I read this thread with total fascination! (Retired psychologist here.) I'm happy that you've gotten 4 months rent out of your "friend," but you do realize that this will not last, right? She is a financial train wreck and does not WANT to improve, or she would have by now. My advice is to get her out of your home NOW before she does more damage to you, both financially and emotionally. I would suggest giving her the option of paying market rate for rent AND starting a payback plan for what she owes you or moving out in the shortest amount of time you can get away with.
Even if, by some miracle, she continues to pay, please get some therapy for your extreme non-assertiveness before it gets you into really serious trouble!
Yikes, you really think I need therapy?!? I guess I realized that the situation was "You're an Idiot" bad, but hadn't really thought it was "You Need Therapy" bad.
It's funny, because I'm generally not a non-assertive person in most areas. I realize my actions have been non-assertive in this case, so take it with a grain of salt, but in my career and personal life, I am actually a reasonably dominant personality. Strange?
I think the biggest contributor for me in this situation (meaning, what has contributed to essentially four years of this missed rent, no backpay, etc.) is that I feel very much that my current life situation would not have been possible without the help of my parents. They teed me up for success by paying for my college and letting me graduate student-loan free, and providing a safe environment for me to grow as an adult where I knew I had a safety net if I were to ever need it (though I have literally
never asked them for money as an adult.) I could pursue a career and take risks and do all of that because if it all fell apart, they would be there to pick up the pieces. I genuinely feel that if I hadn't had such a supportive (emotionally and financially) environment, both in childhood and right out of school, I wouldn't be where I am today. Having security provided from your family or loved ones bolsters you, even if you never need to use it.
When I see my friends who have not been as fortunate as I have in that way, I want to pay it forward and help. That's a genuine, deep-seeded feeling I experience... I want those that I care about (well, everyone really, strangers included) to have the same opportunities as me. I find myself thinking that if they could just experience a similar kind of advantageous situation that would let them get ahead, then they'd also find themselves in a place of power, independence, and control [financially and beyond.]
That line of thinking and desire has been a HUGE contributor to the fiasco with my friend/roommate, because nearly every part of her living with me was meant to be more of a benefit to
her. Sure, the idea of having some extra money in my pocket each month was a definite bonus, and over the years as I've grown up I have realized that it's something she should absolutely be paying for, but when we sat down way back when to actually discuss how much she'd be paying or when she would pay me, the conversation was very much me asking her what
she could afford to pay. When it would be convenient for her to pay it. She was an equal partner in agreeing to the rent amount, and she called the shots on the due date, and I was
happy to have it be that way.
Of course, over time, that changed. It became a source of frustration and resentment. I realize that's on me and not on her, because
I went into this arrangement with expectations as to how she would behave... i.e., she would behave how I would *and have* behaved, and when she didn't, that threw me for a loop. I was out to give her advantages. She was out to take advantage of those advantages, but not in the way I thought she would.
What I realize now is that not everyone is willing to jump on the opportunities presented to them and use them to help themselves. This has become obvious through the mountain of empirical evidence I've amassed... in this case with my roommate, with my sister (who is also kind of an idiot with money despite having all of the same privileges as I had), my ex boyfriend... the list goes on.
I find myself wanting better for them, more than they even want better for themselves. That leads to this. Not making excuses, just tossing out some explanations. Maybe I do need therapy!