time on the weekends. I'm their only son.
Them - mid 70's, net worth of approximately $3.5 million. The biggest issues include (a) managing the significant refurbishment and rental of two properties, (b) documenting some sizable (low $100K's) tax losses for past/future IRS filings (more complex than it might seem as these were private deals), and (c) helping to gather information on 20+ accounts (yes, it's a mess) for tax filings. Their expenses are basically covered by pensions +social security, and their desire is just to maximize the portfolio. Due to family health issues (Dad and Grandma are currently in a long-care term home), I just feel completely stressed out all of the time.
I want to emphasize that my idea is more of a mental hack than anything. I'm not trying to nickel and dime them, but I realize that my personality is such that, if I'm going to be "paid" for something -- say at $250 / month -- it's going to be something that I'm going to stay up late at night to do and do right (even if I dedicate significantly more than 10 hours to it), while, if I'm not, it tends to get put on the back-burner (especially vis-a-vis personal relationship issues, and business development opportunities at work).
Again, I feel like an ass to even suggest this, but I am having a hard time holding myself accountable to doing the work on a volunteer basis, and every month that I don't get this done, they're loosing out.
Thanks for your comments - even if you call me a jerk.
[Apologies if this is posted twice. The form software says that I posted this already, although multiple views on other devices says no].
You're not an ass at all for asking us, but emotions run high in these situations. In my opinion, any solution has to address everyone's emotions as well as the practical matters. I just took care of a dying father with Alzheimer's, so here are some thoughts from 5 years of experience with finances of the intelligent but aging.
It sounds like both parents and son are active, detail oriented people. The parents have active desires (fix these properties! maximize portfolio return! keep the 20 accounts for a bunch of reasons that are important in their view!). Overall, they are getting too old to have the detailed control they used to have, but are unwilling to give it up. Their solution is for son to be the errand boy implementing their complex system.
That won't work. They have to start reducing their involvement. Whether this is by son following requests, someone hiring professionals (accountant, construction manager, etc), or allowing the son to simplify their accounts:
1. Someone is going to have to face sad, unpleasant pain. Therefore all family members will. I just went through several years of decline and passing of a parent, including becoming their guardian, so I speak from related experience though the dollar amounts were smaller. We all grew closer and more loving over time, but only after the issues were confronted.
2. Power of attorney for property and medical should be set up, as should a living will and a will. Suggest that this happen. Respect and appreciate their experience, effort, caring, and continued competence, but persist in getting these done. Right now you're struggling with stuff you don't feel like doing. It will be worse if their abilities decline and you don't have the legal right to fix the situation. If they won't do it, you will have to graduallywithdraw from being their errand boy.
That is the precipitating action that you can control. (You can be strategic - mention the need to withdraw, but actually complete easy transactions while proposing to hire pros for others, etc. But you can't just fill requests without getting progress on matters that need resolution.)
3. As summarized in 1, there will be conflict. While they are alive and competent, you cannot control them and can only suggest - but if they are not moving towards a solution, you may have to communicate that you can't keep up with their business and yours "because I also have to worry about the future, when these documents are needed."
4. If you don't have arguments/crying/some upset from them in the process of getting the documents set, you will have it when you take control. One or more of the following will have to happen, and will trigger anger, sadness, etc:
a. You simplify the accounts while they are technically still in charge, because you wheedle/argue/guilt/fact them into it.
b. You hire the pros to do the detail work, same techniques as a.
c. They are no longer competent, they realize it, they invoke the powers of attorney on your behalf (unlikely).
d. They are no longer competent, they resist invoking the powers of attorney, you go to court to invoke them. Conflict has become very visible. This happens to probably over a million families a year.
e. During and after d, you seek to remain calm and loving and in contact while your parents express anger and disappointment in you, or whatever flavor of emotional expression and response they have to losing control. These emotions occur because losing control an unpleasant part of aging, but most parents will blame you for it because you're the visible, formerly trusted target - an obvious turncoat, grasping ungrateful wretch, etc. You listen, smile, apologize, stay calm, take a break. You do things that need to be done. You will not be paid except through inheritance. If you are not to inherit, you get to choose whether you do all this.
When you were small, you peed and pooped and barfed on your parents. They cleaned you up and loved you. Now it's your turn. You will quite possibly love them more after this experience than before. Just know that putting off the confrontations makes them worse, not better. Move toward solutions.
Do not hesitate to seek counseling or advice from support groups, counseling professionals, and agencies that specialize in aging. Few families have the money yours does, but all have the same emotions. Caretaker exhaustion is a thing, and it starts with the emotional reluctance you are experiencing. Move forwards.
PS. Not to be the male version of Debbie Downer, but this phase is the last time you will ever get to be with your parents. Once they're gone, they're gone. Face the confrontations ASAP, both with your own emotions and with your parents' needed decisions, so that you get to the good parts with as little foot dragging as possible. Joy and peace await after the squalls. Use your time wisely.
One person's opinion, anyway.
